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Monday bloody Monday: Our Labor leadership form guide

Toby Halligan and Matt Kenneally

by Toby Halligan and Matt Kenneally

27 Feb 05:44am

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Filed under: Black Caviar, Form Guide, Julia Gillard, Kevin Rudd, Labor Leadership, Politics, Satire

44 comments

It’s the Battle Royale the press gallery has been waiting for: “Juliar” vs “K-Rudd”. The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly (without the Good).

Long odds for Captain Perfect, but will Red Caviar stumble halfway? Picture: Kristi Miller

Gillard has a strong front line of some of the most prominent lights in the Labor Party. Kevin has a parade of freaks and malcontents, oh, and the Australian people.

RUDD, Kevin Michael
Born: 21 September 1957
Draft date: 3 October 1998
Knock outs: Beazley, Howard, Nelson, Turnbull, self
Nickname: Lazarus with an actual bypass
Nickname if you know him: F—-face

Strength: Strangers want to shake his hand
Weakness: Friends want to punch him in the face
Political achievements: 2007 Election victory, The Apology, Grocery Watch
Greatest contribution to humanity: Invented the phrase “programmatic specificity”
Biggest advantage: His enemies need to sleep
Allies: Jessica Rudd, Marcus Rudd, Nicholas Rudd, Jasper, Abby, Therese Rudd, Martin Ferguson, the chubby bearded guy, that Scottish leftie guy, Bob Katter.
Hero: was Dietrich Bonhoeffor now Mao Tse Tung
Favourite Film: Passion of the Christ

GILLARD, Julia Eileen
Born: 29 September 1961
Draft date: 3 October 1998
Knock outs: Rudd (TKO)
Nickname: Julia Gillard
Nickname if you know her: Julia
Strength: Running the country
Weakness: Press conferences
Political achievements: NBN, MySchool, Climate Change Tax, Mining Tax, defeating both Tony Abbott and Kevin Rudd in 2010 election
Trademark move: Repetition, Repetition, Repetition, Repetition…
Allies: the Labor Caucus, the public service, the Press Gallery, flight attendants, all living acquaintances of Kevin Rudd
Prominent Supporters (Gang): Wayne “Knuckles” Swan, Craig “Valium” Emerson, Bill “Beaconsfield” Shorten
Hero: Brutus
Favourite Film: Kill Bill Volume 2
Why she’ll win: Clinically sane
Why she’ll lose: Charisma of a manatee

Dark Horse Candidate
Black Caviar

Predicted Winner
Tony Abbott

Most commented

44 comments

Show oldest | newest first

    • TimB says:

      04:59am | 27/02/12

      *snicker*. Nice work boys. I like the ending smile

      Open Thread has banned leadership comments, which means I can’t share this gem there. But I guess here is more appropriate:

      When Kevin enters the ring, here’s the song that will be playing. Appropriately enough for someone of Kevin’s colossal ego, he’ll be singing it himself:

      http://youtu.be/fa_VwEGValk

      Reply

    • Tony of Poorakistan says:

      07:41am | 27/02/12

      Can’t be the Gillard I know ... strength is ‘running the country’ ?
      Oh puh-lease

    • Macca says:

      08:51am | 27/02/12

      Kevin Rudd’s favourite Movie. Hahahah

    • RM says:

      05:58am | 27/02/12

      seriously inappropriate headline; okay story. bloody sunday was a tragic event, not to be made light of…

      Reply

    • SteveKAG says:

      06:03am | 27/02/12

      “Why she’ll win: Clinically sane”

      Which dodgy backyard, Bangkok clinic did she get that from?

      Maybe i am confusing mentally incompetent with clinically insanity.

      Reply

    • Jason says:

      07:12am | 27/02/12

      To paraphrase BBT, she’s definitely sane, her mum had her tested

    • Lenny says:

      06:10am | 27/02/12

      Wow, so well balanced. Btw, thanks for comparing the Australian people to freaks and malcontents.

      Reply

    • TimB says:

      06:46am | 27/02/12

      When did he do that?

      Although the people mobbing Kevin in the street probably deserve the label.

    • HappyCynic says:

      07:56am | 27/02/12

      What, we’re not freaks and malcontents?  Gee that’s news to me.  On second thoughts maybe we are all a little too boring to be classified as freaks.

      I can’t wait til this sh*tty leadership thing goes away.  The irony of the whole debate is that there isn’t a single leader in the whole pack of them.  The Coalition isn’t much better either though at least they haven’t imploded for a couple of years now, not since Abbott knifed Turnbull.

    • doug z says:

      08:29am | 27/02/12

      anyone who’d vote for a party led by either of those two certainly is!

    • Dann Da Mann says:

      06:21am | 27/02/12

      If the mp’s vote gillard in as winner they ALL deserve to lose their seats.They know what the public wants her. Plus I believe you MP’s are actually afraid of Dictator gillard with het her henchment Comrade Conroy,Swan,Shorten and roxon. Stand up to Dictator Gillard and bobby brown. You know we do NOT trust,believe or listen to her a nd she appears to hold us peasants in contemp with her arrogance and ignorance. Plus she could hand out one thousand dollars to us and she still will not be voted in. Kevin rudd is the best of the terrible two.

      Reply

    • Jason says:

      06:23am | 27/02/12

      Julia Gillard:
      Political achievements: NBN (collossal waste of money due to mis-management), MySchool (more harm than good), Climate Change Tax (questionable policy), Mining Tax (very questionable policy), defeating both Tony Abbott (I thought they tied, and the 3 independents won power) and Kevin Rudd (funny, I don’t remember going to the polls over this one?) in 2010 election

      That leaves:
      Policical Achievements: ummmm…....

      Best thing they could do is to BOTH stand down to the backbench without a ballot, appoint a peacemaker to the top job (Albinasse?) who makes his first point to promise an election within 9 months (that should give him enough time for a fair go). It’s a promise I know would be kept…. the independents and greens would make sure of it.

      Reply

    • The Argonauts. says:

      08:07am | 27/02/12

      Poorly Informed and Stupid is No Way to Go Through Life.

    • TimB says:

      09:06am | 27/02/12

      And who would know better than Badger, he of the incorrectly capitalised letters?

    • The Argonauts says:

      09:27am | 27/02/12

      TimB would know better of course,
      timmie knows everything and is never wrong because he has decided to go through life poorly informed and stupid. But hey, it’s his choice, we live in a democracy and there will be a safety net to catch him ....unless of course, the conservatives happen to be in power.

    • TimB says:

      09:49am | 27/02/12

      *yawn*

      Whatever delusions get you out from under your bridge in the morning Badger.

      Tell me, did you have as much fun seeing the News Ltd ‘lies and innuendo’ come true as I did?

    • Erick says:

      10:31am | 27/02/12

      Don’t mind the troll, TimB. He’s just envious of your Überschadenfreude mit einem Sahnehäubchen.

    • Joh says:

      10:38am | 27/02/12

      Yes TimB
      Everything Murdoch prints is the gospel truth. THings are never made up and the “news” is never biased.
      As The Argonauts said:

      Poorly Informed and Stupid is No Way to Go Through Life.

    • ms ogyn ist says:

      10:54am | 27/02/12

      erick, look over there——-> it’s a woman getting an unfair advantage.

      good boy

    • Chris L says:

      11:48am | 27/02/12

      You guys crack me up grin

    • Shane From Melbourne says:

      01:03pm | 27/02/12

      Of course, TimB is poorly informed and stupid- it’s a prerequisite for Liberal Party membership…...

    • Against the Man says:

      06:47am | 27/02/12

      Very funny and further documentation why the ALP is a joke!

      Reply

    • Stephanie says:

      06:55am | 27/02/12

      We are so over the media circus and overload of this party leadership debacle.

      Reply

    • martha balev says:

      07:01am | 27/02/12

      we no want that traitor lo lead our contry,if they no listener,they will kill thelabor party;they will lose Australian support,for ever.

      Reply

    • Tony says:

      07:12am | 27/02/12

      Rudd needs to be a backbencher to garner supporters. The ForMin job would have some great perks, but it takes you away from the action and away from the family. Let’s give Gillard the benefit of the doubt that she could roll Abbott at the next election. At some pre-determined date prior to the next election, her own party will say, “Julia, the numbers just don’t stack up. You will not win”. If Rudd wins today, he’ll be thinking, “This is bloody fantastic”, but I suspect he knows he needs to be back amongst the backbenchers to prove (or to give the impression), that he is a really nice guy who should run the party. I think the interesting thing out of all of this is that Faulkner supports Rudd. Faulkner is the man who the caucus will turn to for direction if Gillard’s numbers don’t prove better than Abbott’s.

      Reply

    • Right turn Clyde says:

      07:30am | 27/02/12

      Two incompetent and useless recycled PM’s, God help us.

      Reply

    • Mike says:

      07:34am | 27/02/12

      Shouldn’t people in media at least appear to be politically unbiased?

      Reply

    • Simon says:

      08:55am | 27/02/12

      Agreed. Any news.com.au affiliate is incapable of being unbiased. Liberal fan boys. Wait until the Liberal party falls apart. They won’t have anything they’re allowed to write about.

    • marley says:

      10:58am | 27/02/12

      @Simon - well, as I recall, almost all the News.com papers turned their backs on Howard and endorsed Rudd in 2007. So it wouldn’t be the first time.  But I don’t really see the Libs falling apart in the next two years, whereas the ALP already has.

    • meh says:

      07:56am | 27/02/12

      I dont get it.

      They appear to be talking about two different people who share the names of some political figures, but the descriptions… I dont get it.

      Reply

    • Andii says:

      08:08am | 27/02/12

      Let today be the day that wrongs are corrected and KRudd is back in the position that the people put him in!  Pollies, do what the people of Australia, your bosses, want, because if you do not, then come next election, it will be ta ta to you, Gillard can not win, you know it!

      Reply

    • Darryn says:

      08:09am | 27/02/12

      beware of backbenchers scared of losing their snout in the trough they know that Juliar can’t deliver them a win so they must choose whether it be today or at a later date .Be sure that neither Rudderles Kev or Juliar will be at helm when we vote next a ticket of Smith/Crean looks likely

      Reply

    • Ralph says:

      08:23am | 27/02/12

      Am I the only one sick of listening to politicians stating that their “job” is to ensure that the opposition does not take government?  I thought their job was to govern the country, improve our way of life yada, yada, yada.  Seriously, they think their job is to stay in government, its a consistent statement by a bunch of pollies and a direct reflection of eeverything that is wrong with politics today.  Bunch of self serving egomaniacs.

      Reply

    • Kat says:

      06:08pm | 28/02/12

      Here here,

      Could it be that cos last time she said “there is no leadership issue and we are getting on with governing”, it kind of put the flame to the wick…

      Once bitten and all that….

    • Jimmy says:

      08:37am | 27/02/12

      I think its telling that Australia has bet a whopping ~$640k on this leadership ballot, with half of that ($300k) coming from one bet.

      Given that as a rule, betting levels track with interest levels, people genuinely dont appear to care either way.

      While I recognise that theoretically we vote for a party, not a specific leader, we practically vote for a specific leader. As a voter I find it, if not genuinely then at least moderately, disturbing that there seems to be such a disregard for the People by the Politicians.

      If I showed such disregard for the shareholders of the company I work for, I’d be infront of ASIC/whoever and serving some time in minimum security in short order. The same holds for someone working on an assemlbly line in a manufacturing plant.

      Reply

    • Alex says:

      08:38am | 27/02/12

      If we look back the election in 2010 was won by the Coalition, they had the majority of the votes. The only reason Labor is even in power is because they made deals with the greens and independants.
      We need to correct the initial wrong to make everything right. Sick and tired of hearing Julia say they won the election in 2010, what a load of self serving crap.
      Labor is in shambles, they hate each other so much that internal fighting is the number one priority instead of running the nation. I am still trying to understand how the national polling shows their figures are up again, who are these people still wanting this idiotic party to run the nation?

      Reply

    • Chris L says:

      11:52am | 27/02/12

      Wait! What party has been in government for the past two years? I must have missed something.

    • Alex says:

      08:39am | 27/02/12

      If we look back the election in 2010 was won by the Coalition, they had the majority of the votes. The only reason Labor is even in power is because they made deals with the greens and independants.
      We need to correct the initial wrong to make everything right. Sick and tired of hearing Julia say they won the election in 2010, what a load of self serving crap.
      Labor is in shambles, they hate each other so much that internal fighting is the number one priority instead of running the nation. I am still trying to understand how the national polling shows their figures are up again, who are these people still wanting this idiotic party to run the nation?

      Reply

    • TOLLOLOLOL says:

      08:51am | 27/02/12

      “Strength: Running the country”
      Bahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

      Reply

    • Origami Queen says:

      09:07am | 27/02/12

      If you’re going to call her Juliar then you have to call him Kevenge. At least spread the negativity evenly…......

      Reply

    • Ned Springstein says:

      11:57am | 27/02/12

      We Springsteins say good riddance now to Tony Abbott.

      Reply

    • RyaN says:

      03:08pm | 27/02/12

      “The Revolution won’t happen with guns, rather it will happen incrementally, year by year, generation by generation. We will gradually infiltrate their educational institutions and their political offices, transforming them slowly into Marxist entities as we move towards universal egalitarianism.” MAX HORKHEIMER,Marxist Theoretician

    • christian louboutin shoes says:

      07:47am | 27/11/12

      We are a premier investment and brokerage firm serving a variety of institutional and individual clients around the world.

      Reply
 
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