Men are the new sluts
Soft, supple, fake-tanned skin. Brown and honeyed. Clothes tight in all the right places. And lacking in the right places too. Curves and swerves. Hairless bodies all; flaunting, writhing, bouncing everywhere.
Was that the creepiest paragraph ever written on The Punch? Probably. Anyway. What I’m trying to get across is that they’re all a bunch of sluts, all of ‘em. We’re infested by sluts. Drowning amongst a rising tide of sluttism. Someone alert the good people at Skankwatch, we have a slut glut here!
Our sluts aren’t women. I’m not talking about them, not at all. I’m talking about men, because there’s compelling, nipple-flavoured evidence that men are the root cause of our slut problem. It is men who are the new sluts.
I’m going to explain why point-by-point. By “slut”, I’m talking about people who dress, and present themselves, in a way that showcases a high sex drive.
The most obvious location for this sluttism is in the latest fashion trends:
SINGLETS: While singlets just provided your warm arms with fresh, cool air once upon a time, nowadays you’re being conservative if your singlet isn’t singlet isn’t slashed down the sides, exposing your torso so everyone can see your nipples. Quite a slutty thing to do, I reckon.
V-NECKS: Some blokes wear V-necks that drop so far to the ground they resemble Borat’s mankini. Again: what’s the point in even wearing a top?
CHEST CLEAVAGE: Cleavage. The greatest struggle of many men is trying to look away from cleavage. So much so, that an increasing number of men have gone out of their way to showcase their own variant of it to the world. It’s a strange phenomenon - Chesty Bond never had any problems as a sex icon with just a plain white T on.
I’d hazard a guess and say that this new male sluttism is an extension of the obsession with boobs many men have. But there’s also evidence it’s rooted in plain old vanity:
MANSCAPING: Everyone’s favourite backyard-related term for removing hair, we’re always hearing about how more men than ever spend time going out of the way getting their, ahem, back, sack, and crack waxed. Men aren’t just doing it for themselves.
THE NEW CHANNING TATUM MOVIE: It says a lot about how mainstream male sluttiness has become when a movie about shirtless men dancing around provocatively is having this much box office success.
GYM JUNKIEISM: Commentators have pointed out there’s a growing focus on getting big and looking good amongst young men. We want to get big and look good - for a reason. There’s a reason Customs reckons there’s a record number of steroids being imported into Australia. And that reason is that men are the new sluts.
But really, if anything, the male slut glut is an indication that we’ve finally reached the holy grail of gender equality. And doesn’t it just feel great?
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