Pissing rain in England, Leisel’s pudgy, you’re a sexist sexist pig if you say Leisel’s pudgy, not enough condoms in the Olympic brothel, Harry Potter on par with Industrial revolution as major British cultural event, Queen has a sense of humour, Mr Bean still not funny, petal torch proves not all British youth are rioters, Shut up Eddie…

Higher, faster, tastier with chips

...Channel Nine loves swimming, Phelps still king, missile misfires, Seebohm not just abbreviation of swear word, D’Arcy lacks punch, Leisel slow and over the hill, Steph slow and over the hill, Ray Warren slow and over the hill, Australia sucks, oops don’t say Australia sucks, second in the world is still awesome even though athletes always say “we came here for gold”, Shut up Hacky…

...Cocks shuttled off for Badminton racket, Blade Runner not as fast as Harrison Ford, Andy Murray beats Federer in pretend Wimbledon final, New Zealand good at sports where you face backwards, London has a beach, Kazakhstan makes benefit glorious gold medals, Steph loves Kobe, oops, there’s Kobe’s wife, Bolt loves Swedish handballers, Bolt loves self, Bolt has every right to love self, Bolt a legend, how many times in my life did I feel like throwing vitamins at the telly…

...Horsey royal wins medal, Aussies win triple gold in ocean event no one can follow on TV, Sally rules, Anna Meares rules, whitewater canoeing is apparently a sport, BMX is a apparently a sport, four Aussie blokes who aren’t sailors win boaty gold, oh feck, didya see that dive, Shut up Brayshaw…

...Prince Harry wins long jump, hey, apparently soccer is an Olympic sport, Britain loves Muslim Mo Bro, Saudi Arabia has a female athlete, Australia’s got Tallent, no, we don’t give a flying feck who’s going to be in the Big Brother house…

...Bahamas beats America in relay, Jamaica beats America in relay, it is awesome watching small islands beating America in relays, Hooker too busy plotting revolution to remember how to pole vault, Mitcham too busy tweeting to remember how to dive, American runs on broken leg, Steffensen runs as though on broken leg, Shut up Slats…

… USA tops medal tally even though it’s officially not a contest, Spice Girls still out of tune, Best games ever but shhh, don’t tell Sydney, Sporting legacy of ancient Greece alive and well in Britain, economic legacy of modern day Greece also alive and well in Britain…

... Chickens make people want to click on Olympics stories.

Twitter: @antsharwood

Most commented

69 comments

Show oldest | newest first

    • Dave Charlesworth says:

      01:51pm | 13/08/12

      Nice one Ant, needed a laugh today.

    • Bruno says:

      01:59pm | 13/08/12

      I’m kinda new to The Punch. Is this thing with the photos of the chicken, going to continue? If not, I’m going to miss her. I’ll still read these articles, but I will definitely miss the chicken.

    • Barney says:

      02:55pm | 13/08/12

      I hope this chook is around in 4 years time - it might be put to good use predicting the gold medal winners - better chance of predicting than the commentators.

    • Anthony Sharwood

      Anthony Sharwood says:

      03:42pm | 13/08/12

      Much to the detriment of my backyard (but not to my omelettes), the chook will probably be there

    • Paul says:

      02:00pm | 13/08/12

      Yeah that was good, thank-you.
      Except I thought Rowan Atkinson was funny - maybe my sense of humour is out of whack.

    • Chris says:

      02:58pm | 13/08/12

      Everyone I know thought Rowan Atkinson was funny…

    • M says:

      03:24pm | 13/08/12

      Heathens, all of you.

    • Hermann says:

      04:06pm | 13/08/12

      I was watching the opening ceremony with some Germans from the previous East Germany who thought Rowan was being extremely unprofessional at such a serious event. They were also shocked when the Queen jumped out the plane.They looked in astonishment at me and asked: “Das ist die Königin, ja?” I said: British leaders lead from the front. Impressed, they nodded.

    • Admiral Ackbar says:

      02:03pm | 13/08/12

      I read that as though it was the missing verse in Billy Joel’s “We didn’t start the fire”. Today is turning out alright.

    • Anthony Sharwood

      Anthony Sharwood says:

      02:45pm | 13/08/12

      Admiral, that’s funny you should say that, because when I enlisted the help of our awesome Monday intern Sam Clench to help gather ideas for this piece, I said “I want to make it like Billy Joel’s “We Didn’t Start the Fire”. Being a Gen Y, he gave me a blank stare!

    • Caz says:

      02:52pm | 13/08/12

      @ AA

      Oooh! Me too, me too!!! I had that song going through my noggin as I was reading Ant’s sentence. Great minds, and all that.

    • Sam says:

      03:04pm | 13/08/12

      Old coots!

    • CJ says:

      03:12pm | 13/08/12

      You needed the help of an intern to vomit this onto the web?
      You’re seriously admitting that?

    • Sam says:

      03:23pm | 13/08/12

      To be fair CJ, I’m a pretty outstanding intern.

    • Arnold Layne says:

      03:39pm | 13/08/12

      I thought the same thing.  Nice one!  Loved the Steve Hooker comment.

      Needed something about how good the Foxtel coverage rather than just how poor Nein’s was.  I do note the potential conflict of interest in doing that though.

    • CJ says:

      03:57pm | 13/08/12

      I’m not doubting that, Sam. It’s just ........ 
      Forget it.

    • Admiral Ackbar says:

      04:49pm | 13/08/12

      Watch it Sam, I’m pretty sure you’ll find that the parents of all the cool kids dig Billy, plus I think I’m becoming cooler as I get older. Needless to say that this has made my day. Now to finish it off with a trip to the haberdasher followed by a sneaky game or two of backgammon.

    • Gen Y says:

      04:55pm | 15/08/12

      I’m 24, I love old mate Billy and have been playing Backgammon since I was 10. Please refrain from putting all Gen Yers in the same box; it sh*ts me.

    • Anubis says:

      02:05pm | 13/08/12

      Should also add - Sally no longer tired - unanticipated naps not needed

    • Anubis says:

      02:19pm | 13/08/12

      That should have No one called Sally was overtired - unanticipated naps not needed red face

    • Jon says:

      02:20pm | 13/08/12

      A well written and witty article like this deserves more comments. Here’s mine - top stuff Anthony!

    • sunny says:

      02:25pm | 13/08/12

      A classic end to your Olympics series. I read that article in the voice of Rain Man .. same as I read every other article then I guess smile
      Don’t even joke about eating that chicken, it’s part of the team now! .. look, if you both survive a plane crash in the mountains of Peru, then go ahead and eat the chicken, but until then..

    • MikeC says:

      02:37pm | 13/08/12

      Has anyone asked the chicken what it thinks, my money is on a double yoker!!

    • Dennis says:

      02:28pm | 13/08/12

      What a lot of crap that article was.

    • MikeC says:

      02:42pm | 13/08/12

      Dennis Dennis Dennis, it was an attempt at a little light hearted humour to encapsulate all that was portrayed in the media as negative, scandalous, weird and just really not that interesting that happened at London 2012.

      Accept it for what it was.

      Not all journalism needs to be full on political BS….just have a laigh.

    • Lasa Bailey says:

      09:08am | 14/08/12

      In order to understand it, you need at lest a little bit of a sense of humour

    • bob says:

      02:34pm | 13/08/12

      I had a dumbass moment, thought you were talking about Andrew Bolt! ;p

    • Tony says:

      03:11pm | 13/08/12

      Don’t worry….I did too….and laughed that it was the first time it clicked for me that they both have the same last name.

    • Sickemrex says:

      02:37pm | 13/08/12

      You forgot Shut Up Karl, there’s only 1 “a” in triathlon.

    • I hate pies...nouns aren't verbs says:

      06:02pm | 13/08/12

      Karl definitely “medalled” in annoying.

    • Mark says:

      03:14pm | 14/08/12

      It was Karls new way of ending every sentence by raising his voice that is still grating on me…. “Now we’re off to the hocKEY”, “welcome back to london lIVE”...etc.

    • Luigi says:

      02:55pm | 13/08/12

      Bolt is a flash in the pan.  Greg Louganis, Michael Phelps, Carl Lewis, Thorpie, Mark Spitz and on and on have accomplished much more.  Running 100 or 200 meters, no big deal.  Had he golded at 400m, 800m, and 1500m, then we’d be talking a legend.  Not at 9 or 18 seconds..

    • SM says:

      03:12pm | 13/08/12

      dear oh dear…

    • iansand says:

      02:55pm | 13/08/12

      I am glad you have documented the half way point in these Olympics.  The really inspiring athletes are yet to come.

    • Carolyn says:

      02:56pm | 13/08/12

      Well done. Sure there was nothing extra? Next time, have a longer think about it, and “dooooonnnnn’t hold baaaaaaccccckkkkkkkk”

    • Martin says:

      02:57pm | 13/08/12

      Jeez Ant, you let D’Arcy off lightly there ...

    • Martin says:

      02:57pm | 13/08/12

      “no, we don’t give a flying feck who’s going to be in the Big Brother house…“can you make that in bold, underlined, fontsize 72, please!!

    • shane - armchair expert says:

      02:58pm | 13/08/12

      here is my thoughts on the olympics.  All of our team did great.

      Bolt is the biggest bore and braggart in history and I will be so glad when he is gone. 

      get rid of all the stupid “sports”?  air rifle at 10 metres with scopes and eye pieces?

      badmiton, table tennis, girls jumping around with a streamer, girls jumping around with a ball?  Girls jumping around with a hula hoop? 

      Dressage was rubbish. Judo was a joke of pulling each others lapels?  diving was painfully boring.Tennis is crap at the best of times.f

      ortunately i mieed the sync swimming rubbish. 

      no one actually “trains” for any of these “sports”.  You just turn up on the day after a big night out on the tiles and do something- anything and the least uncordinated on the day wins.? 

      Go back to all ameteurs and not the paid show ponies. 

      Apart from these “joke” sports, i thought it was very good.

    • Mimpi says:

      04:17pm | 13/08/12

      You are right. What’s with the sexism in the Games? They should have blokes jumping around with streamers, a ball and hula hoops. After all they have female boxers, weightlifters, footballers, basketballers etc.

    • sunny says:

      04:42pm | 13/08/12

      The men’s 50km walk was like a hundred blokes doing their impersonation of Kel (from Kath and Kim) when he’s power walking.

    • Luthien Nienna says:

      11:49am | 14/08/12

      I disagree about the Rhythmic Gymnastics. It is obvious to see these ladies train hard (some were Ballet dancers, before turning to the sport). You just had to watch what their bodies were doing and not get distracted by the pretty ribbons and hoops. The Gold and Silver all-around Russions were amazing.

      Wholeheartedly agree with you when it comes to Badminton (the game come countries play to lose), Air Rifle, Judo, Tae Kwon Do (wrong spelling), Table Tennis.

    • Destry says:

      03:02pm | 13/08/12

      Just this once I’ve enjoyed Anthony’s babble. And largely agreed with the contents. But, mate, you forgot the strange names of some competitors (besides saying Seebohm with a Pommy accent and the “Oh, Feck” reesponse to Stephen’s dive): Kim-Yoo Suk (Korean pole vaulter who doesn’t suck as much as our Hooker)—Ali Hasan Manboob who runs long distance and is skinny and flat-chested—Rich Fellers, the affluent American show-jumper who was placed 8th—Vania Stamblova who, with a “stumble over” the first hurdle, crashed to the ground in women’s 400m— Dong Dong, the Chinese gymnist who must be well-hung because he won gold—Yoshie Takeshita won bronze in the women’s volleyball despite her gastric problem—and some others I forget.  Great Games.  Best ever.

    • sunny says:

      04:24pm | 13/08/12

      Should have seen his Manboobs before he took up running!

      Pistorius and Takeshita are apparently an item.

    • Steve says:

      03:03pm | 13/08/12

      “Seebohm not just abbreviation of swear word”

      I don’t get it. Please explain.

    • bella starkey says:

      03:11pm | 13/08/12

      C-bomb. as in c*nt.

      although it’s not an abbreviation for it, its a euphemism.

    • Destry says:

      03:54pm | 13/08/12

      See bum

    • What a joke that's not funny says:

      03:10pm | 13/08/12

      Wow. I wish I could get paid for writ ... hang on, that’s not writing ... ahhh ... submitting some drivel like this put together over the cereal at breakfast. One day The Punch will have a piece of journalism again, maybe (that ‘maybe’ is for the ‘again’). You know, something with substance, insight, and critical reasoning. Maybe.

    • the cynic says:

      03:26pm | 13/08/12

      Actually I think you may find it was a tongue in cheek satirical piece. Anyway it gets to the very best part of the Olympics bandwagon bullshit,  the closing ceremony . Thank Christ it’s over for another 4 years. Now we can get back to kicking Kiwi arse at Rugby and Cricket !

    • Wallie78 says:

      03:50pm | 13/08/12

      and cue MikeC….the punches little attack dog….

    • Li says:

      09:49pm | 14/08/12

      Yeah, heaven forbid that someone should write a satirical piece to give us a bit of light relief.  And on a blog site too.  If you want ’ substance, insight and critical reasoning ’ then, well, feck me, I don’t know where you should look. 
      This gave me a laugh, thanks Ant.

    • M says:

      03:26pm | 13/08/12

      Thank god it’s over/

    • Tango says:

      03:54pm | 13/08/12

      What about weightlifter drops weight on head, horse throws rider on head and German discuss thrower drinks too much and has sore head.

    • cretin says:

      04:10pm | 13/08/12

      No mention of those stoopid Cyclopean Mascots??

    • Steve says:

      04:35pm | 13/08/12

      Not to mention the logo that was once described as looking like a disfigured swastika. A past video of the logo could also induce seizures because of the flashy colours.

    • Richard says:

      06:39pm | 13/08/12

      That was an. . . AWESOME article, Ant! It seems like we all shared very similar experiences and emotions viewing these games these last two weeks. London 2012 was AWESOME smile

    • Swamp Thing says:

      07:40pm | 13/08/12

      Better than ‘Syd-den-niy’ by a country mile!

    • Lady Gaga says:

      11:06pm | 13/08/12

      Fab overview Ant!  Feel like i was there!  And without having to waste 2 weeks of my life.  xxoo

    • Mike says:

      07:44am | 14/08/12

      Why use 414 when two will do - “You lost.” 

      Team GB got more medals, however you want to massage the table like an Olympic physiotherapist.  Thank God that it is over and the anti-Brit sniping will stop for a while.

    • Cry in my Gin says:

      09:32am | 14/08/12

      Whinging Pom.

    • dibatag says:

      08:33am | 14/08/12

      Mike says
                I’m with you on that one

    • Mike says:

      08:45am | 14/08/12

      I also like the way that when Aussie athletes don’t perform, they are told that they are subject to the taxpayer purse and so, Aussies feel “entitled” to question their performance…however, drawing the same egalitarian parallel in Australian society, whenever your public servants and politicians do something bad, they also get canned in the newspapers, but when they achieve something good, you never hear about or celebrate their success like you do with athletes…hypocritical or what ?!

    • Turn it up bill says:

      01:46pm | 15/08/12

      Hypocritical yes, universal yes.

    • VJR says:

      09:15am | 14/08/12

      It’s simple the brits kicked our butts and loved doing it.  $10 million per medal well we are the lucky country.

    • Warwick says:

      11:08am | 14/08/12

      Of course this was Garbage.
      But I didn’t think it was all that different from the run of the mill Sharwood stuff.
      Comedy?
      Satirical?
      Well, if you enjoy the Clarke and Dawes drivel that gets shoved on to the 7:300 report you’d probably enjoy this excrement.

    • M says:

      03:12pm | 14/08/12

      So, never then?

    • Olly says:

      04:03pm | 14/08/12

      I hope you asked Roy & HG’s permission before ripping off their “NZer’s are at their best when sitting down and facing backwards” joke from Sydney 2000.

    • Utopia Boy says:

      04:27pm | 14/08/12

      A couple of things:
      1. Muslim nations should not be allowed to compete until citizens of those countries are all treated equally in the eyes of the state. It was good enough for the rest of the world to keep South Africa out of world sport for a generation, let’s at least pretend to be consistent.

      2. I don’t get the joke with the chook.

      3. The coverage we had over here in the Middle East was excellent.:
      10 x Al Jazerra sports channels
      4 x OSN sports channels (2 x HD)
      1 x OSN “Olympic"Channel
      8 x Abu Dhabi Sports Channels

      Most channels provided a service where the language could be changed between Arabic and English.
      We even got to hear Bruce MacAvaney commentate the swimming.

    • Fabbz says:

      07:34pm | 14/08/12

      you forgot to mention that tunisia and lebanon refused to train with israel’s athletes. and iran refused to play israel. nor did they remember the israeli athletes killed in munich in 1972

 

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