Great news! This article is 73 per cent more coherent than anything ever written on this website, and all because I’m wearing a small, elastic thingy on my wrist.
Granted, it’s not one of the $60 Power Balance powerbands that sports stars like Andrew Bogut and Nick Riewoldt and Benji Marshall are all suddenly wearing. It’s actually just a purple rubber band from the asparagus I chopped this morning while pre-preparing tonight’s stir fry.
But that’s doesn’t matter. Point is, I’m wearing the purple band and it feels absolutely terrific. Amazing things are happening, as my body’s natural energy field whirls me into a phantasmic flurry of super-performance.
Only minutes ago, I beat a towtruck to a nearby road accident and towed the cars away myself. With my teeth. Then I wrote this piece. God, I just feel so incredible it’s like I’m in on the horse in the Old Spice ad. And not just any horse, we’re talking Makybe Diva.
But don’t take my word that these flimsy wrist adornments are the best thing since the cheese I sliced this morning with my sharp wit alone. Call now and I’ll send you a second slap chop for just the price of postage.
Oops, wrong product promo. I mean, call now and I’ll send you a purple elastic band for only $2.95. I’ll even throw in the asparagus stems for free.
Of course, if you really want to try one of the original Power Balance wristbands which like, totally work cos they do, don’t let me stop you.
After all, as the guy who distributes them in Australia said yesterday “At the end of the day I’m a carpenter. I don’t know or profess to know how energy waves work.”
Wow. I haven’t seen an endorsement so compelling since Big Kev got so excited about, um, whatever the hell he was so excited about.
But of course, that’s the really great thing about Power Balance powerbands. Their worth is so self-evident, they don’t require proof. When I received a press release this week that Aussie NBA star Andrew Bogut was wearing one, the publicist didn’t respond to my request for scientific info.
Why would she? The bands have dilithium crystals! Wait, that’s a Star Trek thing. Oh, here we go. The bands contain Mylar holograms! Yeah! Real, actual Mylar holograms! And what they do is, um, well, they, like, um, I don’t actually know. But the feeling is probably something like this.
Phew. I’m spent. Actually I’m not. But I would be if I’d been wearing nothing on my lower arm except a wrist watch, like all you pitiful disbelievers out there.
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