Great news! This article is 73 per cent more coherent than anything ever written on this website, and all because I’m wearing a small, elastic thingy on my wrist.
Granted, it’s not one of the $60 Power Balance powerbands that sports stars like Andrew Bogut and Nick Riewoldt and Benji Marshall are all suddenly wearing. It’s actually just a purple rubber band from the asparagus I chopped this morning while pre-preparing tonight’s stir fry.
But that’s doesn’t matter. Point is, I’m wearing the purple band and it feels absolutely terrific. Amazing things are happening, as my body’s natural energy field whirls me into a phantasmic flurry of super-performance.
Only minutes ago, I beat a towtruck to a nearby road accident and towed the cars away myself. With my teeth. Then I wrote this piece. God, I just feel so incredible it’s like I’m in on the horse in the Old Spice ad. And not just any horse, we’re talking Makybe Diva.
But don’t take my word that these flimsy wrist adornments are the best thing since the cheese I sliced this morning with my sharp wit alone. Call now and I’ll send you a second slap chop for just the price of postage.
Oops, wrong product promo. I mean, call now and I’ll send you a purple elastic band for only $2.95. I’ll even throw in the asparagus stems for free.
Of course, if you really want to try one of the original Power Balance wristbands which like, totally work cos they do, don’t let me stop you.
After all, as the guy who distributes them in Australia said yesterday “At the end of the day I’m a carpenter. I don’t know or profess to know how energy waves work.”
Wow. I haven’t seen an endorsement so compelling since Big Kev got so excited about, um, whatever the hell he was so excited about.
But of course, that’s the really great thing about Power Balance powerbands. Their worth is so self-evident, they don’t require proof. When I received a press release this week that Aussie NBA star Andrew Bogut was wearing one, the publicist didn’t respond to my request for scientific info.
Why would she? The bands have dilithium crystals! Wait, that’s a Star Trek thing. Oh, here we go. The bands contain Mylar holograms! Yeah! Real, actual Mylar holograms! And what they do is, um, well, they, like, um, I don’t actually know. But the feeling is probably something like this.
Phew. I’m spent. Actually I’m not. But I would be if I’d been wearing nothing on my lower arm except a wrist watch, like all you pitiful disbelievers out there.
Don’t miss: Get The Punch in your inbox every day
Get The Punch on Facebook
Facebook Recommendations
Read all about it
Punch live
Up to the minute Twitter chatter
RT @alaindebotton: So many of our problems would be alleviated if we had 3 or 4 exceptional friends living within a 2 minute radius.
Recent posts
The latest and greatest
Interest rate barney barely even rates as interesting
Stop all the cheering, cut off the champagne. Prevent the pollies from barking and silence the drums.…
Life slips away while you’re filming it on your phone
Some friends of mine had lunch on Saturday with a mate who spent so much time artfully composing photos…
Other stuff to be angry about today (with chorizo pic)
That dopey Spaniard. Three-time Tour de France winner Alberto Contador has been banned for two years,…
Nosebleed Section
choice ringside rantings
From: City vs country: What would you change your life for?
Dieter Moeckel says:
We made the tree change from Darwin to Wonbah more than 15 years ago. After fencing, a road, and couple of dams our money was gone. Super is enough to live comfortably. We have geese growing old and stringy the only one that made it to the pot committed Kamakazi by flying into a tree; the chooks are… [read more]From: I’d rather have a piece of toast than listen to crap lyrics
Erick says:
Led Zeppelin are responsible for my all-time favourite mixed metaphor: "There you sit, sit and stare, like a book on a shelf rusting." (Misty Mountain Hop) I laugh every time I hear it. Hmmm, I believe I've decided what to play on the way to work today. [read more]Gentle jabs to the ribs
No wuckin forries. These nuckin futs are tuckin fops
Well, puck me with a fitchfork. The F-word is apparently an acceptable part of Australian speech. That’s… Read more
Most commented