UPDATE 10.30am: The author is in a panic following the release of a study this morning that showed watching television can result in early death. As a confessed hypochondriac who persistently frets about dying he is now considering his future and will discuss his position tomorrow on The Punch.
I love television. Absolutely, bloody love it. And I have a real distrust of people who say, “I don’t really watch television”. I’m convinced that I detect a smug sneer as they say it.
My Pavlovian reaction to anyone who says this is to immediately picture the person – and I swear this is true – in a wood-panelled drawing room, sat with their partner in high-backed leather arm chairs, either side of a big old-fashioned radiogram, smiling serenely at each other. Sometimes the female of the pair is engaged in some sort of embroidery.
I have no idea where this mental picture comes from, but I guess it may be some weird visualisation of my inverted snobbery trying to puncture their television condescension at the first whiff I get. (Not sure what this all means psychologically, but I’m sure Dr Phil would know).
I tense and wait for them to follow “I don’t really watch television” with something like “because I’m far more cultured than you obviously are and have better things to do with my time, but if you’re content to waste hours watching brainless drivel on the box then that’s your funeral”.
Admittedly, I’ve never had someone say this to me, but I can just see the thought forming behind his or her righteous (non-square) eyes. The slight variant is “we don’t really watch television”, rather than “I don’t”. This is even worse, as it implies that my whole family are as lowbrow as I am; sat with me on the sofa like we’re The Simpsons, while they’re out at the ballet or saving kids in the Sudan, or whatever it is that’s keeping them away from the TV.
Finally, the hardest of all to take is “I/we don’t really like television”. At which point I think, “Well, I don’t really like you”.
I understand that some television can be mind numbing. Obviously if you’re watching endless re-runs of Hogan Knows Best, The Nanny and Murder She Wrote, then you’re probably in a bad place emotionally. Or you very soon will be. But superb quality still remains on the small screen; comedy, drama and factual documentaries are as good today as they’ve ever been. For every crappy reality show or Friends-wannabe sitcom that pops up, there are The Sopranos, or The Office, or The West Wing.
Dramas such as The Wire, Mad Men and Wire in the Blood are easily as good as anything you can see at the cinema. Better, in fact. Comedy such as Extras, Peep Show and Curb Your Enthusiasm continue to push boundaries hilariously.
I usually assume that “I don’t watch television” actually translates as: “I’ve never really watched television”. Adults who don’t drink normally either tried it briefly and didn’t like it, or drank copious amounts until they decided it was time to knock it on the head. I figure with TV it’s the former rather than the latter analogy.
That being the case have these non-watchers never experienced groundbreaking drama series like Twin Peaks or Brideshead Revisited? Never laughed at Seinfeld or Fawlty Towers? Never seen a David Attenborough wildlife doco or the 7-up series of programs?
That’s not to mention news and sport. Do non-watchers only read newspapers? Have they never witnessed the fall of the Berlin Wall in moving images? What about the Tianamen Square protests or 911? Aloisi’s penalty? Cathy’s Olympic gold or Warnie’s Gatting ball? Have they only heard mention of these events or read about them?
With Foxtel and the advent of IQ (possibly the greatest invention of the last decade) I’m no longer beholden to schedules and my viewing time goes a lot further. Okay, so the video recorder initially helped with that, but who fiddles around taping or even DVDing stuff these days?
(Although bizarrely I WILL watch a movie ‘live’ on TV even when I own the DVD for some reason, but that’s beside the point). The thing is, these days you can edit your TV viewing with ease. Yes, there’s a lot of crap on cable, but you don’t have to sit through it. You can even fast forward through adverts. An hour of TV these days might have taken you over two hours in the past.
Frankly I’ve always watched a lot of television anyway. When I read in the papers ‘horrific’ stats that kids are watching 2.5 hours of TV a day, I think what are they doing with the other 21.5? Maybe it’s the fact I was an only child brought up in the cold of England, but I could average five hours a day no problem.
On a very wet February Saturday in the late seventies I may have done 15 hours in a stretch depending on whether I was allowed to stay up for Match of the Day. I don’t think it affected me adversely, other than the fact I draw comfort from having the TV on “in the background” while I’m doing things. As an adult the first things I do in the morning are put the kettle on, put the computer on and put the TV on in a swift trilogy. I always flick on the box within five minutes of getting home. But when people come round to visit I obviously turn it… er, down.
Even now, I probably average a couple of hours of TV a day. Last night I watched the last half hour of The Secret Millionaire (the one where his son went along too, very weepy), an episode of Seinfeld (when George tries to postpone his wedding to Susan), and the last hour of Pulp Fiction (I’d turned out the lights to go to bed and was only going to watch five minutes, but got hooked).
I guess one implication of opting out, is that TV watchers are missing out on culture, or getting a watered-down imitation. But certainly in England TV shapes culture more than any other form of art or entertainment. Not too many of us are getting down The Old Vic to watch the latest Richard the 3rd, or catching the Bolshoi when it’s in town, we’re more likely discussing Shameless or Life on Mars. Yes, Eastenders and X-Factor dominate the ratings, but quality shows with true artistic and socio-political relevance can still find a voice, and they document the nation in a way that only literature can perhaps match. I think in Australia TV does this less so, but you could argue that Masterchef reflected the face of modern Australia better than almost anything made in the entertainment sphere in the last decade.
The other thing perhaps implied is that I’m missing out on doing other things. I’m not sure what non-watchers are squeezing into their schedules, but in the last month I’ve been to the cinema five times (admittedly, mostly kids films). I’ve read seven books: Blood’s A Rover by James Ellroy, Have A Little Faith by Mitch Albom, Nine Dragons by Michael Connolly, The Lost Symbol by Dan Brown, King of the Cross by Mark Dapin, Winter’s Bone by Daniel Woodrell and Nobody Move by Denis Johnson (and yes, I am also trying to prove my cultural credentials again with this list). I have a busy job; three young children; I’ve been to the beach and the pool a lot; tidied up the garden, been to the zoo and even baked a pie to get rid of the turkey. Oh, and I phone my mum every Sunday.
In summary: a) I have a very full and culturally diverse life, b) Yes, I can be lowbrow in some areas of my entertainment world, but not exclusively, and not to the detriment of cinema and literature, and c) I watch at least two hours of TV a day. So next time you sneer at me with your “I don’t really watch television”, please don’t think you’re a better person than me.
Or perhaps I’m just reading too much into the phrase…
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