Kiwis rooting for victory, and hopefully afterwards too
Australians will have more to worry about than the jubilant crowing of four million kiwis if Quade Cooper et al fail to pull their finger out tomorrow night.
For the earth will move not just in Christchurch but throughout the land of the long white cloud if the All Blacks can overcome their choking form and progress to the final. Not for the country cousins a bit of scarf waving and a few Steinies to celebrate: Nope, the entire nation has promised they will literally root for the boys should victory come to pass.
Never mind Costello’s one for mum, one for dad and one for the country, the Kiwis are poised to deliver one for the All Blacks, with 96 per cent of the country saying they plan on having sex if New Zealand wins the Rugby World Cup.
And if that young Aaron Cruden delivers some Dan Carter-style moves and Richie McCaw’s dodgy foot comes good, all that victorious shagging will lead to a massive sprog spike come next July.
In fact, 22 per cent of respondents in a survey (by, you guessed it, Durex) say they would even get it on at Eden Park after the match - possibly to make up for the Wallabies’ own lack of scoring there over the past 25 years (they’ve lost the last 12 matches).
This, remember, is the nation which created nude rugby - which requires some courage if you’re playing in Dunedin - and whose naked granny inflight safety video has attracted nearly a million YouTube hits. Having just spent two weeks across the ditch, I can vouch that the country is fizzing on pheromones. Or maybe that was just the pinot.
Anyway, the aptly-named Adonis Souloglou from Durex says 66 per cent of Kiwis are having more sex as a result of the World Cup. “It’s hard not to get caught up in the exhilaration and emotion of the tournament,” he says. “Obviously we want Kiwis to get the most out of it whether they are at the game or in the bedroom.”
Crikey, they’re a fickle bunch. Just a month before kick-off major sponsors Telecom were peddling an ad campaign urging New Zealanders to “abstain for the game”. While the rest of the world guffawed, “well at least the sheep will get a rest for a couple of months…”, the campaign was abandoned after the cuzzies refused to participate. Instead, locals promptly set up a Facebook group: “Banging for Black”.
And, boy, have they been at it. Brothel owners report that over the past month there have been more hookers off the field than on. And it’s not just the kiwis keeping them busy. Apparently the Welsh supporters have “had a bit of cash to throw around”.
Meanwhile, Mary Brennan in Wellington, known as Madam Mary to her clients, is lamenting the loss of the English. “They’re particularly deviant,’’ she says. “Whenever I hear an English accent I know there’ll be some good business there.”
While there is no research available on Australian proclivities in the event of a Wallabies win, the Welsh have taken the opposite approach to the Kiwis. So desperate are the poor sods, a staggering 33 per cent say they would give up sex for a year if it meant captain Sam Warburton lifting the Web Ellis Trophy.
Even a night of passion with Welsh hottie Charlotte Church would be turned down by 67 per cent if it meant Wales winning. The French? They’re just at it anyway, though I daresay if the frogs hop to victory there’ll be a little more sport going on in Gallic bedrooms (although not necessarily their own).
But what about the players? Are they allowed to get their rocks off before a big match? Or do they take a Muhammad Ali-style approach and save up the testosterone for six weeks so they can unleash it all it a critical match?
Clearly, England were under no such ban but with little bonus to their on-field performance. The Welsh, meanwhile, took themselves off to some bleak Polish training camp presumably bereft of the usual WAG-luring attractions of Louis Vuitton and Gucci so it’s likely Blodwen and Angharad stayed at home.
At the 2007 World Cup, the All Blacks’ wives and girlfriends were allowed to accompany their menfolk to France but were banned from sharing their bedrooms. Those who did want a bit of a pre-match rubdown “could be accommodated” but not on the players’ floor. This year, of course, they’re on home turf and - injuries willing - are doubtless keeping up with their fans.
And the Wallabies? Well, they seem to follow new research which suggests a bit of nookie can be good for your game. As Quade Cooper tweeted recently: “French coach once said; sex before a game doesn’t hurt performance, it’s the hours of pleading to get sex that hurts.”
So, if we don’t want tomorrow’s match to be the game that spawned another million Kiwis, best get Steph Rice on a plane pronto.
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