I probably should be writing this under a different name. I’m an Australian woman with a Lebanese Christian heritage, who grew up amidst an invisible social war of Lebanese Christian vs Lebanese Muslim – right here in Australia. And I’m genuinely concerned about how Muslim people are represented.
Polygamy is a contentious topic, Islam is feared and misunderstood by non-believers. So naturally, a perfect fit for a festival of dangerous ideas at last week’s Sydney Opera House Event. And man did they find the perfect speaker.
Kayser Trad. Nice enough. What I’ve seen of him anyway. I reserve all judgement of him, his practises, his beliefs. I write this based purely on his performance that day. His topic was ‘Polygamy and other Islamic Values are good for Australia’.
Now my knowledge of Islam comes from the experience I’ve personally had with Islamic friends and their families, from what I’ve seen on the news, heard from family and friends (of all creeds) and what my beautician tells me. So I walked into this session with an open mind and a genuine desire to learn. And I walked out missing the bottom half of my jaw, wanting to run to my Muslim friends, hug them and apologise for the shit they were unknowingly dropped in.
Basically, the Trad line is that some women just aren’t toey enough (my language, not his) after marriage. So to stop men from straying, and to ensure they keep their family commitments, it’s OK for him to take on another wife - as long as he has permission from his current wife. It works well for the “other woman” too – because she is ensured the same respect, attention and lifestyle that his other wives have. (I’m sure it’s complicated at first but they have up to four rounds of marriages to master the complexities).
Tell you the truth, I understand it. I have hormones, we all need a bit of action. And sure, some women may lose their libido after years of marriage. And men have needs, even the married ones are human. But as one man in the audience screamed out – perhaps the husband could try buying flowers, or do the washing up every now and again.
That may get ‘em some, without the hassle of organising another gift registry. So up to this point, you know what, I get it. It’s practical. It’s consensual. But man, it’s a dirty way of explaining such a holy doctrine.
Is marriage just about sex for men? Is that all that binds you?
But wait - it gets even better.
So if the woman’s sex drive is higher than that of her husband? Can she take on another husband? No, says Trad. He reckons it’s for the woman’s own good anyway. Asked why a woman shouldn’t have multiple husbands, he said medical research had shown women who have multiple partners are more likely to get cervical cancer.
Scare mongering, anyone?
Right. So now he’s totally lost me. No explanation, mind you, no facts, no research.
Had he said that women can’t have multiple husbands because they can’t handle more than one mother-in-law, I could go along with it.
Anyway, he goes on to say, that really, women just aren’t as sexual as men. (Someone needs to buy him the Sex and the City Series on DVD, and fast). And the clincher, if they are, the husband will have to perform to his wife’s sexual demands.
Now, if every man were able to do that, I wouldn’t have to see an ad for nasal spray on every billboard between Condell Park and the City.
For argument’s sake, again, let’s say he’s right.
Where’s the research that shows how many Muslims today practice polygamy? In any Muslim or non-Muslim country? Show me a modern Australian Muslim woman, and by modern I mean independent, self-sufficient and free to speak her mind, who has entered a polygamous marriage by choice. Why aren’t these women brought forward to represent the feminist perspective?
Having some understanding of the Lebanese culture, may I present a possible explanation? Could it be that polygamy was actually not even about sex?
Perhaps, at a time when women didn’t work, and couldn’t provide for themselves, polygamy was allowed to ensure they could be taken care of. Say, if their husband died, or left them for whatever reason. Because every woman was to be cared for?
Perhaps it’s because as far as my limited understanding of Islam goes – women are the heart, the life and the soul of the home and should always be treated as such? And with the utmost respect? Whaddya reckon?
I want to understand your religion, I honestly do. But the cancer line doesn’t wash with me – nor does the libido one. Does it wash with the female believers? Because I ain’t ever met a Muslim man or woman, here or in Lebanon, that has exercised this option.
I want to know why not.
If it’s such a wonderful, relationship saving and honourable option worthy of consideration in Australia - why haven’t I met people who do it?
All I’m asking for is a more considered, backed up and relevant explanation. I want to see that if it’s so good for women, then how was the feminist perspective considered and applied to this religious policy. Surely you can’t have a policy for them, without their consultation?
Before Trad’s talk I was happy to be convinced that polygamy is good for Australia, and still am, if you can show me how good it has been for your own subscribers, from both the male and female perspective.
I’m not mad. I don’t even think that this topic is that dangerous.
Trad’s might be a fine theory, but this poorly-articulated - now that’s dangerous.
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