Journal of a washed up fundamentalist
Amongst the rubble of the Abbotabad compound, US Forces discovered a diary which they have leaked to diaryleaks.com.au, after Julian Assange rejected it due to “quality” and “veracity” issues. Read on for selected excerpts.
3 February 2002
Have decided to keep diary to ensure world has record of important post 9/11 career.
So far contribution to global jihad has mainly been hiding in caves. Somewhat out of touch with day-to-day Al Qaeda operations. Number 2 is running things from Yemen in my absence.
20 March 2003
Great news! Invasion of Iraq has begun. Heard on radio I am in league with Saddam. Wish it were true; he could probably supply substantially better accommodation than the Taliban – pretty tired of cave life. Difficult to plan Next Big Strike against the West in such damp conditions.
1 May 2004
Still cave hopping. Wish I could stay in one cave long enough to make it worthwhile adding some paint.
Caves are depressing. Courier suggests I make video for US election, to cheer me up.
Two days later
Courier says I’ve gone viral. Howl in praise! Did not realise we had biological weapons!
Courier says he is referring to the spread of my video on youtube.
Ask whether we can transport viruses through these giant tubes?
Courier says “This will be really confusing but the answer is yes and no.”
27 March 2005
Have bought a new home in Abbottabad. Military base 800 metres away. Good place for family: nice, secure neighbourhood. Can now start serious planning for Next Big Strike against the infidels!
8 April 2005
Pakistani intelligence services (ISI) bring house warming gifts: home bomb making kit, collection of jigsaw puzzles, and book of Bushisms.
Inform me that they are very happy to help but must set some limits to deceive Americans. Are only able to support Al Qaeda on Mondays, Tuesdays and Thursdays.
9 April 2005
Book of Bushisms is a great read. “Is our children learning?” Classic.
Book was wrapped in old copy of New York Post. Opinion piece says that Al Qaeda has the A-bomb. Great news! I can use this in my Next Big Strike! Why did Number 2 not tell me about this? Not sure I can trust him.
14 December 2006
Planning big party to celebrate 5 years of evading George W Bush. Send Courier to ISI to retrieve party supplies.
15 December 2006
Courier returns without supplies and missing hand! ISI cut it off because “the days switched”. ISI now supports Al Qaeda on Mondays, Tuesdays and Saturdays. Courier says they apologised for keeping me out of loop, but did I not get the email?
1 January 2007
Very small party. Number 2 says affiliates and allies wanted to be there, but compound is secret location and many of them are unable to travel because they also live in secret locations. Very hard to invite people in secret locations to party at secret location without giving away secret location. Also, many of them are dead.
Number 2 keeps telling me: “Yemen is where it’s at”. Ask Number 2 if the USA or the Soviet Union have invaded Yemen recently. Number 2 says the USA have dropped some bombs. Big deal - USA drops bombs on everyone.
Number 2 says I’m kind of out of touch, should come to Yemen to get back in game.
Tell Number 2 I’m quite settled in Pakistan and don’t really know anyone in Yemen.
28 January 2008
Have finally completed new plan: Will blow up Beijing Olympic Games with the A-bomb! Send for Number 2 to discuss details.
2 February 2008
Number 2 arrives. Ask him to join me in yard for my daily walk.
Number 2: Alas great leader, we merely “kind of” have the A-bomb.
Me: Kind of?
Number 2: We have the components of an A-bomb.
Me: So assemble those components and strike!
Number 2: Well, you see those components are in many different countries and in some cases still in the possession of infidels.
Me: So we don’t have the A-bomb?
Number 2: That depends on whether you are an ammunition magazine half full or ammunition magazine half empty kind of guy.
Back to drawing board.
4 October 2008
US election coming up. Time for a new video to put down the tube. Send Courier to request multimedia equipment from ISI.
5 October 2008
Courier returns missing ear. ISI has now narrowed times and places they support Al Qaeda to Wednesdays and Saturday mornings “in the shade”. Courier says he was told by ISI that he was “too sunny”.
Also ISI cannot provide audio or video equipment as “new IT guy is really uptight with loaning equipment to terrorists that won’t come in and sign forms themselves.”
1 January 2009
Watched documentary about Richard Branson’s commercial space flights. Fascinating. Infidels very ambitious.
5 January 2009
New plan: will send Courier to international space station on Branson’s jet and then blow it up!
Nobody will expect this!
18 January 2009
Get postcard from Number 2. Feels he cannot support space station mission. While he admits it is “visionary”, until Yemen has own space program it is slightly impractical.
Idiot has included return address. Write him back telling him he’s fired.
9 February 2009
Number 2 writes back explaining that fragmented nature of Al Qaeda means he’s technically leader of Al Qaeda in Yemen so I can’t actually fire him.
Am starting to feel slightly undermined.
4 October 2010
Courier returns from regular trip to ISI with bullet wound in leg.
Says he made sure he visited them on Wednesday in the shade. Even took own shade cloth. ISI shot him because they thought he was making fun of them.
28 January 2011
Egyptian revolution on news. Send Courier to Egypt with message for Muslim brotherhood that Al Qaeda is with them.
1 March 2011
Courier returns. Had great time in Egypt. Is going to join Egyptian revolution. Says Democracy is really “in” now. Giving me two months notice – last day will be Monday May 2nd.
Consider shooting Courier, but really need his help over next two months. Having come up with best Next Big Strike yet. Am going to blow up The Face Book
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