At one point in the Christmas feasting frenzy I looked down into my bowl of brandy butter with double cream, icecream and hot brandy sauce and thought: What have I become?

I really did eat all the pies. Pic: News.com.au

Then I scarfed it and went back for seconds.

‘Tis the season of the distended belly. When it’s OK to drink at breakfast, to gnaw on oversized bird bones and, like a hyena, feast on a dead hog for days at a time.

Food is, for many of us, how we tell our families we love them, how we communicate our togetherness. We pluck, plot, plan and seek comfort in confit.

On Christmas Eve I heard an earnest discussion about making a turducken, a fowl creation I had thought had the patina of an urban myth. A chicken, a duck, and a turkey, forced together in unnatural ways and consumed to the tune of Do They Know It’s Christmas?

We gorge. And then, remorselessly, we are filled with remorse. And so we hit the New Year’s season when we swear we will swap our gorging for gorgeousness. And so it goes.

More abdominisers will be bought and abandoned quickly, filling up the abdominiser graveyards with their daytime TV uselessness.

People will pay to learn how to drink nothing but lemon juice and paprika, they will buy detox plans with only a flabby notion of what a tox is.

Buff personal trainers, shouty alpha males and females, will do a roaring trade, and this rash of 24-hour gyms will scratch the itch for some.

People will – trust me, this will happen – fork out to buy magic fat busting undies that target your lumpen thighs with infrared rays.

Some will succeed in losing weight, some for a long time, more for a short time. We are not all that good at sustaining restraint.

I’ll give it a bash. Try to like lettuce a bit more and crackling a bit less. I’m not all that hopeful for myself; I suspect, as always, I’ll come undone at the first whiff of crispy-skinned duck or golden pile of roast potatoes. I have no confidence I will ever be able to say no to bacon.

But I yearn for the day when I can just give up on all this stuff, when I abdicate any responsibility for my own health.

One day, I’ll just say bugger it. I’ll get fat. I’ll eat whatever the hell I like and stop moderating my alcohol intake (well, pretending to, anyway).

I’ll take up smoking again because I bloody loved it and I still miss it. I’ll never run again unless it’s playing a sport I actually enjoy. I’ll stop reading non fiction unless it’s really, really good.

It won’t be for a while; I’m planning this very careful meltdown for when I’m already on the downhill path, when the end is in sight. When my body is failing and my brain is fading and I’ve just had enough. I will go fatly into that good night.

Chips for breakfast? Yes, please. With pork scratchings on top. And cheese, cheese all through the afternoon with just wine to break up the fat storm. Cigarettes with strong coffee made with condensed milk. And more condensed milk, straight from the tube.

Drugs, if the bank balance or pension permits. Everything that anyone ever waggled a finger at, I’m in.

Because I am so very, very tired, of this pressure to be healthy. Of the sanctimonious dieters and the abstemious abstainers. Of the boring earnestness of common sense.

We have so much talk of how gross we are, of how we must ban Freddo Frogs, of the horror of our arteries and our organs and our stretching seams.

And yet, despite that, we are tubbier than ever.

As one twit proclaimed, surely the day will come when the hungry have to eat the obese. Maybe I could feed the world.

Comments on this post will close at 8pm AEDST.

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26 comments

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    • acotrel says:

      05:21am | 27/12/12

      Why would you enjoy a lovely christmas and then go on a guilt trip about it ? All you need do is repent and say seven ‘Hail Mary’s’, and use a bit of dietary restraint for the rest of the year . Think of the starving kids in Africa.

    • Rosie says:

      08:14am | 27/12/12

      Happy New Year acotrel and please try not to be a Killjoy in 2013.

      No one should be feeling guilty from sheer indulgence over the festive season. Thinking of starving kids in Africa should never be forgotten but we as taxpayers should not be made to feel guilty as our Govts contribute on our behalf through foreign aid to making their lives a little bit easier.

      I think the only ones that should be feeling guilty at the moment is the Gillard Labor Govt for diverting $375 million dollars in Foreign Aid to financing the stay of asylum seekers that keep arriving because they have no control of our borders. Aid money that could help a starving kid in Africa is left here to provide for someone who pays a boat people’s smuggler hoping for residency here in our beautiful country.

      Going cycling to burn off the calories enjoyed in the last 3 days!

    • egg says:

      09:39am | 27/12/12

      @Rosie, it’s not yet 2013, but do you think you might try to not be a killjoy then, too?

    • Gregg says:

      10:19am | 27/12/12

      ” Happy New Year acotrel and please try not to be a Killjoy in 2013. “
      Any other impossible NY resolutions you would like to bestow on people Rosie?

    • Schmavo says:

      11:33am | 27/12/12

      So instead of ‘spare a thought for the needy’ it should be ‘spare a thought for the greedy’ because they are the ones that truly suffer at this time of year.

    • Wally says:

      05:56am | 27/12/12

      “Buff personal trainers, shouty alpha males and females”

      There’s one of the problems right there. In the olden times these people were not considered alpha. They wore cheap short shorts with a plain t-shirt tucked into it and dunlop volleys and lived in small houses and drove corollas. They were not considered alpha, and they didn’t have an inflated sense of self worth, because any idiot can tell you to do star jumps and be fit if that’s all they do all day whilst not having to do any real work.

      People at what they wanted pretty much. They just didn’t eat a lot of it.

    • Sickemrex says:

      06:40am | 27/12/12

      Or you could overindulge for a day or two, then be a bit sparing for a couple of days, then balance what you eat with what you do. Crazy I know. I should write a book.

    • Schmavo says:

      07:41am | 27/12/12

      Legendary, I can see the talk shows scrambling to get you on.

    • Sickemrex says:

      01:19pm | 27/12/12

      I will admit I copied off Absolutely Fabulous.

      Saffron - Look, mum. All you’ve got to do is eat less and take a bit of exercise.
      Eddie - Sweetie, if it was that easy, everyone would be doing it.

      I do have to admit though, it seems to work. Do you think I should think of some more words to say the same thing?

    • Philosopher says:

      06:03pm | 27/12/12

      You could call it ‘The Sickem Diet’. Should be a hit with all those north shore private school girls who think it involves binge-and-purge eating. You can trick em into sensible eating!

    • Gregg says:

      07:08am | 27/12/12

      Well, it’s great that at least you have given up smoking Tory and when the day finally comes, perhaps the day that you do have a more serious health failing of some sort brought on quite possibly from being over indulgent too often or it not at least helping it, you might have a different view on life and how good it is to be reasonably healthy when you have survived your failing and realise that if you take moderation as your gospel, you can be doing so much more including even things that cost money, money that might otherwise be spent on healthcare of one form or another.

      It’s OK to enjoy all those nice roast crunchy spuds, sit at a bar with the spicey wedges and sour cream/quacamole washing it down with a favourite drink etc. but all in moderation of both quantity and frequency is the key and then coupling that with activity you really enjoy be it dancing, swimming, gardening, hiking or just something that gets you off your butt regularly.

      In the doco I describe below, the very first thing illustrated was how some moderate exercise before eating fatty stuff could reduce the ammount of fat your blood absorbed and they demonstrataed that by having a reporter eat a normal english breakfast of eggs, sausages and bacon and then took a blood sample a bit later and spun it up to show the ammount of fat and then that evening he went on a bit of a walk about for about 90 minutes, pushing it a bit mind you and then tucked in again for breke the next morning followed by blood sampling and results showed somewhere about just half the fat absorbed.
      Maybe for you though, it ought to be a porridge/fuit/nuts and cinnamon breke and you’ll not need the evening walking.

      Two other interesting things came out of the doco re exercise, well three actually, one quite basic and that was people who are working at something that has them moving about more oviously get more exercise.
      The other two were from research done and involved both blood testing and field exercising and then laboratory testing at the end of a month, the first being that whereas everyone is not cut out for the gym regime, it is also fact that not everyone benefits the same from it, and in effect that will mean yep you can get some people looking trim taut toned and with those muscular looking arms and butt etc. whereas others might still look a bit ordinary even if they may be healthier though their actual aerobic capacity may not be all that much higher than when they started.

      Probably, the most important revelation is that you do not really need the full on gym regime to do some good and this doctor said it is proven that just full on bursts of frenetic activity for just twenty seconds at a time, doing say three of them about five minutes apart or whatever when having your breath back and doing that just three times a week is a big help.
      So this reporter come guinea pig over in the UK ( it was on SBS about three weeks ago )  had an exercise bike in his van that he had carted around the countryside for about a month as he was interviewing different people and doing things like fitting people up with mobility meters including himself and so he maintained the three x twenty second three times a week go like hell regime.

      A month later after his exercise bicycling and also fitting in more exercise in general, walking stairs instead of using lifts etc., he returned to the Lab and had his aerobic capacity measured, basically no change and that was also confirmed by blood test results so before anyone starts on a gym regime they ought to get the info about that blood testing and see if a gym regime or just increased levels of exercise will raise their fitness, aside from helping to keep weight down.

      What was more interesting though was that they also measured his capacity for the body to burn up food energy and that three by twenty seconds three times a week commitment in just a month had made a measurable improvement, such that it would certainly lead to the onset of older age diabetes being far less likely and that would be good for with diabetes can eventually come all sorts of other complications, not to mention medical costs of just $500 p.a for prescription medicine alone.

      So, three twenty second bursts three times a week is all you need to committ to for some good.
      I actually tried it one day as part of my regular walking program, just eyeing of a target a hundred metres or so ahead and then really quickened my pace, like really forcing the pace without resorting to actual running but sustaining that for twenty seconds to half a minute and yes you do feel a bit breathless and your leg muscles might feel a bit more wobbly as the heart is working harder to circulate more blood so it is easy enough to do in many ways at different levels and probably achieve some good for longer term health.

      And you could have those roast spuds or wedges more often.

    • Leanne says:

      07:53am | 27/12/12

      Hmmm I think you need to work on your humour muscles a bit more…

    • Nick says:

      04:50pm | 27/12/12

      I wonder if, when your first “paragraph” is a 100 plus word sentence and it gets worse from there, you should take your writing style, for want of a better descriptor, as a sign that you need to ease off on the post-power-walking spuds and learn how to use full stops and all those other grammatical devices that make your writing comprehensible to those poor memory and otherwise intellectually challenged folk with bulbous bellies and somewhat flabby arses perched on humungous thighs with whom you unfortunately share the world and are presumably also trying to communicate with given that you are writing multi-page postings to them?

      P.S.  Three twenty second bursts of full stops three times a week might do the trick.

    • iansand says:

      07:16am | 27/12/12

      I have a sneaking, completely unscientific, theory that the major influence on longevity is your genes, about which you cannot do anything.  Everything else is tinkering around the edges for a year or two of difference.

    • Gregg says:

      07:52am | 27/12/12

      It might just also depend on whether it is the genes or over eating and under exercising that you let take control.
      Sure, if someone has a reasonably healthy lifestyle, genes could also be a factor and that is somewhat proven the other way re women with breast cancer quite likely having a history in the extended family and even diabetes is considered somewhat hereditary though it may be different with older age onset or type two diabetes which can be very much diet related.

      But if you take someone with a genetic make-up where the family history is full of health etc. and a descendant has allowed themselves to become excessively overweight as seems to happen with lots of people because of our way of living these days, that person may be more prone to all sorts of medical problems given time, extra weight just stressing the skeletal frame and joints for instance and then fat content in the blood and organs is certainly not going to be good.

    • Michael says:

      08:03am | 27/12/12

      I would agree with you about the genetics, i read about these ‘things’ called Telomeres, i didn’t really understand it very well, you might.

    • stephen says:

      10:38am | 27/12/12

      A combination of factors will prolong the length of life, and the trick is to make that process of lengthening contribute to and increase the quality of it.
      Indeed, improving quality of life will generally improve life expectancy.

      I saw a TV program last week where drugs were touted as a sole means for increasing life span which seems to me a waste of good medicine, as if an extra 25 years sitting in front of the box watching Ian Turpie would justify public health initiatives.


      Everyone knows what kills us early, but to get so many out of their bad habits is the real test, not of medicine, but of trust and communication.

    • Emma2 says:

      02:18pm | 27/12/12

      There is also a thing called epigenetics. Look it up, it’s fascinating.

    • Tubesteak says:

      07:29am | 27/12/12

      This is the one time of the year I really relax my diet and let things go. However, because I am living near the family now I have managed to maintain the exercise regime. Except for Xmas day, though. But at least I went for a run yesterday and today and will be ev ery day until maybe next Friday (because my legs need a rest as the constant shin splints gets a bit much to handle). That sort of makes up for the desserts I have consumed. I may join a gym, again, soon, now that it is easier for me to get to one.

    • Meph says:

      08:01am | 27/12/12

      I suspect some of the above posters have rather missed the point.

      Life being a sexually transmitted disease that is 100% fatal, and you can’t exactly take your body with you when you shuffle off (or for that matter, money or a huge house or anything else of that sort). You may as well eat the things you enjoy and do the things you like, with the one proviso that you don’t rain on anyone else’s parade while doing so.

      You could sum it all up with another of my all time favorite pithy sayings:

      Practice all things in moderation, including moderation.

    • pa_kelvin says:

      10:36am | 27/12/12

      Gotta love satire… smile

    • Robert S McCormick says:

      11:29am | 27/12/12

      Tory, I have two friends, actually a few of both genders, who has found an answer to all this over-eating lark. It is a 24/7 occupation, not just restricted to Christmas and Easter (or do people just hang around then & not eat?).These two are what their GP tells them is “Morbidly Obese”. He’s 5’ 9”, She’s 5’ 6”. He tops the scales at 160kgs, she claims to be only 120kgs ( I think she’s telling porkies or do those 3 inches less in height make such a difference?).
      Their answer to this over-eating/drinking problem is that whenever they go out & know they are going tobe eating & drinking they simply wear pants & skirts which are a size or two bigger. Mind you, Tory, at their size now that is starting to become a bit of a problem too for it is well-nigh impossible to get any pants, skirts, jocks or knickers even one size bigger let alone two!!
      They know the risks but they simply don’t care & admit it. That being so, though privately I am appalled & worried as they are very good, long-term friends & I don’t want to lose them, I decided some years ago that there was nothing I, or anyone else for that matter, could do so I say nowt.
      “Eat, Drink & Be merry for Tomorrow ye might Die”

    • Ken Oath says:

      03:27pm | 27/12/12

      It takes a lot of work to get fat. You only become a fat porker if you pig-out 365 days a year (I know as I used to be one). So enjoy your one-off indulgence at Christmas, because it makes stuff-all difference if your eating habits are good for the rest of the year.

    • deJen says:

      03:40pm | 27/12/12

      I don’t feel guilty, just bloated. Am drinking some coca-cola to help - I haven’t had my XMas poo yet and this stuff is a great laxative.

      Good on ya for quitting the cigs. 2 years ago I did too. Didn’t help my waistline - I will most likely avoid dying of lung cancer though, but will die from obesity instead if I can’t get this appetited under control eventually.

      The 80 bucks a week I have saved, is now spent on nicer cuts of meat - lamb instead of mutton! Scotch fillet instead of rump. YUM!

    • Don says:

      04:01pm | 27/12/12

      Do some weights and eat less and we move on - it is the 21st century for goodness sake and we still grapple with this “problem”? Heaven help us with the really difficult issues.

    • youdy beaudy says:

      05:50pm | 27/12/12

      Well Tory, don’t worry about what you consume for xmas because it’s all good. It’s one time of the year when we all get together and try and be friends. Friends are hard to come by and of course there is the fact that we have to put up with the sibling rivalries which are a bit of a bummer as you know.

      I am sitting here enjoying an OB korean golden lager and i’ll tell you it’s a very good drop. Xmas is over and the New Year is coming next tuesday and we will head into 2013 and check that out and it will probably be the same as the previous year or the one we are finishing now.

      The world will still be running on bullshit and there will be no hope for many as usual but we will prevail and welcome in 2014. Don’t let the turkeys get you down and enjoy this one and eat and drink and smoke as much as you like and have a good time because we don’t know whether we will eat tomorrow. I hope so.

      So eat those pig bones and turkey and chook bones and dribble as much as you like and just enjoy life because my friend one day it all runs out. Best wishes from me. Have a good time and don’t worry about the extra kilos because they will all fall off eventually.

 

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