Why women don’t want, want and can’t have kids

Happily Single and Childfree Female says:

07:46am | 12/10/09

Thankyou, finally someone writing an article on why women don’t want children.  In in reality, there are women such as myself that just never wanted them.  I’m 42, happily single, child free and don’t have a maternal instinct in my body.  I can’t honestly say there was ever a time in my life where I ever wanted children.  Maybe it was because I watched my mother raise 6 kids, working full time, playing taxi driver every weekend, stressed 24/7 and while I love and cherrish my mother, I vowed and declared I would never live my life that way.  And while that probably sounds very selfish, to me selfish is women who have children, dump them childcare, let them roam the streets at all hours of the night and generally don’t give a crap about them so long as their charming offspring aren’t annoying them.

bek says:

08:04am | 12/10/09

I think more promotion of the importance to plan for this goal is needed…and not just towards women. We are all put through career planning at high school, why not change it to life planning and look at all the aspects of life - or will some paranoid parents thing that will encourage sex and teen pregnancy?

Liz says:

08:34am | 12/10/09

Why has feminism let women down?  Get sick of hearing this when women now have choices they didn’t have decades ago.Sometimes we forget you have to work on relationships to make them successful and pregnancy is not a right but a privilege for those who want it.No woman should have a child if she doesn’t want one, no man be a father if he doesn’t chose it.Current infertility practices have led to children being so precious it puts family life out of balance with a lot of pressure on children.

Bless'd says:

09:20am | 12/10/09

For just about all 30 something women I know who don’t have kids yet, it’s been about the timing of “the one” relationship.  The man who you will commit to, and who will commit to you.

I have known all my life that I wanted to be a mother - you know, in primary school others said they wanted to be doctors or cops when they grew up, I wanted to be “a mum”.  But I didn’t meet my husband until my late 20s, and only just got married (early 30s). 

You can propose “planning” around having babies all you like, but it will only serve to further depress the single 30-somethings who haven’t met their soulmate yet (like the gyno who told a friend of a friend who’s single “tick tock”).  You can’t plan these kinds of life events for most people, because most people don’t marry their high school sweetheart.  Because the best things in life aren’t timetabled and scheduled and part of a regimen.

The best thing in life, love, happens when you least expect it, when you aren’t looking for it - and it’s all the sweeter for it.  Commitment and babies are special gifts that may come from that - but you can only plan those things once the love part embraces you.

Claudia says:

09:29am | 12/10/09

To Happily Single (1st comment), you are not being selfish at all! You would be selfish if you went on to have children, just because “society” tells you its the right thing to do!  In my early thirties, I met someone and although, I never wanted to have children that did change and we now have a wonderful 3 year old! However!!!! We don’t want anymore children, that probably makes me selfish!!!! hahahhah My advise to women, do what YOU feel is right for you and YOU alone! You want 10 kids, great (providing you spend every moment of your life looking after them), you don’t want kids, thats OK too! It would be a pretty boring world if we were all the same!

Elise says:

09:48am | 12/10/09

Why would any young woman want to face the potential 18 year punishment inflicted by the Family Court on women who have kids and get divorced ?

Married sans kids says:

09:54am | 12/10/09

I’m 30-something, have a loving partner and have an idea that I’d like kids. I find the difficulty is knowing how huge this decision is. It’s bigger than marriage or a mortgage. We’re talking about bringing a human being into the world that is reliant on you for protection, guidance and nourishment. It’s also about financial security… my partner and I are contract workers with no maternity leave or even sick leave. And I’m constantly getting pressure from parents and friends (with kids) to get procreating. We want kids but it’s not an easy decision right now.

Julia says:

10:03am | 12/10/09

I’m an older mother and I was ambiguous about having a child all the way into the birthing suite. But having had one, I think it’s the best thing that I could have done.

That said, I fully support the right to not have kids. I understand that some women don’t want them and they don’t feel they’ve lost anything by not having them. I know quite a number who have made this choice. I was teetering on this decision myself.

But I’m sick of people saying motherhood is a ‘burden and sacrifice’. I have never had more fun in my life. I get up and play with my daughter, read to her, change a few nappies, go out and mix with other mothers, stuff pureed veges into her every few hours and try to get her to speak in full sentences.

All the while I get to enjoy lovely spontaneous hugs, gummy grins which evolve into toothy smiles and conversations which have no start, finish or meaning.

Admittedly, I have about $2 in my bank account, I don’t go out drinking at night, I can’t afford nice clothes, and tend to stick to t-shirts because they’re machine washable.

But this is not a burden or sacrifice. It’s liberating to not wear lipstick after 20 years of putting it on every few hours. It’s liberating not to go to meetings anymore and listen to the carping of horrible managers. It’s fantastic that I get to go to the park on beautiful bright clear days and swan around with my daughter.

Even having no money is ok. If you don’t have it, you don’t spend it and bring superfluous stuff into the home.

So, let’s stop calling it a ‘burden’ or ‘sacrifice’. At the very least, even if society doesn’t value mothers (which is bollocks) one person values you. You just have to look at them after their bath to know who that is.

Eric says:

10:03am | 12/10/09

Why would any young man want to face the potential 18 year punishment inflicted by the Family Court on men who have kids and get divorced?

S says:

10:24am | 12/10/09

Be careful what you wish for Gen Y’s. Worried about losing your freedom? You may end of with more freedom that you care to have if you leave babies too late. I had a child at 23 (planned) and unfortunately separated a couple of years later. Now I’m 36, have been married for two years & we have been trying for that long to have a child without success. ‘Unexplained infertility’ they say. We are in the middle of our first IVF cycle & I am scared, not of the procedure, but of the thought that I may not have another child. It is simply gutrenching that I may now be too old. IVF is a last resort, fertility does not last forever, it sometimes does not last nearly as long as it should! Don’t compare yourself to the forty-somthing celebrities who are popping out babies all over the place (donated eggs in many cases my clinic says), at 36 I am the average age of the women requirying help there. I didn’t think I was old, I look & feel about 30, but apparently my body belives otherwise. Now I just feel like I was being naive. So that said, to those that want a couple of children, in my humble opinion try planning each pregnancy & how long it will take (5 - 7 mths in your late 20’s on average) backward from age 33 years. How many more years of ‘freedom’ does that give you right now at your age?

Bec says:

10:34am | 12/10/09

I’d like to share my experiences. My husband and I can’t have children due to fertility issues. We’ve known this since we were both about 23 and we’re fine with it. However, you cannot imagine how many times people feel they have the right to comment on this most personal of issues. Some of the comments I have copped have to be seen to be believed - i’ve heard everything from “What’s wrong with you” to “How can you be so selfish” to “You must really feel like your life is incomplete” to “I’m sure you’ll change your mind”. When, after being badgered with this sort of material for so long that I finally have to admit our fertility issues (because believe me, most of these individuals just won’t let it go!), we get “Oh, just go and get IVF” like it’s as simple as picking up the groceries instead of being both financially and emotionally difficult. It’s almost like I’m personally insulting their lifestyle when I admit that I will not be following them in their choice. I’m not - I am truly a believer in choice, I love the children of my friends and get called “aunty” by a lot of them. And it’s not like these are close, personal friends - quite often I will be interrogated by people I have met only once or twice.

SO - please take this advice next time the subject of children comes up in conversation. Do NOT interrogate your friends if they state they aren’t having children. Do NOT feel the need to “convince” them to change their mind - you can’t force them to want children any more than they can convince you to give yours up. Do NOT look down on them or feel pity for them - their life choices are just as vaild as yours, their life is probably as happy and fulfilled as yours.

Michelle says:

11:04am | 12/10/09

It is so refreshing to read these comments. As a single, well-educated, employed, mortgage paying 31 year old, these are the priorities in my life at the moment. I’m not a maternal person but I certainly haven’t closed the door on the possibility of having kids if the circumstances were right. with the right person for me.

Whether I end up having children or not, I’m the only one who can fulfil my own dreams and make myself happy. I wouldn’t choose to have children, or be in a relationship for the sake of it,  just to make myself happy. It must come from within.

Should I meet someone in the near future and feel as though they are the one I could spend the rest of my life with then I would need to weigh up if having children is something we both wanted to do. If not, so be it!

It’s not selfish to choose not to have children, I agree with Happily Single and Childfree that it’s selfish to have them and not be there for them.

All of this goes for guys as well!

B says:

11:17am | 12/10/09

I agree with you Bec.  Although we have chosen not to have children, because we just don’t want them, we are constantly asked why we don’t have them.  Not wanting them is not a good enough answer for some, who then go on to preach that it is our duty as a married couple to have children.  We are given the strangest of looks and quizzed endlessly when told why we are childless.  There have been times over the years that I have resorted to telling people who can’t mind their own business that we can’t have children due to medical reasons - that shuts them up quick smart but why should we have to justify an informed decision that we have made together to the people who question our decision.  Quite often we have only just met these people yet they seem to feel it is their right to involve themselves in our personal affairs.

James says:

11:33am | 12/10/09

“All of this goes for guys as well! “

It sure does Michelle, yet there is not one mention of males in this article (except for the mention of the need for more research into the attitudes of young men)

This isn’t Womans Weekly, and quite frankly I would expect the CEO of RELATIONSHIPS Australia to present a balanced view of why women & men don’t want, want and can’t have kids.

Elizabeth says:

01:31pm | 12/10/09

As a happily single, childless woman in her late 30s it’s refreshing to hear other women in my position.
I adore my friend’s children and spoil them rotten. But I’ve never wanted children of my own. I love my life. I have a great job, fantastic friends, a trendy inner-city apartment and travel regularly, whenever I can get the time.
But I can’t tell you the number of times people with children, particularly women, look at me like I have a disease when I say I don’t want kids.
Generally it’s met with “you’ll change your mind once you find a man”.
Actually, it’s got nothing to do with being in a relationship. I don’t want children. I’m not maternal and I’d rather give my love to my friend’s children and then hand them back.
This might make me selfish. But it also makes me honest.
Sadly, the comments of nutters like Liberal Senator Bill Heffernan, who described one of Australia’s most talented women, Deputy Prime Minister Julia Gillard as “deliberately barren” because she chose not to have kids highlights that a lot of people still hold these backwards views.

Bryndal says:

02:54pm | 12/10/09

It is more selfish to have children in this age not to not have them.

The bigest topic of debate at the moment is global warming and our carbon footprint. The biggest impact we can make on increasing this footrint is to bring another life into a culture that has the second highest output of CO2 per person in the world. The hipocracy sometimes astounds me -  that a rational person can make sure that the TV is not on standby and drive a Prius but cant see the impact thier child (over their ife) will have on the environment. Same goes with the money spent on IVF so people can have ‘thier own baby’ as god forbid they adopt from a country with more children than resources. Typical western, wealthy attitude. (I do know international adoption isn’t easy - a whole other topic)

I chose to have no children so I dont feel guilty when I have a 5 minute shower rather than a 4 minute one. (selfish I know!)

Let alone the selfishness of ‘having someone to look after you when your old’ - look after yourself - the irony here is that the pathetc parenting jobs that a lot of modern parents do will mean thet the kids will be out of there once they have to do their own washing and you will left to look after yourselves so may as well spend that inheritance!

Joe says:

03:45pm | 12/10/09

To those who don’t want children - there is NOTHING like having your own children. You can’t properly explaining this experience/emotion to others.

Don’t get me wrong. I don’t just think children are great. I have no time for other people’s children, its about having your own that is the amazing experience.  So I really hope you aren’t basing your decision to not have children on a brief encounter with someone else’s children . You don’t know what you are missing out on (and I can’t explain it to you).

casey says:

04:24pm | 12/10/09

Liz, I think you’ve missed the point: this article is not about forcing women to have children.

The feminist movement, for all the social and legal good it’s done, has unrealistically given women the impression that they CAN have it all - the career, the husband, the family, the dog - even though it’s almost impossible, if you don’t have a ludicrous Angelina career.

And then there’s the growing world of me-me-me. That’s fine if a woman doesn’t want her social and personal life impinged on. Some don’t care. Both need to shut up about it.

Joe says:

04:28pm | 12/10/09

When you look back on your life from your death bed will you wish you spent more time at work?

Eric says:

07:03pm | 12/10/09

Good point, James.

It seems that men are the invisible sex—except when it comes to finding a scapegoat.

Happily Single and Childfree Female says:

09:33pm | 12/10/09

It’s wonderful reading so many supportive comments about women not wanting to have children.  Even now I’m still looked down upon for my decision not to have children.  I’m constantly having to defend myself and am constantly judged for not fulfilling my ‘womanly’ duties.

I have 7 wonderful neices and nephews whom I spoil rotten.  And the reason they’re so wonderful is because I can hand them back. 

I believe there are women who are born mothers, my sister and sister in law are wonderful mothers.  But I just never wanted that life and I’m sick and tired of being judged for not fitting the mould society expects me to fit.

Joe I’m sorry but I personally disagree with your comments re having your own children.  If you don’t want children fullstop, having one of your own isn’t going to change your mind.  I don’t understand how people can think that you can regret something you never wanted in the first place.

If I God forbid died tomorrow, my only regret was that I hadn’t been to Paris and climed the Eiffle Tower yet.

anonymous says:

10:20pm | 12/10/09

I’m in my mid 30’s and married. Its funny how people I barely know ask me ‘do you have family?’. Well yes I respond, I have my husband, sisters and parents, uncles and aunties too. Then its ‘oh sorry, I meant children’.
I say no. Then its ‘why?’.... at this point I just start laughing.. I dont bother even explaining anymore because I also dont want to hear other peoples opinions about it.

I’ve even had a women I barely know put her hand on my belly telling me I would be pregnant in a years time…even when I said I didnt know if I wanted them and perhaps not for me?? WTF???

Its refreshing to see I’m not the only one who experiences the reactions of others.

I’m a big believer in choice. All those who want kids (and have them) - good on you! and those who don’t want them - good on you too!

Emma says:

12:03am | 13/10/09

Joe, some people - women and men - have jobs that they DO wish they had more hours in the day to devote time to. The research I do at work is incredibly fulfilling, contributes greatly to society, is enjoyable, and although I’d theoretically like to have a child, I just don’t want to put my career on hold.  That’s my choice.  Also, to be honest, I see nothing wrong with the image of someone ‘lying on their deathbed’ wishing that they’d published another book, applied for that extra research grant, produced another painting, written another song, or any other career output.

Vicki PS says:

04:05am | 13/10/09

I believe that the current upswing in the number of women who remain childless is actually a return to the norm of a century or so ago, when a substantial proportion of the female population either by choice or circumstance did not marry, and remained childless.
I hope I am respectful of anyone’s considered choice about having children, but two things make me absolutely crazy:
—silly women who decide to have a baby as some kind of token of their latest relationship (like putting on a “friendship” ring)
—people who insist that reproduction is a human right, and therefore they are entitled to access assisted fertility treatments on demand. 
I have great sympathy for people who want children but cannot medically have them, but childbearing is a life choice.  It seems very hypocritical to me that as a society we sanction the scapegoating and vilification of overweight people, smokers, alcohol abusers and so on because their lifestyle choices create a burden on our health system, but accept unlimited access to assisted fertility treatments at public expense.

Cara says:

09:40am | 13/10/09

Thankyou so much for this article Anne. I respect all the comments posted here so far, but I think that Anne is really addressing young women who actually want to have children - not those who have chosen not to.

I am in my mid twenties and can very much relate to the issues which you discuss. I have friends in their late twenties who are in relationships but are too scared to emphasise how much they want to have children. Most men I know in that are in their twenties are simply not interested in having children (yet). The only problem is that by the time my friends leave these dead-end relationships, they’ll regret all the time they wasted, and be left feeling older, less attractive, with more pressure to find ‘the right one’.

Rebecca says:

01:29pm | 13/10/09

I’m happy to see there are other women out there who are happily single and childless.  As a single and content 32yo who enjoys her peace & quiet, I would much rather have a fur baby (cat or dog).  Their love is unconditional and they will happily sit with you in companionable silence.

Voxpop says:

07:53pm | 13/10/09

I’ve also had way too many people over the years try to dictate to me how I should live my life.  I knew from very early teens that I would never have children - other girls got all dreamy and romantic about the idea but it never once appealed to me.  I’ve had loads of debates with people over the years and am sick to the eyeballs of being told I’ll change my mind/regret my decision/who’ll look after me when I’m old? etc It’s none of their business!  The best /worse one was ‘what a waste of a good woman’ WTF?  I have even made bets with several people that just couldn’t accept that I’d never have kids - If I could be bothered trying to collect I’d have thousand$.
Fortunately I have a great circle of friends that respect my decision and my family including my mother have never once pressured or questioned my choice - they are very supportive. 
I’m in a long term relationship and have played the role of step-mum, with my partner respecting my choice although he only admits to mild curiosity of what our offspring would look like.  I’ve always been very clear with any previous BF’s that I wasn’t interested in having kids.  I have a neice and nephew that I absolutely love and 2 step-grandkids as well (so I can get them in small doses - which is enough). 
I’m about to turn 40 so am rather relieved that I don’t get asked this as often as I used to
All I can say to other young women is don’t let anyone else dictate how you should live your life, it’s not your duty - you know within yourself what you really want.

Bec says:

11:54pm | 13/10/09

Voxpop, on the day of my WEDDING I had to cope it from people. We got married in a catholic church, which means as part of the vows you have to say that you agree to children whom will enter your life. Despite the fact that I had already said I didn’t want children, a few workmates when they were congratulating us said “You’ve got no escape now, you’ve agreed to it in church!” This is without them knowing that we were medically unable to have children. Regardless of this, I don’t want them. Have always known that, when I went to visit my grandmother and family and they asked the ‘inevitable’ question (you’re under the age of 40 and married, of course you want kids, when are you getting pregnant) - my dad commented that since I was a kid he knew he wouldn’t have babies because I’ve never had the patience for small children. Again, I had to bring up our infertility, but it just goes to show how much people won’t let it go until you give them some definitive reason WHY. Some of the arguments above prove this - unless it’s your own children you don’t understand, you don’t know what you are missing out on.  For some women (and men for that matter) - just as you know that children are the best thing that has even happened to you, we can be just as sure that it’s not for us.

For the record, I’m a high school English teacher. I started doing this job because I love the idea of teaching literature, literacy and media. But now - for me - it is the perfect recipe - I get to spen this amazing time with my students, get the best and the worst, and get to hand them back at the end f the day. Admittedly, I get attached to some students, and I think that it is the little maternal gene I have in me. When I die - even though there is no chance of me having my own children (husband infertile, but even then, it’s what we both wanted - we can practice on our friend’s kids in the meantime) - I will truly appreciate I was able to take a part in the lives of some amazing children. And I don’t have to do any of the normal stuff - i’ve taught year 8 students with learning difficulties to love Shakespeare, i’ve sat up until 2am marking essays for my year 12 students before their HSC, and the first HSC class I ever taught, ended up withone of my students receiving a scholarship as a medical/surgery student at a top uni. I know I will always remember the special ones by name - the scholarship kid, the Iraqi refugee who came to study to avoid conscription and ended up in the top 10% of the state, the kids who used to form their own boy band and serenade me at the end of every class. I don’t need to have given birth to these children to have this. I am truly blessed that my time with them is being spent on what I love, and I can get them to love it too - like I said, Shakespeare, documentaries, To Kill A Mockingbird . On my deathbead, I will remember the incredible and devoted relationship I had with my husband, my fur kids, and the kids that I taught, knowing how many have moved on to medicine, law, teaching, commerce - I KNOW i’ve made a difference - I teach these kids how to read and write properly (in year 7, sadly improvements need to be made), to analyse texts, to question the world around them. I influnce directly up to about 150 kids a week. And I didn’t need to give birth to one of them…. And sometimes I wish I had more time - i’ve had to take almost an entire term off due to some emergency medical issues - and one of the things I have truly missed is the kids I teach, the texts I teach, and they way I can open their minds to the world (they are all fans of Twilight, so I have created a Gothic program to help them to read further from the simpler novels into the classics like Poel, Shelley etc. I care about them so much, when my friends came to visit, one of the first things they said was “You won’t get to teach your Gothic course properly, you must be upset!” They realise that this is important to me - and these are people with children, so they respect my choice as much as I respect theirs, which, once again, is all I ask. You don’t have the right to interrogate someone about this personal issue!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

carlo says:

02:15am | 07/11/09

I’ve given up on society. Women want to be bitches and rule the roost.
Quite frankly men will not marry a woman for “love” that a load of post modern bullshit.
But they will do it to raise a family.
So women learn to realise that its not just about you and that most men don’t subscribe to your knight in shining armour.
These days if a guy looks after himself he can have 20 year olds when hes 50. And being practical he will always want this…the only reason to tie yourself down with a woman is to have a family….keep reading romance novels girls cause unless the facts stack up the guys don’t care.

Sam says:

08:27pm | 20/11/09

I’m over being told i’m not a good teacher because i don’t have kids! I’ve recently got a promotion and i’m working in a school coaching teachers (working with teachers to improve teaching and learning throughout the school). I had to listen again to four teachers tell me that they are ‘better’ than me because they have kids of their own. I truely believe that each individual person is different and i know i am a nurturing teacher who is kind, firm and fair and let’s not forget damn right effective which is why i am their boss! 

I’ve been with my hubbie for 12 years and we have never wanted kids of our own. I see kids who are constantly neglected, abused and ignored by their family and i guess i was one of them too. Only today i had a mother in my office drunk with her three kids.

I grew up not wanting to be a parent purely because i think parenting is a role that needs to be carefully considered. I have many friends who are pregnant or planning on kids and they all dream of the ‘baby’ but are easy to forget the child, teenager and then adult!

I’m 30 now, so i guess i will always get the questions, looks and eye rolls from people when they ask. I know however we have made the right decision by concentrating on having a good marriage and life without trying to fit in to society.

Everyone has to make their own decisions and not be influenced by media, so called friends or general society.

Becky says:

10:21am | 22/11/09

I am a happily single 30 plus year old woman who does not now, never has, and never will want to have children.  I like my financial independence and a quiet life.  I breed dogs and they give me more companionship and joy than a child.  Having just decided to further my education I know that even if I did want kids I would not be doing it within the next four years anyway.  I see lots of wonderful things on the horizobn for me and kids aren’t one of them.

V says:

09:47am | 11/12/09

“Children are a gift from GOD” Psalms 127:3
If you don’t want this gift, righ now fine, but if you change your mind later in life and you can’t have children, you are going to have to live with that and accept it.  If you are over 35 and preagnet you are considered “advance Maternal Aging” and that’s when chromosomal problems arise..there is all these tests you have to take. you also run the chance of having fertility problems, down syndrome babies etc. simply because your eggs are too old. So just think about that for a moment.

Childfree and loving it! says:

05:15am | 19/12/09

It’s refreshing to read about women who feel the same way about parenting as I do. While this article indicated that the #1 reason for not having children is not having found the right partner, I choose not to have children for other reasons. While I am only 26, and happily married, many women tell me that my mind will change. However, I don’t feel as though it will. I love kids, in fact, I was in the education field for many years. My husband and I just don’t feel like we need to have children in our lives to feel fulfilled. We find fulfillment through attaining higher education, our careers, traveling, living overseas, and doting on our nieces and nephews. My question that I ask you: How do you respond when people ask you if you have kids, why you don’t have kids, or if you plan on having them and why not? I have a very hard time “explaning myself” and feel as though men never get this pressure. When I tell other women that I don’t want children, I don’t get a response as if they respect that answer. I always get told “why not”, “you’ll change your mind”... etc.

Christina says:

06:19pm | 14/01/10

I too never wanted kids. When I graduated college at 23, my boyfriend and I had a daughter. However, the boyfriend left for a 19 year old blonde and I was stuck raising a child that I had never really wanted in the first place. Don’t get me wrong, I loved my daughter, but I had dreams to travel as a biologist and do research and live on a boat, travel. I mostly dreamed of freedom. I began to resent my own child. I had never had much of a maternal streak in the first place. So after much consideration, when my daughter was 3 years old I gave her up for adoption. I considered this a less selfish act than keeping her and feeling resentful towards her. I am now 37 and still happily single. I have travelled extensively and now write this comment from my beautiful home in Belize(a far cry from Oklahoma!) My advice is to think about having a child before committing to it. It is not an 18 year sentence, but a life one.