In case you missed the Golden Globes…
Not planning on spending three hours of your life watching Ricky Gervais gamely work his way through his agonizing but compelling monologue, or realising Robert de Niro needs a script to sound intelligent?
Here’s a rundown of this year’s Golden Globes.
1. If there is one lesson to be gleaned from today’s glitz-fest it is this – smart girls get the bling.
Hollywood’s usual parade of lip-glossed poppets may squeeze into frocks and gamely tried to put one foot in front of the other (it’s harder than you might think. To wit, Eva Longoria and Megan Fox gamely trying to get to the microphone - maybe that 10m walk across a flat surface is harder than it looks?) as per usual, but they didn’t come away with any of the good stuff.
From Annette Benning’s turn as a lesbian mother in the Kids are Alright, to Jane Lynch’s kickarse coach in Glee, to Claire Danes’ autistic doctor in Temple Grandin to Laura Linney’s cancer survivor in The Big C, 2010 was a year for the thinking woman’s (and man’s) woman on-screen.
Aaron Sorkin put it best when he strode up to the podium to collect his gong for the screenplay for The Social Network.
“Elite is not a bad word, it’s an aspirational word,” he said addressing his daughter Roxy.
“Honey, look around; smart girls have more fun and you’re one of them.”
2. “I think I just dropped my heart between Natalie Portman and Julianne Moore,” Glee’s Chris Colfer said taking to the stage to pick up his best supporting actor.
After looking like he might pass out on the way to the stage, Colfer who is openly gay, gave by far and away the night’s best acceptance speech, dedicating his win to bullied teens.
“To all the kids who are constantly told no… by bullies that they can’t be who they are or have what they want because of who they are, well, screw that.”
3. Helen Mirren continued to shock and unnerve men the world over with quite how attracted they are to a 65-year-old. Phwoar.
4. Copious quantities of champagne were guzzled – according to The Hollywood Reporter, 9000 glasses of Moet and Chandon were sunk and that was after 1000 piccolos of the French plonk were handed out on the red carpet.
5. There is no chance Ricky Gervais (who hosted with his now-habitual pint keeping him company on the podium) will be asked back to host next year’s Globes.
His opening monologue was an uncomfortably biting spiel that took aim at Tom Cruise, Charlie Sheen, Johnny Depp, Robert Downey Jnr and Hugh Hefner’s penis.
Of sober for quite a while Robert Downey Junior, he said: “Many of you in this room probably know him best from such facilities as the Betty Ford Clinic and Los Angeles County Jail.”
Despite Angelina and Johnny Depp being strategically plonked around the room, Gervais cheerfully took aim at their Venetian flop.
“Seems like everything this year was three dimensional. Except the characters in The Tourist.”
“Nothing for Sex & The City Two. No, I was sure the Golden Globe for special effects would go to the team that aired that poster. Great job. Girls! We know how old you are! I saw one of you in an episode of Bonanza.”
“Also not nominated I Love You, Phillip Morris. Um, Jim Carrey and Ian MacGregor, two heterosexual actors pretending to be gay. Sort of the complete opposite of some famous Scientologists, then.”
“Congratulations to Hugh Hefner who’s getting married at the age of 84 to 24-year-old beauty Crystal Harris. When she was asked why she was marrying him, she said ‘cause he lied about his age. He told me he was 94.’ Oh come on. Don’t worry, hold out. Just don’t look at it when you touch it.”
6. Robert Downey Jnr gave as good as he got: “Aside from the fact that it’s been hugely mean-spirited with admittedly sinister undertones, I’d say the vibe of the show has been pretty good so far, wouldn’t you?”
7. Justin Bieber proved he could look quite dashing in a tux but had the presenting charisma of a first-year seminary student. Also, he brought the director of his upcoming 3D documentary as his date. (What, you didn’t know that there was a big-budget feature-length movie coming out about everyone’s favourite pubescent pop-sicle?)
8. Something of their allure is gone. With Angelina flopping all over Brad in her green sparkly sack that looked like she had nicked it from Joan Collins’ closet, while her other half happily chewed with his mouth open, some of the pair’s mystery definitely died tonight.
9. All serious young actors take note: glasses, big thick-rimmed black numbers should be your accessory of choice, a la Annette Benning and Paul Giacomotto, along with some a shocking tuft of messed hair (I’m talking about you, Al Pacino).
10. The star of the night was Natalie Portman’s baby bump. Swaddled in pink silk Viktor & Rolf, the first visible signs of Portman’s pregnancy nearly stole the red carpet show from Helena Bonham Carter’s nearly indescribable look. Nearly.
11. The number of different coloured shoes Helena Bonham Carter wore – 2. The number of people shocked by this turn of events – 0. Or, as The Washington Post described her get –up: “sloppy-drunk retro ‘80s party.”
12. Now that awards season is well and truly in swing, The Social Network is shaping up to be the film to beat after it nabbed four awards including Best Picture, Best Director, Best Screenplay and Best Score.
Meanwhile, the young star of the Facebook flick, Jesse Eisenberg, spent the entire show not able to settle on one expression, veering between nauseous and studious young thespian with alarming rapidity.
He is definitely going to have to work on that before the Academy Awards on February 27th when he is hotly tipped to be nominated for his turn as nerd extraordinaire Mark Zuckerberg.
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