If you’ve got anything worth leaking, better get in now
From: Joe Hildebrand
Sent: Wednesday, 1 December
To: Undisclosed recipients
Er, look, this is a bit embarrassing but it appears that in the interests of freedom and democracy WikiLeaks is about to publish everything I ever said to or about anyone. I figured it’s better if you hear it from me first, so I thought I’d let you know what was coming.
Firstly, to my cousin Dan: When I was seven years old and me and my friend Chris wouldn’t play with you on the beach that time, it was because Chris said you had boogers and I agreed with him. I now accept that you do not have boogers. At least not anymore.
To Lisa B: I told my best friend Gareth in Grade Six that I liked you and now WikiLeaks is going to send it to The Guardian. To be fair though, you should have been able to figure it out when I kept hitting you on the oval. So anyway, what are you up to these days?
To my mum: When I was 15 I ran away from home and said “I hate you” as I was walking out the door. I didn’t really mean it and in retrospect I did not have a “constitutional right” to smoke bongs as I argued at the time.
To my lecturers at uni: You were right: I do not have 15 grandparents who all died. I was just incredibly lazy and had failed to complete my essays on time. Having said that, you guys really should have cross-checked my excuses earlier and you could have had me at number five.
To Centrelink: The time that I was half an hour late to the job training workshop was not due to a localised earthquake as I said in my stat dec but because I overslept. Also all the employers I put down in my jobseeker diary were fake, except for the position of “Avon Ambassador”.
To the Australian Tax Office: My income as Avon Ambassador was in fact only one-tenth of what I declared. I grossly over-inflated it because I wanted to impress my accountant.
To the people at the bar where I worked for three shifts: That time we were watching Pauline Hanson on the news and I said out loud “What a racist bitch!” I was secretly wondering what it would be like to shag her.
To Pauline Hanson: See above.
To the girl I broke up with in 2003: Actually it wasn’t me, it was you.
To Jerry Seinfeld: I used to slag off your show all the time but now I get it.
To Darrin: For years I wrote a column in which I constantly referred to you as fat and gay. I know this was unfair to you, particularly since you can’t read.
To Table 14 at the Aurora Hotel: That time I got a shout for everybody, I actually put it on Gazza’s tab. Apologies to everyone for taking the credit for it. Apologies also to Gazza.
To the girl from Tonic Nightclub: Actually the tests came back positive, but I guess you know that by now.
To Dick Cheney: It was me who first started telling people that Iraq had weapons of mass destruction. I thought it was funny at the time but it kind of got a life of its own. Sorry!
Anyway, that pretty much covers it. While this has been a bit awkward, I now realise that it is vitally important that everybody knows everything everyone has ever said or done. Otherwise how would albino sociopaths like Julian Assange know what it was like to be human?
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