Sometimes, when I’m particularly sleepy, I drink coffee. It’s my little way of pistol-whipping my brain in the face and letting it know I’m in charge. There are times when I simply can’t afford to let old Grey Matter drift off and have to resort to sweatshop tactics circa 1982.

Is Jason wearing espresso goggles or is this a very attractive man?

Often, however, this just doesn’t cut it. Scientists tell us that at any given time, we are using but a small fraction of the squishy stuff inside our domes. The rest, apparently, is busy playing solitaire, visiting AwkwardFamilyPhotos.com or sharing a spliff.

This, simply put, is not good enough. And so, in a desperate search for scientifically-sound solutions, I have once again turned to Hollywood.

Earlier this week, I caught professional handsome-guy Bradley Cooper’s latest flick, Limitless, at my local cinema.

Limitless taught me three things: Ponytails always look shit, narration is annoying, and one day a drug will be invented that boosts brain power by 1000 per cent.

All along, it seems, my parents and teachers were wrong – drugs do solve everything (they were, however, right about Bradley Cooper being really, really handsome).

The mind boggles at how un-boggled the mind would be if it were able to reach its full potential and win many consecutive games of Boggle.

Boggle, of course, has been the internationally-recognised measure of intelligence since the late 80s (it was only recently replaced by the show “Numb3rs”).

No longer would we navigate this bright and wondrous world as intellectual plebs. The smart pill would be the biggest breakthrough since cavemen learnt to google things.

If my brain received a 1000 per cent chemical boost, I would be able to perform all manner of miracles.

I could complete an intermediate Sudoku, cryptic crossword or one side of a Rubik’s Cube. I would no longer have to pretend to understand Dylan, 2001: A Space Odyssey or anything that comes out of Charlie Sheen’s mouth. I could even, if I really concentrated, say the alphabet backwards.

The possibilities are endless.

Parliamentarians would gain the extraordinary ability to actually explain their policies beyond the ever-popular “because… (insert rival politician) is a robot/communist/puppet/racist/part-time rapper”.

Stephen Hawking would become intelligent enough to realise that no one likes a smart-arse, while Colonel Gaddafi would learn that a full-scale uprising means people don’t like you very much.

Americans would be able to enjoy classic British and Australian comedies without having to reduce them to steaming piles of US-branded sadness and Arrested Development would actually make money.

Celebrities would write their own “autobiographies” and the phrase “should of” would disappear forever.

Excitement would sweep across the globe, just as it did when World War II ended or The Matrix almost made the 90s cool.

But how long would the dream last?

What will Eddie do when people actually start making it to the million-dollar question and he can no longer make snide and condescending remarks?

How will internet scammers cope when people finally realise it’s probably not a good idea to post their date of birth, license number, pet names and passport number on Facebook?

What will Scooter Braun do when he realises he has a stupid name?

And if we are all equally intelligent, how are we supposed to feel superior to our colleagues, siblings, spouses, leaders, coaches and parents?

Personally, I don’t care. I’m way too jacked up on coffee as it is.

Most commented

28 comments

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    • acotrel says:

      04:52am | 24/03/11

      You set your own mental limits - the important thing is application! You just need to ensure that you don’t do it in the workplace, or others will ride on your back.

    • deb says:

      07:02am | 24/03/11

      We have to have the stupid times .Mostly because we all do stupid things
      Dont like to admit it though.Learn by your mistakes?  If only!

    • John says:

      07:24am | 24/03/11

      The statement ‘we only use a small part of our brain’ really needs to be stopped, I hear this everywhere yet as somebody in the neuroscience field I know it is complete garbage. Please Journalists do some research before posting blatant bullshit

    • acotrel says:

      07:58am | 24/03/11

      @John Are you another scientist struggling with his credibility? Can homeopathy be used to perform brain surgery?

    • Rev says:

      08:18am | 24/03/11

      Well clearly if we had this 1000x brain power drug, we’d all know that.

      Jeeez!

    • Dave Sag says:

      08:18am | 24/03/11

      Many of us do however only use 20% of our legs.

      Saw the film, its was fun, and my wife didn’t fall asleep in it, which is a plus, tho not actually a sign of a good movie.  She can’t stay awake in The 5th Element which is an awesome movie. Go figure.

    • David C says:

      08:24am | 24/03/11

      please enlighten us?

    • Boort says:

      09:28am | 24/03/11

      Reminds me of the time a Scientologist handed me a brochure (with Eistein on the cover) infomring us we only use 10% of our brain blah blah blah argument…
      I commented that since we only use 10%, how about I remove 90% of his brain?
      I declined my offer, unfortunately… yes, we use 100% of the brain - as evolved beings, if we didnt need it, it would not have evolved to where it is now…

    • cure469 says:

      12:05pm | 24/03/11

      4acotrel
      The “Little” picture focuses on the back pocket. It focuses on Heart Foundation ticks and the condition of the 2 stroke engine pumping blood round the individual body. Considering the populist view of a full pantry is a good pantry, Dave’s 100% employment plan from 18 years ago, as being the ultimate goal, and as such has ben affected by Chuckie Sullivan’s ideology regarding free loaders and the importance of the individual’s responsibility for footing the bill.
      The BIG picture is arterial passageways clogged and chocking in both smoke and rage. Supermarkets filled with furrowed brows and gnashing teeth. It is a trade off between: an indoor chicken coupe complete with a CPU and a telephoney connection to an angry public; and the emptiness of suburban parks and playgrounds…? ... sigh…
      In short your cure does requires homeopathic brain surgury, to correct the notions of ambivalent self centred concern on the small matter of “traditional values” to convert them into more alien, more schitzophrenic (look up the meaning, doesn’t mean what news readers, presenters and alike would like to lead you to believe it does), more alternative views regarding how the individual relates to and with the grander scheme of things.

    • acotrel says:

      04:48pm | 24/03/11

      @Cure469 I detect a note of pessimism in your post.  In conversation with someone the other day, I mentioned the perceptive nature of many of the comments on this forum.  In reading them I only feel optimistic..  ‘Values’ are important and many of use make ‘value judgements’ without being concerned about ethics.  However I detect a paradigm shift which is mainly due to open discussion on the web.

    • JR says:

      09:11am | 24/03/11

      What was the point of this drivel?

    • Austin 3:16 says:

      10:02am | 24/03/11

      To give the work experience kid a chance to write an article maybe?

    • Looking for Mrs King says:

      11:32am | 24/03/11

      Jason’s reminded us why D…Gale would miss the Scarecrow the most.

    • Jackie says:

      09:16am | 24/03/11

      Yes Jason, Bradley Cooper is a VERY VERY attractive man.

    • Audra Blue says:

      10:44am | 24/03/11

      I agree.  He’s definitely eye candy of the highest order.  Unfortunately, I couldn’t bring myself to share Jennifer Aniston’s cast offs.  Sorry, Brad, honey, maybe in my next life

    • LauraBoBaura says:

      09:55am | 24/03/11

      Really? I don’t see it… he has scary eyes & a wolf grin.. must just be me

    • Audra Blue says:

      11:14am | 24/03/11

      You say that like it’s a bad thing…...

    • notSue says:

      11:42am | 24/03/11

      I knew we were simpatico, Laura. I don’t see it either. He gives me the creeps!

    • Sad Sad Reality says:

      12:59pm | 24/03/11

      You’d all pump him like a hyperactive kid with a deflated soccer ball at Christmas.

    • LauraBoBaura says:

      01:48pm | 24/03/11

      Oh yay notSue - I thought it was just me, I knew I liked you!! smile He played a lot of roles in his early career where he was the creepy jerk guy, he was pretty convincing, I think that’s what turned me off him.

      @Audra… haha it is a bad thing… he creeps me out!

    • 50ISL says:

      12:44pm | 24/03/11

      Establishing a relationship between “the pill”, the looking glass, distortion and the laws of physics…
      1. Mr Sheen… 1986… Wraith…. Jake…. 5/2 is irrational
      2. The Rubik’s Cube, the Time Transfunctioner & the Minnesota connection
      3. Dylan, huit blown in the wind is ...
      4. 2001: 2010 : IO : Europa
      5. Theoretically the length of the dream is proportionate to that of the string.

    • acotrel says:

      04:54pm | 24/03/11

      @50ISL Is there logic involved in solving the Rubik’s cube?  When my kids had the cubes I detested them.  My competitive son could always get the thing out in a few minutes.  I could only fumble with it. I can handle the maths involved with pattern recognition, and also quantum mechanics, but they can shove their Rubik’s cube!

    • TimB says:

      05:44pm | 24/03/11

      Acotrel, yes there is.

      From any position, I can solve a Rubik’s cube in around 5 mins (10 tops). You merely need to follow a certain sequence of steps depending on your situation.

    • acotrel says:

      03:16am | 25/03/11

      @TimB Thanks for that.  I remember my son always seemed to be doing the same things with the cube, when I watched him.  I suppose I was just too lazy to develop and remember the routine.  I’m the family Monopoly champion.  There’s a guaranteed technique for winning that ! I’ve found that all those hours playing games with my kids has had an unusual effect on them.  They all compete with each other, and outsiders.  The tragedy is my 43 year old engineer son has just had a heart attack, and open heart surgery and is recovering well, but he’s still competing.  You can tell it from his conversation.  I told him ages ago that he must learn when to walk away, but he’s just too conscientious and committed to let go.

    • 50ISL says:

      11:23am | 25/03/11

      Monopoly and traditional values. acotrel would you like to join in on a wholesome game of monopoly me and my mates are playing. All the properties are currently owned, but we are looking for new blood, so to speak, and would love for a champ like yourself to join in on the “fun”?
      As Little John said, “There is only one thing to do when the other players holds all the aces…” (Dean Martin - Robin & the Seven Hoods)

      ***Sincerest best wishes for you & your son’s speedy recovery

    • LauraBoBaura says:

      02:20pm | 24/03/11

      Don’t know why people always bag your columns Jason.. I always find them funny… much funnier than NT indigenous interventions anyway..

      I’ve always thought that being able to regulate the levels of seratonin in your brain would be a pretty handy device, never ending access to all the effects of mind altering substances you wanted, for free, with no harm to your internal organs! Yay!

      I wonder if they’ll ever make a pill for that.

    • featherwalker says:

      04:01pm | 24/03/11

      Bradley Cooper… handsome? Particularly handsome even???
      I dont know what it is about this guy, but he sets off all my ‘repulse’ instincts and every red flag in the box. He’s just so smarmy.

    • Peter Townson says:

      10:32am | 27/03/11

      God damn clever article i must say

 

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