The other week I got hit on, rather aggressively, by a woman. So what, right? I thought so too, but when I relayed the story to my male friends, their response was uniform: “Were you wearing this purple nailpolish at the time? Of course you got hit on by a woman! Those nails are screaming out that you like it kinky!”
Excuse me? Really? And here I was thinking I was just being fashionable. On further investigation (read: insightful office polling and questioning others via email), turns out that you can, indeed, give off the wrong message with your clothing. Tight white jeans? You want some. Florals? You’re a prude. Yellow? It scares men away.
To allay any confusion and make sure you don’t leave the house broadcasting unintentional signals, I’ve had a go at translating what celebrities are saying with their outfits. Shouting, in most cases. Here, let me demonstrate:
Ashley Tisdale
“I’m so ridiculously young, famous and good looking that it doesn’t matter if I’m wearing something that looks like I nicked it from Maria Sharapova’s wardrobe. I’m allowed to wear a tennis outfit with fringed, slashed, suede ankle boots if I want to. You know why? ‘Cause I’m the best thing to come out of the most publicized movie of 2009 and as long as my hair is done and I have all this arm jewellery, you’ll still love me. And 15-year-old girls will copy me.”
Bar Rafaeli
“Once I leave here I’m going to jump into my pink convertible, head to Malibu and play with Skipper and Ken.”
Rachel Bilson and Hayden Christensen
“We’re pretty dirty we didn’t get asked to be in New Moon. So we’re sucking up to our clothing sponsor, Lacoste, cause it might be a while before we get a paid acting role once people have figured out our only real talents are dressing alike and staying out of the sun.”
Ryan Reynolds
“So what if I’m wearing nude on beige on natural? I’m married to Scarlett Johannssen. Go f**k yourself.”
Sandra Bullock
“I don’t really care if Cameron and Julia make more money than me … I like myself just the way I am and don’t give a toss what anyone thinks. I’m actually happy.”
Sophie Dahl
“Look at me! Look at me! So I’m not model-thin anymore. Who cares? I’m a credible author with a very famous gran-daddy, and I deserve just as much attention as everyone’s new favourite English blonde on the model block, Agyness Deyn. Now I’m going to ask nicely one more time. Take. My. Photo.”
Alice Dellal
“Just because I’m wearing ripped stockings and a midriff, don’t think I’ll jump into bed with you. This is a fashion statement, not an invitation to sleep with me while I’m handcuffed to the bed and you’re holding a whip, got it?”
Nicky Hilton
“I’m much more intellectual than my sister.”
Heather Graham
“It’s been years since I’ve been in a movie, so I’d just like to really reinforce, slam it in, ham in down in your memory how absolutely hot I was. How much men lusted after me, and how I’d probably do just about anything to satisfy their fantasies. Also, I’m about to turn 40, so if nothing else, this dress is doing a whole lot for my ego right now. I’ve still got it, and I want you to know it.
Eva Mendes
“I couldn’t be bothered coming to this party tonight but my publicist forced me, then Heather Graham’s publicist shoved me into this photo with her and now I look like a frump. I knew I should have just kept watching Real Housewives of Orange County.”
Drew Barrymore
“I’ve given up. I like blankets now. Even Snuggies are too tailored for my lifestyle.”
Lisa Snowdon
“George Clooney broke up with me a few years ago, so my new thing is to dress like Krystle Carrington ... she always had good luck with husbands back in the day, right? Also, and this is kind of a secret, but my agent’s putting me forward for a role on Lipstick Jungle next week and I’m dressing in preparation! This’ll kill Brooke Shields! What? What do you mean the show was cancelled last year? My agent says … oh f**k it.”
Rosie Huntington-Whitely
“I’m obviously the star in this relationship, and I never let him forget it. He’s lucky to be breathing the same air as me and he bloody well knows it.”
Tom Cruise
“Me and my son, we’re just chillin. We love each other so much man, that we like to dress alike. He just looks up to me so much and thinks I am IT that he wants to do what I’m doin, wear what I’m wearin, eat what I’m eatin. What can I say man. You know? You get it?”
Read more about celebrity fashion on Nedahl’s daily blog at Coco Lee
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