ICB: Faking it - I cannut believe it’s not peanut butter
Welcome to this week’s I Call Bullshit, a weekly look at bollocks and balderdash, spin and pseudoscience. This week’s bullshit just lobbed into my inbox this morning, so it’s FRESH!
It’s nut-free peanut butter. Yes, it’s the nut world’s I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter.
An increasing number of kids are inexplicably becoming deadly allergic to more things – particularly nuts. Meanwhile the number of hypochondriac adults who think being allergic to stuff makes them appear more youthful is skyrocketing.
Naturally a market has opened up for allergy-friendly, gluten-free everything. And every time a marketing bod creates an ‘alternative’ to something people already love, they try their very hardest to convince you that it’s a true alternative.
Bacon must be one of the most-faked meats on the market. That’s because bacon is a wondrous creation. It’s like someone took the magical beast and glazed it with manna from Heaven before smoking it with the fires of Hell.
Much of its magic lies in its salty meaty goodness, and its animal fats, which coat your tongue with enough joy to help you forget how they coat your arse and your arteries.
It’s no surprise, then, that there has been veggie bacon and vacon and fakon. In some Muslim countries you get served turkey bacon. They’re all bullshit imitations.
Other mock meats include Tofurkey – in fact tofu can be turned into pretty much anything in shape, if not in flavour.
Thing is, some fake foods actually taste pretty good. I have a friend who makes a vegetarian sausage roll with nuts and Vegemite and they’re really tasty. But they don’t taste all that much like sausage rolls.
I don’t mind turkey bacon. But it doesn’t taste like bacon. And bacon made from tofu is a travesty.
Confession: I even like seafood extender – but when people pretend it tastes like crab, that’s where I Call Bullshit.
It’s great that the thoughtful folks at Eskal have created FreeNut Butter (available in Crunchy or Smooth). It’s made from roasted sunflower seeds, and they are quite tasty.
And hooray for vegan chocolate and dairy-free ice cream, I’m sure they’re great.
But they’re still fake. The Chinese are really really good at faking things. This is how good they are:
I’m guessing these counterfeit eggs don’t taste like a real egg. They’re bullshit.
PS: Isn’t there also something a little bit bullshit about getting kids who may or may not have anaphylactic reaction to peanuts hooked on something that looks like peanut butter, comes in a jar like peanut butter, and has a similar name to peanut butter?
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