I don’t actually LOL or LMAO, I just say I did

And although it took some time for me to embrace it, now that I have I think it’s totes awes.

My pers fav is the brilliant “WTF” because within its apparent simplicity is hidden a beautiful versatility.

It’s the cyberquivalent of the underworld’s “Fahgeddaboutit”. It is the Schroedinger’s Cat of “acrowords”. It is both a question AND a statement.

Of course we all know that WTF stands for “What The Fuck” (not “What’s That For?”, which is what an elderly lady asked me).

But for the uninitiated, WTF’s usage is wide open to interpretation and although possibly the most commonly used acronym, its usage as an acroword is limited because actually saying Double-You Tee Eff is sort of cumbersome whereas “whatthefuck” rolls off the tongue and can have inflection added to help it mean whatever you want.

While poring over the mX on the train, you might hear “OMG Kim Kardashian got that $10K Prada bag for like, free or some shit…WTF?!” or maybe “WTF is up with Beatrice’s “hat”?” or you may think to yourself “WTF is it about me that makes crack-heads think I’m up for a bit of a chat?”

So clearly, now you’re thinking “I gots to get me some of this action! How do I incorporate it so I sound like one of the cool kids?”

My particular brand of WTF has a light questioning tone, is written in capitals and whispering it to myself is usually accompanied by a light eye-roll and small head-shake. But it has a million and one simple every day uses.

Yes, I have counted them all. Here is a short selection of ways in which I have also used it.

• WTF! Can denote aggression or startlement.
• wtf. The lower-case wtf is a slightly “meh” wtf, accompanied by a shoulder shrug.
• W.T.F?! ohhh fuck! is good for those times when your car gets towed and you realise that you read the sign wrong and it was your own fault.
• wtFaaaark! Use this extended version when watching something incredible happen, like maybe when you see someone nail a hole-in-one at the golf or at the football when you see one of the WAGs eating or wearing heels she is able to walk in properly. Nah, JK, that’ll never happen. Pronounced as in WTFdidIreallyjustseethat…?
• WTFF and WTMFF are also gaining popularity. There are more ways to use it as the need arises but as you can see, it’s already versatile and for what it is, it could be left alone.

Howevs, IMO the time has come for further change. It’s time the W stood up and took a step forward to become more than just a double-other-letter with identity issues (I mean come on, it’s a clearly Double V, not a Double-U, blind Freddy could see that).

It’s time for “Who”, “Where”, “When” and “Why” to take their rightful place alongside “What” and for “WTF” to evolve dynamically for whatever situation may arise. Imagine your boss informs you that your workload will increase.

That calls for a WTF. Actually that sitch calls for a Double-WTF. (That’s right. Firstly, bust out the trad WTF, because srsly WhatTheFUCK! And then I would throw in the new-wave WTF). Said WTF would probably be over the IM system with “WTF does he think we will have time to do all this extra shit?” So “When The Fuck” gets a go.

Let’s say you are going to a wedding and although your husband has known the colour of your dress for weeks, the tie he wears doesn’t match at all. When you get to the wedding, I wouldn’t be surprised if you got a text from a friend stating “WTF is Gary’s tie Magenta, when your dress is clearly Turquoise?”

Common workplace group-emails would include “WTF took my yoghurt from the fridge?”, “WTF did my stapler go?” or “WTF didn’t you tell me the pregnancy test came back positive, Helen?” BTW, I mean srsly, HTF are we not already doing this?

So as you can see, it’s new and edgy. Except that like everything else, if I’m writing about it, chances are its no longer new and edgy anymore and the cool kids have already moved on to something new like growing a moustache and wearing a cardigan while riding a fixie while sipping soy macchiatos.

And if that’s what’s new and edgy, I don’t think I will ever catch up again. So WTF bother trying?

Glossary:
LOL – Laugh Out Loud (you will have noticed yourself doing this a lot as you read the above article)
LOTI – Laughing On The Inside.
ROFL – Rolling On the Floor Laughing (its missing a “t”, but ROTFL doesn’t sound as good)
LMAO – Laughing My Arse Off (Pronounced “El Mao” as in Mao the Chairman, but from Mexico)
ROFLMAO – Rolling On the Floor Laughing My Arse Off.
CHOGM – Not sure, sounds like a toilet noise. Or a big waste of money.
Interwebs – Nerd-ternative for Internet.
Nerd-ternative – I’m a wanker.
Internet – High-speed Instant Porn Delivery Service.
SMS – Sex Messaging Service
Totes awes – short for Totally Awesome. (The “awes” sounds the same as “sauce”).
Pers Fav – short for Personal Favourite. This actually isn’t my Pers Fav.
Cyberquivalent – Seriously, I really am a wanker.
Acroword/Wordonym – Those annoying words that exist because we got sick of saying the acronym all the time. See “CHOGM”.
JK – Just Kidding. No really, its stands for “Just Kidding”.
Schroedinger’s Cat – I hope you’ve heard of Google.
WTF – What The Fuck
WTFF – What The Fucking Fuck
WTMFF – What The Mother Fucking Fuck
Sitch – short for Situation. Not “The Situation”. And if you know who that is, I pity us.
OMG – Seriously? Come off it.
Kardashian – Someone incomprehensibly popular for being rich and famous but who has no discernible talents outside of Adult-related bedroom-time and Guinness Book noteworthy marriage lengths.
Srsly – Short for seriously. No, seriously. That’s 4 characters saved right there. All vowels!
Howevs – shortened version of However. Similar to Whatevs. (see how much time can be saved?)
BTW – By The Way.
IMO – In My Opinion. Can also be IMHO by adding humility.
HTF – How The Fuck? See what I did there? OMG, so totes clev.
Clev – seriously? No that’s not a real one, I was just being a smartarse. I’ll just STFU now.
STFU – Shut The Fuck Up.