How to vote in the electorate of Melbourne
I don’t mind admitting, I was excited when I rocked up to the polling booth. I was voting in Melbourne and Greens candidate Adam Bandt was favourite to win with the bookies.
There was no incumbent, this wasn’t a safe Liberal or Labor seat. No matter who I voted for, I felt like my vote could really make a difference.
I got my first How To Vote card from the kindly old Democrat volunteer and couldn’t help but notice they’d given their 3rd preference to the candidate from the Australian Sex Party. Way to go Democrats. I had no idea you guys were into that kind of Party!
My next HTVC came from the Family First volunteer. Libs second, ALP third, no surprises there, but further down, Australian Sex Party 6th, Greens 7th! What?
Turns out, Family First hate the Greens so much, they’d rather you vote for the Australian Sex Party. Not only that, they put the Secular Party ahead of the Greens as well.
Some young go getter from the Libs saw me taking HTVC’s and took real action to rush in to hand me hers. Labor last, then Greens, then the Sex Party. Fair enough, they’d rather get in bed with the Sex Party than Labor.
Then some Union Heavy gave me a Labor HTVC and it turns out Labor want the Sex Party preferenced third! Who the hell are the Sex Party? I asked the guy behind me to mind my spot and went looking for the Sex Party volunteer.
‘Is anyone here from the Australian Sex Party’, I yelled out. The old guy from the Democrats pointed me in the right direction. ‘She’s down there’.
I looked and suddenly a chorus of angels burst into song. There she was, young, fit, beautiful. A picture of womanly virtue.
She smiled as I walked towards her, and even though I was starting to drool, she handed me her HTVC and said, ‘Vote one for the Australian Sex Party’. In my stunned condition I couldn’t make words, no I nodded, said Uh-Huh and walked back to my place in line.
Yes to Same Sex Marriage. Yes to a Woman’s Right to Decide. Decriminalisation of Personal Drug Use. Royal Commission into Child Sex Abuse in the Churches. Yes to X-Rated Non-Violent Erotica. All worthy policy platforms that I knew nothing about.
These guys need some direct action on getting a good PR person on board. They need to get the message out there. Hot volunteers is a good start, but they need more.
So I voted, I did my civic duty and walked out. On the way the Sex Party Goddess caught my eye and winked. I wish I’d showered before I voted.
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