How to support your friends when their pets are fading

Joju says:

07:48am | 14/01/10

A particularly timely article for me… On Tuesday we had our 22 year old cat put to sleep. He had not yet quite reached the point of being in regular or constant pain, but his quality of life had diminished through arthritis and partial loss of sight and hearing. Upon making it to the vet he became very animated and ‘perky’, but it was clearly more as a result of his diffrent surrounds and the preceding car trip. Having seen his sister go through the pain and indignity stage a few years back, we knew it was the right thing to do. Non pet owners will not understand, but the pain of losing a pet that has been part of the family (the cat was 22, I’m 24) is extraordinary.
Thank you for the article.

Dr Steve Anich says:

07:56am | 14/01/10

I totally agree with everything you’ve written and hope that lots of people read it. If I may add a comment, one thing I always do with people when “the time” is approaching is to have a discussion about the concept of suffering, and it goes a bit like this:

“We all want to avoid suffering in life, especially for our pets who can’t decide or help themselves. We all agree with this, but what actually is this concept of suffering? My explanation is that we all experience pain, hunger, grief, stress, old-age - that’s life .... but it’s when we can no longer emotionally cope with those feelings or experiences that we are suffering. So, if an animal has arthritic pain, that’s OK, we can treat it, but if the pain is unbearable and getting worse, and no longer responding to analgesic drugs and supportive measures i.e. it’s progressive and irreversible, and Fido is no longer coping, then we have a duty to put him to sleep. And that’s where the guilt question creeps in. If we know he is on the downhill slide, we should try (and the more you love the animal, the more courage required) to euthanase before he goes into that dark place we call suffering. If we do it a little early, we have the consolation of knowing we treated him well and maintained his wellbeing and dignity as long as possible, but then prevented him suffering. If we wait until he’s suffering in order to then justify euthanasia, we have to then live with the pain (or guilt) of knowing that we let him suffer.”

This problem of timing, of course, is easier with pain. The really tricky ones are where it is a chronic illness with no overt signs of pain. It is easier to justify delaying euthanasia if Molly is just slowing down, or losing weight, or not eating much, because there’s no line or point at which we can say that she is now suffering. It’s a gradual slide and we usually treat it as a shared decision between the owners (and their friends/supporters) and the veterinary team to help find the right time.

Emma is right about animals disguising pain - eons of evolution has instilled a great need to tolerate pain in order to avoid being predated upon. But we need to (and I think we can totally justify doing so) anthropomorphise and say if an animal has a disease or injury that would be painful or cause suffering for me, it probably is for her even if she is not showing any overt signs.

Jason Ealey says:

08:04am | 14/01/10

This is a really interesting and thought provoking article and something I will share with my freinds as we all love our pets so dearly. The handling of a pet’s death is so personal but advice and assistance from your trusted friends to keep your head clear is a necessity.

Beckala says:

08:23am | 14/01/10

Thank you for this article. Some people simply don’t understand the vital role pets play in some people’s lives. My husband and I can’t have children, so our pets, or as we call them, our “kids of the furry kind” are the only children we will ever be able to have. They have personalities, they make us laugh on a daily basis - hell, when I’m on holidays I miss them and ensure that someone stays with them so they don’t become distressed. People who scoff at the thought of a person spending money on an operation for an animal make me angry - why do they need to patronise my feelings towards my animals and yet expect me to fully support their feelings towards their kids? I’m not saying it’s the same (I KNOW it’s not, but it’s the only option I have), I’m just saying that there is a depth of feeling towards pets too. So thank you so so much for this article legitimizing the bond between pet and owners.

Liz says:

08:34am | 14/01/10

Good article and sensible advice.My attitude has always been with pets however loved is that they do not suffer, that includes regular visits to vets which cause stress,medication for serious conditions and operations.It’s tough but it considers their comfort and dignity and is not for me and my comfort and avoidance of suffering.Sometimes you have to front up to it and get on with it.

Jamers Hunter says:

08:55am | 14/01/10

any one who has not had a pet cannot realy understand. any one who has had a pet that has become their sole companion and then loses it will know its atleast as bad as losing a human partner.
the emotional reliance is the same ,the companionship is the same and the warm body in the bed is the same and ultimately the loss is the same.
unfortunately the little critters dont live long enough so we should get used to having them and losing them. but you dont. well i dont.
sholud be more retirement homes/villages that allow one to bring in ones pet companion. sure the people would live both happier and longer. maybe the longer part is why they dont allow it ??
in memory of three german shepherds one lab/mastiff cross one staffie/lab cross/three cats. just hope our two beagles have a long life. but still like my wife, would rather they die first then know i was leaving them the missery of grieving for me.

Anthony says:

09:08am | 14/01/10

You’re already taking it easy on your friends by using “euthanased” instead of “put down” or “destroyed”.

T.Chong says:

09:40am | 14/01/10

JH. Pets in nursing homes do exist- companion animals are a reasonably common feature of nursing homes in NSW, though they tend to belong to staff, or the home, rather than the resident.
OH+S compliance would be the main determining issue , plus care/finances of the pet, if the owner is no longer able to provide.

H of SA says:

09:50am | 14/01/10

A very worthy article. A good point is that the standard of vetinary care has improved greatly so yes owners shouldn’t be afraid to speak to the vet about what might be able to be done. My very old dog has a better quality of life now than he did a couple of years ago due to sasha’s blend in his diet helping with arthritis. We heard about it from a vet. He probably has a few more years left judging by his mobility now - without this intervention he would probably be a very unhappy dog.

Jane says:

10:01am | 14/01/10

What a beautiful article - thank you! And advice on how to be a good and effective supportive person during this time.

Greypower says:

10:44am | 14/01/10

Thank you for this Kate.  I will keep in mind the words of Dr Hughes “I have never known an owner that felt guilty about having their pet euthanased too early but I have known many people who felt guilty about waiting too long.”

Over 47 years we’ve had lots of dogs, cats and other animals as pets - but never had to have one put down - snake bite, run over, ticks, rat poison etc.  Never had inside dogs either—-  but our latest is a Moodle who sleeps on our bed!  We adore her! such a comfort in our later years.

Julie Coker-Godson says:

10:47am | 14/01/10

How appropriate is this article! Just this morning I received a phone call from a distressed girlfriend.  Her 17 year old English Cocker-Spaniel had fallen down the backsteps of their coastal holiday home and although nothing was broken, he was very, very dazed and looked for all the world as if he was having a stroke.  The vet sedated him to keep him still and has given him painkilling medication.  My girlfriend has asked me if I would drive her back to Canberra today with her pet as he will not be able to cope when the rest of the family arrive for summer holidays.  Of course I have said I would, poor old man, and he’s such a beautiful boy!  So after this punch, I’ll be getting showered, dressed and off to Canberra with my English Cocker-Spaniel who is 12, my girlfriend and her pet.  A very prophetic article given today’s events.  Thank You.

Bob says:

10:58am | 14/01/10

Thanks’ Kate for your piece. It’s a subject not often raised but this discussion will help many people, I’m sure, make better decisons. I lost one of my 2 cats last year but I was away and my wife said a note had turned up in our letterbox from aneighbour saying they had found our cat in their garden. Louie had been hit by a car and was suffering immensely. The neighbour had found her the evening before (fairly late) and had taken her to the local vet. When I called the vet they broke the news that she was too badly injured and had been put to sleep. I wasn’t prepared for any of this and as it all took place in less than 10 minutes (from my wife’s call to speaking to the vet)  so broke down for the next 30 minutes. I immediately drove back to Sydney from the Blue Mountains but had my little kids in the car so had to hide my grief whilst I worked out how to discuss it with them. My wife was waiting for me and was equally distraught. We left the kids with neighbours and went and collected Louie as we wanted to see her one last time. She looked peaceful and thankfully there were no signs of the trauma she had gone through. We took her home,had a small service with the children and laid Louie to rest in our backyard. Whilst the whole experience was devestating I believe having to say goodbye to a (pet) family member would have been much much tougher.

Sam Chowder says:

12:17pm | 14/01/10

The day before Christmas Eve I had to have my best pal of 13 years euthanased.  Tests had shown he had inoperable cancer complications and all advice was, that in the best interest of the dog, euthanasia was the kindest option.  We took my lovely Norman home overnight to say goodbye, but he was very ill and he and I both could see the end had come.  But even in his condition he made a request to go for a walk with the family, a short, slow, struggle hardly out of the gate gave Norman confirmation of the situation.  The next day I held him as he passed away and thanked him for everything he had done for me.  He was a rescue dog and the best $120 I ever spent, even in death he taught me something and I thank him again for everything.

Evie says:

01:27pm | 14/01/10

James Hunter, what an interesting point about pets in retirement villages. I have never thought about it before, but I’m sure there are thousands who would want this. I can’t remember ever seeing a pet visiting any of my grandparents or great-grandparents, yet they all would have loved the company.

stephen says:

01:41pm | 14/01/10

Shoot the dog, (but don’t hit the wife,) and take up boxing.

S says:

01:43pm | 14/01/10

In response to a comment from Dr Hughes, we had a very beloved cat euthanised in November; he had renal failure, and had lost half his body weight and stopped eating, despite treatment. Nonetheless, there is a huge part of me that feels like we had him put down too early, that we could have kept treating him and he could have been with us now. I think it’s just as bad to feel pushed into the final step before you’re ready as it is to hold onto your pet past their time.

Kate Southam says:

01:46pm | 14/01/10

Just a point on the pets in retirement villages and nursing homes, I believe it is fairly well accepted that pets and animals are good for our health including for the elderly. My Nan was in a facility in Killara on Sydney’s North Shore and there was a resident dog.

The facility paid a local teen to walk their big Collie/cross but the rest of the time he visited the residents and staff for pats or lay in the garden sleeping.

Also, for employers and colleagues, I think they need to understand that a devoted pet owner will need compassionate leave when their pet passes. I will be useless at work.

Patrice says:

03:00pm | 14/01/10

It’s tough - because you don’t want the guilt of putting down an animal too early - or the guilt of letting your animal suffer for too long.

I wish vets could be more instructive - as in tell me what i should do, or what they would do in my shoes, rather than giving me too many options.

Great blog!

Roger Christie says:

03:03pm | 14/01/10

Interesting piece, Kate – particularly as my step mum is a nurse in ICU at RNS and often speaks about the challenges and denial people go through when it involves a family member who’s essential inanimate that they simply cannot let go. 

While some people may say, ‘It’s just a pet,’ it does not surprise me at all that the decision isn’t so clear cut when it’s been a part of the family for 15-20 years.

linda says:

05:24pm | 14/01/10

oh my gosh this makes me sad.

My cat is 18, and has literally been in my life every single day of it. Like - there has not been one single day in my entire lifespan that hasn’t ended with coming home to her meowing at me to feed her.

She doesn’t have much wrong with her either, but I would rather her die in her sleep and find her later then have to take her to the vet knowing what was gonna happen.

6clegs says:

08:37pm | 14/01/10

Sensitive, and well written piece. Thankyou.

Too often we animal lovers feel we have to hide the emotions, and genuine grief we feel when “that time” comes from work mates/acquaintances, fearing the scorn and inevitable “...but it’s only a dog/cat/horse/?”.

In the past I’ve received amazing support from an (American) horsey board I was a member of - and their support was across the board [pardon the pun], it didn’t matter if someone lost a pet spider, the understanding was the same. That board had a heart and soul that I’ve not seen anywhere else on the net… sorry for going off topic.
The dogs/cats/horses I’ve had over the years have taught me more about life than any adult in my childhood did.

Nathan says:

07:37am | 15/01/10

Great article Kate, well done!  I can not imagine my life without our dog and the huge amounts of companionship and love he gives us everyday.

I think every retirement home should have 2-3 pets in them to keep all the oldies company.  Let’s start a petition / movement.

Mandy Black says:

08:12am | 15/01/10

My dear friend Viv had a cat and a dog that needed to be euthanized to spare them the pain and suffering they were going through, both had severe arthritus and Viv was not able to take them to the vet as she was far to upset to do so, but knew that it had to be done. I offered to take them for her, she was greatly relieved and in fact did. I stayed with both her ginger cat and ridgeback puppy dog until they had gone to sleep as she wanted me too be there for them. I had never done such a task before and although they were not my animals, it was still a difficult thing for me to do, however, I knew that my friend was not able to so felt that I did ease her pain a little aswell. When I arrived back home we had a small wake, a “high tea” to celebrate the wonderful years and great pleasure that both family pets had given to them all. We looked a photos and remembered…

Elle says:

11:32am | 15/01/10

I’ve had dogs and cats all my life and so have said goodbye to more than one. It never gets any easier, but the decision to call it when their suffering reaches a certain point does get clearer. I have also been told the ‘don’t regret leaving it too late’ and thinks that’s spot on. As a good friend said to me: “you need to accept that animals don’t live as long as we do’, so if you are going to have pets this is part of the responsibility.  We have always had two dogs, usually of different ages, and as the younger dog gets used to a canine companion we’ve moved smartly when we’ve lost a dog. It helps both our remaining dog, and us, by having a new companion to learn to love. It doesn’t mean we loved our farewelled friend any less. This whole process is also the most incredibly useful experience for small two legged creatures. They learn lots about nature and life and loving and letting go.

Tim says:

02:05pm | 15/01/10

Kate - Your article and other readers comments of support, their experiences & their kind messages reminds me of my own treasured 4 legged companions I have loved throughout my life. I did finish with a heavy heart & feel very sorry for all the heartache felt by so many. Inevitable as it may be it is never easy - I do not have any answers or advice - my heart goes out to anyone feeling a sense of loss. There are so many experiences being shared here that can only help us all feel that we are not alone & that we do care.
I look at our 2 dogs sitting at my feet - they do bring a smile to my face & one way or another I will take them to my end with all the wonderful people & animals who shared my life. Thank you Kate for your article & my thoughts are with your dear friends. Tim x