How to punch a shark and win the jackpot
Some people get all the luck. Paul Welsh is surfing with his son, gets bitten (sorry, that should read ‘savagely menaced’) by a docile and mostly harmless Wobbegong and out come the cheque books.
Before a stitch is even sewn, he’s been snapped up by a television network and an early morning trip to the beach is now a big earner. Well done mate. If reports on the websites are true, you’ve hit the Shark-pot.
Shame it was only a Wobbegong. Imagine what you’d get for an actual Great White.
The media loves a good shark attack. ‘Deadly Tug of War’ says the headline on News.com.au. It’s a great opportunity to use words like ‘terrifying ordeal’, ‘vicious killer’, ‘savage beast’ and similar adjectives. Along with the story about the ‘horrifying attack’, they can now pull out their favorite Shark Galleries, with 6 metre Great Whites bursting out of the sea in a seal killing frenzy.
Hello! It was a Wobbegong!
Witnesses related their accounts of a life and death struggle. In true ‘chk chk boom’ style, it was clearly a juvenile Great White and it hit him like a freight train! Michael Brown, Surfwatch Australia Director must now feel like a bit of a tool after he said, ‘I saw a bit of the tail, which looked like a Great White’. Hello! You’re supposed to be the director of Surf Watch Australia. You of all people should know the difference between a Great White and a Wobbegong.
In my opinion, Paul Welsh actually made a couple of crucial errors when he hit the Shark-pot.
First of all, he stopped to speak to people. Then he stopped to pose for photos! Are you mad? What do you do on weekends? Drive down the highway throwing $100 notes out the car window?
Now I’m no Jacques Costeau, but when I saw the picture of his wound, (sorry, that should read ‘gruesome laceration) even I knew there was something fishy about the story.
So here’s what to do if you get bitten (sorry, that should read ‘remorselessly shredded’) by a shark. You cover the wound with a towel and get yourself out of sight as quickly as possible. If you’ve got someone to drive you to hospital, good. That leaves you free to call Max Markson. Don’t try to negotiate a deal by yourself. Leave it to the experts. Then, if anyone but Max tries to get into your hospital room, tell them you’re too weak to talk. And no matter what happens, don’t let anyone look at your wound, (sorry, that should read mind-numbingly shocking injury) until you’ve signed the contract and they’re putting on make up for your appearance on Today Tonight.
They say more people get killed by vending machines than get killed by Shark Attack. So if you do get bitten, (sorry that should read ‘hatefully mangled’) make sure you milk it for all it’s worth. Now I’m going surfing…in a wetsuit stuffed with fish guts. Look out for me on ‘A Current Affair’.
Read all about it
Up to the minute Twitter chatter
Found a TV meteorologist on Twitter with the last name Piotrowski. There's a whole newsroom of Piotrowskis out there
The latest and greatest
Good morning Punchers. After four years of excellent fun and great conversation, this is the final post…
I have had some close calls, one that involved what looked to me like an AK47 pointed my way, followed…
In a world in which there are still people who subscribe to the vile notion that certain victims of sexual…