Look, I’m sick of this not-being-famous crap. Enough’s enough. I want my fifteen minutes, and I’m not just talking jail time.
Clearly in the early twenty-first century I don’t have to have an actual skill to become famous - bad news for plate-spinners and cup-stackers everywhere – but I will need to approach my planned getting-of-attention in a systematic way.
I can already moonwalk amazingly well, so that’s done. I figure there’s just a handful of additional steps I need to take.
1. Make a feature of my buttocks and/or vagina.
That old chestnut ‘you’re nobody until you’ve been photographed getting out of a car with your biscuits on display’ has never been truer than today. There are thousands and thousands of starlets out there, but the truly famous ones are those who forget to wear pants. Getting some kind of women’s magazine story with a title like “Buttock Implants – Has She Or Hasn’t She?” would be an amazing bottom-related bonus.
2. Steal stuff.
Time was when celebrities had to be hooked on drugs to get a timeless, natty mug shot in an orange jumpsuit. Not any more – now you just knock off a necklace or a bunch of department store clothing and Bob’s your uncle! Of course, in jail, you might have to refer to Bob as ‘the missus’, because that’s a joke about being someone’s bitch in prison, which just never gets old. Famous people don’t stay in jail for very long anyway, so I won’t even need to bring comfortable shoes. Just a Bible, because fifteen to twenty hours in a cell isn’t much time to temporarily find God. Better get cracking.
3. Design adorable accessories.
Or at the very least, stand next to someone while they’re designing adorable accessories.
4. Have a crappy relationship with an idiot.
This one looks like it’ll be pretty easy. All the guys I’ve gone out with have been incredibly handsome millionaires with big houses filled with diamonds and lobsters, but according to all my friends, having a crappy relationship with an idiot is as easy as falling off a log (into a big pit full of idiots). He should be handsome and maybe good at sport, but serial womanising or a deep-seated resentment of my comparatively stellar fame should feature quite strongly. My broken heart will sell millions of magazines, and my next song will be about it, but you’ll probably be distracted by how fashionable my back-up dancers are. Also, I can’t sing. Not even Tom Waits songs.
5. Be drunk and fall over on the red carpet.
I pretty much just need a red carpet for this one.
6. Go a bit mental.
No amount of actual talent can beat total bat-shit craziness for rocketing oneself to stardom. Whether I dip my crazy ladle in the punch bowl of shaved-headed-umbrella-wielding, or the considerably more offensive bucket of racial vilification mixed with fundamental religious views, that’s my ticket to worldwide notoriety right there. Sanity and calm reasoned thought is for loser nobodies.
7. Stand in front of a wall with writing and logos and stuff on it.
I don’t really know what this is for, but I’ve seen famous people do it. I figure if I can just find the wall and stand in front of it in high heels, the rest will all fall into place.
8. Get really fat or really skinny.
Just having a bit of a tummy won’t cut it, unless you can convince people there’s a baby in there. It has to be bursting-at-the-seams, double-chinned, wearing-a-bikini-anyway, look-how-much-of-this-pie-I-can-fit-in-my-mouth porky fatty boom boom, or so skinny that my ribs look like a condom stretched over a fork. If I can swing from one to the other, all the better – that’s like, eight magazine covers in a year. Nine if I marry a prince or something.
9. Get a cup.
From careful observation, I’ve discovered that celebrities don’t go anywhere without a domed plastic cup full of thingo-cino frappe drink. Famous people are either hyper-hydrated or over-caffeinated or both. They also have really, really prominent collar bones and these amazingly small kneecaps. It’s a bit weird.
10. Learn how to sit in an armchair.
They have those on talk shows.
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