Look, I’m sick of this not-being-famous crap. Enough’s enough. I want my fifteen minutes, and I’m not just talking jail time.

#11 Pash someone more famous than you in public

Clearly in the early twenty-first century I don’t have to have an actual skill to become famous - bad news for plate-spinners and cup-stackers everywhere – but I will need to approach my planned getting-of-attention in a systematic way.

I can already moonwalk amazingly well, so that’s done. I figure there’s just a handful of additional steps I need to take.

1. Make a feature of my buttocks and/or vagina.
That old chestnut ‘you’re nobody until you’ve been photographed getting out of a car with your biscuits on display’ has never been truer than today. There are thousands and thousands of starlets out there, but the truly famous ones are those who forget to wear pants. Getting some kind of women’s magazine story with a title like “Buttock Implants – Has She Or Hasn’t She?” would be an amazing bottom-related bonus.

2. Steal stuff.
Time was when celebrities had to be hooked on drugs to get a timeless, natty mug shot in an orange jumpsuit. Not any more – now you just knock off a necklace or a bunch of department store clothing and Bob’s your uncle! Of course, in jail, you might have to refer to Bob as ‘the missus’, because that’s a joke about being someone’s bitch in prison, which just never gets old. Famous people don’t stay in jail for very long anyway, so I won’t even need to bring comfortable shoes. Just a Bible, because fifteen to twenty hours in a cell isn’t much time to temporarily find God. Better get cracking.

3. Design adorable accessories.
Or at the very least, stand next to someone while they’re designing adorable accessories.

4. Have a crappy relationship with an idiot.
This one looks like it’ll be pretty easy. All the guys I’ve gone out with have been incredibly handsome millionaires with big houses filled with diamonds and lobsters, but according to all my friends, having a crappy relationship with an idiot is as easy as falling off a log (into a big pit full of idiots). He should be handsome and maybe good at sport, but serial womanising or a deep-seated resentment of my comparatively stellar fame should feature quite strongly. My broken heart will sell millions of magazines, and my next song will be about it, but you’ll probably be distracted by how fashionable my back-up dancers are. Also, I can’t sing. Not even Tom Waits songs.

5. Be drunk and fall over on the red carpet.
I pretty much just need a red carpet for this one.

6. Go a bit mental.
No amount of actual talent can beat total bat-shit craziness for rocketing oneself to stardom. Whether I dip my crazy ladle in the punch bowl of shaved-headed-umbrella-wielding, or the considerably more offensive bucket of racial vilification mixed with fundamental religious views, that’s my ticket to worldwide notoriety right there. Sanity and calm reasoned thought is for loser nobodies.

7. Stand in front of a wall with writing and logos and stuff on it.
I don’t really know what this is for, but I’ve seen famous people do it. I figure if I can just find the wall and stand in front of it in high heels, the rest will all fall into place.

8. Get really fat or really skinny.
Just having a bit of a tummy won’t cut it, unless you can convince people there’s a baby in there. It has to be bursting-at-the-seams, double-chinned, wearing-a-bikini-anyway, look-how-much-of-this-pie-I-can-fit-in-my-mouth porky fatty boom boom, or so skinny that my ribs look like a condom stretched over a fork. If I can swing from one to the other, all the better – that’s like, eight magazine covers in a year. Nine if I marry a prince or something.

9.  Get a cup.
From careful observation, I’ve discovered that celebrities don’t go anywhere without a domed plastic cup full of thingo-cino frappe drink. Famous people are either hyper-hydrated or over-caffeinated or both. They also have really, really prominent collar bones and these amazingly small kneecaps. It’s a bit weird.

10. Learn how to sit in an armchair.
They have those on talk shows.

Most commented

19 comments

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    • Tina says:

      06:39am | 04/11/11

      And dont forget to get a twitter account and tell people what youre having for breakfast every day. (But dont tell them that youre hanging over the toilet afterwards to maintain your “condom stretched over fork” look and say that youre naturally a thin person but you eat so much, you couldnt possibly eat anymore.)

    • Mahhrat says:

      07:23am | 04/11/11

      Or, you could stop putting these muppets on the news, Jo.

      Just sayin’

    • JulesG says:

      07:44am | 04/11/11

      So - what do you do if you’re a man? Your article is all about women. A bit lop sided don’t you think

    • marley says:

      08:03am | 04/11/11

      @Jules - I dunno.  Charlie Sheen ticks a lot of those boxes - especially #6.

    • Daniel says:

      03:46pm | 04/11/11

      @Marley - Charlie Sheen was famous before he started ticking the boxes.

    • marley says:

      06:50pm | 04/11/11

      @daniel - ture - but he’s only famous now because he’s ticking the boxes.

    • Jo Thornely says:

      07:58am | 04/11/11

      Oops! I didn’t mean for it to be all about women. I meant for it to be all about me.

    • Shelley says:

      08:15am | 04/11/11

      I don’t want to be famous. I just want to know famous people so I can be invited somewhere with a red carpet and a logo wall. And possibly somewhere I could practise my plate-spinning.

    • centurion48 says:

      08:21am | 04/11/11

      Shouldn’t you be Fake Jo Thornley or is real Jo Thornley using a ghost writer - ‘cause that’s what successful people do even when they can’t string two sentences together but want to tell the world it wasn’t their natural good looks or daddy’s money but the hours and hours of hard work that brought success and fame.

    • Colleen A says:

      08:25am | 04/11/11

      Don’t forget the sex tape. A ‘celebrity’ is nobody without that mysteriously leaked sex tape

    • Direct says:

      09:09am | 04/11/11

      Spot on. That was my first thought when I read the article “Where’s the sex tape?”

    • TheBigMicka says:

      08:51am | 04/11/11

      11.  have psycho parents who push push push from a young age, invite cameras into your house 24 hours a day and micro-manage your ‘career’ whilst also managing their own relationship breakdowns and drug and alcohol binges.

    • Cherry Gripe says:

      09:00am | 04/11/11

      Ha! Jo, you crack me up smile

    • Zeta says:

      10:36am | 04/11/11

      According to this list, I should be ridiculously famous:

      1. I have a tattoo on my arse and I’m not afraid to show it.

      2. I’m constantly shop lifting from K-Mart, because I believe shoplifting should be punishable by the death penalty, because it’s so easy, if you’re ever caught you’re not smart enough to live.

      3. I had my own line of ‘911 WAS AN INSIDE JOB’ t-shirts on cafepress.com until they were taken down. By the Man.

      4. I am the idiot women have crappy relationships with.

      5. I got drunk once in Canberra and woke up in the Senate chambers with a very uncomfortable looking Bill Hefernan. I don’t know if he was already sleeping there, or if something happened between us, all I know is ever since, late at night, someone keeps calling my phone, breathing heavily, and hanging up.

      6. See all of the above, also, every post I’ve ever made on the Punch.

      7. That’s easy, I could do that right now.

      8. I’m already really fat.

      9. I have a cup, but I think there might be acid in it.

      10. This is my only problem, as I’ve never been comfortable in chairs. I’m more a bed / standing kind of guy, no in between.

      Also, there is at least one sex tape of me in circulation, albeit amongst collectors of weird, outsider art, and I had a cameo in Superman Returns as a foot. That was my foot in Martin Place! That’s more time in a Holywood movie than Kim Kardashian has ever had.

    • marley says:

      10:40am | 04/11/11

      #12.  Attack a photographer for daring to take photos of you without a prearranged deal.

    • S.L says:

      10:45am | 04/11/11

      I can see where all this is heading.
      To be a celebrated nobody you still have to be “in the right place at the right time!” be willing to air your dirty laundry in public and name names!
      I recently auditioned for Millionaire Hot Seat and while I passed the knowledge test with flying colours it’s the “are you interesting?” test that sorts the successful wanabe’s from the rest. On the application form there are questions like “do you know someone famous?” or “have you achieved anything significant?”.
      Now I do know a couple of people in the public eye and grew up in the same neighbourhood as an (now) international star but was I going to drop these names so Eddy could blab about it on TV? Not on your life! But what some people there were saying to impress the producers (if it wasn’t B/S) was downright embarassing!
      I think I’ll enjoy my anonymity!!!!!!!

    • Happy Birthday Tony Abbott says:

      11:51am | 04/11/11

      Everyone is happy that you told all readers how to be famous on November 4 2011! You are just in time for a famous person’s birthday party.
      Today November 4 is Tony Abbott’s birthday Its a Mass Media Public Holiday
      Happy Birthday Tony Abbott from all your friends and all your admirers at Labor !

    • Wilma J Craig says:

      01:23pm | 04/11/11

      Why would anyone with any sort of intelligence want to join all those brain-dead men & women who will do anything to be called ” A Celebrity”? Now I don’t subscribe to Twitter so I don’t know what sort of rubbish is in there but the name alone is enough to put sensible people off, isn’t it? I believe Facebook is little different, yes, I have an account but there is nothing in there & cerainly nothing about what cereal I eat, which loo paper Ibuy & how many sheets I use. We simply use it to get urgent messages quickly to others.
      Just what has that Cardaschund person ever actually done? Why does the media waste time on this sort of trash? There are so many good things being done by so many people who get no recognition whatsoever, there, though reading the media you would not think so, so many good things going on which get no mention. All they can do is write biblical-length articles on people who have done nothing, contributed nothing nor created anything of value or worth. The vast majority, including those from Australia, are totally irrelevant. In fact, if I was a violent type I would hand them all to Uncle Adolf & let him exterminate the whole bloody lot.

    • ryder says:

      01:47pm | 05/11/11

      Spot on Jo
      The most accurate and laconic description of what has been coming out of Hollywood for years..

 

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