How to be a good parent at 100 miles an hour

Sue says:

08:49am | 03/09/10

Great article, and something we as parents are never sure about, we try to do what is best for our children all the time, I think as long as you are a good role model and you give your children the love and support that they need, when they need it you have to be making a difference to their lives and helping them choose to be better adults. Its not an easy job, especially when you do have a full time career, but we do our best.

Bunnings Hater says:

10:39am | 03/09/10

Wish I had stuck to dogs - much more rewarding and easier on the bank balance

fairsfair says:

11:02am | 03/09/10

I am sure that man (and 99.9% of all parents) loves both of his kids equally. As someone who does not have kids, but it within a family with one sibling who does get all the attention - it is not a matter of feeling as though you are not loved the same amount. It is more of an anger that starts being directed at the sibling “how could you do this to mum and dad time and time again” but as time goes on, the anger shifts to the parents. How can they put up with this? They raised more than one child and they have one that just does not really function quite right - yet their attempts to “help” just perpetuate the problem. It is not that I don’t think they’d do it for me - it is that I’d never have the gall to ask or assume I was entitled to it. I guess then it shifts to resentment - of all, particularly when the parents vent about the other child to you. It is here that the problems start and I think I am just getting to that stage.

This article has made me think and I thank you for that. I hope I can successfully change my attitude toward all of this before I do something I regret. But in saying that I do think, here we go again - I’ll shut my mouth and ignore the problem just to keep the peace once more - and that is the major bone of contention in the first place. Not sure if I’ll be successful Irrespective of what the other child does from here on in - I guess I can’t blame my parents. They do have accountability though and I might send them a copy of this!!

The fact of the matter is, my parents will find out in their old age which child they can rely on and which child will help them when they need it most. It is sad that they don’t quite grasp it at this time in their life. I won’t watch my brother’s children do it to him - because he has taken that same sense of entitlement with him into adulthood, has landed himself a rich wife and would never allow anyone to treat him with such disrespect. You would think that this would make the end of my parents worries, but now he holds them ransom to their grandchild.

Essentially, what I am trying to say is - that it is just as much on the kids as the parents. Don’t beat yourselves up parents if you make mistakes, in adulthood there is a good chance your other kids will see the situation for what it really is.

Gloria Gale says:

01:06pm | 03/09/10

Unfortunately when you have kids you are not provided with a ‘How To” Manual.  We know we made mistakes but fortunately not major ones… and anybody who thinks they haven’t should get a reality check.  Having said that, we must have done something right as all three of our kids have grown into strong, reliable and honest adults with a wonderful sense of committment to family, and a successful work/life balance and are all in long lasting relationships and all have children of their own, and they are very close to each other as well as to us, their parents.
As parents we can only do the best we can, try to do the right thing and hope that with the right amount of love and support they will turn out OK.  Parents should not beat themselves up too much if the kids go off the rails in spite of a good and loving upbringing, as especially these days there are so many outside influences which can send them off on another, not so desirable path.
Thank you Damien Leith, for a thought provoking, honest and once again, well written article.

dw says:

01:26pm | 03/09/10

If you want assessment on your parenting - ask for it. even small children are capable of giving feedback. Because kids are living in the moment, it just doesn’t occur to them to offer feedback and few parents ask about it. Chance are their responses will be brief - but straight to the heart of the matter.

I am pretty sure that i have learned more from my kids than they have from me. I love getting out of their way and experiencing them just being themselves.

Photo Caption says:

01:49pm | 03/09/10

Re: the photo caption, pretty sure Damien’s sons are called Jarvis and Jagger, not Jasper and Jagger…

Cheryl Gower says:

02:43pm | 03/09/10

Its hard being a parent. My daughter who is 4 years older than my son always say to me that i favor my son but for the first four years of her life i did exactly the same for her.She has been my challenge child but i love them equally and thats all i can do as a parent. Hopefully one day she might see that.

Gwyneth Dufton says:

02:53pm | 03/09/10

a sensitive and beautifully written article Damien, I always felt that I lived in my sisters shadow, I have only been blessed with one child and her Father passed away some years back; so I feel I need to strive even more to give her a sense of love, security and well being; even now in her aldulthood, you are so right, they are still your child and one has a natural instinct to want to protect and provide for them.
You’ll always be a great Dad to your boys, you do everything with a 110% approach, I can see the close bond you have with them in this picture.
Happy Fathers Day.
Love,
Gwyneth

Anjuli says:

04:14pm | 03/09/10

Have you noticed the ones who like to give advice are the ones without children,telling mothers what they would do if a child is still not toilet trained properly or not peddling his bike by the age of 3 his speech is there but not as good as his sister ‘s was at this age .This has happened to me the grandparent of my daughter’s son who completely different to his sister . Daniel was assessed by a consultant just yesterday and was told that by the parameters of 50 years he is still within the guide lines although speech therapy would be of benefit. The first person he was taken to had him as low grade autism, but this has since been discounted . He is a happy intelligent little boy who will no doubt have a lot to say when he grows up, people just expect all the children to be grown up before they are children theses days.

Ellen Bach says:

09:09pm | 03/09/10

The parent thing is likely gender orientated, is mother and father two or one,probably pol. incorrect but at times they are one and times they are two,all you can do is do what you do, and do it well.

notSue says:

11:43pm | 03/09/10

Loving equally is easy, Damien. “Equal time”, as my three daughters insisted upon wasn’t so easily achieved, however, unless a conscious and concerted effort was maintained.  Not always easy, but doable.
I’m reminded of the Bible story of The Prodigal Son when reading your article. I’m not a practicing christian,  but that story is an example to all of us of the unboundedness of a parent’s love for a child and the lengths we will go to to ensure that the most troubled of our children is returned to the love and care of his family. it is so perfectly ilustrative of our joy when that occurs. It’s only natural that we expend more energy focussing on the lost lamb than the contented ones. As long as the contented and grounded ones know that our love is unswerving, they can perhaps forgive our pre-occuparion with their troubled siblings. Make sure they know that their placid nature is not taken for granted and they’ll get it when they grow up, believe me.
Your care and concern for both your boys is evident. One may have more difficulty in life than the other, but they will always know that Dad loved them both hugely as long as you continue to show it, which I’m sure you will.

Amanda says:

04:29pm | 04/09/10

My youngest child was a very sick baby for a very long time. It worried me greatly that all my attention went to him, and I couldn’t give my other 4 young childen the time I wanted to give them. A doctor reasurred me that somehow, someway parents in that situation do manage to give fairly equal time to all the children, but we don’t realize that we do manage. A child psychologist, at the time, also reasurred me that my children would know instinctively how much I loved each and every one of them no matter how much I felt like I was neglecting them. My children are all adults now and both the doctor and psychologist were 100% right. Thanks for reminding me of their kind words of all those years ago.

Suzanne says:

05:27pm | 04/09/10

I think you must be a fantastic dad Damien, your little boys always look so happy.

Shane From Melbourne says:

07:32pm | 05/09/10

The only thing special about human parenting is that it takes approximately 15-16 years to nuture the offspring. Otherwise there is little difference between the 4 Billion or so (human) parents on the planet…..