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Filed under: Lists, Marriage, Men And Women, Weddings

16 comments

I’ve just accepted my first ever invitation to be a bridesmaid for some very good friends.

It's thirsty work being a bride. Picture: AAP.

Being a fairly low-key and relaxed kind of couple I’m not concerned about any freak outs or “Bridezilla” moments. Nor, knowing my friend’s simple and elegant tastes do I expect to find myself locked into a series of Saturday morning shopping trips to look at ghastly creations made from taffeta.

But I am wondering - in light of all the things I know my friend doesn’t want at her wedding – what exactly does a bridesmaid to the off-beat bride do? And what types of behaviours should be avoided at all costs?

Helping the bride plan the wedding is ranked number three on the list of “Bridesmaid Duties” according to Elegala, an online wedding etiquette website.

But simply type the word “wedding” into Google and you can expect to be bowled over with advice (63,800,000 pages on my last count) and creative ideas for every conceivable kind of wedding. And, from what I can see some pretty good examples of things tried, tested and best avoided.

There’s everything from the “classic” as so aptly depicted above to the (very) bare minimum as illustrated in the wedding below:

Save time and money, go nude. Picture: Ben Swinnerton.

Or you can opt for a “creative” wedding. And from what I understand after reading a couple of the articles this is also just another way of saying “GFC inspired” or weddings that adpot a depression-era approach to cost cutting Right down to the very last detail. See below for a highly creative example.

Good taste? A cake dress. Picture: AAP.

A quick survey amongst friends who’ve already tripped down the aisle in the role of bridesmaid gleaned some very sound advice.

Here’s their top five suggestions, but what do you think, have I missed anything? Add your tips below.

Things best avoided in the role as bridesmaid include:

1. No impromptu speech making
2. No impromptu singing
3. It’s not about you. So don’t wear white or make any obvious attempt to look better than the bride
4. Don’t get drunk before the ceremony
5. Don’t pash the groom. And if you have in the past, don’t mention it at the wedding to anyone (especially in case of #1)

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16 comments

Show oldest | newest first

- Burntbride says:
  
  10:51am | 28/05/11
  
  Things a bridesmaid should never EVER do:
  
  -Don’t suggest that the bridesmaid dresses could be white… not even if one of the colours is white. That colour is usually taken care of. (Especially if you were given the freedom to choose your own dress… and budget.)
  
  -Don’t go behind the bride’s back to another bridesmaid to ask what the bride might think about something…anything. Ask the bride. Don’t act like you’re 5 and cause needless drama with she-said/she-said crap.
  
  -Don’t leave it to the bride to teach you how to be a bridesmaid. The bride is usually busy learning how to be a bride… try that lovely thing called the “Internet”. Do your own research - you’re a big girl/boy.
  
  -If the bride gives you a list of ideas/interests concerning what she would like, or not like, for her bachelorette/stagette party, and has outlined logistics like # of people, and if dinner is needed… (especially if YOU asked for this list) DO NOT pout because you wanted things on the “do not want” list and then created things to suit your interests. Whose wedding is it again?!
  
  -If the bride does not have kids, and you do… do not suggest a mommy/baby playdate for the stagette/bachelorette party… and do NOT suggest that the bride should tell her friends to bring their kids (as if they don’t need a night off from children!). The bridal shower is child-friendly, not the stagette. (And do not give the bride the excuse that you can’t find a babysitter in a 4-month time window… especially when you have family babysitting every week. How dumb do you think the bride is?!) Your kids may be YOUR life, and YOUR priority, but they are not everyone else’s.
  
  -Do not stay in the bridal party if you know you cannot fulfill the role of bridesmaid. A good friend (aka the bride) will respect if her friend is struggling with any aspect - money, personal stuff, jealousy - anything! The bride would rather her friend be honest, so she can try to help. A friend will respect a bridesmaid who asks to step down rather than irately removing one.
  
  -Do not forget to think about if the tables were turned. If it was your wedding how would you feel if you had to deal with someone’s jealous attempts to bash your big day? Or if they acted self-servingly? Or pouted and put a black mark on any aspect of it? Think about what you are about to say/do before you open your mouth or do something without thinking.
  
  -Do not forget that it is an honour to be asked to be a bridesmaid. Out of everyone close to the bride and/or the groom… she asked YOU. It is as much an honour that you say you’ll be the go-to person to the bride as it should be in your eyes to recognize that she chose you for a deeply intimate reason. If you don’t realize this, then you shouldn’t have been asked in the first place - do the honourable thing and step down for someone more deserving.
  
  And there’s so many more things to suggest…
  
  Reply
- Ex-bartender says:
  
  10:14pm | 20/02/10
  
  One more word of advice to bridemaids; stick around until the very end.
  
  I was a bartender in a Gold Coast hotel many,many years ago in a five star hotel and had to attend to a bride who had been abandoned by her bridemaids. She had approached the bar and asked the barman for “....a female, please.” I was duly dispatched with no pre-brief. I assuaged the situation as “oh.. girl stuff. She needs a tampon? hand-cream? councel?”
  
  I was wrong on all counts.
  
  I unwittingly followed her to the ladies’ loo and quickly was ensconsed with a TOTAL STRANGER in a cubicle. Poor bride needed assistance with her voluminous skirts while she conducted her ablutions. Through the awkward silence—punctuated only by a telltale trickling sound—I was praying “please do not let it be number twos…please do not let it be number twos….” What was I gonna talk about? The last election? Her favouite drink? Honeymoon destination?
  
  There are NO ettiquette guidelines on “How to Behave While in a Tiny Space with a Total Stranger While You Help Them Pee”. Please future bridemaids; spare a thought for the hapless bartender because next time, it just might be not just number ones.
  
  (and yes, I washed my hands before I went back to serving drinks)
  
  Reply
- Jane says:
  
  09:17pm | 20/02/10
  
  if you do make a speech (and why not!) if it’s not super-obvious or already widely known, mention your connection to the bride - whether you met at Uni, or are third cousins or whatever.
  
  The other guests will welcome the insight, just knowing how you ‘fit’ into the picture.
  
  Reply
- Samantha says:
  
  03:59pm | 20/02/10
  
  Make sure the bride eats something while you are geting ready. She will most likely be full of nervous excitement and not feel like eating much, but it’s a long day and if she doesn’t eat beforehand that glass of champers while the photos are being taken is going to go straight to her head. Having the bride pass out on you is not cool.
  
  Reply
- Julia says:
  
  02:51pm | 19/02/10
  
  Don’t agree with the bride’s mother or the groom’s mother for that matter. Just smile beatifically and remember that you had to make a phone call.
  
  Reply
- Jenni says:
  
  12:09pm | 19/02/10
  
  The one time I was bridesmaid I had a rather unconventional duty to perform - being the only person there who had ever met any of the bride’s family (who se was completely estranged from) I had to be on the lookout to ensure none of them turned up and tried to ruin her big day. Thankfully none of them did, and the day went off without a hitch.
  
  Reply
- Ian Matthews says:
  
  10:27am | 19/02/10
  
  You and the bride have a talk to Tory and her “friends”. Once that’s done the bride will decide it’s all too bloody hard and call the whole thing off.
  
  Reply
- jem says:
  
  10:02am | 19/02/10
  
  Right. thanks for this. Very helpful. My bridesmaid duties commence a week from this Saturday. I fully intend to make a speech and dance with all the groomsmen but will try to ensure there is some kind of forward planning involved (at least as far as the speech is involved - dancing is best when it’s impromptu surely). there is no way i could look better than the bride on her big day despite the fact I’ll be wearing a gorgeous dress. It’s her day and she’s going to rock it. If mild drunkeness is required to get my bride down the aisle without hyperventilating then so be it. I’ll join her for that shot of tequila if that’s how she wants to do it. I’m definitely not going to lecture her and it’s rude to let her drink alone. Now, the groom… he’s pretty saucy. what constitutes a pash exactly?
  
  Reply
Lucy Kippist says:

10:32am | 19/02/10

Sounds like you’ve got the whole “fun” bridesmaid thing sorted out Jem. You’ll be great. As for a pash, well… keep it to the cheek I reckon
- Realist says:
  
  09:22am | 19/02/10
  
  Actually make a speech! (Our bridesmaid refused to!)
  Don’t get drunk before the speech.
  Write the speech down and keep it in a safe place, stick to the script, maybe use a projector or music to make it special.
  Don’t worry about wearing a bad dress, bridesmaids seem to exist to either complement or not undermine the brides appearance. I have seen some beautiful girls dressed in the most awful bridesmaid dresses to keep the focus on the (maybe) not so good looking bride.
  Don’t let the bride drink too much before the ceremony, the groom will probably blame you for it.
  
  Have fun!!
  
  Reply
- stephen says:
  
  09:11am | 19/02/10
  
  Don’t adjust the back of her dress. (Bridesmaids always seem to do this, and the grooms thinkin’ (“dont worry, I’ll fix it meself later on “)
  
  Reply
- Marina Go says:
  
  08:48am | 19/02/10
  
  Ok first thing to do is head straight to theknot.com.au and find out all you’ll ever need to know about being a bridesmaid (couldn’t help myself, I am the publisher of this wonderful best-in-class site). If you go into this knowing that your friend will transform into an ego-maniac for a day, then you’ll be able to get through it friendship intact. It’s about managing your expectations.
  
  Reply
- Mrs.P says:
  
  08:45am | 19/02/10
  
  Don’t dare mention money and how much its costing you, the bridesmaid…no matter what the bridesmaid spends the bride will spend at least quadruple! One of my bridesmaids had the nerve to complain about money, too bad she was the one that insisted on the $400 dresses (that the other two girls didn’t want, I didn’t really care!) and $180 flower girl dress for her daughter and then didn’t even give me half the money for it as she said she would.
  
  Reply
GC says:

10:34am | 21/02/10

Hmm. I thought you were supposed to choose people you like to be your bridesmaid
- Jamers Hunter says:
  
  08:42am | 19/02/10
  
  arrange to bonk the groom at his bucks night
  then you have something to make the speach about
  
  Reply
- Liz says:
  
  07:38am | 19/02/10
  
  Don’t get drunk after the ceremony either..never a good look.Smooth her way and make sure she has everything she needs including a good groom and hope you don’t live to regret your acceptance of the invitation.
  
  Reply