How many root points will you score on Valentines Day?
As someone who has never been proposed to, but been married twice, I have never received or been given a St Valentine’s Day gift.
Clearly blokes have found other ways of communicating with me. Does it bother me? No. I dispensed with the pretence of caring a long time ago.
Valentine’s Day is for women who like pink, have a teddy collection on their bed, fluffy slippers, and speak, [read ‘whine’] with little girl voices well past puberty.
I’ve heard them, seen their bedrooms with pictures of fairies on the wall, their fluffy slippers. I’ve seen them tip their heads on one side and widen their eyes when they want something.
One man told me that Valentine’s Day is one of the few days of the year a man can buy flowers without his partner becoming suspicious.
For the cheaters and serial rooters, Valentine’s day cards are a pathetic, transparent attempt at a placative diversionary device. An annual cheap trick.
They breathe a sigh of relief when V day arrives. Cards provide a mechanism to reassure a long-suffering partner.
‘Root points’ one man once explained to me. “It’s all about ‘root points’…don’t you get it?”
No. I do not ‘get it’.
He rolled his eyes, patiently explaining that some women will not ‘put out’ if you have not reached your root point target.
Mow the lawn: 10 points. Put out the garbage: 10 points. Help little Jimmy/Jane with homework: 25 points.
And on days like Valentine’s Day, remind them of just how much you really love them: A whopping 50 points!
But wait, that’s only 95 points I say.
You really don’t get it do you ?
“No man can ever get 100 points, a woman will always hold something in reserve, we can never ever really win’.
Just look at some of the cards now on display at a rack near you. One carries the definition of ‘Wife’:
“The woman who makes your knees weak, your heart spin and your heart race.”
Time to call 000.
Card rhymes verge on the idiotic. There’s a wet, drought-ending clause in one:
“I’m a fool for your affection,
I go nutty when we touch,
I’m pretty sure it’s all because,
I love you so dam much”
...or shades of bunny boiling fatal attraction:
“You are all I ever dreamed of,
You knocked me off my feet,
Our love means everything to me,
You made my life complete.
From the moment I saw you,
I knew that you’d be mine,
We were meant to be together,
My gorgeous Valentine.”
The last line should read:
‘Don’t ever leave me, I’m your clingy borderline’
So when does the love stop and the stalking start?
Valentine’s Day isn’t a day for expressing love. It’s an excuse to play on all those human frailties and anxieties. “Will he say he loves me?” “Will he send a card”? “What if he doesn’t”?
Instead, you should be asking: “What if he does”. If your man can’t express his affection every day, in so many different ways, pray to St Valentine that you don’t receive a card this Sunday.
Chances are it will mean the romance isn’t starting.
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