Holiday resorts: NOT the place for kids! There, I said it
I don’t hate children.
Yes, actually I do, when I’m trying to chill out at an expensive, exclusive resort or equally expensive and exclusive hotel. “Hate” is slightly harsh, maybe “vehemently dislike”.
When I’m relaxing by the beach or pool on holiday at a sublime, tropical idyll, is it wrong to be searching my phone for the number of The Pied Piper to lead little (“MUMEEEE DADEEEE WATCH ME!!, WATCH MEEEEEEEE!!”) screaming Trevor into very deep, rip-infused water?
In fairness, it is not the kid’s fault, the blame should be laid firmly at the rapidly sunburning feet of the parents.
Most kids have the attentive span of a gnat with ADD and become bored quite easily, unless they’re constantly entertained and catered for. What gets me are these selfish parents who take kids to resorts that are quite obviously “couples retreats” and then proceed to retreat from being a parent.
Bored / ignored kid = pissed off other guests. Hate to break it to you mum and dad, but things do change when you become a parent, you may not think it is très cool to be staying at a resort boasting “Kaptain Krokodile Kidz Clubz” but that is the life you created - literally.
What also gets me are intimate, boutique resorts, or the “funky” hotels with bars that turn into nightclubs, which say, “we don’t cater for or encourage children”. They may not have the Kidz Klubz, but they often have kids’ menus, kids’ pool toys, happily provide foldup beds, high chairs etc.
Come on, show some intestinal fortitude and simply ban kids. It’s not like your food and beverage profit will take a major hit. How many fish fingers and babyccinos can little Trevor consume? The positive PR you will generate from your real target market will be worth its weight in mini-burgers.
There are an increasing number of “child-free” resorts around the world, even websites nobly dedicated to listing them, though I find it surprising there are not more adults only destinations.
I’m not talking about those resorts where you get hit on by sagging, amorous, 75-year-old nudists - not that there’s anything wrong with sagging, being 75, amorous, or a nudist, I just find that quadrella somewhat disconcerting.
Interestingly, when I embarked on painstaking, exhaustive research - i.e. Googled “child free resorts”, number four trumpets how “kids stay, eat and play free”. Oh, the humanity.
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