When Oprah runs the world, we’ll all get free Audis!
Did someone say “Oprah”? No? Are you sure? I could’ve sworn I heard someone say “Oprah”.
Over the past few weeks the Talk Show Queen’s name has been noticeably absent from the nation’s media – which probably has something to do with the fact we were quite preoccupied with devastating floods, rampaging cyclones and horrific fires.
Those Oprah-filled days seem so far away now – almost dream-like.
Here was a megastar trudging around our shores, doing quintessentially Australian things like eating tacos in Melbourne and Curtis Stone snags on Whitehaven Beach.
Thousands of “We Heart You Oprah!” signs choked waterways and industrial skips, tourism chiefs considered constructing a giant underground vault in preparation for the $76,540 billion worth of promised tourism revenue, and Julia Gillard began commissioning an enormous Sistine Chapel-esque portrait of herself and Oprah for the Lodge.
Paul Hogan was practicing his best Aussie smile in the mirror and Hugh Jackman was pumping iron while reading Eat, Pray, Love.
Yep, those were the days.
There’s no doubt that we will continue to analyse her brief stay and intermittently comb international arrivals figures to see if Her Holiness really made a monetary impact.
One thing, however, is already quite clear: People heart Oprah. Big time.
She’s been consistently named as one of the most influential people in the planet and has an international following who would unflinchingly cut off their index fingers if she told them they caused irritable bowel syndrome.
It’s been suggested, on several occasions, that the world’s favourite pauper-to-princess story might one day be President. Weirder things have happened (Google “Sarah Palin”).
So with Oprah on the cusp of world domination, I thought it best to consult my crystal ball (courtesy of Swarovski, RRP $4999) and find out what our future has in store:
- UN meetings will get a whole lot louder. “It’s CHINA!”
- Oprah’s book club will involve her fawning over a hastily stapled-together bunch of White House press releases. “The chapter on the new McDonalds ribbon-cutting in Pennsylvania brought me to tears. It just reminded me of everything I’ve been through and where I’ve come from and where I am now. I’ve really triumphed over adversity and… wait… what were we talking about again?”
- Hugh Jackman and Keith Urban will be appointed diplomatic representatives of Australia.
- The White House will be re-christened the “Rainbow House”, after briefly being called “Oprah’s in the House”.
- Stedman will be allowed outside of his room for five, eight-minute intervals each day, instead of his current allowance of “never”.
- She will decry corporate greed and the relentless pursuit of consumerism, but first look under your seats because you’re all taking home a new AUDI!!!
- President Oprah, having been told by Bono that the world is slowly choking, will promise to reduce America’s carbon footprint… starting by growing bonsai in her fleet of private jets to offset emissions. Stedman will also be ordered to consume 25% less oxygen.
- Tom Cruise will be appointed Attorney-General because he was in that movie with Jack Nicholson. Also, he looks good in a suit.
- The big “O” will send a man to Mars. This lucky fellow will collect scientific samples that will be studied by NASA’s top minds to determine, once and for all, whether Mars should be one of this year’s Favourite Things.
- The USA will be renamed “General Motors and Julia Roberts Present the United States of Tara”. The Sydney Opera House will also undergo a name-change, becoming “The Sydney almost-Oprah House”. It will then be painted pink… or green… depending on what the Feng Shui consultant says.
- Caps-lock will be mandatory for all printed material because “if something’s worth talking about, sweetheart, it’s worth SHOUTING ABOUT!”
- Exclamation marks will be used more in academic writing.
- All aircraft will be piloted by an exact genetic replica of John Travolta.
- The State of the Union address will be a bizarre blend of endorsements for fad diets and a silent mime depicting Leonardo DiCaprio’s life story as performed by the cast of Ugly Betty.
- Dr Phil will be tasked with tackling the tricky issue of North Korea. Who knew Kim Jong-il had low self-esteem and “anger issues” because his dad once compared his rather average looks to those of Joey from Friends. Yay Phil!
- Star Spangled Banner will be replaced by a “medley of Glee hits”.
- Ellen DeGeneres will be sent on a mission to Jupiter, only to mysteriously disappear and never be seen again.
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