Hit or miss? DIY royal wedding guest list
Every time there’s a party, there is someone who misses out.
As the attending list on the cruelly public Facebook event grows, so too does their rage.
The host, they decide, is either jealous, rude, or trying to sleep with their partner/sister/all of the above. The truth, however, is that quite often the poor, uninvited soul simply doesn’t bring anything to the table. They’re boring, lame, and have a tendency to break furniture and cry after two beers and a packet of Pringles.
The pukefest commonly known as Kate and Wills’ wedding has already triggered its fair share of manicured foot-stamping and cries of “But The Sun said we were friends”.
A common complaint has been that Buckingham Palace’s resident ancient Sorting Hat, Elizabeth II, has overlooked former PMs Tony Blair and Gordon Brown.
This, however, is easily explained. Gordon Brown wasn’t invited because he is one of the top five blandest people ever born (the Kardashians make up the other four places).
The man is to awesome party guests what gruel is to porridge.
Tony Blair’s invitation, on the other hand, reportedly accidentally went to Michael Sheen.
With careful planning and strict attention to detail, the royal wedding has the potential to be a timelessly elegant event worthy of eternal reproduction on $2.20 tea towels.
But that would be just a little bit crap.
Everybody knows that perfect weddings impress only two types of people – brides and those rare friends of brides who don’t want to see the whole event implode in a smoking pile of tears and fists.
The rest of us – including Prince Harry – want a Cirque du Soleil of ruined dresses, best man-punching and inappropriate sexual tension.
In order to transform Westminster Abbey into a cauldron of awesomeness, the monarchy must focus their efforts on creating a guest list that only includes cool people and/or celebrities going through entertaining breakdowns.
Kanye West, for instance, would make an excellent best man and would deliver the first wedding toast in history that fails to mention anyone but Kanye West, while making several vague references to sarcophagi.
Similarly, Charlie Sheen should also be invited. After all, that wedding cake isn’t going to vomit on itself.
Also, while not he’s not everyone’s cup of tea, Mel Gibson would perfectly play the role of the drunk, hideously inappropriate uncle who destroys entire conversations with 1930s-style racist statements and blatant misogyny.
It’s important, however, that we don’t stray too far from tradition.
Every modern couple has an obligation to contribute to the ruining of You Tube with a video of their awkward, Glee-inspired bridal waltz.
It’s all jazz hands and cartwheels these days, so who better to choreograph the royal two-step than Lady Gaga.
Kate could emerge from a giant fibreglass statue of a giant, tentacled corgi as William drinks orange juice and draws pentagrams while dressed as a cornflake.
NBA superstar and enormous human being Shaquille O’Neal would also make a fine guest.
Shaq could prove, once and for all, that athletic prowess, not fate, determines who catches an overpriced bunch of flowers and who gets a size 22 foot in the face.
Monarchists would argue that this would help the royal family remain relevant in 2011.
At the very least, it’ll all make for a pretty cool tea towel.
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