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Having babies is a choice and a sacrifice

Angela Mollard

by Angela Mollard

15 May 05:55am

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Filed under: Babies, Children, Families, Parenting, Society, Women

77 comments

Before we had children, my husband and I had dual careers. We both jumped on planes at a moment’s notice, saw each other when we could and, in rare, quiet times, pinched ourselves because we had jobs we loved.

My solution is bringing bubba out on the job. Pic: AP

Then I became pregnant. My husband bought baby clothes. Lots of them. Being the literary tragic I am, I daydreamed about a daughter with a Shakespearean name: Cordelia, Ophelia, Perdita. As if.

What we didn’t think about, because neither of us are planners, was how we’d share looking after said baby. I was determined to be a mother, first and foremost, but I was also young, freelancing and the first of my friends to have a baby. Wouldn’t it just fit in?

Thanks to that cavalier attitude, we got a screamer – she could have recorded sound effects for horror films. “Some children are just born highly strung,” said our helpful GP.

Much as he wanted to lend a hand, my husband had to work. He’s a photographer. Wars, tsunamis and celebrities don’t rock up to your front door; you have to go to them. So he did, leaving me – the one with breasts – to soothe and feed our daughter.

Late one night, while he was away, an editor from London rang to ask if I could go to Thailand for a story on the mistreatment of elephants.

“When?” I asked.

“Tomorrow.”

That night, I wrote an angry, self-pitying letter to my husband. But, really, it was a letter to myself. I felt small, diminished, as if I was the only one making a sacrifice. I loved our baby, but in gaining her, I’d lost a part of me.

For many women, the shift from career girl to mother isn’t easy. Some choose to give up work; others have to because the demands of their partner’s job make it impossible. That’s why I don’t give a monkey’s about Karl Stefanovic complimenting his wife’s arse at the Logies (who wouldn’t want their bum admired after three kids?); it’s what he said after winning the Gold that really matters.

“I’d like to thank my wife, first and foremost,” he said. “She had a promising career of her own with the ABC and she gave up everything for me… and to raise our three kids.”

Sometimes that acknowledgement is all we need; a few words that say “you are valuable in my eyes”.

There’s no such thing as a non-working mum but, nevertheless, most women I know who no longer do paid work still wrestle with that decision. “I feel like my entire self-worth would fit into my son’s lunch box,” my friend Jess told me. Another, attending her husband’s work events, tells his colleagues she’s a “domestic services manager for a small company”.

While most men understand and support this transition, some don’t (just as some women fail to recognise the responsibility many men feel to provide for their family).

“What did you think would happen when you had a baby?” a friend’s husband queried recently. That’s the thing. You don’t know. I remember a pregnant Catriona Rowntree gaily telling me that she’d take her baby on some Getaway trips. Months later, I read that she’d had to abandon an assignment to drive her flu-ridden son home.

Procreation may be the most primordial thing we do, but we now have a plethora of choices as to how we raise our kids. And choice, by its very nature, means we say no to something. Acknowledging that is one of the kindest things we can do for those we love.

Catch Angela Mollard on Weekend Today, Sundays at 7am on the Nine Network.

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77 comments

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    • Gladys says:

      07:29am | 15/05/11

      The one thing I was determined not to have when I had a baby was regrets. So I waited until the very right man came along, and we had our baby. No regrets in partner choice.

      I gave up work, I’d been hating it for a little while anyway. There were moments of brilliance in it, but on the whole I was sick of office politics. To manage just one personality rather than 20 or 30 would be a luxury.

      But you’re right. Sometimes I feel my self-worth is in the nappy bin. On the other hand, my child is healthy, happy and the floors sparkle each week when I’ve put the pledge over them. I have to take a bit of joy from things childless people don’t understand. And that’s ok too.

      So I can live with those moments of existential angst.

      Reply

    • Kika says:

      04:37pm | 16/05/11

      Oh I understand, and I would LOVE to be in your position!! There’s nothing in the world I would love more than to be a stay at home Mum and Wife… !!

    • Lisa H. says:

      11:58pm | 16/05/11

      you say that Kika… and after you have the baby, I guarantee there will be moments when you wonder why we as a country even bother to educate girls.

      The isolation, monotony and lack of stimulation - combined with a hectic, unrelenting pressure - does mess with your head on occasion.

      But… it IS a primordial need… and I wasn’t going to argue with it!  smile
      Perhaps women who have the support of their own mothers do better.

    • The Bunyip says:

      07:41pm | 17/05/11

      “The isolation, monotony and lack of stimulation - combined with a hectic, unrelenting pressure - does mess with your head on occasion.”

      Sounds like my office job.  I’d rather be at home with the kids anyday.

    • BK says:

      07:34am | 15/05/11

      Its nice that Angela got a great job that she can brag about. For the rest of us, giving up work isn’t that big a sacrifice.

      Reply

    • Reggie says:

      07:51am | 15/05/11

      The answer is a live-in nanny, all found. Two incomes could manage that and I must express a fear of planners as well. The fear of that one day error where the other doesn’t come home and the baby is left standing hungry in the cot with it’s dirty pants in the middle of the sodden mattress.

      Another thing. Having and raising a baby, (singular) is only a pausette in life, it is not a sentence. Ten to fourteen years shared, out of a working life of say ... his 50 and her 50 years. Kids have a way of growing up, getting their own lives and vanishing. Enjoy every minute you can while they’re still nice ‘cos when they go to school they’ll come home a different person.

      Reply

    • Jolinar says:

      04:24pm | 15/05/11

      @ Reggie

      Wow, there’s so much wrong with that I don’t know ewhere to start.
      You’re dreaming if you think the average 2 income couple could afford a live in nanny and if they could, that’s not fair on the child they decided to have.
      If you have a child, you need to look after it- a child is not a right, it is a responsibility and needs love and attention, not being passed off to a nanny.
      Have you had children? 10-14 years is a bloody long time, and though most people would delight in having children, that doesn’t mean there aren’t hard sacrifices, moments of tears, depression and frustration. Just because oneday they’ll grow up doesn’t mean there aren’t stressful times in the meantime.

      I’d have to guess either a) you don’t have kids or b) you’re not the primary caregiver…

    • Faybian says:

      07:02pm | 15/05/11

      10-14 years. I’ve only started to let my 11 year old stay at home if I go up the road to the shops for a few minutes and then with strict instructions. She can wait a few more years to get her life and vanish

    • Sickemrex says:

      08:05am | 15/05/11

      Good article.  I was lucky enough to have various sources of leave to cobble together 12 months leave on half pay.  And fortunately I only like, rather than love, my job.  So I enjoyed going back 3 days a week but it wasn’t the end of the world that I wasn’t there, either.

      As for being the first of your friends to have a child, the wide variety of styles and advice amongst friends with kids can be just as difficult, I think!  We have routine nazi friends whose kids are asleep by 7, and friends who are of the take the kids to restaurants and let them stay up late style.  We have turned out to be routine nazis because it works for us.  It’s a bit annoying when people suggest we have lost our lives because we don’t keep our kid out late though.  We still have a life, we just do the evening part of life at home or at places we can still do our child’s normal night routine.  It’s better for her and better for us.

      And yes, we had the hazy idea that babies and toddlers love travelling, and sitting quietly whilst you cook or exercise or whatever, and know how to sleep through the night, ha!

      Reply

    • Paul says:

      08:58am | 15/05/11

      this column really needed to be written by someone who shares a house with kids and a partner (or not) and has a job at the end of an everyday commute and often involves after hours work and has never been on a “drop everything” assignment to Thailand or spent their evenings wittering on about the sacrifices they or their partner has made in their “career” (most people have “jobs”) or their friends touching speeches at nationally televised award ceremonies (most people have a “christmas party”, maybe).  this is precisely the kind of echo chamber navel gazing sites like this end up producing.  who the hell has time for this? the house is a tip, there’s more washing than you thought possible and I’m sittin here reading this?!  More fool me.  journalists, would-be journalists, politicians, “commentators” - blah blah blah. Bye.

      Reply

    • whatahooha says:

      06:23pm | 18/05/11

      thanks. you just reminded me there’s a load waiting to be hung out.

    • Bec says:

      09:31am | 15/05/11

      I have always loved my job despite the many hours of work both there and at home and with our first child that was an ‘easy’ balance. But we now have two children 8 years apart and I am feeling more torn than ever. Going back to work part-time was a financial decision but now I don’t feel like I fit anywhere.
      But at least in reading this I know I am not alone…
      We were also the first of our friends to have children and many of them found that hard to cope with us having a child, but I have to agree sometimes people’s advice is of not much help anyway.

      Reply

    • Katrina says:

      10:23am | 15/05/11

      Paul, I’m a ‘partnerless, mother of two and businses owner, who can relate to what both of you are saying, that doesn’t make Angela’s article any less valid.  I too am actually friends with the speech giver you make reference to and I witnessed first hand the sacrafices made in that family, so get off your soap box and go and clean your house!!

      Reply

    • Ray says:

      05:02pm | 15/05/11

      Katrina - ‘partnerless’, so what was it, emaculate conception.  If Paul conceived a child and was now partnerless (ie via the Family Court and attendent lifetiime gratuity to the mother) I can guarantee he won’t have a house nor much else. Nor the time to sit on his Kaiber feeling sorry for himself while writing self gratuitous drivel about ‘mothers’ . FFS what about dads’  Ah yes they were a fleeting light in the sky.

    • stephen says:

      10:32am | 15/05/11

      I like children…a lot, but only everybody else’s, so keep havin’em ladies and gentlemen… the littl’ens will make the world go round, (but that’s only cause us oldies’ll soon be too fat to get out of their way.)

      Reply

    • Beck says:

      12:00pm | 15/05/11

      Why do we have to make everything such a big freaking deal these days? Women in developed countries have never had it better and I find all this woe is me whining beyond ridiculous. Just live your life and stop over thinking every single aspect of your priveliged life.

      Reply

    • Bitten says:

      01:01pm | 15/05/11

      Too true. Woe is me, I have to unload a dishwasher occasionally - the cry of the modern woman in a developed economy.

    • Ray says:

      02:27pm | 15/05/11

      Exactly Bec, these whingers have a singular focus on themselves, all way have had that, and can’t jettison that self focus.

      Those comments relating to people having jobs not careers are closer to the mark.

      In particuilar just for once consider those men stuck in a job with little personal enhancement but stuck at purely to provide an income for their family. No sebatical time off, no avenue for higher education because of the commitment or obligation to that job.

      Then you’ll get some woman who digests this claptrap and separates through the family court, takes the assets and the kids, and suffers a twenty year subdisdy from the father till the kids finish school and support themselves. Inclusive is the option of a cougar interlude while getting child care subsidy or free childminding from the father every second weekend for the cougar getaway.

      Matter of fact don’t know why ‘Getaway’ doesn’t have a couger getyaway segment. Be a best seller.

      Anyhow Angela when considering your blithering self pity give a thought to those men with JOBS..

    • Angela Mollard says:

      04:12pm | 15/05/11

      If you read it properly Ray, you might note that I did mention men with jobs and how we, too, need to acknowledge them.

    • Fay says:

      04:37pm | 15/05/11

      @ Beck, Bitten and Ray

      These whingers have a singular focus on themselves, always have had that, and can’t seem to jettison that self focus.

      In particuilar just for once consider those women stuck at home with little personal enhancement but stuck purely to provide stability for their family. No sebatical time off, no pay, no avenue for higher education because of the commitment or obligation to that family.

      Then you’ll get some man who digests this claptrap and separates through the family court, takes the assets and the kids. Inclusive is the option of a midlife crisis younger-woman interlude while getting child care subsidy or free childminding from the mother every second weekend for the younger woman getaway.

      Matter of fact don’t know why ‘Getaway’ doesn’t have a Younger Woman getyaway segment. Be a best seller.

      Anyhow Ray when considering your blithering self pity give a thought to those Women with unpaid family WORK.

    • Ray says:

      05:28pm | 15/05/11

      Fay, now you certainly do sound as though you feel done over. Outclassed with no original response. Possibly once might be satire, but a second attempt is clinical intellectual limitation. Resolution of this afflication in women is probably the most confronting problem that men have, with an endeavour to integrate with a stunted species.

      But hey, don’t mind a challenge. That’s why men have progressed society, while women say I was discrimated against. Like, “I didn’t do anything but I was well you know…............ screwed by those dastardly men and I ended up pregnant. Just another reason why I should get maternity leave, baby bonus, childcare subsidy, child support, affirmative action, quotas, supportive legislation, Ministries for Women’s Affairs. Above all I should get a tax payer funded enrolment in an Eva Cox University curriculum on Women’s Affairs (at NSW Uni if you don’t mind) .

      Oh, oh, that’s the baby crying, Nanny must have gone home. 

      Penultimately, reproduction is the natural gift to females of all species. And some species revel in this gift better than others. Can I suggest monkeys and baboons.

      I said penultimate, on the off chance you can come up with some withering response, Although I don’t anticipate that you have the ‘gift’.

      Footnote for Angela. - Women have drawn the line in the sand with discreditation of men, so any olive branch would not hold much weight.

    • Fay says:

      05:52pm | 15/05/11

      Dearest Ray,

      I’m sorry you’re so bitter and haggard, but perhaps you should just be greatful that I don’t hate all men and go on laughable tirades about them. All of your arguements have no factual basis as they are based on inaccurate generalisations. Your comments may work in individual situations but are ridiculous when applied indiscriminately.

      Some men are good for nothing dropkicks. Some women are good for nothing dropkicks. Some men are brilliant fathers, partners, brothers, sons. Some women are brilliant mothers, partners, sisters, daughters. Don’t try to place all of your anger on one gender, it makes you look ignorant.

      Yes, discrimination exists, and maybe it always will. There is discrimination against both men and women, and hopefully it will be eradicated. Previously (and currently) women have been discriminated in the boardroom and other places, men have been discriminated against in schools and other places. No one wins from this, so I can’t understand why you’re perpetuating this vicious cycle. For as long as you continue to vilify women, you will enrage foolish women to vilify men and it never ends.

      I’m not sure if you realise but human men and women are in fact the same species- so when you compare women to baboons you do the same to men. I’m not sure exactly what “gift” you are talking about, I don’t have the “gift” of blind ignorance, spreading hate and fear campaigns and eternal bitterness, but I do have the gift of rational thinking, not blaming everyone else for one person’s mistakes and believing that men and women are actually equal.

      Regarding your note to Angela, the discrimination against women started long before the discrimination against men (which is probably WHY it happened) so lets just stop the discrimination against everyone already!

      Really, let’s stop the “I hate all men” or “I hate all women” and reserve our hard words and action for those specific people who actually deserve it.

      Much love, Fay.

    • Ray says:

      06:37pm | 15/05/11

      Fay I also recognise that my play on words ‘getyaway’ is probably outside your mental capcity. Never mind.

    • Faybian says:

      07:09pm | 15/05/11

      So much bitterness….. Been done over yourselves @ bitten and ray?

    • Ray says:

      08:27am | 16/05/11

      Oh no Fay you’ve actually written something.

      Your lesson in the history of discrimination doesn’t contain a lot of facts merely the folklore intoduced by women. In fact the folklore ‘historical ’ discrimination against women, is without question the greatest hoax ever visited upon humanhkind,

      In history the discrimination against boys in education, which you also attest to, will rank alongside the worst impositions by society. Rank with Stolen Generations, that is of Aboriginals, and children stolen from fathers by the Family Court aided and abetted by a feminist driven Family Law Act., the structure and framework of which was put in place by and uner the auspices of rabid feminist Dr Elizabeth Evatt).

      There once were natural roles where, if you want to call it discrimination, existed towards either gender (including all species).

      Ah, but our female human (loose term I know) species decided to reinvent all natural evolution as ‘discrimination’ against women. Unfortunaterly Society bought it hook line and sinker. The most succinct example is the difference in life expectancy. Men not looking after their health? No, more like the lifestyle and work dangers imnposed on them by society. Not much point listing all the other disadvantages historically appurtenent to men. But such things as deaths in the great wars (You can say men caused the wars as in the usual feminist cop out.)  But you would be living in a different world if men didn’t defend the nation. I know our casualties were in the order of 102,000 men to about 400 women. Women can’t even stand to give acknowledgement to the men’s sacrifice so now it is the ‘men and women’. You can throw conscription in this basket as well, applied only to males while women’s ‘careers’ were not interupted.

      Were there any women used as human guinea pigs at the Woomera nuclear trials. No, but hey, who cares it was only men the expendable species.

      Over all this social history there was NO culpable intent to discriminate against women.

      There certainly is a culpable will to discriminate against men in present day society, a fact to which you have attested.

      So, the ‘protected species’ can continue its march to gender cleansing. Meanwhile we’ll have precious deva jounos rabbiting on about how difficult it is for the most priveleged species ever to grace the civilised (and uncivilised} world.

      Men did the jobs. I know I did three to raise my kids just like my father whose generation is piloried for not spending time with the kids.

      But women’s convenience of spin can dictate any philosophy.

      Worse off my taxes pay for goats like Eva Cox to run her Women’s Studies at the Uni of NSW and others

      That’s the phone, must be my daughter. At least she’s balanced and successful. Loves her father as well.

    • Ray says:

      08:52am | 16/05/11

      Also, Fay you have greatly and irreversibly insulted me. Men nd women are not equal. As they say in the classica ‘Your Dreamin’. But above all do not call men and women they same species. I’m cut (metaphorically).

      You may aspire to be the same species and be equal. Dreamin’.  Although admirable.

    • Kaz says:

      01:17pm | 15/05/11

      To those whinging about the so called whining - I see this article less as a whinge and more as an acknowledgment and sharing of emotions. Yes, some of us are lucky to have choices. But those choices can bring mixed emotions. For those of us who can relate - even a little bit - it’s comforting to know we’re not the only ones feeling this way.

      Reply

    • GiGi says:

      01:24pm | 15/05/11

      Karl made me cry when he acknowledged his wife’s sacrifice. I too have a great arse and my tits aren’t half bad either, but my marriage broke down because my bloke never really appreciated the efforts required to run a family and work at the same time, as he built a very successful career for himself. Career sacrifices come with the territory with kids, but until you have done it yourself you have no idea how much of a sacrifice it it. For me, I had no real idea until my husband walked out on me how much I truly had sacrificed for my family. I love my kids, and feel lucky to have them, but the venerable situation I found myself as a single mum has overwhelmed me.

      Good on you Karl. For his wife and for all of you (men too) who sacrifice your careers and so much of yourselves for your family I hope it works out for you all.

      Reply

    • Ray says:

      04:53pm | 15/05/11

      Any idea why he walked out. I don’t need a choice of three answers to work it out. Nice throw away line ie (men too), because there can be no denial we’re still getting over feminist crap that fathers are not needed. When I say ‘feminist’ I include the silent and complicit.

    • Scumbag says:

      02:10pm | 15/05/11

      Angela, what is the purpose of the accompanying photograph. You say “we both had dual careers, before we had children”. What were those ‘dual careers’ ? There’s no evidence here, that you’ve posted, unless you’ve released your family portraits as shown, to the press, in support of your claim.

      Reply

    • Angela Mollard says:

      04:08pm | 15/05/11

      I don’t choose the accompanying picture Scumbag. Read the piece if you want clarification on dual careers.

    • Chriss says:

      02:23pm | 15/05/11

      I feel like an idiot but I cried reading this. So very spot on.  I’m four weeks into life with two under two and agree that acknowledgement is all you need.

      Reply

    • Ray says:

      04:45pm | 15/05/11

      Chriss, acknowledgement for whom. You and your husband, or just you.

      Ah, don’t bother, I know the answer.

    • Ray says:

      02:34pm | 15/05/11

      Forgot to say Angela, Having babies is a gift, so you are no literary tragic, just a self indulged modern day female, like all that are given too much so you expect more. Do not delude yourself into believing babies can not or do not detect this concessional care placed upon them.

      A PC society avoids conveying the truth.

      Reply

    • Fay says:

      04:41pm | 15/05/11

      Forgot to say Ray, having the ability to string a rational and coherent argument together is a gift, so you are a literary tragic. You are a self indulged modern day male, like all who are given too much so you expect more. Do not delude yourself into believing readers can not or do not detect this inability to think rationaly or write a decent argument.

      A PC society avoids conveying the truth.

    • Ray says:

      05:05pm | 15/05/11

      How profoundly original Fay. Smacks of the delusion to which I refer.

      Stick with reserve grade.

    • MK says:

      02:39pm | 15/05/11

      Your soludtion is very unhappy traumatised kids!
      They look like they think they are about to be eaten
      No really you coudln’t dfind a better photo?

      Reply

    • marley says:

      03:36pm | 15/05/11

      uhh, MK - I think that was entirely the point of the picture - that bringing the kids to the job is no solution at all.

      And geesh, some of you guys need to lighten up and take this story for what it is - a young mom adjusting to some of the surprises of parenthood - and don’t tell me there’s any mom in the world, whether working, stay at home, single, married, who hasn’t had her life turned upside down by having her first baby. Of course it’s normal, but that doesn’t make it any less of an adjustment all the same.  And no amount of preparation is going to prepare you for the surprises nature (and that baby) have up their sleeves.  That’s all this article is saying.

    • Ray says:

      04:42pm | 15/05/11

      Wrong Marley, what the article is saying is that women are self centred *itches, who resent the imposition placed on their lives. What about men? No imposition? No, they take it in their stride and evoke a sense of pride in having their progeny. Least I did. And did a job or three at the same time for their benefit not mine. Meanwhile women will only decry dad’s input, at best trivialise.

      There endeth today’s lesson

    • Fay says:

      05:35pm | 15/05/11

      Wrong Ray, what the article is saying is that some men are self centred *icks, who resent the imposition of acknowledgement placed on their lives. What about women? No imposition? No, they take it in their stride and evoke a sense of pride in having their progeny. And work without pay for their benefit not mine. Meanwhile men will only decry mum’s input, at best trivialise.

      There endeth today’s lesson.

    • Fybian says:

      07:15pm | 15/05/11

      @ray, can you put up a photo of yourself so that females can avoid you when you’re out in public, since you hate us all so much?

    • Ray says:

      07:49am | 16/05/11

      Trifecta hey Fay. As a favour could you let me know whether you are out of transition class yet, or have you had to repeat that three times as well

    • James1 says:

      12:24pm | 16/05/11

      You must have a terrible life, not to mention some awful women surrounding you, if you believe your opinions to be the reality Ray.  I feel sorry for you.

      I just hope you are aware that most of our mothers, wives and daughters are not like that.  Mine certainly aren’t, in any case.

    • Ray says:

      12:54pm | 16/05/11

      James you suffer from clinical repetition. You use the same weary analogy every time. And apart from that, I don’t need you or anyone else to feel sorry for me. I’m just fully crapped that women want to take everything, get everything and consider no one but themselves. They get everything as it is. Then they want more or cry poor.

      Can you at the same time please inform the women around you that all fathers, brothers, sons are not like the image that women wish to perpetuate of men.

      I’m sick of it and it seems when it’s on the other foot women as usual wish to claim ‘I’m not like that’, while wallowing in all the one sided advantages and one domentional derision of men. Women have dined on men for decades and I will continue until their selatious appetite for same is appeased. I will never forgive women for their public , vexacious, discreditation of men, and their desire to take everything from men in the process. The attendent self centredness is the core issue of the article.

      I don’t give a flying fig what they think. They don’t deserve it.

    • James1 says:

      01:07pm | 16/05/11

      No need to inform them of that Ray - like most reasonable people they know it, because of the behaviour of the men around them.  This is because we live in a world where we work together for good outcomes, rather than man vs woman, as you seem to live.

      And I’m going to feel sorry for you anyway.  You are so angry, unhappy and confused, I just can’t help it.  I tend to feel sorry for anyone who has been treated as you have, and furthermore I feel really bad for anyone who has to work jobs, rather than having a career.

      What did she do to you, that made you feel this way?  Did she take you to the cleaners during the divorce?

    • Ray says:

      02:15pm | 16/05/11

      James I’ve answered your same boring and repetitious questions from you before . Not divorced; have two grown chiildren with a firm grip on the planet.

      You are that planked you cannot even decipher that I have not been individually wronged. Although I have seen it happen to many. My gripe is at social attitudes and individual females wishing to push a social hoax, that is discrimination and feminism, to levels that do no one any service except themselves.

      We seem to keep returning to ‘themselves’ or unfetted self engranding, pious self centredness. Ending with a determined or derived defiinition of ‘Australian women’. A sad endicment to the human species of which you and I are sadly a part, an unrecognised part. Make no mistake men are going out the back door because of the weight of culpably intended outcomes. Then you’ll say ‘what happened’.

      I recall Kerry Packer being quoted that there are three types in the world. Those that make it happen, those that watch it happen, and those that say WTF happened. I’m not sure that you can be trusted to identify where you fit, and far be it for me to be unkind. 

      I don’t pick on weaklings or the intellectually deficient.

    • James1 says:

      04:40pm | 16/05/11

      “I don’t pick on weaklings or the intellectually deficient.”

      Glad to know you don’t think I am intellectually deficient then, or you would not have included that comment…

      Otherwise, I see what you describe in men just as often as women - for example, look at your own entitlement complex.  You seem to believe that you deserve far more than the women advancing past you in your jobs, a perception that furthermore seems out of touch with reality, given the circumstances.  Instead of looking to yourself and your own failings, as you urge (only) women to do, you blame it on feminists and feel entitled to have a good whinge.  Perhaps it is not a massive female conspiracy to make sure you have only a job rather than a fulfililng career.  Perhaps you are just not up to the standard you seem to think.

      That being the case, what separates you from the feminists you so despise?

    • Ray says:

      08:37pm | 16/05/11

      James you seem to assume an intimate personal knowledge of myself and my circumstances but let me advise you that you haven’t got one aspect correct yet. Just qhantum leaps of assumption. I’m retired you dimwit. Never had a female boss and and only had the respect of the females (and males) that worked for me. The females have reiterated this to me long since I retired.

      As for the difference between myself and feminists. For starters I’m not an rsole. But see if you can pen together my critique of feminists and complicit females. Try it from my preceding comments. Not to difficult even for the mentally challenged. I do not aspire to any of the critique I have expressed, and take particular action to ensure I have greater respect for my own principles.

      Now try not to interpret anything that is not said, into something that you wish to believe I said. To do so is complicit with the deceit and misrepresentation forming the basis of feminism, the women feminism represents, and opportune reconstruction of the truth to aid and abett such a hoax

    • thatmosis says:

      03:38pm | 15/05/11

      The whole article is me,me,me,me. Nothing about the joy of raising a child. you pathetic person. You and your partnet are priveledged to be able to have a child were there are people who desperately want one and for some reason cant. you have a child and think about what it cost you, sad person.\.

      Reply

    • jjjones says:

      04:21pm | 15/05/11

      well said, that mosis.

    • Jenny says:

      04:46pm | 15/05/11

      @ Thatmosis

      There is a difference between writing an article about your own reactions and only thinking about yourself. It is people like you who place additional stress on mothers and fathers to be perfect.
      A baby doesn’t need perfect parents, it needs loving parents who will love it and keep it safe.
      Having a child IS a difficult thing, and sometimes the media and society don’t acknowledge that. Why not? As long as you are doing the right thing by your child, why is it an issue to admit it’s not a cake walk? Why is it so wrong to say “I had to give important things up, thank you for recognising that”? 
      She’s not blaming the kid, and the article is not about the kid- it’s reminding people that yes, there are sacrifices and responsibilities that come with the joy of raising a child.

    • Sickemrex says:

      07:51pm | 15/05/11

      Wow, I should have known any conversation about mothers or religion on The Punch would degenerate into base insults.  I must be a shit mother too, because I didn’t know everything that was ahead when I had my child.  I’m not complaining, just saying that some things took adjusting to.

      I also took this article to be about a woman musing on some of the adjustments she had to make moving from a dedicated career to dedicated mother.  The bits about child care subsidy and quotas etc must have been written in that invisible ink font my computer doesn’t read.

      I hope the critics aren’t raising their daughters to one day think they might have successful, fulfilling careers, because what would be the point?

      Reply

    • Peter Hinton says:

      08:12pm | 15/05/11

      Outstanding. As a husband and father of two, I found myself out of work for four months last year. I stayed at home to raise the kids, do the ironing, the shopping and all of those other “small jobs” while my wife earned our living. No matter how many times I told myself that what I was doing was valuable, I just couldn’t believe it. I hated listening to friends talk about their days and felt embarrassed when I was asked to relive the highlight of mine (which could have been anything from cleaning up the diarrhoea of two separate species to finding the best value tinned tomatoes in Western Sydney). I finally returned to work and my wife chose to stay at home. I still catch myself complaining about the fact that none of my shirts are ironed, but the difference is that I catch myself.

      Reply

    • Nathan says:

      11:09pm | 15/05/11

      Is it really that much of a sacrifice to stay home and look after the kids, when you’re outsourcing all your housework already?

      (Google Angela’s November 21, 2010 article “Angela Mollard, outsourcing everyday life”)

      Reply

    • Liz says:

      07:59am | 16/05/11

      This generation is lucky to have the choice, reliable contraception and support.Early childhood is to temporary!! Enjoy it won’t happen again.When you die do you want to say “I wish I’d spent more time working” or “I had a great family life and raised some great, independent kids”? There are plenty of ways to stop your intellectual life going in the kids’ lunchboxes, you just have to be creative and stop whining.Been there, done it.

      Reply

    • Gigi says:

      09:54am | 16/05/11

      I didn’t read anything about not loving kids or spending time with them - The sacrifice for children is a sacrifice of freedom to do what you want each day without concern for anyone else. I am sure Angela would have had a similar impact on her life if she had to look after elderly parents - having to give up something you love for someone else is a significant loss- rarely talked about and often done without thought of what it means personally.  I am sure if Angela really wanted to do the elephant peice with a bit of time she could have organsied it with some - but her point is you can’t do that stuff the way you could before. She wasn’t crying poverty, or complaining - its simply losing the flxibility you once had which allowed you to take opportunities as they present themselves

      Reply

    • Jolanda says:

      10:00am | 16/05/11

      Everybody goes through “Poor me” stages - it is part of life.  If writing an article or whinging helps then it does no harm.

      I think that maybe it would help if those who stay at home to bring up their kids would present themselves as being a ‘stay at home parent for a stage in their life’ and not for the duration of their life.  It isn’t forever - kids grow up.

      Education – Keeping them Honest
      http://jolandachallita.typepad.com/

      Reply

    • NSW says:

      10:16am | 16/05/11

      Has anyone heard of overpopulation? You want to reduce your carbon footprint? It’s called birth control. Failing that, drop in to your local abortion clinic.

      Reply

    • mike j says:

      06:16pm | 16/05/11

      I’d like to see abortion clinics offer two-for-one deals.

    • Ray says:

      10:45am | 16/05/11

      Angela I tried to read your “how women need to recognise men with jobs and how women, too, need to acknowledge them. Sorry must have been cut from your draft.

      Also I would be careful of claiming ‘literary tragic’ with the use of words like ‘Ophelia’ and ‘Screamer’.

      As in signing into the visitors book with a name like Ophelia Balls. Or marrying a ‘screamer’., That’s every man’s Nervana. So careful with the names please.

      You can make life hard without care in the naming of a child.


      Bballs

      Reply

    • James1 says:

      12:48pm | 16/05/11

      “While most men understand and support this transition, some don’t (just as some women fail to recognise the responsibility many men feel to provide for their family).”

      Happy to oblige.

      Otherwise, two matters.

      1) It is a little disturbing to me that when the author refers to her baby (note, baby) as a screamer (as in a baby that screams a lot), you associate it with something sexual…

      2) A person who cannot spell Nirvana has no place critising anyone else over their literary prowess or lack thereof.

    • Ray says:

      01:57pm | 16/05/11

      James you fit the, once a plank always a plank.

      Be careful it is becoming illegal to ‘plank’ or be ‘planked’. You’ll be at the head of the queue.You’ll then have to decide whether you remain the outdated gentlemen or accept full redundancy. A gentlemen would step aside and let the long line of women to the head of the queue. But hey that’s redundent as well thanks to our protected species who get what they sew (oh, oh, spelling; is that sow, sue or plant)

      PS I used the spell check

    • Fiona says:

      10:04pm | 18/05/11

      @James1, just forget about it, @Ray won’t ever change. At this point you’re just feeding the troll.

    • greg says:

      11:33am | 16/05/11

      Its an interesting article, until this year we have had our kids in child care while we both worked. That was until we started talking to a few kindy teachers, child care workers and early childhood teachers. We were advised that kids in child care where fine and that there is no difference between stay at home parents as opposed to childcare kids. How sadly wrong that piece of advice is.

      We opted to for my wife to stay at home, yes she has sacrificed a career and yes is really tough. But the winners is the whole family, kids are happier, home appears to be a little more in control, we have alot more family time on the weekends, after work.  It costs us on the dollars and have had to tighten the belts but it worth it. If a parent can be a full time career it the opportunity thats shouldnt been lost.

      I totally recognise that my wife has given up so much and while not yet our kids will as well.

      Reply

    • Sickemrex says:

      12:36pm | 16/05/11

      @ greg:

      “How sadly wrong that piece of advice is.”

      Wrong for everyone in general or wrong for you specifically?

      Grammar and spelling aside, my 20 month old does 3 days a week in family day care with 3 other kids and appears to love it.  Just my personal anecdote of course.  I wouldn’t like to generalise and say what is right or wrong for everyone.

    • Sickemrex says:

      12:36pm | 16/05/11

      @ greg:

      “How sadly wrong that piece of advice is.”

      Wrong for everyone in general or wrong for you specifically?

      Grammar and spelling aside, my 20 month old does 3 days a week in family day care with 3 other kids and appears to love it.  Just my personal anecdote of course.  I wouldn’t like to generalise and say what is right or wrong for everyone.

    • greg says:

      12:59pm | 16/05/11

      thanks for the grammar lesson

      If I can recall kids under 3 are better off under the care of thier parents.

      Of course some kids may be better off if thier parents are for example druggies or substance abusers.

      But I think we are talking generally

    • Sickemrex says:

      01:49pm | 16/05/11

      Ummm, I’m not a druggie or substance abuser, thanks.  So where do you draw the line?  Are grandparents ok to take care of a toddler a couple of days a week?  Trusted friends.

      Good for you, if that’s how you roll, but don’t generalise on behalf of other people, thanks.

    • greg says:

      03:55pm | 16/05/11

      Sorry I wasnt trying to say you are a substance abuser.

      What I am trying to say that kids in general are better off under thier parents care rather than child care. Child care being a childcare centre or the like. I thought the same as you until i started talking to child care professionals.

      Considering I dont know the parenting situation of all 567000 families with kids under 3 in Australia, general is the way to go sorry.

      Im sure that your kids are great and you family unit is fine:)

    • Kika says:

      04:53pm | 16/05/11

      Greg - I totally agree. Childcare workers whilst expected to have degrees and certificates they are paid so poorly. They also cannot possibly educate your child nor train them life’s essential skills so you end up with kids in prep wearing nappies.

      And from my own personal experience, I hope your kids will thank her! My Mum was a working Mum not by preference but by necessity. There were so many times that it would have been so great to have a stay at home Mum but for one reason or the other she couldn’t be there, mainly because of work. Especially for school things - like sports days or helping out at the Canteen like the other Mums, or just to plain boring things like being home for you when you get home from school. that was a big thing for me.

    • Clare says:

      11:42am | 16/05/11

      I think the author had a particularly large helping of personal freedom before she had a child…see first paragraph…so it seems the ‘shock’ of having that freedom curtailed somewhat by a child has been hard to take.  As others have posted here, few of us have her ‘former’ life in the first place….we haven’t been asked to just get on the next plane to Thailand.. .we’ve had any manner of responsibilites. Heavens, even if you own a dog you have to think about what will happen if you need to go away etc etc.  It appears that she didn’t think much at all…..what did she think she was getting? A wind up toy? I will be the first to support help for mothers, but I also feel that woman like the author have a child because it is an ‘expected’ requirement, and then seem to moan about some lost idyllic state of personal freedom that is only available to the immensely lucky and wealthy amongst us. And at the same time look down their nose at childless women. Grow up! You have a great partner, a lovely child and , obviously still have good career choices available to you. You just have to be responsible for someone other than yourself, and that seems to be a first time experience for you.

      Reply

    • mike j says:

      12:42pm | 16/05/11

      ‘“What did you think would happen when you had a baby?” a friend’s husband queried recently. That’s the thing. You don’t know.’

      With all the whinging, self-serving blogs women write on how hard their lives are, it’s a bit rich suggesting that ‘you don’t know’ about the sacrifices involved with motherhood.

      Personally, I like to research a topic before dedicating 18 years and 9 months of my life to it. The research is pretty accessible, too. Did you have a mother, Angela, or were you birthed from the spawning vats of some lesbian feminist cloning facility before you were dropped on your head and lost all ability to be able to appreciate perspective?

      Reply

    • Helen says:

      01:29pm | 16/05/11

      There’s time when your children are older for a career.  It may seem a long way off, but it will happen.  Just enjoy your children while they are babies and toddlers.  You will miss them one day!

      Reply

    • Kika says:

      04:47pm | 16/05/11

      I think from the moment I understood what having a baby was I knew I wanted to be a mother. First and foremost. Each and everyday of my life I have looked forward to the day of being able to have a baby of my own. There’s nothing in the world I wouldn’t give than to be a stay at home Mum. I’ve got a pretty good job, career prospect and a degree (all things my parents wanted for me) but I still don’t feel fulfilled as a person. I’m approaching 30 with a birthday coming up soon and instead of feeling excited I am feeling deflated and sad by the fact I haven’t achieved my life number 1 goal yet.  I’d give my job, degree and career away all away in a second to be a mother.

      My husband is a little slower in wanting to jump into being parents. He wants to get his ducks in a row first before we can do it. I understand the reasoning behind it, I’m just getting deflated by the constant “I promise we’ll do it then” or “I know I said that, but it will be better later” etc.

      People with children - don’t take for granted what you have. Whether you are at work or at home you should feel blessed you’ve received one of life’s truly wonderful gifts. If you could have one day of being infertile or waiting for someone to commit to having a child with you maybe you’d understand more on how lucky and blessed you really are.

      Reply

    • Robin says:

      12:23pm | 17/05/11

      To Bitter Ray.
      Women also have suffered from the appalling attitudes of men who have pushed them around and abused them in their desire for total control. The article is not about a woman whingeing but about her thoughts on motherhood.
      I hope you buy yourself a dictionary to aid your appalling spelling
      .I have spent the last 20 years raising my 3 children with a (now )former drug addict as a fatherand they are wonderful, successful balanced people. I think women should stay home for the first 2 years but you just seem to have a hatred of any woman who wants to have a life other than motherhood.

      Reply

    • Ray says:

      10:25pm | 17/05/11

      No Robin, now I am totally pissed, but I still have princilples. Apart from that I am a wonderfully balanced person with beautiful kids Bu it shits me that womens first principle is to disredit men. (fathers). I will never forgive you because I have dedicated my life to kids and wife with total social discreditation. But fuc* that I’ll still keep at it. I don’t want a life other than fatherhood’ but I’ll still do it. I don’t find that an imposition, but i do find whinging females an imposition.

      Apart from that, you could not spell a horse, so do not talk to me about diction. You are a literary lightweight. Apart from that I just had 2 under par at the Lakes. So what can you do

      Reply

    • Michelle says:

      11:57am | 19/05/11

      Dear Angela,
      Thank you for your entertaining article.  My partner and I have four amazing kids, and we’ve both shared the working/parenting responsibilities.  Both of us, in each situation, and every day could do better at recognising the value we bring to each other and our children. I’ve thought about my own struggle of feeling unappreciated, and I guess it does come down to personal expectations.  Expectations shaped out of values and experiences each of us have individually, from family, community, country, religion etc. That expectation belongs to me and managing it is no one else’s responsibility but mine, and I confess - I’m not always very good at it. Parenting is the hardest job in the world, I think ... we’re all trying to do the best we can. When I find myself grappling with ‘sacrifice’, I know I need to do something for myself ... like go for a walk or take some time to read. You’ve hit a raw nerve. There seems to be many people who are feeling that struggle.

      Reply
 
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