Guess what ... none of you are Andy Warhol
Ninety-five per cent of social media users should hand over their keys; they’re too drunk on self-importance to drive.
Without overstating this, the desperate outrage over Instagram’s policy changes is, according an official study, the biggest overreaction of all time.
Last week a troubled young man shot up a classroom full of young kids. The US and Europe are teetering on the edge of economic collapse. Oh, and tomorrow the WORLD IS GOING TO END (maybe*). Yet millions of would-be insta-hipsters have found a true source of genuine outrage; they’re threatening to boycott a free social networking service because they’re under the impression their photos are worth something.
“They used my Nashville filter shot from the Enmore on Saturday! How dare those thieves, those capitalists, those philistines!”
THIS JUST IN: You’re not that talented. So when Instagram - a high-value, FREE, social network - has the nerve to ask for one of your photos for the purposes of self-promotion, you should damn well let them. For the privilege of using their technology - all that deliciously flared Instagram hipstamatica - you’ve paid precisely $0.
You think you’re an individual. An avant-garde trailblazer. But you’re not. There are millions of other ironic portraits of gourmet fish tacos from that cute little place in Northcote.
And Instagram’s not the only problem. People have been moaning about Facebook and Twitter - two other FREE services - for years. So if you don’t like it - hand over your keys.
Let’s streamline our social networks for 2013. And if we’re to be successful, here are the five social media fouls that have to go:
1. Menial Facebook updates: “I just got back from Coles and MAN that line was long! Don’t know if I’ll have the energy for Zumba in the morning….. #tired.” No-one cares. Shut it down.
2. Instashams: “This gorgonzola twist is totes gorg. Mwah xo.” Thanks for posting that still of a wheel of cheese and making it slightly brighter. You’re a regular Andy Warhol.
3. Hate Tweets: “Oh hey @christoforpaine do sum research! Ur a pathetic jurnlist lol! U shud be ashamedz!” Two things: 1) Learn to spell; 2) Delete your account.
4. LinkedIn reminders: “Chris Paine - Tory Maguire connected to you 28 days ago. Please accept her invitation!” I don’t need LinkedIn to verify my professional tie with The Boss. We’re all good (right, Tors?) And I’m getting to it. I have Christmas shopping to do. [Ed’s note: for the record, I haven’t logged on to my Linkedin account for approximately four years.]
5. LOOK AT MY BABY: The rest of us only want to see your baby photo if a) the kid is abnormally cute; b) they’re doing something that people other than the mother and grandmother would find funny; and c) you’ve given it an edgy caption. Otherwise just keep it for your inner circle. Besides - do you really want us seeing it anyway if we don’t truly appreciate how mega-awesome-adorable-cute-IQ178-“OMG a friend of a friend said he could be a baby model because of his high cheekbones, which he gets from me” your little one is? Lock it up. [Ed’s note #2: I may have been guilty of this].
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