Early-onset or ‘precocious’ puberty is on the rise, thanks to increasing child obesity levels and possibly environmental hormones.

B.D. Tyagi was recognised by Guinness Book of World Records for having the longest ear hair in the world. Pic: AP

Now, scientists from the Conds Institute have pinpointed a trend towards early-onset middle age, and their hypothesis is that it could also have to do with obesity and sedentary lifestyles.

They warn that Australians in their 30s or early 40s may already be experiencing a range of symptoms including stray hair, inadvertent grunting, and increasing issues with bodily secretions.

Stray hair: Males are often oblivious to this concerning symptom until a hairdresser or other carer points it out. The nasal passages and ear canals are particularly susceptible and in severe cases, the hair can extend centimetres beyond the bounds of flesh. The eyebrows are also often affected.

In females, stray hairs can be singular or in patches. Enlarged follicles produce spiky black hair in areas previously forested with soft, light growth. In one case study a 30-something strawberry blonde was found to have a single black hair sprouting from her forearm, and another from her cheek.

In both sexes, moles also may begin to send out dark shoots.

Inadvertent grunting: This generally becomes apparent when the person is raising themselves from a couch. Where previously a young adult may have sprung up unaided from a seated position, a clear symptom of early onset middle age is the inadvertent grunt that now accompanies the effort.

Inadvertent grunting may also be heard upon lifting a not-particularly-heavy weight, while stretching, and sometimes apropos of nothing at all.

Bodily secretions: Various bodily fluids can cause irritation for the prematurely middle aged. Blocked sinuses are common, as is increasingly clumpy ear wax. 
The wee hours add their own burden, as undisturbed sleep becomes an ever more elusive goal.

If you are suffering these, or any other symptoms, feel free to share below, and a representative from the Conds Institute will be on hand later to sell you an overpriced and decidedly ineffective remedy.

34 comments

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    • fairsfair says:

      02:06pm | 20/05/11

      cracked heels - wtf are they about?

      I have always had soft feet, all of a sudden - trucker feet. I’ve been eulactoling, I’ve been pumicing, its not working. I am devastated.

      I wonder if it is due to the fact I always wear thongs, or is it the fact that I am now ticking the second age box on survey forms??? Surely there is some study around liking cracked feet to your age box??? Surely.

    • Adam says:

      02:27pm | 20/05/11

      just cover them with Explorer socks. Works for me fairs.

      BTW black double pluggers are always in style

    • Pete says:

      02:33pm | 20/05/11

      wear shoes that enclose the heel and they will not crack

    • Kika says:

      03:20pm | 20/05/11

      My heels are cracked too. I think it’s because I have tiles at home and they make my feet hard.

    • fairsfair says:

      04:13pm | 20/05/11

      I think you are right Adam, the only way to fix this is to wear socks with thongs. It’ll keep me young wink

    • Steve says:

      04:53pm | 20/05/11

      Faisfair. Get a product called “heel balm” from the chemist. It will fix cracked heels. Also good on cracked fingers if you get them in the winter.

    • Eva says:

      08:39pm | 20/05/11

      Make sure your diet has enough of the essential oils in them, omega 3, 6, 9. The skin needs the oil to maintain elasticity.

    • Babbling Brook says:

      02:08pm | 20/05/11

      I think we are skipping over the big issues here.

      What I want to know… is is OK to pick your ear hair while sitting in a bus in morning peak hour? What about nose hair?
      Should you just trim ear / nose hair so you have a visible bush sitting just below ‘extrusion’ level… or do you go right in their and remove it from the root?

    • St. Michael says:

      02:10pm | 20/05/11

      “Stray hair: Males are often oblivious to this concerning symptom until a hairdresser or other carer points it out. The nasal passages and ear canals are particularly susceptible and in severe cases, the hair can extend centimetres beyond the bounds of flesh. The eyebrows are also often affected.”

      Oh, I’m never oblivious to it.  Mostly because the wife reminds me of its presence on a weekly or even daily basis.

      “In females, stray hairs can be singular or in patches. Enlarged follicles produce spiky black hair in areas previously forested with soft, light growth. In one case study a 30-something strawberry blonde was found to have a single black hair sprouting from her forearm, and another from her cheek.”

      I will bet you bottom dollar that nobody, and especially not her “carer”, said anything about it, though.  Who was the last guy who had the guts to tell a woman she’s got stray hairs or, god help us, a soft moustache? Probably the same one who was singing soprano shortly thereafter.  This issue is in the same league as whether her bum looks big in those pants—DON’T ANSWER, IT’S A TRAP!

    • Kika says:

      03:18pm | 20/05/11

      My husband tells me I have one a moustache - even though I still have the blonde downy hair there. He says it’s a good thing. It shows you have a libido. I don’t quite see female moustaches the same way. Hahaha/.

    • Mahhrat says:

      02:17pm | 20/05/11

      Wait, what?  We’re all living longer but we’re ageing faster?  Which one is it?

      That indian gent should totally plait his ear hair.  Those would be the best pig tails evah.

    • Daniel says:

      03:08pm | 20/05/11

      I just threw up a little bit in my mouth

    • Adam says:

      02:25pm | 20/05/11

      I suffer the first two, but am also showing signs of both kids these days and music was better in my day. I also have found myself wondering (embarassingly out loud) “but does it make phone calls?” when a new mobile is being discussed

      Flannelette pj’s are fashionable though. Right?

    • Pete says:

      02:30pm | 20/05/11

      Tory you either are bored silly or it’s a slow news day and you have trolled through the depths of tory’s slow news day file to bring us a story on ear hair. A rather brave subject to write on, for one who no doubt has/had a large following of follicularily challenged readers.
      This is not stuff for a Miles Frankiln nomination, although you may get an award from the “audiometry weekly” for pointing out and raising awareness of career hazards for audiologists.

    • A Ging says:

      02:31pm | 20/05/11

      Hair is now growing from my shoulders ...
      My ear hair is turning white which makes it less noticable.
      Skin on my elbows and the bottom of my feet is cracking.
      I no longer have an aversion to broccoli
      I am becoming my Grandfather.

    • MiddleAgedTrainDriver says:

      02:33pm | 20/05/11

      I think we’ve been Conds.

    • Follicle says:

      03:01pm | 20/05/11

      You know you’ve got there when for the first time at the end of your haircut the barber (and it’s usually barbers) darts the clipper to both eyebrows, both ears and, in severe cases, the nostril rims.  It’s like a sudden blessing from a priest and it’s over before you realise it.  once it seeps in what’s happened, however, you realise he’s seen what you’ve been (wilfully) blind to all this time.  After that each haircut ends with the grunted question, “Eyebrows?” - clippers aloft - to which you reply, shrugging, “Meh” and you pretend not to notice while he does it.  I’m 41 now, it’s been happening for a while; I think I’m numb to it.  Pretty much.  As for women, post-pregnancy hirsuteness (forearms etc) is very common, and it isn’t “one stray hair”, but I’ll let someone else suggest to them they should do something about it.  Me?  I don’t care.

    • HappyCynic says:

      03:18pm | 20/05/11

      Ah the word hirsuteness always conjurs up an image of hair suits for some reason, it seems as we get older we resemble chimpanzees more and more, both psychologically and physiologically, especially the poo-flinging kind smile

    • Tails says:

      03:34pm | 20/05/11

      Is the Conds Institute associated with the Ponds Institute in any way?

    • Tory Shepherd

      Tory Shepherd says:

      04:22pm | 20/05/11

      It just might be, Tails.

    • Tubesteak says:

      04:14pm | 20/05/11

      I have one of those personal grooming kits for this. It does the trick for those annoying hairs. I’m a very hairy person as it is.

      The grunting is because I’m sore from a lot of gym sessions.

      I attribute the ear wax to listening to loud music whilst at the gym.

      Also, I’m practically middle-aged as it is so maybe it’s just that

    • The Liberal Loafer says:

      04:26pm | 20/05/11

      with male ears,  ear rings only in the right ear means a homosexual, and earrings only in the left ear means a meterosexual..
      what does ears in both ears mean?

    • K says:

      04:57pm | 20/05/11

      They have too much time on their hands??

    • TimB says:

      05:55pm | 20/05/11

      It means you’ve sliced off someone else’s ears to shove into your own ears. Which thus means you are a psychopath and should be locked up.

    • The Liberal Loafer says:

      06:08pm | 21/05/11

      Why does the Liberal Party hire so many Liberal Party Trolls to flood the Punch Forum and numerous other forums in an attempt to hire new Coalitio and to preach Coalition Propaganda to other pathetic Liberal Party Trolls ???.

    • Adam says:

      03:25am | 22/05/11

      Perhaps you are merely confusing overwhelming support for the LNP, with people trolling. A sad and misguided mistake. I suggest you get outside more and converse with a wider variety of people. Perhaps then you will realise not everyone who doesn’t share your views is a troll.

    • Cameron England says:

      04:50pm | 20/05/11

      I have early onset nostalgia. I’m only 35 and everything was already better “back in my day”, when planking was called “lying down”, people knew how to do a hard day’s work and we had to pay for pornography. Actually, maybe things aren’t so bad.

    • Steve says:

      05:22pm | 20/05/11

      You know you have reached middle age when you cancel your subscription to playboy and wait eagerly for a new free target lingerie catalouge to come out.

      This is despite my wife assuring me that middle age is the half way point between your present age and 100.

    • St. Michael says:

      06:03pm | 20/05/11

      You need to look through your junk mail more carefully, Bras n Things’ catalogues are smaller and offer more models for the price of none.  Target catalogues only have 2 on average.  Cheap bastards.

    • Steve says:

      06:39pm | 20/05/11

      St Michael. You can have too much of a good thing. For instance a Myer catalogue with J Hawkins in swim toggs might be too much excitement so I throw them staright out lest I weken to temptation.

    • Eva says:

      08:44pm | 20/05/11

      Ooh guys I bet you crawled behind the sofa with those massive mail order catalogues when you when kids to peruse the wonderful images in the lingerie section.

    • Aussie Battler says:

      09:25pm | 20/05/11

      This is a disgrace! I hope the government does something to stop my kids from ageing in the thirties like this!

    • VanishingYouth says:

      10:25pm | 20/05/11

      I’m worried. I can identify with all of these, and I’m only 24. NOOOOO!

    • Valerie Woodruffe says:

      03:04pm | 21/05/11

      Wow sexy

 

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