Politics schmolitics. Everyone knows that sport is the one true obsession in this country. So let’s translate this bewildering election business into sporting speak. Ah, that’s better. Now we can all make sense of it.
ELECTION CAMPAIGN: A tedious, drawn out equivalent of the football finals which is essentially pointless, given you know the two grand finalists six weeks in advance.
THE ECONOMY: A huge, volatile entity which no one can control, though everyone claims they can. Like Barry Hall.
THE GFC: A massive global blight which briefly touched Australia’s consciousness before we promptly shrugged it off and forgot all about it. Like the FIFA World Cup.
TONY ABBOTT: Long distance triathlete desperately seeking a swimwear sponsor and political credibility.
JULIA GILLARD: The Sharapova shriek has nothing on the incumbent PM’s grating voice. Gillard also has a proven talent for backstabbing, like the guy who knifed Monica Seles.
THE WESTMINSTER SYSTEM: Said to be fair, but fatally flawed. Like cricket’s Duckworth Lewis system for resolving rain-interrupted limited overs matches, you can score more under Westminster but still lose. Just ask Kim Beazley.
PORK BARRELLING: The act of cynically channelling money to buy votes. Not dissimilar to the manner in which deposed Melbourne Storm boss Brian Waldron bought two premierships.
PREFERENTIAL VOTING: Richmond Tigers and Cronulla Sharks fans will understand this one. Basically, you barrack for your hopeless team, but when they lose, you swap sides and cheer for someone else.
SMEAR CAMPAIGN: The political equivalent of boxing trash talk, only trashier.
LEADERSHIP DEBATES: These woeful, staged farces have no real sporting equivalent, with the possible exception of America’s moronic WWE wrestling. Says it all, really.
POLITICAL PUNDITS: The only creatures on earth more useless than racing tipsters
ANTONY GREEN: Election tragic and walking database who can gibber underwater for hours about the underlying local issues causing a last minute swing towards the incumbent candidate in the seat of Jaga Jaga. So basically, the Bruce MacAvaney of politics.
KEVIN RUDD: The Kim Hughes of politics. Clearly not up to the captaincy.
THE COALITION. A shaky, forced alliance between a strong, city-based outfit and a lesser regional power. Just like the NRL’s St George/Illawarra.
LABOR: An organisation which plays on its working class roots but lives high on the hog. No finer example than Eddie McGuire and Collingwood.
THE GREENS: Perennial losers with no real plan run by figurehead with God complex and love of forests. Just like the NRL’s South Sydney and its boss Russell “Robin Hood” Crowe.
POLICIES: Like coaches’ instructions, these are usually abandoned once play begins in earnest.
TALLY ROOM: A useless throwback to the pre-computer age, retained solely for its retro charm. The old MCG scoreboard at Canberra’s Manuka Oval serves much the same purpose.
HUNG PARLIAMENT: An unlikely outcome, where scores are level at the siren. Bizarrely, deadlocks are settled by negotiation rather than by penalty shootout or golden point. Politics really is silly.
ELECTION DAY: A day which is always scheduled well in advance of grand final day or Melbourne Cup day because it is nowhere near as important.
And of course, feel free to add your extra translations in the comments section…
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