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Friday’s Dilemma: Can I discipline my friend’s child?

Bridget Ahern

by Bridget Ahern

10 Jun 12:01pm

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Filed under: Children, Fridays Dilemma, Friendship

67 comments

We all know kids can be a handful sometimes, but what happens when your friend’s child is turning into a little terror? Can you say something? ‘Gladys’ writes:

My friend and I had our children at around the same time. We try and get them to play together but her son tends to break things or rip books - invariably these are gifts that my daughter has received from other people - and I have to repair them or get rid of them. In one instance, he broke a maraca and I found it in the bottom of the toy box later that week. I think she put it in there so I wouldn’t find it while she was there.

I realise he’s just a little baby (boy now), but she never urges him to be gentle or to respect other people’s things. First question: Can I tell a young visitor, under the supervision of his mother, to be gentle and not to break things? Second question: am I being silly thinking she should offer to fix or replace the things he breaks?

Can you help Gladys with her delicate problem? Post your advice below!

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67 comments

Show oldest | newest first

    • Elphaba says:

      12:13pm | 10/06/11

      Ooh, a tricky one…

      I don’t have kids, so I reckon my advice means squat.  I’d explain to your friend that her son is breaking several of your daughter’s things, and would it be possible that she tells him to be a bit more careful?

      If she doesn’t, then suggest that they play at her house from now on.  Tell her several things belonging to your daughter have been broken by him, and that if nothing can be said to him, then you just want to take a break from having to fix/throw things out.

      It’s not going to be a pretty conversation one way or another.  But you shouldn’t have to put up with her child being a little shit because he’s not being disciplined.

      Reply

    • ladybuglauren says:

      04:02pm | 10/06/11

      ” I think she put it in there so I wouldn’t find it while she was there”

      I’m not a parent either, but I am a functioing member of society, so I feel qualified to stop you right there OP.

      If this is how his MOTHER behaves are you really all that surprised that the kid has no appreciation for other people’s stuff?  I’d tell them both off, if more people were pulled up for their bad bevaiour, maybe less people would behave so badly.

    • Tank says:

      12:14pm | 10/06/11

      Of course you can.  “It takes a village to raise a child.”  That means supporting parents and kids as well as taking part in the yucky bits, like discipline.  So long as you are respectful and not being overly sensitive (or have unreasonable expectations) it’s perfectly ok to discipline another person’s child, where appropriate.  And to accept that they may do the same to your child in return.

      But one word of caution: if you think a baby boy is a “terror” because he tends to break things, you need to think again.

      Reply

    • Zoe says:

      05:34pm | 10/06/11

      Agree totally, in fact a lot of the time if your kids wont listen to you they WILL listen to someone else. Most of the parents I know actually appreciate it if you step in and back them up.
      Obviously you dont go overboard, but telling a child “no” is hardly child abuse. A lot might depend on the parents too, some dont think their little Angel is capable of doing wrong, but when the child gets to day care, kindy, sport etc they have to learn to listen to adults anyway.

    • Lisa H. says:

      01:30am | 11/06/11

      Well I agree with the gist of your comment - it’s easy enough to simply gently tell the child ‘gentle, Jimmy’, and then supervise closely throughout the rest of the visit…

      but… If you think that a baby girl breaking things would be unacceptable, but a baby boy is merely ‘boys being boys’, you have a problem in your perception of gender.

      I see many mothers of boys who allow them to behave in ways that would never be acceptable for a girl.

      Yes, I have a boy. The ‘boys will be boys’ excuse is never used at our place.

      I want my beautiful man-to-be functional, and aware of the feelings of other people.

      Yes, he still gets to be free, run, tackle etc etc… but only when the context is appropriate. Hurting people or things is never appropriate!

      For the sake of my girls - and my boy for that matter - I wish more people stopped encouraging their boys to be self-centred little loons.

    • Tim says:

      12:18pm | 10/06/11

      Just keep some chilli oil around.
      Everytime the kid is bad, rub some on his lips.
      He will learn the consequences of bad behaviour and the mother will never know anything.

      Reply

    • MsBriz says:

      12:44pm | 10/06/11

      Your suggestion is akin to the old school of dog training by rubbing a dog’s nose in their poo when they go to the toilet inside - we don’t do that anymore.  Parenting should not be about punishing by fear or pain, it should be about reasoning and gaining respect.

    • Janelle says:

      01:03pm | 10/06/11

      Be very care Tim. I would never use it on my child and if I found someone had done that to my child I would have them up on assault charges. To do something like that you would have to forceable hold the child down. Bad Idea and in my and many others eyes, is child abuse.

    • Bilby says:

      01:26pm | 10/06/11

      MsBriz - Reasoning… hehehe….

      Respect from a small child doesn’t come from reasoning, it comes from the child knowing that if they mess with you, there will be consequences. Kids know what they’re doing, and what this person will let them get away with. If all they’ll get is a small talking to, they can handle that. Different strokes for different little bastards I say.

    • Nathan says:

      02:58pm | 10/06/11

      Hahahaah Reasoniong with a little child, How PC of you. I like the Chilli idea, might even use that. I’ve never smacked my kid with the wooden spoon yet but he knows he’s on his final chance when i get it out for him.

      Give him a 1, then a 2, then i get the wooden spoon out, there ain’t no 3.

    • Markus says:

      03:19pm | 10/06/11

      Wooden spoons don’t hurt.
      The crying, the squirming, the “no please don’t, I promise I won’t do it again!” are all part of the charade of making the parent think they’ve succeeded.

    • Tchom says:

      03:26pm | 10/06/11

      Reminds me of an old ninja trick. They used to get chilli powder mixed with iron filings. They would throw it in their enemies eyes and then when they went to rub them….

    • George says:

      07:18pm | 10/06/11

      MsBriz…. you may not do that any more, but that doesn’t mean negative reinforcement doesn’t work. For the first 3 months of our puppy’s life my wife tried the positive reinforcement toilet training. Taking it outside, praising it when it went out there, quickly moving it outside when it went inside. 3 months later the puppy was still weeing and pooing in the house. Finally I got sick of living in a toilet and gave the dog a smack on the bum, rubbed his nose in his wizz and chucked him out the door. It was the last time he went inside.
      That being said, rubbing chilli in a child’s face is not an acceptable response. But if the kid in question had learnt no means no from a young age we wouldn’t be reading this column and suggesting outlandish solutions in the first place

    • Fiona says:

      07:34pm | 10/06/11

      I’m choosing to think that time joking, cos otherwise it’s pretty sadistic. Kids will actually respect you if you’re firm (and consistent) but fair, not if you’re sadistic,( much like dogs as Ms Briz commented) not cruel.

    • Cate P says:

      09:32pm | 10/06/11

      Tim, I reckon you must be the guy who posted advice to put inactive crazy crabs in the microwave and zap them until they move!

    • Alici says:

      04:47pm | 11/06/11

      MsBriz - yes because it’s clearly evident in society that reasoning and gaining respect from children is working. I don’t necessarily agree with rubbing chili oil on their lips but the right punishment can work just as well.

    • Marto says:

      05:58pm | 12/06/11

      MsBriz - it is pussies like you that are responsible for the current generation of turds that are about to enter adulthood.  Make no mistake - if you are under 18 you have zero opinion and are at the bottom of the food chain.  I am a chef in an upmarket restaurant.  In the event of parents bringing in their kids, we have had moments when they run amok and disturb the atmosphere of paying customers.  I happily fire at the kid (and their lazy parents) for making a racket.  If they want to eat out, get a babysitter or go to McDonalds, otherwise expect your kids to cop a mouthful if they act up.  Teach them manners and respect and they will grow up OK.  Gaining respect from a little snotty nosed brat - you are not fit to be a parent.  You need a licence to fish, but it seems any muppet can be a parent.

    • Kevan says:

      07:35pm | 13/06/11

      Seriously, people are getting so soft nowadays. While putting chilli oil is definitely not the best action, it should be filed under assault. Back in my days, my siblings and I used to get a good smacking when we got out of line. With society changing now, I don’t think being too lax on kids work.

      I have a niece and nephew who had their parents try to discipline them through reasoning and respect but the results that has produced is like trying to make pigs fly. They have hardly any respect for anyone and do not listen at all. I have actually heard them swear before and all the get is a lecture and time out. Really now?

      People have to realise that discipline is important in the foundation of a growing child. They need to know what is right and what is wrong from the get go and a little smacking goes a long way.
      Don’t get me wrong, I am not suggesting you beat the daylights out of the kid or leave signs of bruising but seriously, a smack or two is not going to cause them too much misery.

      So in response to this dilemma, yes. Definitely go ahead and tell the boy what he is doing is wrong (But don’t touch him though. Could give the wrong idea)

    • Cat says:

      12:27pm | 10/06/11

      nobody can answer what is or isn’t appropriate without knowing the age of the children involved. From the “little baby” comment it sounds like perhaps he’s too young to be aware of what is and is not a fragile toy and simply saying “be gentle” might not actually do anything as he may be too young to understand the concept. My advice is only make available toys/books which can stand up to a bit rougher play and put away the breakables. You might want to work on introducing the concept of gentle, talk about gentle hands and show him how to use gentle hands to turn the pages of a book while you hold it. Get some stuffed toy animals and encourage him to gently hug them or gently stroke them. Give lots of praise for using “gentle hands” or “playing gently” when you notice him doing it BUT also make sure you provide some opportunity for more active and rough and tumble play because they need this too (and yes, boys do seem to play rougher than girls and there is nothing wrong with that) - perhaps a trip to the park before playing at home, or perhaps play outside chasing/blowing bubbles ect.

      Reply

    • Gigi says:

      08:55pm | 10/06/11

      Top comment Cat!
      Kiddies/Toddlers really respond well to an immediate interruption to their rougher play by quickly introducing the concept and demonstration of ‘gentle’ .  And more importantly, it is unlikely to come across as discipline to the other mum.
      And totally agree, remove breakable toys to another area when this little boy visits.
      I have a son and have had so many playdates where toys are broken by visitors and to be honest, unless it happened every single time, I think it is a case of don’t sweat the small stuff. I have just learned to keep some toys aside and to have other activities planned (bubbles, painting outside (bucket of water, paintbrush and a fence/concrete if you are worried about the mess of using actual paint, blocks, playdough) as well.

    • Stephy says:

      07:17pm | 11/06/11

      Yup, or buy some really cheap toys/card books and they’re his for when he comes round. And since it is YOUR posessions, you can tell him to be gentle. If the parent has an issue, explain that he was handling your items in a way that was breaking them, and you wanted to make sure he didn’t break them. If she takes umbrage at you disciplining her son, say someone had to do it and since she obviously wasn’t you had to just to preserve your property.
      Also, try some food dye in water on concrete or paper. Works a treat.

    • Septimus says:

      12:31pm | 10/06/11

      In five years time, the toy won’t be around and you won’t care.  Would you like your friend around or the toy?

      Tell him to be gentle, don’t tell your friend off or expect her to pay.

      Reply

    • Duff says:

      01:59pm | 10/06/11

      That’s bloody good advice.  Winner comment of the day, for me.

    • sharon says:

      03:07pm | 10/06/11

      As a mother of twins (boy & girl) I have to say I agree with septimus. If you tell the child gently “be gentle with that Johnny” in front of his mother she will probably start pulling him up herself, I know I would and I wouldn’t be in the least bit offended either. If you voice your (understandable) utter frustrations though you may loose your friend, so my advise is do it while you are calm and at the first sight of him getting a little rough.

    • Fiona says:

      07:37pm | 10/06/11

      Agreed, if it’s your property that’s broken you get the right to tell the child to stop, but otherwise don’t. Friendships can be ruined over fights about children.

    • PG says:

      12:32pm | 10/06/11

      This is not tricky at all, and it’s not necessarily “discipline” to tell a child how to treat someone else’s possessions. Children learn how to behave from everyone around them, not just their parents, so feel free to educate the child on how to behave in your home.

      It’s only discipline if the child knows how he/she is supposed to behave but intentionally chooses to behave differently. I say intentionally because sometimes they may need to be told more than once before they remember wink

      I have no problem telling my sisters kids how to behave, both in our home and in hers, and she does the same with my son. It’s important that you respect the differences between how you parent your own child and how others parent their children smile

      Reply

    • John S says:

      12:35pm | 10/06/11

      Your house, your rules.  Under my roof, I expect the same standard of behaviour from my children’s friends as I expect from my kids.  And I’m quite happy to discipline them as I would my own.

      A little, “Johnny, you should be more careful with other people’s stuff,” would be appropriate.  I’ve said similar to kids in front of their parents and never had an issue.  Your friend may not wish to make a scene in your house and may actually be grateful.

      I would expect my kids to receive the same treatment at other’s houses.

      I think discussing the issue with your friend will result in over-analysing what should be a simple situation and may cause ill-feeling.

      I don’t think you can ask for the items to be fixed/replaced.  Inviting children into your home is acceptance that something can (and probably will) go wrong.  That said, if my child broke something in someone else’s house, I’d be offering to make good.

      Good luck!

      Reply

    • NSW says:

      12:36pm | 10/06/11

      Haha “Gladys”!

      Simple - don’t let the little brat in your house.

      Reply

    • Carz says:

      12:39pm | 10/06/11

      Do you have the right to discipline your friend’s child? No. Do you have a right to set personal boundaries and rules within your own home? Absolutely.  If the kid can’t play with your daughter’s things nicely then take them off him, explain in a respectful way that in your house if children can’t play nicely with things then they can’t play with them at all, and offer something else, something less breakable, to the boy to play with. Be firm and consistent about it, and make sure you are only applying the same rules that you do to your own kids. And make sure you stick by those rules for your kids when you are away from home.

      You wouldn’t allow an adult friend to disrespect your home by trashing it. Why should you allow their child to do it? (And yes, I have kids. Two of them. They aren’t angels but they do know how to respect other peoples things.)

      Reply

    • LE says:

      12:39pm | 10/06/11

      I absolutely think you have a right to say something to him.  It is a delicate situation and it usually ends up embarrassing the parent of the child but hey, they’re not the one who has to pay for the toys in the first place or console an upset child about their toys being ruined are they.  I’ve said something to misbehaving children on many an occasion and while it has caused some embarrassment, it also makes the parent pay a little more attention to what their child is doing.  I have step children who are amazingly well behaved with outstanding manners, but if one of them were to do the wrong thing at someone else’s house I would expect them to be told off for doing the wrong thing.

      In regards to whether or not your friend should pay for or replace broken toys, I absolutely think she should at least offer.  It’s just good manners to do so.  If she is in fact hiding the toys that her son breaks, well children are a product of their environment now aren’t they?  Maybe if you do tell him to have more respect for other people’s property in front of her, maybe her own manners will kick in too.

      Reply

    • Andy D says:

      12:42pm | 10/06/11

      The problem is that there is a chance that the reason this kid is an inconsiderate little tool is because his parents have taught by their examples of being inconsiderate tools.

      If you can be reasonably certain that the mother really did hide the broken toy then I think you already have your answer, she has as little respect for you and your things as her child does, time to find a new friend.

      I have some friends whose children I would feel comfortable ‘advising’ or ‘correcting’ (not sure I would go so far as a to ‘discipline’ someone else’s child in their presence) and some friends who I know would see any attempt to coach their child away from destructive actions as a personal insult to their parenting (generally it’s these ones whose kids are the feral ones).

      I have at least one friend who was once advised that her daughters were disturbingly catty. Her response was that she has intentionally raised her children this way as it is the only way they will survive in the world. My children don’t go to their house any more.

      Reply

    • Cloud Strife says:

      12:47pm | 10/06/11

      Defiantley tell the boy that if he breaks something, he can’t play with her toys. His mum can bring his own toys.

      Reply

    • Super D says:

      12:56pm | 10/06/11

      I’d ask the mother why she isn’t disciplining her child.  It is after all her job as a mother to produce a well socialised child - ie one that will take direction and not be a total pain in the ass. 

      If she believes that disciplin will somehow stifle her child’s development then simply show her the door and terminate the friendship.  Parenting is hard enough without surrounding yourself with morons.

      One day your child can represent hers in court….

      Reply

    • Jim says:

      01:02pm | 10/06/11

      Your house, your rules. It’s a fundamental principle of going anywhere…unfortunately it seems to be a bit lax these days.

      Reply

    • fairsfair says:

      01:51pm | 10/06/11

      Man, we were always on our super best behaviour outside of the house. Walking on eggshells kind of stuff at friend’s houses. Way better than we were inside our own house. For some reason none of us ever picked up on the fact that our parents weren’t around and never tested the boundaries with someone else’s mum. To the point where other parents used to ask our parents what they hell they did to raise such angels and our parents would be like WTF?

      I remember being dragged out of bed at 4:00am to take dad to the airport to so he could head back to work and Fatty Vautin was on his book tour and heading from Cairns to Mackay. We were locked into the car prior to being allowed exit and given a stern talking to. There would be no running around., no shennanigans, no other hijinx tollerated in the departure lounge. Apparently Fatty commented to Dad on the plane about how well behaved we all were and he was a bit chuffed. Little did the Fat know that it was all down to threats of violence and sleep deprivation. A healthy mix, that I will no doubt pass on to my own little cherubs one day wink

      I know you would never be rude Gladys, but put yourself in her shoes… You would want to know and would you care all the much if she told your child the rules of her house? I don’t think you would. I would probably tread lightly on the second part though as like AdamC says below, tricky! You’d rather hold on to the friendship. Just accept the fact you now have to do your Peter Allen impersonation sans Maraca OK!

    • Elphaba says:

      02:06pm | 10/06/11

      @fairsfair, sounds like my childhood.  Mum was always very scary when we misbehaved, so a decent amount of threats to be whalloped if we stepped out of line seemed to work.

      She didn’t even have to smack us much.  I can remember… less than 5 incidents where I got a smack?  Just the threat of a stinger on the fleshy part of the thigh was enough.

      People always said we were well-behaved too.  Pity it didn’t stick… wink

    • fairsfair says:

      03:03pm | 10/06/11

      Same here, I don’t ever remember being smacked all that much really. My brother and sister yes, but not me personally. Mum was one to pack the wooden spoon in her handbag when we went shopping though, so we always slept with one eye open so to speak.My Aunt was the same too and all us kids cack ourselves because the cousins used to push the limits and my Aunty used to just loudly rattle the draw and they would sh*t themselves!

      Follow through is the key though. I remember having a major dust up with the sister and mum snapped. Caught me, clipped in the ear I was but my sister hid behind the shed for about two hours. By the time she returned I was happily doing something else and mum was sharing a cuppa with the neighbour. As she casually wandered through the back door without a word mum just put he tea down, approached and pop! Sister didn’t even know what hit her. She never hid again. Follow through!

    • Wayne Kerr says:

      03:31pm | 10/06/11

      Same for me faisfair.  Whenever we went out, all it took was a look for the old man and we knew that if we didn’t behave we’d be in for it when we got home.  I’ve done the same for my kids.  My ex and I were able to take them out to dinner from an early age and we were always complimeneted on how well behaved they were. They got the occasional smack when it was deserved but not often.

      Do you want to know the best thing though?  I was talking with my 19 y/o son the other day and he actually told me without prompting that he felt that he and his siblings had been brought up pretty well.  When I said there were somethings that I probably could have done differently he responded by saying that other kids that he knew had had harsher upbringing than him had turned out to be scum. He finsihed by telling me he thought we had done a good job as parents. 

      As a parent you regularly second guess yourself so it’s so nice to hear that your kids appreciate how they’ve been brought up.

    • fairsfair says:

      04:30pm | 10/06/11

      Onya Wayne!

      I remember saying to my mother as a teen that it wasn’t the fear of getting into trouble from her that stopped me from doing the more rediculous teen rebellion things, but more a fear of her being disappointed in me.

      I don’t remember her response at the time, but she was telling me the other month how that made her blubber like a fool. And a big Happy Birthday to the old girl too - 54 today. Love her to bits.

    • Alex says:

      01:03pm | 10/06/11

      Your house, your rules.  Explain what level of behaviour is acceptable and what outcomes you expect.  If these cannot be met, friends should not be welcome . Suitable punishment/repercussions for actions can hopefully be agreed upon by other parent.  If this cannot be achieved, stand your ground and be confident of your position.

      Reply

    • AdamC - childless armchair parent extraordinaire says:

      01:11pm | 10/06/11

      The answer to your first question is yes; the answer to the second is no.

      Some of the other commenters offer good advice about dealing with the little terror, but dealing with your friend is more tricky. I suspect that she is aware, and ashamed, of her son’s behaviour, but has been unable to get him to alter it. Maybe you could raise it with her delicately?

      Reply

    • James1 says:

      02:12pm | 10/06/11

      I’m not so sure she is aware.  Being a parent, and seeing many other parents in my day to day life, I can’t help but note that many are blissfully unaware of their children’s behavioural problems.  Furthermore, a small portion of those who are aware would still defend their child against anyone trying to intervene.  It reminds me of the situation where one’s partner is criticising their own parents.  They can criticise and carry on all they like, but if you join in, a line has been crossed.  In such cases, there is no delicate way of raising such issues.  And sadly, you won’t know what kind of person your friend is until the issue is raised.

      In terms of the first question, of course you can.  The real question is whether you should.  The second question is definitely no.  In the past, I have done what others suggest above - put away the good stuff when you know they are coming.

    • Janelle says:

      01:14pm | 10/06/11

      I have been in this position many times. The way I handled it on every occasion was to either not openly invite the child back or went to their house for playtime.  If they came over unannounced then I selected only a few, very hard to break but easily replaced items. If the break happened in front of the child’s mother then I asked her to address her child, the broken toy and the apology to my sons. Often parents that have children break something either on purpose or by accident ( remember they are children who do not understand consequences) are embarrassed. If the child is doing it out of aggression then I will take the toy and address the child by saying “you are visiting to play with ”    ” and these are his toys. If you break them because you are angry, you will not be allowed to play with them anymore. Either way it must be handled with care and considerations for both children, they are children. Adults that choose to ignore negative behaviour often do so out of frustration and an inability to sort out the problem.

      Reply

    • Joan says:

      01:16pm | 10/06/11

      Whatever you do don’t sit back and say `Gee isn’t he cute` Discipline, socialisation is needed. Obviously visiting Mom is letting the kid lay ground rules at home. If the kid is under two then he has an excuse for behaviour, still believes the world is an oyster and that he can do whatever he wants. Time to teach him with a firm No… take away book….say something llike- books are for reading not tearing. If he is older to Dotty Mom, you could say `Wow did you see that program on ADHD, little Brat is showing all the classic symptoms, are you looking into it?

      Reply

    • Cat says:

      02:12pm | 10/06/11

      A very young child who is a bit rough on toys and is either too young to know or has not been taught how to be gentle is not displaying the classic symptoms of ADHD. Perhaps you should learn more about it.

    • bikinis on top says:

      02:05pm | 10/06/11

      Chill out,man ! Children are just not human creatures who missed out on an abortion or failed the abortion test.Children are gifts of science or God.
      Children need understanding,kindness, care, love, empathy,sympathy and shared conversations.
      However I wish my redneck ultraconservative satanic niece would stop abusing me on facebook lately.I cannot help it if I am not excellent, not perfect, and not a good example for rotten nasty little nieces.
      Chill out , man! Chill out Tory!

      Reply

    • Vince says:

      02:11pm | 10/06/11

      One day “Gladys” might find her little angel is just as much a failure as she thought the little boy was.  The difference is that he had some balls and grew up to be a leader of men, whilst her little angel remained a passive nobody.  Today’s “little terrors” are tomorrow’s power brokers.  You think Tony Abbott was a kind gentle little boy who always was careful with other people’s stupid toys?  NO WAY!!

      Reply

    • sharon says:

      09:15pm | 10/06/11

      I wonder if Hitler was a kind gentle little boy?

    • Lisa H. says:

      01:33am | 11/06/11

      I think this is a great example of the attitude I am up against. (see earlier comment)
      Vince seems to encapsulate the most popular approach when raising boys

    • Schemer says:

      02:34pm | 10/06/11

      If it were me, I would attempt to avoid open conflict, shame my gutless friend and educate the child by addressing the issue as follows:-
      Invite friend and terror over.  Explain to friend that you have been finding toys broken everywhere and you are worried your daughter is getting too aggressive in her play.  Use hidden broken maraca as example.
      Say to brat and daughter (in presence of friend) that they are both going to try to have some “quiet gentle play” today and if they do, they’ll get a reward (cupcake or bubble blowers or something?).  Provide them with tough, unbreakable toys.  Keep them within eyesight during their play and gently guide brat if he starts getting out of hand.
      At end of session smile sweetly and thank friend for giving you opportunity to watch daughter play and keep an eye on her.  Say they should do it again next time, maybe at her house?
      Tricky situation… Best of luck!

      Reply

    • Brendo says:

      03:01pm | 10/06/11

      Back in my day, the Christian Brothers provided the discipline.  A few whacks with the strap didn’t do me any harm.  Of course all the sodomy and stuff was a different matter….

      Reply

    • Nathan says:

      03:05pm | 10/06/11

      It’s not discipline to speak up. A gentle prodding is all thats needed and the mother of the child will take over. a simple, Jonny be gentle with that, will suffice. Just keep onto him, Don’t make it an issue with his parent. Its a non issue. I would expect if my son was at someone elses house and was doing something outside their rule set to be told to tne it down or be gentle etc.

      You need to stop overanalysing things and just tell it like it is. People are not as precious as the PC cult portray them to be.

      Reply

    • Steve says:

      03:05pm | 10/06/11

      One phrase and two suggestions:
      “It’s never too soon to start the tough love.”

      1) Raise the subject of the rising tide of violence at schools and whats causing it.
      2) Hand you friend an ADHD pamphlet as she exits the door.

      Sounds extreme, but your child is learning what a child can get away with (hiding broken toys, concealing actions) from her child…

      Reply

    • Fiona says:

      07:50pm | 10/06/11

      Why do people automatically assume this kid has ADHD? No doctor worth their salt will diagnose it in a toddler (if that’s how old the child is).  It sounds much more like learned behavior and lax parenting.

    • Brendo says:

      03:17pm | 10/06/11

      How old is your daughter? Can she speak? If so, coach her to come in and complain to the mother next time something happens. Get her to cry if possible. Perhaps she can rattle off a list of broken possessions.

      Hopefully your friend will be embarrassed enough to take action via discipline and replacement. If she doesn’t, you’ll have to ask yourself if she’s a friend worth having.

      Its not about the possessions as such - its about respect for other people. If the child doesn’t learn early on - they’ll have problems later on. Also, the mother might as well start with the discipline as soon as necessary

      Reply

    • Jay-ded says:

      03:29pm | 10/06/11

      The child is not yours.  Start speaking to his Mum.  If she takes offence, then don’t invite her over.

      Reply

    • Sherbie says:

      03:43pm | 10/06/11

      When my sister’s kids used to come over (I don’t have kids) I would always say something if I didn’t like the way they were behaving. Its not that I ‘disciplined’ them. I would just gently ask/suggest things to them and most of the time it worked. Distraction is always a good method as well!

      Reply

    • stephen says:

      04:54pm | 10/06/11

      I find emailing an invoice for replacement toys to the friends mother so its waiting for her when she gets home is a sure fire winner.

      Reply

    • mike j says:

      04:55pm | 10/06/11

      I think there should be an annual national award for the best and most useful disciplining of someone else’s child.

      Reply

    • Gladys says:

      06:04pm | 10/06/11

      Oh, thanks everyone. I appreciate your thoughts on this. He’s not a bad kid, just a little wild. And I think ladybuglauren is right. I’m not bothered by how the child (almost three) behaves, but how his mother ignores his behaviour.

      Have a good weekend.

      Reply

    • Vicki PS says:

      08:54pm | 10/06/11

      My exact approach would depend on the age of the child, but in general I would ask the child not to do whatever he was doing, with an explanation appropriate to his age.  If the behaviour continued, take the toy away from him and put it away.  If unacceptable behaviour continued, I would then ask the mother, in a low-key way, to remove the child from the play situation and keep him with her, i.e. “Shirley, Chauncey won’t stop trying to break Blissbud’s dulcimer—can you keep him with you for a while?”  If she doesn’t get a clue from that, perhaps the appropriate response would be for you to visit at HER place.

      Reply

    • deb says:

      06:50am | 11/06/11

      My husband went grocery shopping on his own,came home so upset i thought he was having a heart attack. A three year old brat in the supermarket had thrown itself in the middle of the aisle and proceeded to scream and block the way for others to get through. Mother just ignored the little monster,left to his own devices the brat got louder and tried to disrupt more shoppers.
      Husband told mother to do something with a hand across backside,you know the sort of thing,well! collar-up well dressed mother told him she would get store manager!
      All right to disrupt the whole store but home truths not allowed.
      Leave your little uncontrolled brats at home and let us shop in peace!

      Reply

    • Ruprecht the monkey boy says:

      09:16am | 11/06/11

      Discipline other peoples children? Are you kidding? Thanks to the current crop of idiot helicopter parents, I don’t so much as look at their kids.

      Reply

    • St. Michael says:

      12:14pm | 11/06/11

      Short answer, Gladys, is that you need to find some new friends.

      If your friend is not stopping her kid from damaging your property, that means your friend doesn’t respect your property either.

      People seem to have missed the part where Gladys’s friend hid something the kid had broken so Gladys wouldn’t see it.  What kind of friend breaks property and then doesn’t own up to it?

      I’m not saying it’s wrong to discipline another person’s kid, but this is more about the character of the other person than their child.

      Reply

    • Sid says:

      02:59pm | 11/06/11

      No, we went with the part where Gladys said:

      “I think she put it in there so I wouldn’t find it while she was there.”

      She said “think”

      We prefer solid evidence before making accusations.

    • St. Michael says:

      03:20pm | 13/06/11

      Not if the vast majority of “commentary” I’ve seen on the Punch is anything to go by.

    • Boogy Man says:

      04:33pm | 11/06/11

      Alternatively, isolate your child from the rest of the world so they don’t realise there’s arseholes in it.
      Some friend - you are scared to talk to your “friend” about it? What kind of relationship is that?
      I disciplined my mates young son once when he was about 5 years old. Just some stern words about how he should behave in my home. He’s been an angel ever since. He’s now 13, and always shows me and my family respect.

      Reply
 
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