Friday dilemma: playing away from home

Kay says:

11:13am | 26/11/10

Leave it alone. So many ratbag guys do this, it’s not funny. If he’s not having an obvious, full blown affair that’s visible to everyone except his wife you can’t really say anything- she may know about his activities already and be happy that he sticks around and looks after the family. I’m sure most wives in this situation have their suspicions, but choose not to say/do anything for their own private reasons.

spravotchka says:

11:13am | 26/11/10

I was once in a similar situation and told my friend, as I thought “I would want to know”. I didn’t realise that some people prefer living in denial. I never saw or heard from my friend again. What I should have done was tell the bloke “Either you tell her or I will”, as I didn’t care about losing HIS friendship!

Terry says:

11:27am | 26/11/10

It’s tough.  I once knew a guy at work who was a regular at strip clubs etc. as well as having numerous affairs.  We all knew it at the office and it was really sad to see his wife come in and visit him at work, with their baby, seemingly unaware that her husband was an asshole.  She was very sweet and trusting, you could tell.  Nobody, as far as I’m aware, ever said anything to her.  How could we?  It’s not our business.  Thing is, nobody ever said anything to him, either, which I think sometimes was wrong.  But you never know what kind of hornet’s nest that might have stirred up.  We are trained to draw this imaginary line between work/personal life but it’s not always as easy as that.  I think we have to allow ourselves room for humanity at the workplace, which might include tellingsomeone to keep his dick in his pants.

The Badger says:

11:28am | 26/11/10

If the wife and I are fussin’, brother that’s our right
‘Cause me and that sweet woman’s got a license to fight
Why don’t you mind your own business
(Mind your own business)
‘Cause if you mind your business, then you won’t be mindin’ mine.

Hank Williams jr.
Mind your business

Macca says:

11:35am | 26/11/10

Nope, he’ll get his dues soon enough. You don’t need to babysit the friend through this

hot tub political machine says:

11:37am | 26/11/10

If you do decide to let them know, you could consider the possibility of doing it anonymously.

Garth Jones says:

11:48am | 26/11/10

You should find facebook account of the guy getting the lap dance, create a fake account for yourself and write on his wall “Did I see you are the Kitty Kat Club last week getting a lap dance?”. If his security settings are set so you can’t write on the wall unless you are a friend then put a pic of a hot chick in lingerie on the fake profile and ask to be friends.

BobbyDan says:

12:01pm | 26/11/10

What happens at home stays there.

What happens outside the home stays outside too.

Mind your own business, Anonymous.

Ben says:

12:04pm | 26/11/10

Leave it.

Or if you have a spare 72 hours, follow the instructions of Garth Jones.

AdamC says:

12:07pm | 26/11/10

If you are going to say anything, you have to do it anonymously. Garth’s Facebook idea, above, is a good one. Under no circumstances should you openly intervene, it will almost certainly ruin the friendship.

You also need to consider whether this would be such a big deal to your friend as it is to you. No offence, but isn’t it a little prudish to worry about a drunken 4am lapdance? Even Kevin Rudd (possibly the nerdiest, most boring political leader in Australian history) has had one!

And, if it is the dishonesty of using the company credit card to pay for the strippers that is the issue, keep in mind the husband would have probably been right royally sozzled at the time. That is probably why the company let him get off with a warning.

All in all, I am sure he’s suitably mortified by the whole thing.

Darren says:

12:14pm | 26/11/10

I think this is the sort of ‘ethical question’ the the NSW coalition wants banned from discussion

Island View says:

12:17pm | 26/11/10

Take her out to a slap-up dinner followed by a front row seat to the Chipendales or similar - do it wtice & then send him the bill

Shane From Melbourne says:

12:27pm | 26/11/10

I’d say go for it and dob him but that’s because I’m an asshole and don’t care if I lose a friend over it. Every person’s situation is different and the only person that can make the right decision is the original poster (Anonymous).....

Jotun says:

12:36pm | 26/11/10

No dilemna. Shut it and forget it.

Prince says:

12:42pm | 26/11/10

Dont’t tell her about the lap dance just tell her about the fraud on the company credit card .... anonymously….

Cate P says:

12:58pm | 26/11/10

My advice is keep your nose out.  Just because your friend hasn’t mentioned it to you doesn’t mean she doesn’t know; they may have already sorted it between them and you mentioning you know will be absolutely mortifying for her.  If he has any sense, being found out by his employer will see the end of that behaviour, even if he hasn’t told his wife.

Herbs says:

01:06pm | 26/11/10

No one knows what agreement they have in place. Open relationships - on all different levels - are quite common these days. As much as you might think you know your friend, you don’t know if she isn’t getting a bit of excitment elsewhere too.

Mind your own business and get over this whole “cheating” myth. Monogamy is a religious/social institution and is certainly not something wired into our DNA. Many couples choose to get a bit of excitment elsewhere, whether it be a once off kiss on the dancefloor, or a full blown night with someone else. Don’t judge and get off your moral high ground please!

Jason says:

01:16pm | 26/11/10

So your friend’s marriage needs to conform to your idea of a relationship?  Leave them alone ffs… my wife has no problems with me going to a strip bar and has come along herself.  Stop assuming your morals apply to everyone else (and that all women are insecure prudes)

Renee says:

01:44pm | 26/11/10

Say something. It shows guts and morals and vales that so many guys lack now adays.

Biteme says:

01:56pm | 26/11/10

You talk to him directly and say “it had better stop otherwise I’ll have to ask your wife to pay the company back”. Better not hide it from her because one day in the future the truth always comes out. So if asked say the truth, if not asked say nothing unless your rights are impinged on.

Razor says:

02:17pm | 26/11/10

i’d be more worried about him defrauding the employer and getting sacked than anything else.

Ignoring the fraud - who’s getting hurt?

BTS says:

02:30pm | 26/11/10

Lucy,

Please tell Tory that ladies bum does not look big in that photo!

Moreton says:

02:33pm | 26/11/10

Ridiculous. How is it even slightly your business? I suggest you worry about yourself and your own affairs.

Gregg says:

02:40pm | 26/11/10

I reckon the ideas of doing something anonymously are all crap and there’s two things I would consider:
. One, you approach the dancers lap if you’re up to that, not to give them a squeeze so much but just to let him know if your friend does not know, you do not like what you have found out for you would be devastated to find your own partner was up to that kind of stuff.
If he responds with ” Oh she knows, she knows etc.” you could test that then with ” So it’s OK for me to bring that up if we are discussing about having a girls night out “.
His reaction will tell you how honest he is.
Or
. You have a think about a girls night out and it may mean a bit of acting/coaxing but then again maybe not and especially if there’s some reticent it can be ” Oh come on, the guys probably have nights on the town “
And you can one way or another and maybe not immediately steer a conversation around to sussing out what kind of things she does know about, accepts or what sort of things she would ever want to know about.

If she does know something, she’ll quite possibly come out with ” Lucy love, I know all about that” and if ” that ” ain’t quite with it, a hmmmm might raise an eyebrow and a look of concern, giving you the opening to spill.

If she is completely clueless, you are probably best to delve and explore a bit and eventually perhaps come out with something like
” If I was being played for door mat , I’d be so angry etc. etc. ” and ” I’d not be too sure whether I would want to know or not ”
” Would you think it right to tell me? “
” Would you want to know about Henry? “

It is really something pretty personal for you both as friends and friends as much as partners need to have trust in oneanother and of course you would want to be completely 110 percent sure of facts.

.

Steven says:

03:08pm | 26/11/10

Maybe you should just mind your own business, umm, what was your name again? Anonymous? Gee, there’s a few sticky beaks around with the same name as you! Are you related, or is there only one of you?

DaveinPerth says:

04:59pm | 26/11/10

In this scenario, you should ABSOLUTELY tell the wife. (Given that the lap-dancee is not ME, so anything to discredit the other males of the species makes me look better by comparison. ie. Sure I leave my clothes on the bathroom floor, but at least I’m not ....insert gold here…. )

Sure, the wife will forgive him for a pointless infraction like this. And she will eventually tell the hubby who told her. And he will hate you. And conspire against you to white-ant your friendship. And eventually you won’t have dinner over their house any more, or get invited to xmas parties, or any other social occasion for that matter. 

In fact, the ONLY way to rehabilitate yourself in his eyes, would be to sleep with him. And then you’d be stuck with the same dilemma, as to tell your friend or not?

But for my sake, I think you should be courageous and selfless and go ahead and tell her.

pavlo says:

06:18pm | 26/11/10

It’s simple.

Just mind your own business.

The thing is the strippers, the affairs, (or whatever the behaviour may be) are just the thin edge of the wedge.

I have been in the situation many times where I’ve seen people I know screwing around on their partner. Did I think about telling? Yes (for a millisecond). Did I tell? No. It’s none of my business.

In my opinion it’s best to let things take their own course. More often than not,  the truth comes out anyway, and there’s much, much more to it than just your mate’s errant behaviour on the night. Also, you can sleep well at night and keep yourself free of the whole damn messy business.

OchreBunyip says:

09:36pm | 26/11/10

it really depends on whether you know your friend as well as you think you do. I have some female friends I would tell and others I would let them find out without help from me. It isn’t about whether you would want to be told but how your friend feels about it.

John B says:

10:16pm | 26/11/10

Oh please. what’s wrong with a little lap dance.  If you really like your friend, you’ll help her husband by nuding up and jumping on his lap. Grind into his manhood and wobble your boobies in his face.  You’ll save the family money and everyone is happy

Richard B says:

01:33am | 27/11/10

None of us knows what goes on behind the closed doors of other people’s marriages.  She may know all about it, but prefer to be discreet.  Even if the wife doesn’t know, it’s none of your business to tell her, unless she is a very close friend.  Let them work it out themselves.  If she were to ask you directly, then of course you shouldn’t lie to protect him, but otherwise stay away from the whole thing.  No-one (not even the wife) will thank you for interfering.  If the wife is a close friend - and I mean really close, perhaps lifelong - then you probably wouldn’t need to be asking.

rob says:

10:25am | 27/11/10

Nude lap dances. Is there any other kind?

Robert Smissen, rural SA, God's own country says:

04:11pm | 27/11/10

If the alarm bells didn’t go off for your friend when he came home at 4:00am then she is dumber than dog-shit, she knows & doesn’t care because she’s having it off elsewhere or she is comatose, whatever the reason, it will NOT be helped by you sticking your nose in. Not only that she probably wouldn’t believe you.

Ben says:

04:14pm | 27/11/10

I hear a few people saying there’s nothing wrong with a little lap dance.

Well, I’d be pretty damn annoyed if my missus was going out, getting pissed and seeing the male strippers at 4am in the morning.

So, should you tell her? Best not to. Should you tell him? I think so, because he’s the one who has effectively put you in this awkward position.

And to all who say “mind your own business”. Maybe it’s a good idea, but that argument has its limits.

MYOB says:

07:47pm | 27/11/10

His wife is probably there with him at 4am, and he’s paying for her to have a lap dance with the company credit card!!

None of your business!

Daniel says:

01:34am | 28/11/10

If the guy is just going to the strippers then your friend doesn’t have anything to worry about. You can only look there, if the bloke does decide to touch there are some very big blokes there who will make it very clear to him via the use of “forcefull touching” the that sort of thing is frowned upon.

Dan says:

06:10am | 28/11/10

I think the suggestion of telling the friend anonymously is cowardly and is worse than telling the friend face-to-face, which I don’t think should be done at all.

It’s none of the person’s business; if her friend is going to find out, far better that she finds out on her own. If she tells her friend, not only will she be entering a situation she knows nothing about, but her friend will hate her and she’ll throw away a friendship.

That said, if she is absolutely determined to tell her friend, then she shouldn’t do so anonymously. She needs to take the consequences and be prepared to lose a friendship.

Count Reg of Upper Gumtree. says:

02:01pm | 28/11/10

No need to tell anyone anything, but if you want an ice-breaker, this conversation on economics might open his or her eyes.

In 2007, based on statistics from 18 dancers over 60 days, it was noted that female lap dancers earned the highest tips around the time of ovulation, during the most fertile period of their menstrual cycle, and the lowest tips during menstruation; the average difference in earning between these two times amounted to about $30 per hour. Women on the pill earned overall less than those not on the pill. The results were interpreted as evidence of estrus in humans: females apparently advertise their fertility status to males in some manner.[11] This find earned its authors the 2008 Ig Nobel Prize in Economics. [12]

AG says:

08:26pm | 28/11/10

But there wouldn’t be any hanky panky going on at the punch now would there Lucy?

Wandy says:

05:13pm | 07/02/12

By May 11, 2011 -  11:39 amAnne, you dtilnfeeiy need to make some centralized albums, I like watching your photos ) And I’m sure many others as well