Science is so amazing it can put an ear on a mouse and make Dolly the Sheep, and yet they still haven’t managed to make a unicorn. What’s with that?

Mmmmm tastes like virgins. Pic: Supplied by ThinkGeek

Scientists themselves have shown just how whimsical they can be – they’ve studied belly button bugs and made glow-in-the-dark cats (LOL!) and created the perfect woman (Lisa).

Why stop there? Here’s five things they should get cracking on.

1. Unicorns
Everyone likes unicorns. They’re the puppy dogs of the make-believe world but with a thing for virgins. People got quite excited recently when North Korean archaeologists announced they’d found a unicorn’s lair. When greeted with scepticism, they “reconfirmed a lair of the unicorn rode by King Tongmyong, founder of the Koguryo Kingdom” had been found.

Sure, it turned out to be a mistranslation mixed with bullshit, but still. Why not inspire awe and wonder at the powers of biotechnology by creating a horned horse - it could have the added side effect of turning Creationists onto science as unicorns feature in the Bible. Win!

2. RuddBull
If you smashed together Kevin Rudd and Malcolm Turnbull’s DNA you’d have a leader that people actually like, according to… well, Twitter. No one knows what it would be like under an uber-rich ear-wax eating leader, but apparently we want to find out. Next stop: Netanyabbas!

3. Yeti
This could be the greatest hoax since a couple of crap Royal impersonators got through a hospital switchboard. This mysterious biped has been spotted (be-watched and non-bewatched) all over the world. Make people’s dreams come true, lab guys.

4. John Faulkner
Imagine a wise veteran of the Labor Party able to see with X-Ray vision exactly what the problems of our rulers are. If only lab technicians could fuse the DNA of Sun Tzu and Yoda. Put on some enormous spectacles to enhance sincerity and whammo – surely everyone would listen and learn?

5. Drop Bears

Tricked you! They already exist, according to the Australian Museum. Go science!

What else should they do?

Comments on this post will close at 8pm AEDST.

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34 comments

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    • Cletus says:

      11:54am | 06/12/12

      It’s a squatch!!

    • Lee O Tard says:

      11:57am | 06/12/12

      The first thing we’d do after finding out we could make an animal probably would be to kill it and eat it.

    • subotic says:

      02:24pm | 06/12/12

      Robot Villager #2: With all your modern science, are you any closer to understanding the mysteries of how a robot walks and talks?

      Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Yes, you idiot! The circuit diagram is right here on the inside of your case.

      [Opens the panel on robot’s chest]

      Robot Villager #2: [closes panel] I choose to believe what I was PROGRAMMED to believe!

    • JoniM says:

      04:21pm | 06/12/12

      Yep !
      What about another goose that lays golden eggs !

    • Meph says:

      12:20pm | 06/12/12

      Invent the paperless office? Oh wait…

    • subotic says:

      12:25pm | 06/12/12

      Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: Bunk! Bunk, I say! Bring me a bag full of Bigfoot’s droppings or shut up!

      Ranger Park: I have the droppings of someone who saw Bigfoot.

      Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: Shut up!

    • John Hammond says:

      12:32pm | 06/12/12

      “What else should they do?”.

      Easy question - bring back the Dinosaurs.

      “Nah nah, nah nah nah, nah nah nah-nah nah nah nah…”

    • K^2 says:

      01:56pm | 06/12/12

      Rolling Stones will be on tour next year…same thing.

    • subotic says:

      02:16pm | 06/12/12

      Professor Hubert Farnsworth: These are the dark matter engines I invented. They allow my starship to travel between galaxies in mere hours.

      Cubert J. Farnsworth: That’s impossible. You can’t go faster than the speed of light.

      Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Of course not. That’s why scientists increased the speed of light in 2208.

      Cubert J. Farnsworth: Also impossible

      Professor Hubert Farnsworth: And what makes my engines truly remarkable is the afterburner, which delivers 200% fuel efficiency.

      Cubert J. Farnsworth: That’s especially impossible.

      Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Not at all. It’s very simple.

      Cubert J. Farnsworth: Then explain it.

      Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Now that’s impossible! It came to me in a dream, and I forgot it in another dream.

    • Esteban says:

      12:32pm | 06/12/12

      Not quite right with John Faulkner. You don’t need Xray vision to see the corruption in the ALP/union.

      Rather than xray vision what is required is a pair of testicles to enable him to speak up before quiting politics.

      By the way - Any pics of Lisa? Whi is Lisa?

    • Fiddler says:

      02:06pm | 06/12/12

      you must have missed the 80’s and the trashingly awesome “Weird Science” She is also known as Kelly LeBrock (or Seagal I believe)

    • Tator says:

      12:37pm | 06/12/12

      You forgot Bigfoot or the Sasquatch as he is otherwise known as, probably a close cousin to the Yeti.  Then again, how about a proper dragon with fiery breath.

    • Tator says:

      01:37pm | 06/12/12

      Oh oh oh, I forgot, how about a Griffen, Dr Sheldon Cooper said he could have done it had his parents gotten him the appropriate eagle egg and lion sperm.

    • Like,Totes! says:

      01:47pm | 06/12/12

      Oow, dragons, yes please! Preferably telepathic, teleporting ones we can imprint at hatching, receive their thoughts and ride!

      Want One NOW!  Haha!

    • Sheldon says:

      12:39pm | 06/12/12

      Nice article, but it needs more dragons. Perhaps scientists could look at combining the DNA of komodo dragons with an eagle or another sizeable word of prey. If they can grow an ear on a mouse, maybe they can grow wings on a dragon. If we can’t have fire-breathing dragons in this world at least let us have flying ones.

    • Sheldon says:

      01:17pm | 06/12/12

      *bird of prey! Whoops. Seems the bird really was the word.

    • Philosopher says:

      01:46pm | 06/12/12

      great, maybe we can conjure Glaurung up again… you people never learn, do you? *shakes head sorrowfully at the folly of man*

    • subotic says:

      02:17pm | 06/12/12

      The Great Wizard Greyfarn: Yes, tis a powerful object in both our worlds. If you fail to destroy it in yours, perhaps you were brought here that you might have have a second chance!

      Frydo: So this land is real?

      The Great Wizard Greyfarn: Oooh dreadfully real. If you die here you’ll really be dead. But instead of science, we believe in crazy hocus-pocus. It’s like Kansas.

      Leegola: God help us.

    • Baloo says:

      01:22pm | 06/12/12

      Can you imagine if we crossed an otter or a beaver with a duck!
      Some furry animal with with paws and swims around, but whats this? it has a bill? and it lays eggs!? oh man that would be quite strange indeed!

      Oh..wait..

    • Nathan Explosion says:

      01:22pm | 06/12/12

      Australian on tumblr all take part in the national past time of telling the rest of the world that drop bears are real.

    • Philosopher says:

      01:43pm | 06/12/12

      ‘Everyone likes unicorns. They’re the puppy dogs of the make-believe world but with a thing for virgins.’ Why does my imagination conjure up some of the perverted footage one can find on the internet? Thanks for spoiling the innocence of unicorns, Tory.

    • Bob Fett says:

      01:47pm | 06/12/12

      Lightsaber. Got me some droids to mess up.

    • Sandra says:

      02:10pm | 06/12/12

      Definitely dragons!

    • subotic says:

      02:12pm | 06/12/12

      Cubert J. Farnsworth: Your explanations are pure weapons grade balognium. It’s all impossible.

      Professor Hubert Farnsworth:   Nothing is impossible. Not if you can imagine it. That’s what being is a scientist is all about.

      Cubert J. Farnsworth:   No, that’s what being a magical elf is all about.

    • fml says:

      02:14pm | 06/12/12

      Why?

      It will all taste like chicken anyway. Wouldn’t be cheaper to just create a mold and put that kfc goo inside? You know that pink stuff that grates Jamie oliver’s goat.

    • Bitten says:

      02:43pm | 06/12/12

      Unicorns probably taste more like candy. Horse-flavoured candy.

    • Bubs says:

      02:46pm | 06/12/12

      It’s a myth that unicorns are magic, they’re just horses with horns.

    • fml says:

      02:55pm | 06/12/12

      Bitten,

      Just sprinkle your horse steak with hundreds and thousands, its a delicacy in the Netherlands… The horse steak not the hundreds and thousands..

      I agree Bubs,

      It’s an april fools joke that has been taken way, way too far.

    • Philosopher says:

      03:03pm | 06/12/12

      eating a unicorn is the worst thing you can do, it would bring you bad luck for eva! you people are SICK!!! particularly you Bubs, I hope yo go to hell for that COMMENT!!!!

    • ramases says:

      02:20pm | 06/12/12

      The RuddBull was a bit much. I would rather see the Politician. One of those extinct people who listened to the people, never lied to keep office, didn’t spend all the taxes and actually did what he or she said they would.
        Another one to reproduce would be a scientist who didn’t have to rely on Government money to stay afloat and would therefore tell the truth about what they were studying instead of quoting the party line, something like, oh I know, Climate Change.
        Another one would be a woman who didn’t like shopping, who could pass a dress shop or shoe shop without having to go inside for a look, who didn’t buy “specials” because they were cheap but never used the items bought , didn’t have to go back into a grocery store to get something that they forgot but was on the “list” after unloading everything on the checkout belt holding up the whole queue for ages whilst she searched for that elusive item.
        Another would be a teenager who actually knew how to hold a conversation without using the words “like”, You Know” and “huh” and could leave their Mobile Phones alone long enough to actually have that conversation.
        And fifth but by no means last a company that didn’t rely on a sports star, celebrity or some dweeb in a white coat or over the top voice to peddle their wares to the public and their wares actually did what they claimed.
        Now there are five things that would make this world a better place.

    • Rebecca says:

      02:31pm | 06/12/12

      I’d like to see a genetically engineered Nyan Cat available as a household pet.

    • Pattem says:

      02:50pm | 06/12/12

      The folly of such ideas (morally speaking) can be thematically explored by having a read of The Island of Dr Moreau by HG Wells.

      Ah…vivisection…just because we CAN doesn’t mean we SHOULD!

    • Audra Blue says:

      04:06pm | 06/12/12

      I would like the hover cars that I was promised when I was a child (like the ones in Fifth Element, and preferably with Bruce Willis as my driver!) or a digestive system that can cope with any number of calories from any food I like without making me fat.

    • TimB says:

      05:28pm | 06/12/12

      We were also promised hoverboard and mini pizzas that we can rehydrate to full-sized meals in seconds.

      2015 is going to be so disappointing :( .

 

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