Finger-licking good: a brief history of food sex

Food was twee, as were the shows about it. And not everybody had the high camp talent and hilarity of a Julia Child, who is being reintroduced to local audiences through the film Julie and Julia.

The British cooking icon Delia Smith may write idiot proof recipes and own a football club, but her TV presence is flat and she’s hardly a sex symbol.

Then all of a sudden food is sexy, perhaps even rock ‘n roll. Inevitably, Australia is influenced by the UK and the US, with mainly English shows making it to free to air TV.

Here’s my brief history of food sex as (eventually) seen Australian TV.

1999
The new popularity of food on TV is born. I’m talking of course of the cheeky chappy himself Jamie Oliver, styled with a naked double entendre and raw delivery style. Born on May 22, 1975, youth and his Essex banter were on his side. His dumbed down but appealing recipes have taken my mates, some of whom haven’t yet admitted their own metrosexuality, from barbecuing sausages to making Thai green curries and fresh pasta.

This is the same year that the final season of the enormously entertaining Two Fat Ladies show goes to air in the UK. They aren’t sexy but nevertheless are enormously engaging.

2000
Artful cinematography hides Nigella Lawson’s bottom on Nigella Bites while her sexy licking of various phallic foods win over the audience. Men the world over fall for her burlesque looks. 

2004
Ramsay’s Kitchen Nightmares first hits the screens. Ramsay soon is stripping topless before switching to his dental hygienist-style chef’s whites.

Bill Granger arrives on TV, and is distinguished by his pastel tops and bright white smile. A year later his show is repeated in the UK and he is now seen in some 22 countries worldwide.

2005

The UK version of Masterchef, which first went to air in 1990, in given a new contemporary format but still isn’t selling sex. The would-be chefs cook-off in heats but don’t have to pretend they want to open their own restaurant as in Australia.

Gordon Ramsay takes his naked torso to the US with Hell’s Kitchen.

Meanwhile, food writer Laura Calder starts filming 78 episodes of French Food at Home which airs on Foxtel. There are enough glimpses of her low-cut top to keep the lads’ attention after the pub’s closed.

2007

Nigella Lawson introduces a new weapon of mass sexual frustration, what I’m convinced are specially dubbed in slurping noises created with a bucket of KY Jelly and a Wellington boot. The cinematography remains artful and we are still none the wiser about her bottom.

2008

The Chopping Block begins airing on Channel 9 in February with hard-boiled Aussie chef Matt Moran (who later makes a guest appearance in Masterchef). Moran keeps his top on and presenter Catriona Rowntree is distinguished by her selection of tight singlets.

Somehow it doesn’t quite gel.

2009

Matt Preston debuts with his closet full of cravats on Masterchef Australia, with Melbourne chefs Gary Mehigan and George Calombaris. They all, and several of the contestants, become sex symbols.

Women want to plant George’s face in their bosoms and fondle his shaved head. It turns out Chris is a love rat (I met his ex via Twitter). And Poh is totally gorgeous and appears to be a lovely person too (yes, I met her too).

Even winner Julie is given a sexy makeover, which certainly involved Photoshop and possibly an angle grinder, in The Women’s Weekly.

Matt becomes the poster boy for Don’s salami and some of those paper super absorbent paper towels used to wipe up all sorts of unfortunate stains.

Channel 7 initiates its own national search among restaurant critics for its own sex on a stick presenter. I’m called to Sydney and turn up with a sock stuffed in my pants. I return home from the audition elated and with an unfortunate food stain on my trousers.

A few weeks later the news is broken that I can’t suck finger like Matt Preston. And to think I’d also been buffing my torso.

Who’s your sex on a stick on food TV?

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