If a meteor were spotted tomorrow hurtling towards the Earth, you could bet that some shirtless Mike Sorrentino clone would spend his final minutes lip-syncing Rihanna in an attempt to rake up hits before impact.
As astronauts snapped the glowing explosion with their mobiles, old people made out on the beach and random 17-year-olds concluded their wedding vows, he would grin triumphantly. “At least I’m famous,” he would say as the television turned to static and the chanting began.
At any given moment, millions of people are sprinting toward fame, with no clue as to what they’ll do if and when they finally grasp it. Encouraged by the handful of well-publicised success stories, they cheerfully upload their auto-tuned vocals, tear-streaked rants and subway dance routines.
Well, it’s time to stop. Enough. Put away the Gumby costume and stop that ironic fire-twirling. It’s exhausting. We all know it’s not impulsive and spontaneous and nobody thinks it’s cute.
Not everyone needs to be famous, even though we’ve convinced ourselves that we all deserve to be. The lonelygirl15s and Rebecca Blacks of the world have helped peddle the idea that everyone ought to publish an outlandish video on the off chance that some drooling TV exec spies it.
People launch themselves into that great internet and reality TV vortex, which spins and spins and lifts random t-shirt designers and sexy farmers into the stratosphere before slamming them into the ground and leaving them dizzy, confused and vomiting glitter uncontrollably.
Millions of people think that if they don’t find thousands of strangers to publicly acknowledge their existence, they will permanently vanish.
Twitter and Facebook, for example, are not successful because people want to hear about their friends every minute of every day. They’re successful because people want to talk about themselves endlessly, without pause.
Fame should be reserved for the extraordinary, not bestowed upon the conveniently visible. It would be far too easy, otherwise, for the extraordinary to be lost among the muck.
Mankind already ignored the first great warning, blinded by a video of a 12-year-old innocently singing and strumming a guitar. Today, we are unable to escape the glare of that walking blend of Clearasil and conditioner we call “Justin Bieber”.
While the internet is a remarkable creation that allows people and cats to share their brightest sides, a solid percentage of it is arguably devoted to indulging irritating people.
Though it has propelled a lucky - and occasionally deserving - few into stardom, YouTube is not some magic wormhole to the Playboy Mansion. It is often a giant vat of bubbling stupidity, where creatures of all shapes gather to lap at its edges and endlessly backwash.
For every clever clip or glimmer of genius - of which there are certainly many - there is a video so eye-gougingly annoying that it makes you want to fold your brain into tiny pieces of origami and cast them into the sea.
And so, let’s resist the urge to chase those fleeting 15 seconds. Our lives are no less important or entertaining if they never appear on a stranger’s laptop screen. Let’s reserve our clicks for the truly worthy and praise with caution.
Now, who wants to buy a Gumby suit and help me turn this into a YouTube video?
Facebook Recommendations
Read all about it
Punch live
Up to the minute Twitter chatter
Just reading through the replies to @KRuddMP - mostly supportive, but some appalling abuse from people who disagree
KRudd's support for gay marriage a personal shift but it has political consequences. http://t.co/fdQUIcaJfR
RT @ToryShepherd: Onya, @KRuddMP“@newscomauHQ: BREAKING: Kevin Rudd has come out in support of same sex marriage: http://t.co/CFaHrxyV5G”
RT @newscomauHQ: BREAKING: Kevin Rudd has come out in support of same sex marriage: http://t.co/2KEO6yEx5F
Recent posts
The latest and greatest
The Punch is moving house
Good morning Punchers. After four years of excellent fun and great conversation, this is the final post…
Will Pope Francis have the vision to tackle this?
I have had some close calls, one that involved what looked to me like an AK47 pointed my way, followed…
Advocating risk management is not “victim blaming”
In a world in which there are still people who subscribe to the vile notion that certain victims of sexual…
Nosebleed Section
choice ringside rantings
From: Hasbro, go straight to gaol, do not pass go
Tim says:
They should update other things in the game too. Instead of a get out of jail free card, they should have a Dodgy Lawyer card that not only gets you out of jail straight away but also gives you a fat payout in compensation for daring to arrest you in the first place. Instead of getting a hotel when you… [read more]From: A guide to summer festivals especially if you wouldn’t go
Kel says:
If you want a festival for older people or for families alike, get amongst the respectable punters at Bluesfest. A truly amazing festival experience to be had of ALL AGES. And all the young "festivalgoers" usually write themselves off on the first night, only to never hear from them again the rest of… [read more]Gentle jabs to the ribs
Superman needs saving
Can somebody please save Superman? He seems to be going through a bit of a crisis. Eighteen months ago,… Read more
Most commented