Are you gonna take me home tonight?
Ah down beside that red firelight?
Are you gonna let it all hang out?
Fat bottomed girls you make the rockin’ world go round. - Queen, 1978
My name’s Joe Hildebrand and I like fat chicks.* My best friend Byron likes fat chicks. My other best friend Matt likes fat chicks. My other best friend Darrin is actually fat himself. Even Queen likes fat chicks, and they’re all gay.
Yet fat chicks seem to think that nobody likes them at all.
Much of this can be blamed on the fashion industry, which presents the ideal woman as a waifish figure with no breasts, no arse and, for that matter, no personality. I find this particularly insulting, given that breasts and arses are my favourite parts of a woman, followed closely by her personality.
So if – as it is widely agreed by my mother – I am the most desirable sort of chap for any sensible girl, why does the fashion industry persist with telling women that they have to be bean poles if they want to marry up? I have researched this area carefully and come up with a few clues.
One is that according to my investigations fashion designers all tend to be gay men or straight women. It strikes me as rather interesting that in trying to work out how to make themselves attractive women seek the advice of the only two groups of people in the world who aren’t attracted to them. Obviously this will not do wonders for one’s self esteem.
Another issue is that the women’s magazines who feature the stick-thin models are all run by normal sized women. This is in part due to the obvious fact that the models themselves can’t run a magazine because they don’t know how to read. However I suspect there is also something more sinister at play. One obviously has to be quite smart to run a magazine and if you’re smart enough to run a magazine you’re probably smart enough to know that most men like a bit of rack and crack. If they can trick all the other women into wasting away they get more blokes for themselves. Diabolical isn’t it?
Then there is the strange truism that women don’t actually dress for men in the first place – at least not outside of the Cronulla Leagues Club. Generally speaking women dress more to impress other women and feel good about themselves than they do to attract the opposite sex. You can tell this because women often spend hundreds of dollars on an elegant dress or a pair of shoes no man will even notice. This wins compliments from the gals and the wearer can feel safe in the approval of her peers as well as knowing that if one of them gets in her way she can stab them in the eye with a stiletto. Thus the delicate female ecosystem of insecurity and ruthlessness is kept in harmony.
If women actually did dress to attract men none of this would be necessary. They would all simply look like Daisy Duke.+ And of course if they do that they risk the disapproval of their peers and thus being attacked by the aforementioned stiletto. This can also lead to feelings of isolation and sadness. A rather vampish ex-girlfriend of mine once captured this in a single heartbreaking sentence when, while over-applying her make up in a pub bathroom, she remarked to a friend: “Why do I do it to myself?”^
And so perhaps women try to keep themselves rakish not so much in the deluded belief that they will be more attractive to men but in an effort to keep pace with their equally unhappy sisterhood, who are also teetering through life looking mournfully at shopfront cakes.
It is a sorrowful existence and one that deserves some emancipation. Thankfully the will is there. As a friend of mine once said very sweetly: “Don’t you just love it how girls say ‘Am I fat?’ and you say ‘Nah, you’re not fat at all’ and give them a little slap on their fat arse.” It made me smile, it made him smile and it even made the girl smile, even though she had no idea what was going on.
So cheer up everybody and let’s all get some ice cream.
*I also like skinny chicks, tall chicks, short chicks, black chicks, white chicks and Asian chicks but let’s deal with these issues one at a time.
+For irrefutable proof of this consider the difference between men’s and women’s preferred responses to the question “Is this see-through?”
^The answer to this question turned out to be “Because I am completely @#$%ing psychotic” but this was unknown at the time.
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