Update - October 27, 2010: Another one bites the dust. Sadly this morning it was announced Paul the German octopus, who was responsible for the the humiliation of all creatures great and small after his psychic performance during the World Cup, has died. We have reposted the following in honour of dead psychic octopi everywhere.

This is the sickening non-human toll of Saturday’s election - a psychic octopus which has literally worked itself to death trying to determine whether Labor or the Coalition will form government.

I understand Coorangamite is back in play

Its last words were “No I don’t know what the postal votes are doing in Boothby” and then simply: “F**k this for a joke.”

The octopus is just one of many innocent creatures from the animal world enlisted by a callous and unthinking media to make election predictions in what now ranks as the most hackneyed and unfunny gimmick since changing the words to Hitler’s “Downfall” video.

Over the past five weeks animals which have been subjected to this vile treatment include the Adelaide Zoo pandas, a crocodile at a Darwin wildlife park, a couple of yabbies and any number of octopi which were compelled to copy the antics of Paul the Psychic Octopus, who was worked into the ground by cruel Germans during the soccer World Cup. 

The octopus featured above had initially tipped a narrow victory, then amended its tip in week two following the Rudd leaks to say the Coalition could govern in its own right. It then picked a hung parliament last Friday, declared itself quietly confident early Saturday that Labor could sneak home, then reversed its position and said the Coalition was back in the hunt after it saw the early results from Hasluck started coming through at 8.30pm. It spent most of yesterday listening to Bob Katter’s press conference and trying to fathom Rob Oakeshott’s call for “a new politics” before finally expiring just before 5pm.

At the time of its death it had been planning a new career in political journalism.

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32 comments

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    • Steve says:

      06:12am | 25/08/10

      As the human race rushes towards the abyss it makes sense to turn to the animal kingdom for intelligent, unbiased commentary.  An animal as smart as an octopus would be wasted in journalism.

    • Jon says:

      08:51am | 25/08/10

      Thank you Steve, journalist spend most of their effort writing about deck chairs on the Titanic.

    • mike wilkins says:

      07:40am | 25/08/10

      Well thats politics for you at least it died of natural causes instead of a knife in the back

    • Trolldoll says:

      02:06pm | 25/08/10

      In politics a knife in the back is “natural causes”!

    • Rosie says:

      08:21am | 25/08/10

      Democracy at work! Patience is needed without anxiety! Would help if the media would just give us some reassurance that the our politicians will do what is right for the country and its citizens. That we can trust them to make good fair judgement in working out good governance for us all.

    • Brian Taylor says:

      12:10pm | 25/08/10

      good point Rosie but truthfully, when has ANY poltician ever done anything except line their own pockets? such as the SERCET payrise that’s just been brought to our attention in todays news
      and as for trusting them to make good & fair judgement in working out good governance for us all.
      that I’m afraid is a pipe dream, nice dream true, but none the less a pipe dream

    • Joolz says:

      09:52am | 25/08/10

      They used to cut open the gut of an ox and read the entrails to see the future. I’m so pleased we’ve moved on and become the sophisticated society we are today.

    • jhamiltonwa says:

      09:55am | 25/08/10

      I’m too young to have been educated properly but I think the plural of octopus is octopuses as it is derived from a Greek and not a Latin word.

      I remember watching an episode of “Drop The Dead Donkey” where it turned out some journos dipped a cormorant in an oil slick to make a news photo. I hope you don’t have this octopus’s ink on your hands

    • sasha says:

      05:00pm | 27/10/10

      No, it’s octopi.

    • Once was a Global Warming Alarmist says:

      10:34am | 25/08/10

      How do you tell if an Octopus is male or female?

      Does the number of times it changes it’s mind make a difference?

    • David Penberthy

      David Penberthy says:

      12:47pm | 25/08/10

      You can usually tell by its outfits.

    • Dan says:

      11:02am | 25/08/10

      Sorry Steve, I have to disagree with one thing you said- the skit using Hitler’s Downfall video was one of the funniest things I’ve seen this year or indeed any election year.  It was a classic- and I know I’m not the only one who laughed himself silly over it.

    • Rod J'That says:

      11:22am | 25/08/10

      This should be a warning to all those other animal charlatans trying to cash in on the success of ‘Paul the Octopus’.  I say place its head on a stick at Taronga Zoo in full view of the fairy penguins, and cast its legs to the eight half-corners of the globe so that animals everywhere tremble.

    • Brian Taylor says:

      12:05pm | 25/08/10

      At the time of its death it had been planning a new career in political journalism…I bet he would have done a much better job than a lot of the so-called expert jouros lol
      well written

    • Moggy says:

      12:48pm | 25/08/10

      You’re all wrong!! I know for a fact that Paul the Octopus was planning a career in politics…not as a predictor but as a politician. Use ya brains guys…he hand eight hands to get into the treasury coffers with & not two. I mean to say, wouldn’t you do the same if you were such a genius & had eight palms to be greased???

    • Brian Taylor says:

      04:25pm | 25/08/10

      lol had to laugh thanks and you’re quite right

    • Mike says:

      01:13pm | 25/08/10

      There’a story going around that some lads out west tried to get a cow to pick the election result by defecating on a picture of either Gillard or Abbott. Apparently the cow proved itself an astute political observer by defecating on both pictures. I cant think of a better comment on this whole election.

    • Bob the Builder says:

      05:10am | 26/08/10

      Sounds like a lot of bullsh** to me… wink))  but must admit, as an appropriate form of candidate selection in the last election, the idea does have a lot of merit.

    • Chris G says:

      02:44pm | 25/08/10

      Great headline - just checked in at The Punch for the first time today, and after hearing the three independents pontificating on the radio I was feeling somewhat down about our national predicament. It’s always a great thing to generate laughter - thanks Roger

    • stephen says:

      07:14pm | 25/08/10

      Pickled, and feed him to the Greens.

    • Fintan says:

      03:55pm | 01/09/10

      Bob Katter shot it

    • Ed Balls says:

      03:20pm | 03/09/10

      I thought the plural of octopus was octopii,but who cares?

      Ed Balls,aka The Seer of Summerland Point

    • James N says:

      03:40pm | 27/10/10

      It’s actually grammatically acceptable to say octopi, octopuses, or octopods.

    • Peter says:

      02:56pm | 27/10/10

      Saw it coming!

    • TheRealDave says:

      03:09pm | 27/10/10

      I bet he never saw it coming….

    • The Badger says:

      03:19pm | 27/10/10

      I have a weimaraner that enjoys sucking on stuffed toys.

      He was a “rescue” dog, so I don’t know what the underlying issues are.

      Anyway, we had recently given him a stuffed rabbit to do with as he pleased.
      The night before the independents gave their vote to labor, he ripped the head off of his stuffed rabbott.

      Coincidence?

    • Kate says:

      03:21pm | 27/10/10

      I miss him so much. Taken so young, aged 2.

    • Gregg says:

      03:33pm | 27/10/10

      RIP Paul,
      Those bloody independents spread the stress a bit too far.
      Maybe we could have a minutes silence for you in the house and a certain MP may get labelled an Oakesapussy! and then there could be Winapussy but that might be a bit difficult

    • Matt says:

      03:38pm | 27/10/10

      i guess that’s the first thing paul didn’t see coming

    • Gregg says:

      04:09pm | 27/10/10

      Don’t know about that Matt, maybe the tentacles were wiffering, cups didn’t have the same sucking capacity but he probably didn’t have to think of deep fried Calamari.

    • dfr says:

      05:38pm | 27/10/10

      we always kill what we love.

    • Sam Chowder says:

      05:54pm | 27/10/10

      I’m sure I saw him today in the High Street, with Elvis

 

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