EXCLUSIVE: The bin Laden tapes
In yet another extraordinary exclusive, The Punch has obtained a transcript of the last minutes of Osama bin Laden, his wife Amal and courier Abu in his Pakistani compound…
AMAL: (Sigh…) Well I guess it’s another night in.
OSAMA: What’s that supposed to mean?
AMAL: Oh nothing. It’s just that we never seem to go out anymore.
OSAMA: Honey, we’ve been through this.
AMAL: I know, I know. We just never seem to do things like we used to. Remember that night at Tora Bora?
OSAMA: The one in the cave?
AMAL: They were all in the cave.
OSAMA: Oh yeah, that’s right.
AMAL: Just the two of us…
OSAMA: And Abu.
AMAL: Oh yes, and Abu.
OSAMA: How did you say you two met again?
AMAL: He was, er, a friend of the family. The point is we were so much freer then.
OSAMA: You said you hated the cave. You kept asking when we were going to Dubai.
AMAL: I wanted to go indoor skiing.
OSAMA: I took you outdoor skiing that winter.
AMAL: That was only because Mossad were chasing us.
OSAMA: Still counts.
AMAL: And you never buy me anything anymore.
OSAMA: I told you, I can’t go to the shops with the place surrounded by armed Pakistani soldiers.
AMAL: I thought they were supposed to shoot your enemies?
OSAMA: Yes but they’re Pakistani. They’ll miss.
AMAL: You could order something online.
OSAMA: We don’t have the internet.
AMAL: Oh yeah. Bloody NBN.
ABU (rushing in): Hey boss, there’s someone at the door.
OSAMA: Who is it?
ABU: It’s a kid who says he kicked a football over the fence and wants to get it back.
OSAMA: So give it to him.
ABU: I don’t know, boss. I’m a bit suspicious about this one.
OSAMA: How come?
ABU: Well for one thing he looks a bit old for a kid.
OSAMA: They grow up fast these days. And?
ABU: And for another he’s flying a helicopter.
OSAMA: You see, that’s the problem with the world these days. Kids get everything they ask for. “I want this! I want that! I want a Blackhawk!’’ In my day all we had to play with was a stick and we were grateful for that.
AMAL: I thought your parents were millionaires?
OSAMA: Okay, so it was a big stick. Point is kids today are spoilt rotten. Am I right?
AMAL (rolls her eyes): Yes dear.
ABU: Er, boss? The helicopter at the door?
OSAMA: Oh yeah. Give it its ball back.
ABU: Um, yes sir.
OSAMA (to AMAL): See? I told you we didn’t need all this land. It’s just a nuisance more than anything else – you try mowing the lawns and see how you like it. And as for that real estate agent, I mean seriously. You call this place a mansion?
Suddenly there is the sound of gunfire and OSAMA is cut off. After it stops an American voice is heard talking to AMAL.
AMERICAN: Are you alright ma’am? You seem upset.
AMAL: Oh I’m okay. It’s just that I hate it when he brings his work home with him.
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