In yet another extraordinary exclusive, The Punch has obtained a transcript of the last minutes of Osama bin Laden, his wife Amal and courier Abu in his Pakistani compound…

Who said the old glass on the wall trick isn't effective? Trained eyes can spot Joe standing outside Osama's mansion in the Pakistani hills. He's the one in white. You can't see the glass.

AMAL: (Sigh…) Well I guess it’s another night in.

OSAMA: What’s that supposed to mean?

AMAL: Oh nothing. It’s just that we never seem to go out anymore.

OSAMA: Honey, we’ve been through this.

AMAL: I know, I know. We just never seem to do things like we used to. Remember that night at Tora Bora?

OSAMA: The one in the cave?

AMAL: They were all in the cave.

OSAMA: Oh yeah, that’s right.

AMAL: Just the two of us…

OSAMA: And Abu.

AMAL: Oh yes, and Abu.

OSAMA: How did you say you two met again?

AMAL: He was, er, a friend of the family. The point is we were so much freer then.

OSAMA: You said you hated the cave. You kept asking when we were going to Dubai.

AMAL: I wanted to go indoor skiing.

OSAMA: I took you outdoor skiing that winter.

AMAL: That was only because Mossad were chasing us.

OSAMA: Still counts.

AMAL: And you never buy me anything anymore.

OSAMA: I told you, I can’t go to the shops with the place surrounded by armed Pakistani soldiers.

AMAL: I thought they were supposed to shoot your enemies?

OSAMA: Yes but they’re Pakistani. They’ll miss.

AMAL: You could order something online.

OSAMA: We don’t have the internet.

AMAL: Oh yeah. Bloody NBN.

ABU (rushing in): Hey boss, there’s someone at the door.

OSAMA: Who is it?

ABU: It’s a kid who says he kicked a football over the fence and wants to get it back.

OSAMA: So give it to him.

ABU: I don’t know, boss. I’m a bit suspicious about this one.

OSAMA: How come?

ABU: Well for one thing he looks a bit old for a kid.

OSAMA: They grow up fast these days. And?

ABU: And for another he’s flying a helicopter.

OSAMA: You see, that’s the problem with the world these days. Kids get everything they ask for. “I want this! I want that! I want a Blackhawk!’’ In my day all we had to play with was a stick and we were grateful for that.

AMAL: I thought your parents were millionaires?

OSAMA: Okay, so it was a big stick. Point is kids today are spoilt rotten. Am I right?

AMAL (rolls her eyes): Yes dear.

ABU: Er, boss? The helicopter at the door?

OSAMA: Oh yeah. Give it its ball back.

ABU: Um, yes sir.

OSAMA (to AMAL): See? I told you we didn’t need all this land. It’s just a nuisance more than anything else – you try mowing the lawns and see how you like it. And as for that real estate agent, I mean seriously. You call this place a mansion?

Suddenly there is the sound of gunfire and OSAMA is cut off. After it stops an American voice is heard talking to AMAL.

AMERICAN: Are you alright ma’am? You seem upset.

AMAL: Oh I’m okay. It’s just that I hate it when he brings his work home with him.

Most commented


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    • Mensur Cehic says:

      06:12am | 06/05/11


    • Alan Pevie says:

      08:38am | 06/05/11

      if it wasn’t serious it would be very funny. Very funny.

    • Paul says:

      09:31am | 06/05/11

      LOL. ‘still counts…’. Ha ha ha!

    • FWG says:

      09:55am | 06/05/11

      I realy like this L.O.L

    • forrest says:

      10:35am | 06/05/11

      heard a funny the other day that the pakistani army could have caught osama with a acme magnet he so close beep beep!

    • Christine says:

      10:45am | 06/05/11

      I actually thought you did have some big exclusive ........ der ........ funny though!

    • Phil says:

      10:54am | 06/05/11

      Apparently Osama’s last phone call was to a 24hr plummer.  He thought there was a seal about to burst in his bedroom.

    • Sad Sad Reality says:

      11:02am | 06/05/11

      The fact that you draw an income for this uninspired, broad and safe Dreck, Joe, proves there is no god.

    • Chester says:

      02:45pm | 08/05/11

      Right on the money.

    • Blind Freddy says:

      11:08am | 06/05/11

      Imagine how funny this would have been if it had been written by someone who was funny.

    • Traxster says:

      11:10am | 06/05/11

      Don’t give up your day job !!

    • TheRealDave says:

      11:13am | 06/05/11

      Okay, so it was a big stick. - gold!

    • Null and Void says:

      11:30am | 06/05/11

      This could have been funnier… just kidding. This is great!

    • Carl Palmer says:

      11:34am | 06/05/11

      Sounds like a conversation I had with my wife the other night.

    • Likes Joining Dots says:

      08:20pm | 06/05/11

      @Carl Palmer

      It’s funny how that works. I’m saving the “still counts” rebuttal for future discussions with my other half.

    • Notamused says:

      12:09pm | 06/05/11

      I did not understand this whole story?? Maybe I am a bit too obviously was not funny for me.

    • n_dude says:

      01:05pm | 06/05/11

      Courtesy of David Letterman:
      Top Ten Final Words Of Osama bin Laden

      10.“My horoscope says ‘Big surprises are in store’”
      9.“See, this is why I normally don’t answer the door”
      8.“The one time I give my bodyguards a day off to go to the zoo…”
      7.“What on earth could be interrupting ‘Celebrity Apprentice’?”
      6.“I hear Brian Williams is on Dave to discuss my imminent demise”
      5.“At least I’ll be reunited with my dear departed friend Jack LaLanne”
      4.“I’m not sure I want to live in a world where ‘Fast Five’ is the #1 movie” 3.“Any man with multiple wives welcomes death. Am I right, fellas?”
      2.“I need a house full of Navy SEALs like I need a hole in the head”
      1.“Oh, crap!”

    • St. Michael says:

      01:23pm | 06/05/11

      More proof that the Twitterverse is funnier than Dave Letterman.

    • Pete says:

      01:20pm | 06/05/11

      It’s idiotic rubbish like this, which will fuel more conflict.  I used to think of terrorists holding hostages in videos or crowds celebrating when something happened against the west that we were not like that.
      I was wrong, we arent any different.

    • Vote Quimby says:

      02:04pm | 06/05/11

      We in the west don’t behead someone innocent because the West wouldn’t free a friend/brother/associate, We in the west don’t cut off someones hand because they steal, We in the west don’t celebrate the death of thousands of innocent civilians, We WILL though in the West celebrate the death of a monster who caused those thousands of deaths!

    • Harquebus says:

      01:22pm | 06/05/11

      The worst of misleading headlines. Get stuffed.

    • Alun says:

      01:27pm | 06/05/11

      you are not funny i really hope you do not have a degree from a university as it is being wasted with jokes like this you might be better off as a window cleaner at traffic lights

    • michael j says:

      01:35pm | 06/05/11

      wouldn’t somethink like’‘get out of the bitch,i’ve got me 70 virgin’s on the way,,
      don’t miss Yankee scum,,,,be more appropriate ?

    • Ebev says:

      01:59pm | 06/05/11

      Good effort…but not that funny.

    • christine m. says:

      03:40pm | 08/05/11

      What’s wrong with people?  Of course it’s funny.  (But I see Malcolm Fraser’s name below - what’s he got to do with it)

    • bob says:

      03:30pm | 06/05/11

      Awesome piece.

      It is as funny as cancer. 

      It is smelly lefty hipsters like ths Mr Hildebrand that demonstrate how low this country has sunk since Malcolm Fraser ran things. Bring back National Service. This would stop the moustached belgian beer drinking metrosexualists infecting us with their marxist dross.

      As a shareholder of News Corp shares I intend to enquire in the benefit to shareholders of the employment of these sorts of people at the next AGM. They likely only copy the funniest quotes they can find from yahoo or myfacebook.

    • stephen says:

      03:48pm | 06/05/11

      Listen sport, are you one those shareholder dickheads who rocks up to an AGM in a cravat and leisuremasters plus hushpuppies and sits further back, (they reckon the more shares yer have the further from the CEO spittle yer sit) and tilt her head ter one side, arms folded, sneering, demanding answers from the Chairman of the Board, (inferring, of course, that i or anyone of my second wife’s kids could do a better job of raising my dividend) as to why this country has sunk so low since Fraser pants went (also) south ?

    • Joe Hildebrand says:

      03:51pm | 06/05/11

      In my defence, cancer can be pretty funny.

    • michael j says:

      05:07pm | 06/05/11

      Only if you have it joe

    • kate says:

      08:40am | 08/05/11

      i though it was pretty bloody funny. i dont think news corp employs marxists. can you write anotherone joe about the acting needed to stage the sit room pics with everyone looking worried while they looked at the wall?

    • Maria Hawthorne says:

      04:27pm | 06/05/11

      In Joe’s defence, I have never seen him drink Belgian beer. He’s more of a pinot gris type of guy.

    • Kathy says:

      04:54pm | 06/05/11

      This was good Joe, but not as funny as watching the usual holier than thou types turning themselves inside out to be all PC about bin Laden…of all people.

    • Ancient Mariner says:

      08:17am | 09/05/11

      You said it! That is truly the hilarious part.

    • Rob W says:

      05:11pm | 06/05/11

      Hasn’t Donald Trump asked for the tapes?

    • michael j says:

      07:02pm | 06/05/11

      YES well it is a bit long and drawn out,doesn’t add anythink new to the conversation,,lets face it ,we all know Afghanistan fought well against the Soviets,in the 80 s USA weapons,?of course
      THE C.I.A. financed wars and supplied weapons all over the world,,going back to the Bay of Pigs ‘‘Cuba’‘,,, in Libya now aren’t they,?was on TV
      were the rumours of guns for drugs in Asian hotspots,n, Vietnam true ?
      are the deals being done with warlords in Afghan at the same level ?
      CIA planed or found the info on bin laden didn’t they?
      didn’t one of their agents kill two Pakistanis 6 weeks and only got out cause they gave the dead mens family’s lots of dollars,,
      Bin Laden had to be killed cause he knew to much,,
      Maybe the CIA found out Pakistan doesn’t have any nukes and they bin bluffing India for years so they gave binny to the USA to keep the secret ,,
      40 minutes of machine-gun fire and no -one from the military base 800meters away even went to look,,yeah-rite,,
      as Louis Armstrong said ‘‘it’s a wonderful world’’

    • The Vivid Writer says:

      09:41pm | 06/05/11

      @michael J

      What conversation? “Calling Bullshit” on whether Bin Hidin’ is still alive?


    • michael j says:

      04:09am | 07/05/11

      @TVW-of course binny’s dead the CIA don’t make mistakes ,they just change sides at times,,

    • Helish says:

      07:59pm | 06/05/11

      ooh Joe - “it’s too soon”  Apparently ...judging from some of the comments

    • Govt@FauxCitizen says:

      11:28pm | 07/05/11

      That’s bullshit Joe I’ve got the real tapes, Bin Laden was discussing going straight and opening a coffee shop with his wife,  the Bin Latte’ was going to be his signature cuppa,  the head’s got a pure white top with two shots in it. See,, ideas and dreams can become reality.

    • LC says:

      11:43pm | 07/05/11

      This made for a good laugh!

    • Colin says:

      04:39pm | 08/05/11

      I wonder if the hundreds of thousands of innocent, homeless, burnt and severely maimed Iraqi men, women and children (including infants) who suffered at the hands so of the USA invasion would find this funny?

    • jim says:

      03:39pm | 13/05/11

      Was that a joke?Is was more like the humor of a 14 year old.YOUR the joke.Now Govt@FauxCitizen’s comment was VERY funny.


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