I was shocked to learn this week that infighting had broken out amongst the Greens, largely because I was under the impression they were pacifists.

But yet again I was wrong. The Greens have apparently had an internal falling out over their poor showing in the NSW election result. I didn’t believe it myself until I unearthed this secret recording of the Greens’ first ever full-blown factional war….
CONVENOR: Okay, is everybody here? There are still a few empty seats.
JAMIE PARKER: Well you did book a table for two.
CONVENOR: We were more optimistic back then. I knew we shouldn’t have blown the polling budget on East Timorese macramé.
SARAH HANSON-YOUNG: I’m sewing a Peace Train.
LEE RHIANNON: Is this the right room for the revolution?
BOB BROWN: Lee, I told you to shut up about that.
LEE (under breath): Capo-fascist.
FIONA BYRNE: Hi everybody. Where’s the rotating chair?
CONVENOR: I’m right here.
FIONA: No, I mean the chair that rotates. Sometimes I need to change position very quickly.
IMRE SALUSINSZKY: Tell me about it.
CONVENOR: Er, Imre, are you sure you’re meant to be here?
IMRE: Sorry, I just saw the word ``Green’’ on the door and thought I’d relive the Seventies.
JAMIE: Speaking of weed that makes you horny, can someone get Fairfax off my back? I thought that was supposed to be taken care of.
CONVENOR: Sorry, we were more worried about the Telegraph.
JAMIE: The Telegraph? Have you ever been to Balmain? They don’t even sell them there. The tabloid stand is for Green Left Weekly.
LEE: That right-wing rag.
CONVENOR: The Tele?
LEE: No, Green Left Weekly. Way too soft.
SARAH: Speaking of weed that makes you hungry, did anyone bring some food?
CONVENOR: Let me see. We have vegetarian, vegan, vegequarian, freegan, halal and… oh yes, kosher.
FIONA: That’s it, I’m boycotting this meeting.
IMRE: I’ll have the last one thanks.
BOB: Jesus Fiona, can you knock that off?
FIONA: He’s a dirty Jew too.
BOB: Who? Imre?
FIONA: No, Jesus.
LEE: Jesus doesn’t exist.
FIONA: Neither does the state of Israel.
BOB: That reminds me, can someone explain to me why we almost got Pauline Hanson elected?
CONVENOR: Er, that was a bit of a muck up. You see we started a Twitter campaign with the message ``Issues such as the not negotiating on carbon tax, free dental care for the rich and boycotting Israel are vitally important so elect Hanson Young.’’
BOB: And…?
CONVENOR: And it was 146 characters.
BOB: So you cut it to ``Elect Hanson’’???
CONVENOR: Well the caucus took a vote and we decided the other issues were all too important to leave out.
BOB: I am going to kill somebody.
LEE: Warmonger!
BOB: That’s it. I’m leaving.
JAMIE: Hey, we should start our own faction and call ourselves ``The Sensibles’’.
SARAH: What’ll we call Bob?
JAMIE: I dunno. The Other Guy?
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