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Exclusive! FIFA bemused by our AFL obsession

Anthony Sharwood

by Anthony Sharwood

03 Jul 05:40am

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Filed under: Afl, Satire, Sport, World Cup

48 comments

With World Cup fever gripping the globe, a top-ranking FIFA official says he is stunned that Australia’s AFL season continues to thrive.

You wouldn't see Tony Liberatore carry on like this Brazilian nance Rivaldo. Photo: AFP

“It’s as though the masses in Australia’s southern states are oblivious to the fact that the world’s biggest sporting event is now in its cut-throat final phase,” the official told this website.

“Football is the world’s most popular sport, yet still 80,000 fans fill your Melbourne Croquet Ground to watch the strange game of ALF.

“Did I mention that football is the world’s most popular sport and that the World Cup is the largest sporting event on the face of the earth?” the official added.

The official is closely monitoring our sporting landscape in the leadup to the 2022 World Cup bid decision, and admits he struggles to comprehend the appeal of Australia’s indigenous game.

“Just last week, I heard a commentator praise Eastern Bulldogs forward Mitch Hahn for ‘keeping his feet’ after contesting a mark. In our game, a player who loses possession will fall to the ground, writhing as though being ingested by a boa constrictor, until he is inevitably awarded a free kick.

“Yet Hahn stayed on his feet, regathered the bouncing ball and calmly slotted it through the large sticks.”

The official was much more impressed by last week’s brilliant Lance Franklin goal, now a clear front-runner for AFL Goal of the Year.

“He bounced the ball with his hands four times, then scored. That’s three more bounces than Thierry Henry took before France scored that wonderful goal against Ireland in World Cup qualifying.

“Very impressive. We would welcome the participation of your Biddy Franklin at the 2014 FIFA World Cup.”

Despite his appreciation of Franklin’s skills, the official remains generally bewildered by AFL’s broad appeal.

“I am as confused as if I had just debated the issue of homosexuality with Jason Akermanis and Sam Newman,” the official said. “Your game actively encourages and rewards skill, initiative, athleticism and enterprise. Our game rewards cynicism and tactical stalemates.

“Clearly this is why your game is confined to your democratic land, while the beautiful game of football is revered in such forward-looking nations as Saudi Arabia and North Korea.”

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48 comments

Show oldest | newest first

    • Seano says:

      07:59am | 03/07/10

      “80,000 fans fill your Melbourne Croquet Ground”

      AFL does love it’s propoganda.

      The reasons no one is watching the world cup here is that are that the games are on at really bad times and Australia are out.

      Reply

    • Ben81 says:

      05:12pm | 03/07/10

      lol, got some point to make about crowd attendance Seano?

    • dan says:

      08:09am | 03/07/10

      Lame…Typical AFL defensiveness. It doesn’t seem to matter what the sport is. They’d feel the need to make statements against European Handball or Chess if they started getting some of their tv share….

      Reply

    • S.L says:

      08:24am | 03/07/10

      Very funny Anthony and seriously Melbournians are the biggest sport supporters in the country but what else is there to do down there?

      Reply

    • T.Chong says:

      09:12am | 03/07/10

      AFL is ALMOST as good as Rugby, and both are almost , but not quite as good as Rugby League.”(Great Tigers win over the Broncos)
      Soccer doesnt even rate a mention.
      Saw the” FIFA-land”  recently during a trip to Sydneys Darling Harbor - a barren waste ground, with some well meaning, but very bored crowd “marshals “with no crowd to marshal.
      Sad truth Soccer Australia, other than for the 4 yrly circus very few Aussie sports fans give a rats about the ” worlds game. “.

      Reply

    • Rugby League IS a no brainer says:

      08:44am | 05/07/10

      Rugby and AFL are not as good as Rugby League? What are you smoking???

      Although I’m not a avid supporter of any AFL team, the professionalism of both Rugby and AFL codes makes the NRL look as though its run by three tuck shop ladies and a P&C committee.

    • Justin says:

      09:31am | 03/07/10

      I know it’s tongue in cheek, but it’s funny ‘cause it’s true.

      Reply

    • Macca says:

      09:34am | 03/07/10

      Soo… the sports administrators of this great game only view the world through their own insular bubble. What sport are we talking about again?

      Reply

    • thatmosis says:

      09:45am | 03/07/10

      And what makes AFL a lot better is the refs seem to know what they are doing unlike the World Game Refs whom think the game revolves around them. What I’m waiting to see is who will be chosen to appear for the World Game at the Olypics in the Diving Competition and who gets the Academy Award for best Dive of the Cup

      Reply

    • BMJ says:

      10:28am | 03/07/10

      Is that all you got Anthony?

      Going hard at football is an admission on your part that the egg ball codes are sliding.

      I love it.

      Reply

    • Gregg says:

      01:10pm | 03/07/10

      I thought there was much more than enough BMJ in
      ” “Just last week, I heard a commentator praise Eastern Bulldogs forward Mitch Hahn for ‘keeping his feet’ after contesting a mark. In our game, a player who loses possession will fall to the ground, writhing as though being ingested by a boa constrictor, until he is inevitably awarded a free kick.

      “Yet Hahn stayed on his feet, regathered the bouncing ball and calmly slotted it through the large sticks.”

      The official was much more impressed by last week’s brilliant Lance Franklin goal, now a clear front-runner for AFL Goal of the Year. “

      You do have to admit that there’s a touch of excitement for the players when a ball bounces over the net line by a clear half metre and is missed by the ref and then the crowd has a real swarming bees vevezula or whatever buzz but would you go all the way there to either stay in a barbed wire surrounded tent city or risk being plundered in a hotel!
      The egg ball codes sliding?
      We’re not the lucky country because of rainfall you know!

    • BMJ says:

      09:29am | 05/07/10

      Gregg Gregg Gregg,

      Football’s imperfections are its strength.

    • Jon says:

      11:13am | 03/07/10

      What’s not to like!

      No draws, no penalty shoot outs, no diving, no offside rule, results based ability and skill. All the money stays in Australia, not to line the greasy pockets of corrupt FIFA fat cats.

      Reply

    • Adam MacLeod says:

      11:45am | 05/07/10

      It’s not diving.  It’s “SIMULATION”!

      (I think Sepp Blatter came up with that one).

    • nic says:

      11:17am | 03/07/10

      heh heh. After turning off the TV in disgust last night, some good points Anthony.

      Reply

    • stephen says:

      01:12pm | 03/07/10

      I think the bloke in the photo is crying, and i only seen i baller in the AFL and he’s takin a holiday with a torn hamstring.
      (If only FIFA sooks could be so lucky.)

      Reply

    • Dave says:

      01:16pm | 03/07/10

      I enjoy watching soccer, im half Dutch. But Aussie Rules is a much better game. Yes, the whole world plays soccer, good for them. Im happy we have our own footy code that is more skillfull, faster, stronger and much more exciting.
      And Lionel Messi is great to watch in full flight but doesnt compare to the greatest footballer ever…......

      Richo!!!!!!!!!!!!

      Reply

    • Richard says:

      02:02pm | 03/07/10

      BMJ, AFL attendances grow every year, as do TV ratings.  The game has never been so popular.  Far from “sliding” it is absolutely thriving and growing.  As for the usual stuff from NSW about “Melbourne” (nothing else to do, blah, blah), the fact is that AFL is the dominant (and I mean DOMINANT) sport in 4 of the 6 states.  Go to Adelaide, for example, and see how they obsess about the Crows or the Power.  Also compare the reasonable level of interest in AFL in Brisbane and Sydney, with the total lack of same in NRL in any of the other State capitals.  As for soccer, it is frankly just a really minor sport anywhere in Australia, and despite the constant hype from soccer supporters, shows no real signs of ever being anything else.  I know soccer supporters will quote the usual statistics about the number of kids who play soccer.  There is no doubt that the nature of the game makes it a good game for kids to learn ball skills, teamwork etc.  The fact is though that, once they get older, the vast majority of them lose interest in the game and take up something else.  (The same applies in the US, where millions of children play soccer, but the game stagnates at adult level.)
      Soccer simply does not suit the Australian temperament and never will.

      Reply

    • gavin says:

      01:41pm | 04/07/10

      AFL barely causes a ripple north of the murry river. Most New Zealanders have not even heard of it, and the ones that have hate it. The constant whistle makes it unwatchable on TV. League is growing faster than AFL because the quality of the games is better. It will be the dominant code with in 10 years

    • Roja says:

      03:58pm | 05/07/10

      To my knowledge the NRL do four things better than the AFL - drug trafficking, sex scandals, salary cap rorting and defecating in public places. 

      As a sport the only people that care about it other than NSW/Qld are those few heavily dissapointed fans in Melbourne who probably moved from NSW/Qld anyway.  I live in Adelaide and sure we briefly had the Rams when that breakaway competition happened, before the league was shut down and this state irretrievably lost to league forever.

      So he Kiwis don’t think much of our game, your point is?  As for it being the dominant game in 10 years, is that by a two steps backward, one step forward approach?  League is well and truly in it’s demise, you get less attendance for your entire round than we get in some games.

    • neil says:

      02:36pm | 03/07/10

      There is no doubt that the days of AFL are numbered, as the world becomes more global the populace will more and more follow international sports and quaint fringe games like AFL will fade away.

      In 50 years or so Australians like most of the world will follow Cricket, Soccer and Rugby Union. Games like AFL, League, basball, basketball will still exist but they will be 2nd tier games.

      Reply

    • Paul says:

      03:14am | 04/07/10

      So using your theory Neil will the Americans turn their backs on Gridiron and baseball to follow soccer.  I think you will find independant nations like Australia and the USA will always have a preference for their indigenous games.

    • AOC says:

      02:41pm | 03/07/10

      I’m Australian and the support of AFL astounds me also. The lack of skill in the game just makes it unwatchable in my opinion.

      Reply

    • Bruce says:

      02:47pm | 03/07/10

      Gosh I can’t wait for the World Cup to be over. The AFL writers might revert back to writing about their own game. It would be easy to poke fun at AFL, but really - why bother. I’d say each to their own, but AFL journalists seem to find the need to comment on events they don’t understand and only observe once every four years.

      Reply

    • Shane From Melbourne says:

      03:14pm | 03/07/10

      FIFA World Cup is like the Olympics- you have to pay “inducements” for them to seriously consider your bid, you have to build stadiums in out of the way places, you feel good about it for a few months while you are hosting the thing, and then there is a god almighty hangover afterwards…..

      Reply

    • The Cricket says:

      04:44pm | 03/07/10

      BMJ is right. I you didn’t feel threatened, you’d feel no need to slag off our sport. That’s why no-one bags out hockey.
      There’s a real arrogance to this piece. It’s making out the majority of the world’s sports fans are fools for not following this FAR superior Australian game which is played no-where else and isn’t likely to ever be.
      Soccer is my favourite sport but I see no need to ridicule AFL or other code. Why do you, Anthony?

      Reply

    • Ant Sharwood says:

      10:20pm | 03/07/10

      Why ridicule soccer? Actually, kinda for fun mainly. i’ve been loving the FIFA world cup and by the way, i follow the rugby codes, especially league, with more passion than AFL. I just reckon the autocrats at FIFA are always worth poking fun at. The game they run can be wonderful. The way they run it isn’t

    • TheRealDave says:

      05:56pm | 03/07/10

      I thought the Vevuzala concert in Seth Efrica ended a week ago? Is it still going??

      Reply

    • Jon says:

      11:33am | 04/07/10

      Yes, the only winner at the Soccer World Cup is the Vevuzala.

    • paul says:

      06:26pm | 03/07/10

      this was an echo from the pitiful past - feel sad for him….

      Reply

    • TheRealDave says:

      09:01pm | 03/07/10

      If the ‘Whole World’ jumped off a cliff would you?

      Just because the ‘Whole World’ plays soccer it doesn’t make it a decent game.

      Reply

    • Jon says:

      11:45am | 04/07/10

      Hear! Hear!
      ‘McDonalds, which is just like Soccer, overbranded, easily digested, not fulfilling, overpackaged and the same wherever you are in the world.’

    • Brendan says:

      10:55am | 05/07/10

      The same could be said for AFL in australia. Just because people watch it doesnt make it enjoyable to me and Im born and bred Australian.

    • Luke says:

      02:20am | 04/07/10

      He is right about one thing, AFL is a strange game. Just so everyone knows - it is a strange game that only 1/2 of Australia care about.

      Reply

    • Steven says:

      08:12pm | 04/07/10

      I love the way you consider NSW and some of Queensland 1/2 of the nation.
      Does it not count that W.A., S.A., Tas & N.T. prefer Aussie Rules

    • Dr Who says:

      11:11pm | 04/07/10

      WA and NT prefer AFL? more Melbourne madness from a Melbournian that has never crossed the Murray

    • Tim says:

      01:37pm | 05/07/10

      Yep Steven,
      i’d suggest the 11.6 million people in NSW and Qld are half of the nation.

    • Roja says:

      04:01pm | 05/07/10

      The more important factor is the percentage of the population that follow sport - in Sydney that is bugger all compared to the Southern & Northern states.  Going by your state of origin results this is really a debate between the South and Qld with NSW a bit player of minor importance.

    • Tim says:

      12:28pm | 06/07/10

      Roja,
      “in Sydney that is bugger all”.

      Ha ha,
      when is the last time you went to Sydney? Although not as crazy about their sport as Mexicans, I can assure you that the vast majority of Sydneysiders do love sport and more specifically NRL.

    • Al says:

      03:37am | 04/07/10

      Do people realize the significance the AFL attendances on the world stage. For a country the size of Australia to have a domestic sport that is ranked 4th in the world for attendance of a domestic sporting competition should be applauded. The AFL has a higher average attendance than the English premier league and is positioned only behind the NFL in the states, the indian twenty20 league and the soccer in Germany.
      When populations of the various countries are taken into account the AFL is easily number 1 for attendance as a ratio of population.

      Reply

    • V says:

      02:16pm | 04/07/10

      Finally someone pulls out the meaningless population adjusted statistics. By this definition two people watching a game of tiddlywinks on Pitcairn islands or Vatican City would qualify as the most attended sport.

    • John L says:

      11:23am | 04/07/10

      Oh its soccer in South Africa. I thought it was the World Diving Championship

      Reply

    • bobw says:

      01:02am | 05/07/10

      He’s here all week, folks.

    • Bob H says:

      03:17pm | 04/07/10

      All countries have quaint local sports - some europeans have cheese rolling we have AFL, so bless them and their freezing cold fans huddling together to keep warm on mass.  If it wasn’t for AFL - what else is there in Bleak City.

      Reply

    • Jon says:

      10:41am | 05/07/10

      AUSTRALIAN FOOTBALL has been played in NSW and QLD for over 100 years. Henry Harrison who was born near Picton, New South Wales help frame the rules of the game.

    • Dr Who says:

      03:57pm | 04/07/10

      Don’t worry and get bitter wobbly ballers, nothing will change change the way Melbourne lives - not even time has been able to do that.

      Reply

    • NR says:

      03:58am | 05/07/10

      “FILED UNDER: ... SATIRE… “

      Stirring the pot ay?

      Reply

    • Shane says:

      12:12am | 06/07/10

      I love all the NRL fans that come in here slagging AFL as an inferior sport then don’t bother turning up to matches. What are the average attendance rates for NRL games this year… *cough cough*

      Reply
 
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