In this cynical age of focus groups and poll-driven policy, America has at last unearthed a presidential candidate who will not blow with the political wind, or any wind for that matter. A candidate who will hold true to his principles through thick and thicker.
Meet Donald Trump’s hair, the frontrunner for next year’s republican nomination. While notoriously unreliable sources like The New York Times have mistakenly suggested that it is Mr Trump himself who will run for the White House, The Punch can exclusively reveal the candidate is in fact the rug atop his head.
“I will comb over the thinning budget and plug any gaps,” the perfectly coiffed hairpiece told The Punch overnight. “And if you don’t like my policies, you’re fired.”
The hairpiece’s bold Washington bid means that next year’s GOP nomination now looms as a showdown between a follicular furball and a well-known Alaskan husky. Sarah Palin may also run.
Until now, Mr Trump’s hair has been best known as the straw-coloured crop which sits regally atop the head of the billionaire property developer, to all appearances naturally connected to his head even though it is an entirely separate edifice.
“Just as I seamlessly meld into the cranial covering of The Donald, so too are we intertwined on the key issues,” Trump’s phoney tresses told The Punch.
Mr Trump’s hair this week told America’s ABC network, through the medium of Mr Trump himself, that if elected president it would go to Libya, steal the oil, and make off to America with it.
“Oil is obviously a key ingredient for the engine of the US economy,” the ambitious toupeé told The Punch. “The fact that it enhances and nourishes my own golden lustrousness is merely a coincidence.”
In polling of Republican primary voters this week, the trump hair achieved some heady numbers, with 26 per cent support. 2008 GOP hopeful Mike Huckabee polled 17 per cent, while Mitt Romney snared 15 per cent.
Trump’s hair feistily pitted its own fiscal credentials head-to-head with fellow tycoon Romney this week.
“I’m a much bigger businessman and have a much, much bigger net worth. I mean my net worth is many, many, many times Mitt Romney,” the noggin net told CNN.
The brain blanket went on to say it would reveal the full scope of its wealth, as proof of its suitability to govern, when nomination day approaches in mid 2012.
As it told CNN: “I’ve built a great head of hair. And if and when I announce [my candidacy], you will see how big my head of hair is, because it’s much bigger and much more powerful and much stronger than anyone really knows. So you’re going to see how good it is. You’re going to see how strong it is.”
There is some suggestion the word “company” actually appeared in the original CNN story in place of the words “head of hair”. But it’s pretty obvious the hairpiece was really talking about itself, isn’t it?
In a preview of the intriguing election year sideshows we can all expect in 2012, Trump’s hair this week questioned whether incumbent president Barack Obama was actually born in America. The move is widely considered to be a clever ruse to divert attention from its own origins, which some claim are from a mohair goat named Doris.
Meanwhile, as the Trump hair bid gathers momentum, political apparatchiks and barbers everywhere are starting to speculate whether the hairpiece will be a stupid, incompetent president like George W Bush or an all-talk-no-action lame duck like Obama.
“I will have my own distinct style, the cranial canopy assured The Punch. “Just like I do already.”
“And trust me, once I get into power and make America great again, I will be as impossible to budge from the White House as I am from my master’s scalp.
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