Evil Government says holograms not real science
In a shock move today, the makers of Power Balance wristbands have been forced to say they do not actually work.
Since the bands exploded on to the market, compelling evidence has justified the makers’ claims that they help sportspeople focus and perform better.
Some doubters attributed the obvious benefits to the mystical placebo effect, but believers say the bands can increase core strength by up to 10 million per cent using something called “performance technology”.
The bands use the science of holograms, the power of which has been well accepted since Princess Leia employed one to call for Obi-Wan Kenobi’s help.
The holograms emit a frequency that utilises the body’s natural energy field, a theory closely linked with proven laws such as gravity and proven therapies such as reiki.
Their credibility has been bolstered by their popularity with footballers (including, reportedly, St Kilda players who clearly have impeccable judgement) and their appearance on the popular ‘Things Bogans Like’ website.
They are also endorsed by renowned Punch journalist Ant Sharwood, who argued conclusively that even a simpler rubber-band version gave his journalism extra balance.
While the science can be overwhelming for the non-nerds out there, there is further proof of the bands’ efficacy in the form of actual anecdotes.
Many sporting individuals gave convincing testimonials to the power of the bands.
US basketballer Shaquille O’Neal said:
I don’t really do a lot of testimonials, but this really works! I came across Power Balance when someone did the test on me. That night, while playing for the Phoenix Suns, there were about three of my teammates with the product on and we won that game by 57 points! I kept feeling something when I wore the bracelet, so I kept wearing it.
While it is clear that the bands are responsible for those 57 points, the Australian Competition and Consumer Commission, in a glaring display of overregulation, has called the claims “misleading” and demanded Power Balance Australia withdraw them.
Power Balance Australia, meanwhile, are bending like the proverbial reed, saying there is no credible scientific basis for their claims.
Customers can now get a refund on their bands. The refund should be just enough to buy some magnets guaranteed to have the exact same effect as the bands.
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