Ethan Hauritz. We will not forget you.

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Filed under: Ashes, Baggy Green, Cricket, Nathan Hauritz, Satire, Sport

71 comments

There has been no ticker tape parade. No roast and no toast. But here at The Punch, we’re all for big send-offs.

Ethan Hogwarts ponders his better days. Photo: Phil Hillyard.

So before that spectacularly gifted Test cricketer Nathan Horowitz fades into cricketing obscurity, let’s recap the greatest performances of the man who was so good, we hardly noticed Shane Warne was gone. So many to choose from. Here are six of the best…

A tantalising debut, Mumbai, November 2004
Michael Clarke steals the headlines with an amazing 6/9 in India’s second innings. But only because the selfless Ethan Hotlips has roughed ’em up first. That we eventually lose the match has nothing to do with the fact Hotlips only takes a wicket here and a wicket there. His aura alone drags Australia to within an agonising 13 runs of victory.

Finding his groove, Adelaide, November 2008
After four inexplicable years in the wilderness, Howitzer returns with a bang. In later interviews, he will describe this as the match where he really finds his feet at Test level. He finds his spinning fingers too, with devilishly impressive figures of two-for-something against an utterly befuddled New Zealand.

So close, Cardiff, July 2009
England has Australia on the ropes in the first Test of the 2009 Ashes. Then Hotseat strikes, cleverly fooling star English batsman Kevin Pietersen with a wide long-hop which Pietersen hoiks straight down square leg’s throat. What a moment of triumph! Only Aiden Hotseat could take a prized scalp with such an innocuous ball! Never mind that England later survive the last 12 overs with nine wickets down. One man can’t be expected to do everything.

Where’s Horrie? The Oval, August 2009
As the old song goes, you don’t know what you’ve got till it’s gone. Selectors inexplicably overlook Haggis for the final Ashes test of ’09. In his absence, the Ashes go down the gurgler. We can only hope this is not a scary portent for this summer. But it probably is.

The Pakistan demolition, Sydney, January 2010
There are those who have since sought to discredit Hotspur’s match-winning 5/53 in the second innings of this thrilling Aussie comeback win, on the grounds that Pakistani bookmakers had more influence on the match. Rubbish. Spiteful bile from the likes of the official Jason Krejza fanclub. Truth is, it’s Hotspur’s unique non-spinning off-spinners that bemuse Pakistan, not John the bookie’s brother.

Abandoned by his skipper, Bangalore, October 2010
Horatio delivers his customary array of hissing, fizzing zooters and doosras, but tragically, Ricky Ponting sets a ridiculously defensive field, cruelly blunting his strike weapon. As Shane Warne tweets, “‘How the hell can hauritz bowl to this field?? Feeling for hauritz, terrible!! What are these tactics? Sorry Ricky but what are you doing”. Sorry indeed

And so, as this underappreciated Australian icon, Horatio Nelsnitz sails off into the sunset, he can rest assured that he is gone, but not forgotten by the readership of The Punch - and at least one or two others. Xavier Doherty, you have much to live up to.

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427Australia, you have nothing to fear but fear itself

375There's no one Thomson won't burn to save his skin

313Thomson didn't answer the question everyone is asking

304Animal experiments won't cure me from cancer

262Who murdered the Arts degree?

246A big day for Thomson, who thus far is guilty of nothing...

231South Australia. It's the middle bottom bit.

231Craig Thomson speaks. Meanwhile, in Australia...

71 comments

Show oldest | newest first

- Mike Dershovitz says:
  
  10:35am | 23/11/10
  
  I, too, will never forget Edward Horowitz.
  
  Reply
- K says:
  
  10:35am | 23/11/10
  
  You’re a legend, Sharwood. Funny stuff
  
  Reply
Harold says:

11:27am | 24/11/10

Legend? or a cruel, sniping b*&^%$d?
- T.Chong says:
  
  10:39am | 23/11/10
  
  Nath has played hard, done good, but ploease, dont wish him the ticker tape parade.
  I think after Channel nine horribly overkilled Gilchrists retirement - songs, festivals,lamentations, grown men getting teary, women swooning, kiddies crying etc, that its far better to make a more quieter, dignified exit , like McGrath.- his final delivery claimed a wicket, nothing more needed to be said.
  Where as Gillie allowed himself to be turned into a Dame Melba, that unfortunately for him, coincided to a form slump, made the whole circus cringe-worthy.
  
  Reply
K says:

10:45am | 23/11/10

someone has missed the sarcasm of this speech…
T.Chong says:

10:54am | 23/11/10

Danged, you are right K. And here I wsas getting ready to pontificate some more.
Macca says:

11:02am | 23/11/10

@K, the left don’t get humour. It’s a common mistake that T.Chong makes
- interloper says:
  
  10:55am | 23/11/10
  
  Ha! I feel for the guy, but it’s so true.
  
  Reply
Adam Diver says:

02:22pm | 23/11/10

If doherty spins the ball he will have surpassed hauritz
- Max says:
  
  11:00am | 23/11/10
  
  Ouch! I’d hate to be Ethan Howitzer right now.
  
  Reply
- Chaos says:
  
  11:00am | 23/11/10
  
  Nathan who?
  
  He will be remembered fondly like Peter Sleep. It gives hope to everyone that non-spinning spinners can play test cricket.
  
  Reply
- Tim says:
  
  11:04am | 23/11/10
  
  Ohhh snap!!
  Way to sink the boot in - i like it.
  
  Reply
- Macca says:
  
  11:12am | 23/11/10
  
  Ok, Where’s Adam Diver? Do also not like this pot of Gold from Sharwood?
  
  Some of the names are awesome, can’t believe all this time I never thought of calling him Horatio or Hotspur.
  
  Hauritz will probably go down as one of the worst cricketers in a decade. Nearly as bad as Colin Miller. And thanks to Ant Sharwood, we will always remember.
  
  Reply
fairsfair says:

12:00pm | 23/11/10

So true Macca. Diver - you’ve been pulled up champ! Your topic for ADs No. 07 should be an appreciation of Sharwood.

Ah Colin Miller - forgot. Poor old Hotstuff doesn’t even the blue hair - which is the only reason why I remember Col.

My favourite bit is the unique non-spinning off-spinners that bemuse.. lol
rufus says:

12:44pm | 23/11/10

There have been lots of dud, or half-bad spinners. Recently, Cameron White, Hogg, Krezja, McGain, Dan Cullen. Even Stuart MacGill, a good bowler at his peak, should have retired before Warne, instead of thinking his chance at last had come and hanging around like an embarrassing uncle at Xmas.

You’d have thought a once in a lifetime spinner like Warne would have inspired at least one half-decent imitator, but no.
Andy J says:

01:09pm | 23/11/10

At least Funky Miller had some personality, funk, flair and could bat a little
Ausquad says:

01:55pm | 23/11/10

They may not have been in the class of Warne but MacGilla and Hoggy were both handy spinners that played their parts in a good number of Aussie victories
jg says:

02:22pm | 23/11/10

Nearly as bad as Colin Miller.

You mean the colin Miller with numbers like this?

69 test wickets @ 26.15?

The current Australian bowlers would give their left testicles to have that sort of bowling average.

And a test batting average of 8.28 says bunny.
Tails says:

09:54pm | 23/11/10

Didn;t Miller win the AB Medal?
- fairsfair says:
  
  11:13am | 23/11/10
  
  right off the meat of the bat Sharwood.
  
  Love it!
  
  Reply
DB says:

07:47pm | 23/11/10

Funky - Australian test player of the year 2000-2001 in a team filled with the likes of S. Waugh, McGrath, Gilchrist, Hayden, etc.
Horatio - less threatening than a Australian Democrat

Compared to Hauritz, Colin Miller actually did deserve a ticker-tape parade when he finished up with the Aussies.
- Richard says:
  
  11:28am | 23/11/10
  
  Poor Horry, he was always affable enough, and bowled pretty tight, but he just din’t have that sorcerer’s flair that a spinner needs to be successful (some people say that real spinners are decended from dragons, and that they are able to take wickets by using pure charisma alone).
  
  I think the day that I turned on him myself was when I found out that his only real standout performance (against pakistan) was rigged. A test spinner needs to at least have the potential to produce magic, but it seems that Borry could only pull it off when the opponents where being paid to get bowled out.
  
  Reply
- Al Hammond says:
  
  11:50am | 23/11/10
  
  Cruel and witless, I reckon. Read a bit more Barney Ronay before trying to do these sorts of pieces
  
  Reply
Have Alook! says:

01:52pm | 23/11/10

concur…average at best.
- Peter says:
  
  11:53am | 23/11/10
  
  Cheap sarcasm by the author here - someone who, if I am not mistaken, has never - unlike Hauritz - represented his country in anything
  
  Reply
Ant Sharwood says:

12:50pm | 23/11/10

Hey! Congratulations, Peter! I’m surprised it took this long for someone to pin me on the fact I have, indeed, never represented Austraslia in anythin. Well done by you.

I should also point out that I have interviewed Nathan Hauritz and found him to be intelligent and likeable. I am truly happy for him that he improbably racked up 17 tests.

Now, back to the Hauritz bashing…
Adrian says:

02:00pm | 23/11/10

Oh a negative article on an Australian cricketer in the lead up to the Ashes!
10 points for originality Mr Sharwood!

A bit too personal for my liking. Poor Hauritz can never be accused of not giving 100%, and I do not acknowledge that his test career is finished. He could work on a few things and hit some form in the shield and put some pressure on the spinner of the day (Xavier at the minute).
Good luck to him!
Rara says:

05:33pm | 23/11/10

So Peter what happens if you agree with the article and have represented your country in something??? Especially cricket?? Hauritz should never have been picked in the first place let alone racked up that many tests… says something when the captain tosses the ball to North above the “spinner” in the team
goody2shooz says:

08:34pm | 23/11/10

“I have interviewed Nathan Hauritz and found him to be intelligent and likeable”

is that what fired up your jealous streak?
- Andrew says:
  
  12:34pm | 23/11/10
  
  Give the guy a break. True, he’s not the most talented spinner to sit under a baggy green in the last 100 or so years, but he’s a hard worker, a decent bat, and nobody can ever doubt his commitment to the team, which is more than can be said for plenty of others. It wasn’t his fault he was selected to play for Australia, and if anybody is to blame for the results, it’s the selectors.
  
  Reply
- Anthony says:
  
  12:43pm | 23/11/10
  
  He had the greatest arm ball the game has ever seen. Every other ball was a deceptive variation of straight.
  
  Reply
Macca says:

01:44pm | 23/11/10

Only a cricketer would find this funny, and I’m still chuckling in my seat. hahahaha
- Chris says:
  
  12:57pm | 23/11/10
  
  Are you serious? Anthony Sharwood, what is your test number? To be critisised by someone of your stature in the sporting world would be awful. Another armchair critic that feels as if they can ridicule a guy personally in the media just because they’ve watched a couple of games on the tv. He’s done his best for his country and gets a kick on the way out from Sharwood (one of the great sports writers). It irritates me that someone like you is paid to write this rubbish.
  
  Reply
Golden Duck says:

01:34pm | 23/11/10

I would say Hauritz would probably feel as devo as Ant will when he reads this. It is awful to think a published journalist could be so awfully attacked by someone called Chris.

Lighen up! What the hell has happened to eveyone’s sense of humour?
Lee says:

02:08pm | 23/11/10

Seeing as you refuse to call him by his proper name, can we refer you as Antonio S#!t Head.
Jimbo says:

02:41pm | 23/11/10

Chris, if we find out your real name is Shane, are you going to say you pretended to be Chris because our mother told you to? Or are you Chris pretending to be Shane pretending to be someone else? I say this because the real Chris/ Shane is more liekly to write in that txt language.
Tlux says:

03:54pm | 23/11/10

So you have to have played tests to criticise the team? I know Channel 9 believe and abide by this, but will David and Margaret have to start directing features to keep their job?

The issue isn’t Hauritz himself, but the fact that he was selected in the first place. Unless you’re Ricky’s BFF, you’re not going to get a run in the test team. If you’re lucky to be in his good books, you can get picked as the specialist spinner even if you don’t spin the ball.
- Triant says:
  
  01:07pm | 23/11/10
  
  No doubt he’s gutted but always look on the bright side - he gets to jump ship whilst Aussie cricket dies a slow and painful death!!!
  
  Reply
- David says:
  
  01:13pm | 23/11/10
  
  At least he has hair!
  
  Reply
- Dan says:
  
  01:21pm | 23/11/10
  
  I love it how even the posters looking to stick up for him can’t quote a decent performance. Maybe not the worst spinner we’ve ever had, but he was definitely up there with them. I love the comment about “unique non-spinning off spinners” too.
  
  Reply
- steve says:
  
  01:22pm | 23/11/10
  
  He was Australia’s answer to Ashley Useless Giles
  
  Reply
- John Munro says:
  
  01:32pm | 23/11/10
  
  Spoken like a true cabbie there Sandalwood. Keep up the good work.
  
  Reply
- Grizzley says:
  
  01:37pm | 23/11/10
  
  Lets rehash the comback after years in the wilderness. If memory serves me correctly (which it does) he was selected to play for Australia despite only being the back up spinner for NSW. I myself would have to be in the top 500 spinners currently in NSW. Why not pick me for Australia? I think I deserve it. And I love the comments by Hotspur’s Dad this week about CA being unfair to his little boy and picking on him. If providing well overdue constructive criticism, and telling him that he needs to improve to be picked again is picking on him, I think i need to hire a lawyer for all the years i have been bullied with constructive criticism.
  
  Reply
Dan says:

01:39am | 24/11/10

Grizzley.. I feel for you, you are a NSW Cricketer how DARE the selectors keep you out of the Australian team.

Bastards
- Martin G says:
  
  02:01pm | 23/11/10
  
  I lost it at ‘Ethan Hotlips’. Bravo, Anthony!
  
  Reply
- Clem says:
  
  02:04pm | 23/11/10
  
  He could be an Aussie version of Phil Tuffnell. Not in the side because he can play, but because he’s got character and can pull off the odd fluke. Every team needs its token character, and the Aussies are a bland bunch at the moment.
  
  Reply
- David says:
  
  02:05pm | 23/11/10
  
  Hauwitz is the best bowler in the world at the straight break he can also bowl the top spinner and the slider and the one that straightens down the line. howritz is the 1337est
  
  Reply
- Timmuh says:
  
  02:25pm | 23/11/10
  
  He’ s still the best spinner in the country, which says a lot about the lack of spin options. Nightly Hauruz will be back in the Test team.
  
  Reply
Rara says:

05:31pm | 23/11/10

You obviously don’t know much about cricket to think he is the best spinner in the country!!! You actually have to spin the ball to be called a spinner…
- MG says:
  
  02:29pm | 23/11/10
  
  I’ve always used the name ‘Horrorshow’ for him and I’ve always enjoyed the way he good back up his bowling with the bat.
  
  Reply
- Greg says:
  
  03:14pm | 23/11/10
  
  The undertones of this article suggest that Australia’s recent failures rest squarely on the shoulders of Nathan Hauritz. Try again champ. This time, factor an ageing, underperforming middle order in your calculations.
  
  Reply
- chuck Norris Jr says:
  
  03:16pm | 23/11/10
  
  Aimon Hollowitz you have my complete support. Come to my RSL and i’ll ask my manager to give you a job cleaning tables.
  
  Reply
- spike says:
  
  03:28pm | 23/11/10
  
  We have not had a good spinner since Warney. Nathan Hauritz just tosses up slow rubbish. He would make a reasonable club player but that is about all. Still according to the pundits he must be good if he is an Aussie!!
  
  Reply
- Markus says:
  
  03:44pm | 23/11/10
  
  Haha bad lucky Haury.
  He actually makes an okay one-day player as he is decent with the bat and slows up the run rate fairly well - in limited overs cricket bowling a team out is preferable but not necessary so he had a role to play.
  
  Unfortunately at test level a bowler is expected to actually take a wicket here and there…
  
  Reply
Adrian says:

05:49pm | 23/11/10

Yeah spot on. I have always felt that finger spinners are more suited to slowing up the run rate rather than taking wickets but Graeme Swann proved himself an exception. Murali is quite handy too, though he is not a traditional off-spinner (uses his wrists more than his fingers, some say his elbow too…) and can turn the ball quite considerably than the likes of Hauritz.
- Bruiser Brody says:
  
  05:23pm | 23/11/10
  
  count me as an ardent member of the Kreja FanClub!
  And loved Haurie’s old man coming out with “no-one ever took wickets in India”... yeah, um except for that other offspinner who only took lazy 12, then was dumped unceremoniously!!
  
  All youse need to know about Nat is that he inspired this inspirational ditty:
  Hauritz Movie, right there on my tv
  Hauritz Movie, right there on my tv
  etc etc
  Shocking bowling, losing the game!
  (tm $BDW$!)
  
  Reply
- Mark says:
  
  05:55pm | 23/11/10
  
  Probably how I’m going to remember that awesome writer Andrew sharsmith. A lot of gobbling off from people who only excel at commenting on the internet. If only you could represent your country doing that!
  
  Reply
- Bradis says:
  
  06:28pm | 23/11/10
  
  Ok so Hauritz aside because admittedly he wouldn’t be my first choice for one of our four front line bowlers…still he did have alot of heart and I could never fault the man for that
  
  Is anyone else really sick of how much crap and negativity is thrown at the Australian side by our own public and especially our media? Go back to the days of Border and Tubs as captain and we didn’t win every test by the absurb margins that is expected these days, yet they didnt cop anywhere near as much flak for every decision made as Ponting does. Yes we lost the ashes (and yes I know it should probably not have happened the last time), but it was against a much stronger English team and for the first time in years I am really excited about this ashes and what it may promise.
  
  Yes sometimes it is deserved, yet on the whole the Australian media is a bunch of backstabbing egotists who will attack any possible issue blowing the context way out of preportion mearly to gain a few moments of undeserved fame…and yes Koche that definitely includes you
  
  Reply
Markus says:

10:24am | 24/11/10

No I’m not sick of it, because nothing continues to be done about it.

Go back to the days of Border and Tubs, and neither would be so arrogant as to expect to hold on to the captaincy after having lost the Ashes not once but twice, and in one case with probably the greatest Aus team ever assembled.

Then every time he hits a century CA claim that absolves any criticism of his captaincy. No, all that proves is he is a world class batsmen, which was never in question.

The media are always melodramatic, we know that. But when ex-players, captains and fans alike have been united pointing out the same problems year after year and nothing gets done about it, then both the captaincy, the selectors and Cricket Australia deserve all the criticism they can get.
- Destry says:
  
  06:52pm | 23/11/10
  
  Duh. We lost the Ashes in England because HHH bowled against the tail-enders… when tactics screamed out for a quick like Johnson. We only needed that pissant last wicket! *burp*
  
  Reply
- Dean says:
  
  07:53pm | 23/11/10
  
  Attacks on a chap who has just lost the position to which has aspired for many years are not justified (even as a satirical infotainment exercise). Sure, the selectors giveth and the selectors taketh away but why rub the poor fellow’s nose in it?
  
  Who was the last offie who took a truckload of wickets for Australia? The art of the finger spinner lies in containment and frustration; it is the wrist-spinner who is the strike bowler. Selectors pick leggies by preference when they are either a potent weapon in their own right or when our fast bowling stocks are so well resourced it doesn’t matter if the leggie goes for a few. At all other times the selectors have opted for a finger spinner to limit the damage. A lot of the commentary seems to overlook that this is the long version of the game - a game of the mind and not of hit and giggle.
  
  Warne was both a freak bowler and a lucky one - to have bowled contemporaneously with one of the great containing fast bowlers of all time, Glenn McGrath. Warne himself bowled with a control over line and length unmatched by any other wrist spinner in living memory.
  
  Comparisons between Warne and Hauritz are meaningless. They are different types of bowlers in different types of bowling attacks in teams that are performing very differently. Easy to set a wicket-taking field for your star leggie when you regularly win the toss and put on 450-plus in the first innings.
  
  Reply
joe says:

08:45pm | 23/11/10

i agree, it`s really pathetic to kick a man when he`s already down- i guess it must make the author feel like a big man or something…. there`s no arguing hauritz had a great domestic season last year, and helped win us tests. yes he`s no warnie, but A.S as a wittiscist you are certainly no Oscar Wildes, infact more like a poor man`s miranda devine- and yes i know she`s not trying to be funny…
joe says:

08:53pm | 23/11/10

way to go, kick a man when he`s down- bit of a cheap shot in my opinion. yes he`s no warnie, but then as a witticist you`re no oscar wildes!
- Bora _888 says:
  
  08:30pm | 23/11/10
  
  It seems to me that the ball isn’t the only thing being polished eh Kojak.
  
  Reply
- joe says:
  
  09:16pm | 23/11/10
  
  low blow champ, not that cool to kick a man when he`s down…
  
  Reply
- There are 5 other states in Aus... says:
  
  09:27pm | 23/11/10
  
  What’s with all the fuss of an under-performing cricketer being dropped? I guess when you a NSW cricketer you’re more important than those from other states… At least now a cricketer not from NSW has a chance to be promoted.
  
  Reply
- hahapauli says:
  
  09:36pm | 23/11/10
  
  HAHA HA!!!...god one and who said australia is bereft of comedy…
  WHORE LIPS…hahahaha…I like to tell people about his secret weapon
  ‘‘the one that spins’‘...it’s the rarest gem in any form of cricket…HOWEVER
  ...THERE is one fellow…who regularly takes wickets with far far worse deliveries than the one you mention…look no further than Mitchell Johnson
  ...please HOOSfits can’t take all the credit for Australia’s record breaking era…it’s been a team effort…brilliantly led by Ricky Ponting…who as captain holds a number of spectacular claims to fame…like allowing Shi Lanka to win a series on home soil, that being the most recent BUT by no means the most memorable
  PLEASE give us an expose on Pontings run as captain.
  
  Reply
- hahpauli says:
  
  09:44pm | 23/11/10
  
  THE biggest shame of Nathan Kreja was that he did give 100%
  
  Reply
- B king says:
  
  02:23pm | 24/11/10
  
  Talking about non spinning spinners we can’t forget Skull (Kerry O’Keefe) he was perhaps the most famous of all the non spinning spinners. Lucky for Australia that he is a funny man and arguably the best cricket commentator in the world.
  
  Reply
- George Kalran says:
  
  02:33pm | 24/11/10
  
  and your saying we have better spinners than hauritz? no one can expect to live up to warnie because he’s the king of spin! you think we are just going to keep dropping spinners because they’re not as good as warnie?
  
  good on ya mate, you should be a selector!
  
  Reply
Fred Kaltapu says:

02:46pm | 24/11/10

Yea! spot on George! its not like you happen to find a warnie walking down the street everyday!

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Ethan Hauritz. We will not forget you.

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71 comments

Mike Dershovitz says:

K says:

Harold says:

T.Chong says:

K says:

T.Chong says:

Macca says:

interloper says:

Adam Diver says:

Max says:

Chaos says:

Tim says:

Macca says:

fairsfair says:

rufus says:

Andy J says:

Ausquad says:

jg says:

Tails says:

fairsfair says:

DB says:

Richard says:

Al Hammond says:

Have Alook! says:

Peter says:

Ant Sharwood says:

Adrian says:

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