Emmys red carpet verdict
Most OTT: January Jones
Look, I applaud her for going there. She really experiments and most likely wants us to know she’s not the inspid, vacant, pretty doll character she plays on Mad Men. She’s really driving that point home here, ‘cause holier-than-thou Betty Draper wouldn’t be caught dead in this! I’m not saying I like it. Far from it. It’s too blue, too shiny, too short in the front and too long in the back, not to mention those pointy bosoms, where did they come from and WHY? And try as I might, I can’t figure out WTF the dress is made of. Is it furry fabric? Does she think dressing like a descendant of the Cookie Monster is hot? The mind boggles. But I understand where she’s coming from. ‘Cause sure, Betty Draper looks beautiful and dresses amazingly, but I wouldn’t want to be known around Hollywood as the dumb blonde either, that’s a stereotype I’m sure would be often labelled on beautiful actresses. So January Jones is setting herself apart, and I say, let her.
Most likely to be starting her own clothing line after this: Kim Kardashian
It’s true. Kim tweeted last week that she was in the middle of trying on dresses for the Emmy’s, and while her stylist, Monica, had brought in some beautiful things, she hadn’t managed to fit into a single one yet. Obviously, this beautiful, goddess-like creation was eventually chosen but it highlights the whole Hollywood thin-thing, where stars are trying to fit into model-size sample dresses in order to borrow them, but if they’re a teensy bit curvy they can’t. It’s what sparked the too-skinny on the red carpet debate a few years ago, and while things have definitely improved, womanly bodies like Kim’s obviously still have trouble unless someone makes clothes especially for them. And God forbid they have to buy it in their size. Despite the fitting problems, Kim looks fabulous in this Marchesa gown. This is how special a white dress needs to be to worn to the Emmy’s (Rose Byrne, are you listening?). And that sparkling cuff! If they’re truly diamonds, I would have worked out my whole outfit around that cuff, just so I could wear it. That’s heaven on her arm that is.
Best dressed: Sofia Vergara
She’s wearing Carolina Herrera and looks gaw-jus, absolutely gaw-jus. Who knew a butter coloured frock could look so good? But it’s not just butter, is it! It’s dripping with gold and shimmering with sparkle, making her skin glow and hair shine. Love the way the gold in the centre makes her body all aligned and gives her curves extra oomph as the gold fades on the outer edges. It’s a real feat in fashion engineering, this dress, and she has the gold accessories to match it. Go Sofia! I don’t know where you’ve come from but this past year you’ve blitzed the competition.
Most excited that she’s not pregnant: Heidi Klum
I’m free! I’m free! Finally free! I’m drawing the line at four kids, that’s it. If he wants anymore he can have them himself. It was really hard this time to get my body back and I gotta tell you, I’m done. I’m so glad to be myself again that I’ve gone for a super short black mini that not only has a 3D effect floral garden on it, but sheer panels all the way through. Too much? No way! I even added this ridiculously large diamond necklace, because I just wanted to glow even more! It’s never too much! Plus there’s my shoes. I’m just making up for the lack of fabric in my dress with extra sparkle. It’s working, non?
Lifetime achievement award: Christina Hendricks
The woman just has got it goin’ on, doesn’t she? And it’s admirable. See, when you’ve got the body from hell - a natural size FF bust and hips that sway from side to side like a hypnotic drum and skin like peaches and cream - it takes a while to figure out how to dress to flatter your figure. What to wear so that you’re not flashing too much cleavage, but you’re working it to your advantage. How to streamline such a curvaceous body without spilling out of things. So much to think about! It’s a mammoth task and this is why we look at Christina in awe. It’s no mean feat to dress this body so well, time and time again. This winning number is by Zac Posen and is so floaty and dreamy and romantic, works so fantastically with her hair and her whole image that I can’t fault her. Stu-nning.
The dress to overcome all past fashion disasters: Tina Fey
This is it! This is what I’ve been wanting to wear for like, ever, but, uh, didn’t. But you can all relax now ‘cause this is what I meant to wear. The whole time. Honest. Those other dresses were just teasing you, pretending that I didn’t know what I was doing. I was goofing around guys! That’s what I do, I’m a comedian. But this is the real thing. See how it makes me look tall and slender, even though I’m neither of those things. That’s the magic of fashion. Now I get what Anna Wintour was talking about at the Vogue shoot. I totally get it guys, you won’t have to worry about me having another fashion disaster ever again and hating yourself for blogging bad things about me. I got your back.
Most likely to break out into song and dance: Lea Michele
And she’s even worn the perfect dress for it. This fab black strapless number reminds me of that scene in Grease where Danny gets suckered into dancing with Cha Cha instead of Sandy, ‘cause she’s wearing a black ruffled dress and hikes it up above her knees to really get into the groove. I can just picture Lea Michele doing the same thing at the afterparty. Something’s not quite right though, and I think it’s her hair. That fringe is too short for her face or she needed an updo or something. It looks like she hasn’t done it, as though she was late and had to leave before she was completely ready. But the dress is a winner.
Most happy to experiment: Anna Paquin
Well looky here! This is something I’d expect Cate Blanchett to wear! How exciting that Anna Paquin may well be barking at Cate’s styled heels. Sure, I don’t know if Anna has the height to carry this off but other than that, it’s spectacular. A matte gold armour on the bust and shoulders which is almost pharoah-like in its finish, and the slight tuck on the body of the dress makes it her own. If I was to wish anything different, it would be that she’d worn strappy, open shoes rather than the heavy closed pumps she’s wearing. But a fabulous effort all round Anna Paquin!
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