Eight simple rules for losing your doctoral virginity

acotrel says:

04:56am | 08/02/12

‘So then, what’s the big secret for completing a PhD?

It’s simple: Don’t be a wanker. Just do it’

The motto of Melbourne High School is ‘Honour the Work’ .  I wonder what that means ?

Gregg says:

05:51am | 08/02/12

I’d add that for a subject, a male could find childbirth very interesting!
” Just as there are many things expecting or labouring mothers can do to make childbirth easier and more bearable ” !!!!
Can you hear the howling!!!

Kikhug says:

07:51am | 08/02/12

Don’t make the assumption that all PhD students are doing their PhD for an academic career (especially in relation to point 6). I’m doing my doctorate to earn a higher salary and to increase my opportunities in the field in which I previously worked. Publicise my work sure… but it’s not publish or perish for all of us.

John H says:

08:33am | 08/02/12

Your points are all valid, especially selecting a topic that interests you.
Yep, and people also undertake higher studies to get a better job/earn a larger salary. But if that is your primary motive (and not a secondary benefit) then you really have missed out on what life is all about.
Nice article—everyone should get out there and further educate themselves!

Steve says:

09:20am | 08/02/12

Combining rules 1 & 6 for social sicentists - find a topic that the public and journalists are already vaguely aware of,  start your reseach, beat up the impact of potential problems you might find and publicise the consequences if current trends are extended to absurb levels.

Next, torture the data until it gives up some headline-worthy findings (a surprisingly low bar to reach) , then submit the thesis.  Your supervisor will not object if the headlines lead to more public attention for their area of expertise.

Recycle your data to have another cut at finding another headline, re-publicise your research in different media (wait about 6 months to do this - your university PR department will assist) and then submit research funding applications to relevant grant bodies, NGOs and government departments.

PS - it helps if you’re photgenic and have a good back story.

Kassandra says:

12:40pm | 08/02/12

I was quite surprised by the first paragraph of this article. I don’t doubt it’s probably true but it’s not like this in all fields.

In my field a doctorate is not such a big deal, even though I suspect the completion rate is a lot lower than 75% (because many decide academia is not for them after all and drop out) . It’s not necessary career-wise or even to do most research but it is necessary for people who wish to play in the academic sandpit, ie. pursue funding grants and eventually professorial appointments and to play the great travelling game “Symposium”, which is more difficult without a doctorate (or two or three). The subject doesn’t matter much, because hardly anyone will ever know or care what it was about, and addressing any “big” questions will just make the process harder and longer than it needs to be. So whether you slog out thousands of words on the vagaries of the biliary passages of the codfish or on a universal cure for cancer the end result is the same. I am aware of a PhD thesis which was accepted which endeavoured to prove, beyond all doubt, that human beings are distracted by loud noises. I believe the person who wrote it is now a professor.

I think the bulk of doctoral research (at least in my field) is “bandwagon” stuff - research that merely extends or piggybacks other work, usually the supervisor’s. This is a time-honoured way for senior academics to keep churning out papers, their name goes on it but their doctoral student does all the work. A good supervisor will suggest something useful though and will help enormously when you come to trying to get the work published, especially in a decent journal.

Campbell says:

12:42pm | 08/02/12

As a current PhD student, I feel that point number 4 is the key here.
In my area of study (synthetic chemistry) long hours are the norm. In a high stress environment like this, it is vital to have an outlet away from study. I have witnessed many friends and fellow students become all consumed by their PhD to the exclusion of everything else, with the resulting burnout that comes from a lack of downtime of the period of 3-5 yrs.
Many of the more successful students are the ones that have activities outside of their studies including sport and other hobbies, along with those that are able to go on holiday and have a break despite the guilt trip that others subject them to.

M-H says:

12:56pm | 08/02/12

Good points. Adding to No 8, I think that a thesis has to be good enough to pass, but only good enough to pass - it isn’t up for a Nobel Prize. It probably won’t be the best thing you will ever do. And most theses need more work after examination, so do your best, submit, and hope.

Yes, just do it!

Magnet says:

01:07pm | 08/02/12

I think there are some ppl here who have been studying psychology too long.

The beauty of the PhD is that it helps an individual develop upstairs - not completely unlike the child bearing process, I guess, just a bit higher up.

Joh says:

01:38pm | 08/02/12

Whilst i like this article, the use of the picture of the Virgin Mary and the caption “no use to praying to this Virgin”, is in poor taste. I’ve got a sense humour, I am educated but really was that necessary?

Black Poloneck says:

02:05pm | 08/02/12

There’s a lot of PhD students working hard reading punch here

Jordan says:

04:30pm | 08/02/12

The only whipping I’ll give you is in my comment box…

Unfortunately the slippery slope argument doesn’t run that way. Theocracy has never been strong in the West and that was about 700 years ago in Europe.

I suggest a return to civility. And good spelling.

stephen says:

05:05pm | 08/02/12

When you get your PhD you go to all the right parties.
The Humanities I mean, and when someone comes along who can actually ‘do it’ ... like, write, or compose, paint or argue it really pisses off the tweeded boffin because he has been with his girl since they were undergraduates and she typed all his papers and at the refectory she made a point of ordering more coffee out loud ‘for two’, but now she looks like a porcupine and he’s still got to wake up with her every morning, roll over and wish to God he’d have taken that holiday he’d won back in ‘87 to Mauritius.
And now each of them sleep head to toe cause she can’t tell the difference between her breath and his feet, and now his periwinkles won’t die down.

Moral : marry young, but die young ; at least you’ll have One Paper to deliver before you go.

kitteh says:

05:09pm | 08/02/12

I have a Ph.D in the biological sciences and a career in my field. I’d actually argue against point 1 to some extent. In the past 30 years there has been this trend towards ‘do what you LOVE!’ with regard to planning a career. Nice concept, but it needs refining to work in the real world. Otherwise, you end up being the overqualified academic equivalent of one of those largely talentless kids sobbing on American Idol.

I liked my research subject well enough - certainly you won’t get through the process if you absolutely hate it - but I also chose it as a balance between something I was interested in, something that would help me develop a career later and something that was actually of benefit to the community. I occasionally look at the Ph.D subjects currently under investigation at some universities and can’t help but feel a little sceptical of the value of some of the work, as well as wondering who on earth was going to employ those people when they finished.

This is particularly the case when there is ample work in the field already with little net gain from another investigation. OK, I’m in the sciences, not the humanities, so I’m not exactly without my own prejudices about what’s ‘important’, but when there are limited research funds available (and despite what other posters claim, Ph.D students are relatively costly to universities, particularly in terms of the supervisor’s time, and the faculty is penalised if they don’t finish) I don’t see why yet ANOTHER analysis of 15th century historical events or the subtext of A Midsummer Night’s Dream is really warranted. Not to say these fields shouldn’t be funded, but they should be subject to the same rigors as the hard sciences - i.e. not just the same analysis with a different spin.

Doctor X says:

09:04pm | 08/02/12

I think that Honorary PhDs to whoever are just insulting and cheapen the value of those who sat down and really did one.

It also depends on your supervisor, because my experience was that there was never any money for you to go to a conference (even in your own home city), let alone overseas, so how on earth do you get chance to publish ?!

You do the work, your supervisor takes the credit and you are lucky if you get your name on the paper because they just want to bignote themselves in front of their mates and show ‘how great’ they are.

Success is not guaranteed, it depends on who marks your thesis and if your research conflicts with their ideas on the subject.  Some of the PhDs out there are not worth the paper they are on because the markers were easy on them, others did not pass or had to rewrite because the markers were poorly chosen, didn’t understand the subject or had a conflict of interest.  Depends how much your supervisor likes you.

It is the biggest rort going for the supervisors - as long as you get research grants, because that’s where the dollars come from.  The supervisors just amass airline loyalty points from all the business class (never economy) airfares to conferences (which are NEVER held in boring, cold places), boozing it up on fine wines and conference dinners, car hire and hotels, taking their wife and family along too (essentially on the university dollar, at least partly) for a cheap holiday.  The points are used by them for personal travel.

No wonder there’s no money for the PhD students to go on conferences.

If you’re really lucky, you might even get an exchange student or Honours student ‘slave’ to do some work for you in an area you just can’t be bothered doing, but will still try and use to get a paper (your name probably won’t be on it though, much less theirs).

If you get sent overseas, it’s probably so that your supervisor can eke a paper out of it with ‘international collaboration’ in the theme from a foreign supervisor.

I was disgusted with the whole lot.  Been there, got a PhD and worked bloomin’ hard for it so that I could get residency here.  Some PhDs suicide from the stress, others physical assaulted their supervisor - I’ve heard all the stories.

Never again.

morrgo says:

09:16am | 10/02/12

An essential bit was left out: examiners.  In addition to topic, effort and supervisor, one of the four essentials of success.

Pick well-established people around half-two-thirds up the fame ladder of the profession, and avoid young Turks who may want to satisfy their egos by cutting you off at the knee.  Pick them early, quote their work and start feeding them drafts early on for perusal. 

The thesis has to be presented in a way that makes it look an easy read, inviting examiners to pick up and get it over and done with.  Keep it as short as possible, cut out all bits that you may fancy but not a necessary part of the story (apart from length, you may be picked up on something that was not really necessary to be there - bummer).  Shift as much stuff into the appendix as you can to reduce length.  Put a coloured sheet between the main body and the appendices to clearly show how long (short!) the main part is.