Does cheating still matter?

FF says:

11:22am | 14/10/09

I have a very simple agreement with my partner.
We’ve been together for almost a decade now, since we met in high school and have only been apart for about 1/2 a year involuntarily (he was deported) - it felt like a year or two to the both of us and we used to call each other weeping and he would declare his love for me. I was poor, unemployed and in my early teens then and I’d scrap up whatever I could to call him almost daily - international calls were not cheap. From then on, we never left one another’s side.
Fast forward almost a decade later.
I left for 2 days to visit my home country for an emergency recently and the fellow couldn’t get a ticket in time. We called each other 2 - 3 times a day and by the 3rd day the poor guy was weeping and telling me its hell here without me. No cuddles, breakfasts in bed (He loves his brekkies in bed and morning telly) and just hanging out.
The agreement is - if he gets to do something, I get to do it too.

So recently, he wanted a motorcycle. I told him it was dangerous but I trusted he wouldn’t do anything funny stunts to endanger himself. So I told him, alright, go for it, but I want a bike too so we can go around like the Hairy Bikers from the Hairy Biker’s Cookbook on the Food Channel.
He thought about it for a while and said, nah, forget it. I don’t want you riding a bike around and injuring yourself.
I told him, oh, you double standard dodo. What makes you think I’d want that for you either? But if you want one, it’d be fun for us to go around.

So he knows if he has an affair, I might get out and get myself a hunky guy as well. But knowing him, he probably has little idea I’m would never give myself to another fella.

I think in the end its all about compromise. We constantly give in to one another and indulge in one another and never calculate nor keep tabs of what we’ve done for one another.
If you want something, ask. If you really dislike something, say it, but place it in a sensitive manner so you won’t come across being rude or inconsiderate, but not sugar coat it.
I’m also a firm believer of never refusing intimacy in marriage, and avoid engaging a person who is not similar in sexual experience to yourself because one would always have to do more work (hence making sex a chore) if the levels are too skewed (i.e. one has had 200 partners, the other 2 partners, one 4 partners, the other is a virgin.).

Many people get into relationships for the wrong reasons.
Its always too visual, or too material.
A man who gets married to a woman he thinks is beautiful first, character/everything else second, is bound to be dissatisfied as she grows older, as she matures and changes, as her sexual libido decreases as she ages or post-natal. For men who is attracted first & foremost and mainly to a woman who sexually excites him (not as part of the package), sex would be a priority in the relationship instead of part of it.
Similarly to a woman who is with a guy for material reasons (big car, big house, big job) or physical reasons (cute, good looking).
The factor is based mainly on lust or primarily on sexual attraction and that usually doesn’t last very long standing on its own.

I remember asking my partner what he thought was most attractive about me when he first met me and expected him to say something about my hair or eyes and to my surprise he said, “I was taken and very intrigued by the manner you spoke and the way you carried yourself - your first words to me was - ‘I think XXX is such a bitch’. - I was shocked that such a ‘good girl’ type was so fiery and walked around with a big sulk on her face all day, everyday.”
“Then you followed by a:  ‘She’s just picking on us because we’re the only ones who question her without sounding like FOBs.’ ” (I was talking about a teacher.)
Apparently from there he was smitten.

Dan says:

01:37am | 14/10/09

Observa, you still haven’t answered the question of why you would mention Warne. He was a bowler, and I have no desire to ask any ‘real’ women as his affairs are nobody’s business. If you’re going to judge a sportsman based on his private life, it says much more about you than it does about him. Oh, and Warne was much better.

Dan says:

09:31pm | 13/10/09

Observa, again, what does infidility have to do with bowling? I’m not interested in what ‘real women’ think on this subject as Warne was paid to bowl, not to be a great husband (according to the public.)

Catharine Lumby says:

04:58pm | 13/10/09

@Helen: Thanks for your post. A point of clarification: I’m not paid by the NRL. I work for them pro-bono. I’ve been involved, as a feminist, in sexual violence prevention for thirty years now. It’s something I do because I believe in changing a culture that still give men excuses to sexually abuse and assault women and children.

observa says:

01:48pm | 13/10/09

“Observa, that’s all fine and well, but why on earth would you mention Warne and McGrath?” Simply for obvious contrast Dan. As a bloke I reckon they’re both great bowlers but one is greater than the other hands down. However that’s a judgement you’ll have to ask real women about, even if they know nothing about cricket.

god-botherer says:

01:02pm | 13/10/09

This is a tricky one. We all know everyone is unhappy all of the time. Just look at the amount of depressed people and the volume of anti-depressants taken around the globe.

It never reduces.

Adding two unhappy people together under the same roof isn’t going to make a strong, happy, monogamous relationship even when kids are added. But unhappy people roaming around like dogs and cats and doing whoever whenever isn’t going to either. We’ve been participating in that particular social experiment at least since the 60’s and can you see an obvious increase in happiness over the past 50 years?

The anti-depressants say no.

If people were truly happy and content with themselves then relationships would be happy and content. We just don’t need the added stress of promiscuity in our allready stressed lives, which is why they invented marriage.

It is important to realise a relationship doesn’t bring happiness, it just combines and amplifies what happiness is already there in each person. Unfortunately we have this “happily ever after” crap pumped into us by TV, movies, books, and from when we are old enough to remember. Happily ever after is a fairytale.

Everyone has faults which allows a “get out of jail free” card. Eg: “I left johnny because he kept scratching me with his long toenails so I got rid of him and found Bruce”. And 6 months later: “Bruce’s snoring was just horrendous so I dumped his arse and found Mike”. And then another 5 years later: “Mike is such a Nazi with his money, I couldn’t even get my hair done without signing a purchase order, so I got rid of him and found Arthur”.

But is it ever free? What’s the social cost? What’s the effect of this on the next generations?

So what is making us unhappy? Well I have an answer to that which nobody is going to like in this “progressive” society: A few thousand years ago some guy with a beard obtained 10 simple rules which, if followed, cause happiness. Real happiness. Check them out. I’m sure you have a copy somewhere.

Helen says:

11:54am | 13/10/09

Catharine, you say you’re in a happy relationshp yourself and that your article isn’t making a case for infidelity. I’m sorry, but that’s definitely the smell which comes off it. You don’t emphasise the downside for the betrayed spouse at all. I can see why the NRL would pay you as an adviser with this kind of enabling /excusing language.

To the betrayed spouse, one day you discover that the person you thought you were married to is not that person and the life you have built is based on shifting sand. Did you know that betrayed spouses endure PTSD symptoms - intrusive thoughts, overreaction to sudden sounds/events, inability to concentrate, can’t eat… Spend some time at Surviving Infidelity.com and have a look at the suffering it causes.

To look out from the safety of your happy monogamous relationship (or so you think, until you learn otherwise), and say “Hey, what’s so bad about infidelity? It’s great for the person having the affair!” is just wantonly cruel and irresponsible. Like I said, probably a great fit for the NRL.[

Stormy Matter says:

11:00am | 13/10/09

My GF has in the past had a partner who was unfaithful. She was upset by it.

However now, it is her who is having an affair with a gardener. This has left me perplexed at how she could rationally put her previous beliefs aside to have an affair with a married man.

I have asked about it, and of course it is denied. I have evidence, and although I am not massively concerned at the actual event itself the hypocrisy, lies and marriage status of the other half concern me.

When the time is right for me I will make sure everyone is aware of what is occurring so all can choose how to react.

Personally, what is good for the goose is good for the gander. However I wonder how the married woman and her family feels about this.

Blackadder says:

10:26am | 13/10/09

The attitudes and disrespect of today’s society towards marriage, the ease - and even encouragement - with which it can be dissolved, I feel, has played a large part towards this.

When re-locating to a rural town I was advised by a work colleague to avoid a specific mix-sex sport…when querying, I was told that “if you want an affair, that’s the sport you should play”. Apparently many in the town were aware of this, and in my 2 years there, met numerous people who’s wives had decided on some hanky panky there. The result: many ruined marriages.

My wife and I also lived in a coastal community recently, where EVERY school friend of our children’s involved step-parents. We even had my daughter (about 5 at the time) ask us one day as to why she didn’t have a step-dad. Needless to say this hastened our relocation from that community.

Where we are is no greater, but given the larger populace, we have more of a say in who we associate with.

Marriage is not easy, and takes work. Play the infidelity card and you can throw the marriage out the window…as that’s where the trust goes.

Dan says:

03:23am | 13/10/09

Observa, that’s all fine and well, but why on earth would you mention Warne and McGrath? Warne was a cricketer; what he did in his private life was nobody’s business but his and his wife’s. While I don’t agree that leaders should be judged on their personal lives, one could perhaps make an argument that they should be, but Warne? He was a sportsman! His personal life had nothing to do with his career, and contrary to what some people might think, when it comes to his personal life, he doesn’t answer to the media or the public.

Oh, and Simon Ingram, why do right wingers always assume they have a monopoly on what constitutes brains and consciences?

observa says:

11:19pm | 12/10/09

Approaching 60, I must say I’ve never come across that mythical ‘open’ marriage that lasts. One or other of the partners was ultimately kidding themselves, if not both of them. The marriages that do last are almost universally monogamous in my experience, albeit the odd one survives a brief moment of sexual infidelity, but not without a lot of soul-searching and heartache. Til death us do part still reigns supreme IMO, mainly for the reason of trust. Marriage is still an iconic institution on that count, albeit attempted by many statuesque aspirants with feet of clay. You enter into it flush with the enthusiasm, excitement and sexual gusto of youth, unknowing it’s ultimately a marathon that will test the fittest, strongest and most disciplined to the very core.  It will ultimately test your mettle as a well rounded adult, as well as your ability to make the critically correct choices about your future. Did you choose your life partner correctly when your judgement could so easily have been clouded by youth and inexperience, that is the question henceforth. Did your partner measure up likewise? That will only be tested by the growth of both together in the ultimate partnership, friend, confidante, lover and business partner for life. Therein lies the rub. It’s not the sexual act of infidelity that will lay waste to all of that but the crucial breach of trust, as one partner must be deceitful, or outright lie before exposure to the truth. Just like finding a trusted business partner has been dipping their finger in the till, can the discovering partner ever completely trust them again, despite all their pleadings that they can? We can forgive children for stealing but it’s extremely hard to forget an adult thief. You’re either a thief or you’re not and it’s the same with trust. Integrity is not about not stealing from someone just because you think noone is watching or you won’t be found out. It’s why we differentiate our leaders on that basis, irrespective of their politics or talents. McGrath or Warne? Whitlam, Fraser, Howard, Bush, Rudd or Hawke, Keating, Clinton, Berlusconi? There’s a fundamental difference there somewhere folks?

Peter says:

09:34pm | 12/10/09

Me and my wife have had a vibrant, sex filled relarionship for 30 year,s with no sign of slowing down. Guess we are just the right people for each other. We don’t fight or anything

doug says:

09:04pm | 12/10/09

Umm just enjoy the simple moments, like the pleasure of massaging your partners feet after she gets home, or snuggles in bed on a cold winters morning. Sharing the pleasure of watching the world go by as you stare at each other over coffee, enjoying the view.
Sex is not everything, in fact, without love, and commitment, it is nothing.

Catharine Lumby says:

09:01pm | 12/10/09

Again - great posts and really stimulating discussion. I just want to say that I really do understand how painful deceit can be in a relationship - and that sometimes deceit is connected with infidelity. I’ve been around the relationship block a few times myself and I’m no stranger to heartbreak (despite the concerns some have expressed that I have no morality or no conscience, I’m actually deeply interested in living an ethical life and in what that means). I just don’t think that the answer is always black and white - being human is a genuinely messy business. I’m always very interested in other people’s stories and views about issues like this. So thanks all of you for responding to this column

Compromise says:

07:39pm | 12/10/09

So your friend needed to have an affair in order to be nice to her husband. Right. Sounds like a healthy relationship all round!

If I found out my partner was only being nice to me because he was getting his jollies with someone else, would I shrug my shoulders and say “oh, but he bought me flowers last week, so it must be ok”? Like hell! If anything that would make it hurt more!

And does the fact that her husband might not find out about this make it ok? Not in my book, because the dishonesty is there, whether he sees it or not.

If a relationship is not the way you want it to be, there’s this amazing thing you can do to try and fix it - it’s called talking to your partner/husband/wife. It sounds crazy, I know, but communication is actually an alternative to infidelity.

Maybe your friend’s husband is just as unhappy in the marriage as she is, but sees sticking around as the honourable thing to do, maybe he’s just as in love with her as the day they first met. Either way, she’s not giving him any say in how their relationship plays out.

Chris says:

07:30pm | 12/10/09

Having recently been cheated on for the first time in my life, and after 3 years together, cheating definitely still matters.  For those who have been cheated on, it is the worst feeling in the world.  You place your trust, happiness and dreams with this person.  The person who cheats only has to be honest in what they want out of the relationship instead of going behind their partner’s back.  If you don’t talk about whatever it is that is obviously an issue for you, how is your partner supposed to know?  There is no excuse for cheating.

lorem ipsum says:

06:14pm | 12/10/09

Why do so many people feel the need to defend monogamy as if it’s a sinking ship?

By and large most Australians are serial monogamists and, according the Australian Study of Health and Relationships (ASHR), only a tiny percentage of people in relationships engage in dalliances outside of the relationship they are in. (“Only 4.9% of men and 2.9% of women in regular heterosexual relationships had concurrent sexual partners in the past 12 months.” http://www.latrobe.edu.au/ashr/)

So it doesn’t seem that the good ship monogamy is going to sink anytime soon. Given that, perhaps we should ponder why it is that we are so obsessed with other people’s infidelities and indiscretions. Why does someone else’s affair induce such anxiety and panic? What works or doesn’t work for someone else doesn’t have anything to do with how you conduct your own relationship.  Could it be that monogamy is not nearly as rewarding as the fairytale promised? Do we turn to the trope that monogamy is hard work because the fantasy failed? (Ask anyone who has been there: It’s the affair that’s the hard work. The monogamous relationship is a walk in the park by comparison.) Or worse, is monogamy so common because most of us can’t be bothered?

Perhaps these anxieties also explain why we refuse to accept that people do manage to overcome infidelities in their relationships. That as Prof Lumby points out, relationships hinge on a lot more than sex.

dean says:

06:05pm | 12/10/09

For time immemorial men and women have been having affairs. Especially the rich and powerful. Does it matter? Hell yeah - you try being on the other end of one!! Is it going to stop? NO

The real point is that why are we so moralistic about affairs? What ever happened to good old Australian “She’ll be right mate” “No worries” or better still “Mind your own bloody business”

This American moral puritan denouncing and decrying is not Australian.

Bryndal says:

05:49pm | 12/10/09

People who say ‘No Brainer’ usually have no brain

Lea says:

05:33pm | 12/10/09

Fidelity is about trust, and relationships are built on trust. It’s intrinsic in human nature that we can be vulnerable and open only with those we trust. Infidelity is abuse of that trust and shows the greatest disrespect for your partner - do you really think they’re going to be as open and honest and trusting again?

Infidelity is all about yourself and sating that fleeting desire or lust, but remaining faithful is respecting your partner, and that’s real love - not the feeling but the verb in action. It’s easy to talk the talk (‘I love you’), less easy to walk the walk (actively stop yourself from doing or saying something that will harm them).

Our rule is don’t put yourself in a situation where you’d be tempted to cheat. Late night with an attractive colleague of the opposite sex? Don’t go there. Make alternative arrangements. Not b/c you don’t trust yourself, but out of respect and love for your partner. You don’t want them to feel insecure, so don’t put yourself in a position that wouldn’t stand up to scrutiny.

If you have a swinging relationship and you’re both ok with sleeping with other partners, then it’s a different story. But if it’s something you wouldn’t want your partner finding out about, or you wouldn’t want your partner doing to you, then stop yourself. That’s showing courageous and active love.

ChelseaLee says:

05:11pm | 12/10/09

“I asked her how it was affecting her marriage. She responded that her marriage had never been better – she still loved her husband and she felt so good about herself that she was being kind to him for the first time in years.”

Question: She still loved her husband?

Love is long suffering, does not display unseemly behaviour, is unselfish, is associated with honesty, protects, trusts, hopes and perseveres.

I think the key word here is ‘protects’. Opening your legs and your world to a third party is no act of protection. Giving yourself physically, mentally and emotionally to someone when you have committed yourself to another is no act of protection. Rather, one of exploitation, of violation, and of humiliation.

I have pity for the 70 year old’s husband. But I have more pity for the 70 year old. If she believes that what she is experiencing is love, the greatest and most fulfilling act of all, then what a shallow life she must have lead.

Infidelity - Exploiting your partner’s commitment, violating your partner’s trust, and humiliating your partner beyond comprehension - is not love at all. It is a sad, sorry and pitiful act for those who can’t bear life’s valleys, and control their desires for the sake of another - even one which is supposedly ‘loved’.

Jason says:

05:06pm | 12/10/09

If I wasn’t ready to commit to one person, I wouldn’t have gotten married.  Too many people get married for the wrong reasons - to have children, to have the “life” they want, because they are “supposed to”, financial reasons - you name it, if you didn’t get married because of the person you are with, you will end up unhappy and potentially seeking satisfaction elsewhere.  Personally I think you can pick it by the size of the wedding - bigger weddings are all for show and not about the people getting married at all.  Me - I’m not a moralistic person by any stretch, but I do love my wife and would never risk losing her for a few hours of sex (which probably wouldn’t come close to the quality of home anyway).

anonymity preferred says:

04:16pm | 12/10/09

<reads many comments above>

It looks like we’ll have to queue to get our stones this week.

I’m with the 70 yo. If my partner is happy, I’m happy, we’re both happy. But we’ve been together since we were kids (now well into middle age) and our sex life has all but disappeared.  I think we still love each other - certainly I still love my partner. If you’ve never reached a stage of loving someone and enjoying their company and happiness, but being desperately unhappy with your sex life or apparent lack of interest/desire from your partner, congratulations, but you have zero experience of what many encounter. 

I’ve often thought that if an affair (by either of us) would bring more kindness into our relationship, then bring it on. If we were sexually satisfied, or feeling *desired* (quite different from, loved, and just as important), I think we’d both be nicer people, and those little slights and snipes would disappear. I could be wrong. As the “wronged” party, my pride may not cope.

Blokes don’t only want a root. OK, it’s pretty high up on the list, but that’s not the only reason men (or women) have affairs. I think Catherine’s pretty close to the mark. Sex is a very pleasant bonus to feeling good about ourselves.

Because you don’t believe in words like “partner” or “open relationship” doesn’t make them any less valid.  It just makes them invalid for you.

RT says:

04:10pm | 12/10/09

Thanks for the response, Catherine at 2:47. It has been an interesting thread. It’s a pity that some read it as having been written from some sort of left-wing, permissive morality perspective. Apart from the introductory paragraph in the article and its reference to right-wing commentators, there was nothing political in it.

Doogs says:

03:55pm | 12/10/09

I think monogamy is appealing because it is solid, it is firm, it is safe…it’s security that allows you to go forth in the world and know you have support and love behind you.

People feel safe around other people in solid relationships. It is not just about the couple.

No matter what the lefties or new-age thinkers say, once that arrangement is broken (ie someone cheats) even if the other person is unaware, the energy between the pair changes forever.

One of my favourite sayings is ‘through discipline comes freedom’ and, if you let it apply to every situation, it is amazing the happiness that will transpire from willpower.

Monogamy is a beautiful thing, it allows you to share everything and plot your road map of life together, even if one of you gets lost every now and then.

Don says:

03:53pm | 12/10/09

If you don’t have your word you have absolutely nothing. If you feel stifled and stilted in a relationship then it is time to screw it up and tell them so and if you can’t resolve it then walk. Can’t do that? Well then I guess you already know or will soon find out why the old saying goes:

A coward dies a thousand deaths, a brave man only one.

Joe says:

03:36pm | 12/10/09

Relationships are already sufficiently difficult to maintain without having to introduce additional, third-party complications. A constant proliferation of partners makes it difficult to settle into a sense of comfort and security, as each new person presents a hurt, a new threat to the relationship. And on a basic level you can’t give yourself fully to two partners at once so your spouse suffers.

Lumby seems to have a career of trying to lower Australia standards and this piece is another in that legacy. I am sorry cheating really does still matter.

Rose says:

03:33pm | 12/10/09

Being cheated on is a horrible experience. You may decide to stay, you might still be able to have a happy relationship. After some soul searching, changes, and therapy you might even say things are ‘better than ever’. But the fact remains that finding out you’ve been cheated on feels awful. The betrayal, the feeling of not really knowing the person you’re involved with or had children with, thrown your lot in life in with. That sucks.  Why? Probably some evolutionary thing whereby women want their men to only have children with them, ensuring their offspring get more of an investment from the man. For men? Probably to ensure the same, and to be sure they’re not raising someone else’s children.  Even in cultures with polygamy there’s jealousy, and insecurity and tensions and infidelity.  Its not confined to the west.

Razor says:

03:01pm | 12/10/09

It takes courage to commit to the disciplines of honesty, self-sacrifice and compromise that is a monogomous relationship.

I have yet to meet a women who would not be jealous of their partner sleeping with someone else, especially someone younger and more attractive, whether in an open marriage or not.

While the emotional bonds should be strong, once you have children and a mortgage and/or wealth, the potential financial and parental emotional pain of seperating should make most people think twice about straying.

Catharine Lumby says:

02:47pm | 12/10/09

Interesting posts - enjoying reading all your thoughts. Just for the purposes of clarification given some of the comments: I am in an extremely happy and long term relationship with someone I love who loves me back. We have two primary school aged children. And I don’t plan to leave my nuclear family bunker any time soon. This column was not a serving suggestion - it was framed as a series of questions. As Kristin rightly points out there is a cultural (as well as religious) history to the centrality all classes now accord monogamy. It wasn’t always thus. I wrote this column because I was interested to see how readers would make the case for monogamy.

stephen says:

02:28pm | 12/10/09

Women need a reason ; men just need a place. I reckon that’s the problem.

Lauren says:

02:00pm | 12/10/09

You said it yourself: “Deceit is a painful matter in any relationship.” Most of the women I know who have been cheated on weren’t hurt by the fact that their partner was having sex with another woman, it was that he was lying about it.
Affairs are usually the end result of an unsatisfactory relationship. One person’s needs aren’t being met (not necessarily sexual) so they go elsewhere. As in the case of Belinda Neal and her husband, it’s often a wake up call to the other partner that things aren’t as good as they were perhaps pretending them to be.
Men have affairs more often than women because they are reluctant to address the issue (although some could argue they have more opportunity). What’s wrong with having a talk and saying “I’m not happy”? Why does jumping into bed with a stranger looks seem like a solution to anything?
If you’re not happy, be man / woman enough to admit it and then work towards a solution. You can respect your partner if you’re lying to them, if you’re sharing important moments with someone else. That’s not a true relationship. That’s when a marriage become a business agreement.
As others have pointed out, open marriages work for some (but usually don’t last long). And there will always be people who use the affairs of others as an excuse for their own, or worse, blame the unaware partner for their cheating. A man will say “My wife won’t have sex with me.” And use that as a reason to have an affair. Where do you draw the line? I read about a mother of three that was stabbed because she refused to join her husband in a threesome. Does that still count as infidelity? It’s already the ‘new norm’ that women are expected to look an act like porn stars otherwise their husbands feel entitled to go elsewhere.
Would I forgive my partner for an affair? No, because I wouldn’t understand the need for it and I’d never forgive him for cheating on our children.

Grant says:

01:44pm | 12/10/09

Catherine (Author), sounds like you really have a lovless relationship.  Stop wasting time on this one and find another.

MCS says:

01:44pm | 12/10/09

What exactley is classified as cheating? Where is the line? There are emotional and physical affairs. Obviously the emotional affairs have an element of grey to them. Is it classified cheating to be in regular touch with someone who makes your heart a flutter, and even though all communication remains ‘G’ rated you still know this is more than a frienship? Is cheating progressive, does it all start with innocent material?
It would seem to me, emotionally speaking, that when your mind is constantly on someone other than your partner, then the grey area suddenly becomes very black and white. I don’t believe you can choose how you feel but you can choose if you act on those desires.

Martin says:

01:29pm | 12/10/09

“Suddenly there’s someone who loves us for who we are. Or even better – for who we imagine we are. “
Sorry to break it to you ladies but in an affair, a guy wants a root. He doesn’t care who you are, or who you think you are or any of the silly stuff you think is important to who you are. He wants a root. A different root. He’s just willing to put up with your touchy-feely stuff for an hour a week to get it.

Peter Thornton says:

12:57pm | 12/10/09

post script

terms and words such as ‘open relationship’ and ‘partner’ are as carefully contrived and as pathetically pretentious as the glorified proletarians who blandly babble them.

Craig says:

12:52pm | 12/10/09

Relationships (of any description) are a balance of one parties needs and desires with the others. If these relationships are going to last, then there needs to be clear dialogue as to what is, or is not, ok in the relationship. For marriage, infidelity is, for most, certainly not permitted, however, that is “for most”. We are all different people and there will be exceptions to the rule. Some people will be ok with it, some wont.

We need to be open minded enough to understand that there will be couples for which infidelity is not a major issue. Polygamy and Polyamory exist and in some cases work. That does not mean that it works for everyone.

Don’t condemn people for having what you consider an unusual relationship, but by the same token, don’t hold up one of these relationships as the “New Norm”. Let people work out for themselves what they want in their own home and let them be happy with that.

Kali says:

12:15pm | 12/10/09

That’s the thing, it’s only infidelity if your partner isn’t aware of it. If your partner is ok with you sleeping with other people, then it’s an open relationship and you’re not “cheating” because they know and don’t care. It’s about having a secret. Some people love that thrill and even the guilt to a certain extent of doing something they know they shouldn’t.

But it’s definitely about what you agree on when you enter a relationship. If you both agree that it’s monogamous and you’re 100% committed to each other, then cheating is the biggest act of betrayal.

So yes, cheating does still matter. I hardly know anyone who just goes: “Well at least it’s me my wife/husband/partner comes home to”. If you’re not in it to be together, and only together, why be in it at all?

Peter Thornton says:

11:50am | 12/10/09

So the prolonged period of incessant guerilla warfare, otherwise referred to as ‘working at marriage’ is what exactly? A war of muddled optimism against organized dullness? The survivors of which finally, yet still somewhat reluctantly, make the last concession to married life: they listen to each other in a last ditch effort to recapture the moral courage that was needlessly slain during the marriage.

I don’t complain of conventional morality. i do, however, ignore the mediocre bores who seize upon the finds of sophistication and adopt the pose of moral freedom to which they are by no means entitled to.

Anyway I slice it infidelity is mostly overemphasized.

suze says:

11:30am | 12/10/09

It’s all about respect.  If you respect someone you don’t cheat on them because you wouldn’t want them to cheat on you and if it wasn’t “wrong” you wouldn’t be doing it behind their back.
Relationships are an investment. You don’t play around in something you invest your life in, infidelity is like gambling your savings away.
I think its just so simple, help out with the domestic duties so you don’t have to wear the other person down.  Don’t get preoccupied with appearances and cleanliness. Most things can wait til tomorrow to be done but some things need to be done straight away.
Stop nagging-Stop being lazy! There has to be a middle ground somewhere.
Nothing sweet about infidelity. Someone will always be bound to lose and relationships should be about bringing out the best in each other not the worst. If the qualities of an affair is what you are after then find a compatible partner in the first place. I don’t think there’s any excuse to stray, if you are not attracted to your partner anymore then break off the relationship and treat them with dignity.  Infidelity is more about control and insecurities and of course opportunity. But why would you do it to someone you are suppose to care for? It’s a knife in the back, really.

Chris says:

11:20am | 12/10/09

Imagine a world where you can never trust your partner. Catherine’s world has weak people who are unable to communicate honestly and maturely with their partner finding succour in ‘new’ intimacy. She mistakes the passion of a new partner for validation of the real self being ignored in the main relationship. Change as good as a holiday ...

We should uphold the values of trust and honesty in our most important relationships - surely?

Simon Ingram says:

11:19am | 12/10/09

“Why do we think monogamy is the true badge of long term courage?”...
BECAUSE IT IS! The courage to care about others rather than yourself, others’ feelings instead of your own feelings; The courage to do what you know is right; rather than just do what you feel; The courage to engage your brain when your flesh doesn’t want you to.
Relationships are built on trust. Infidelity destroys trust. You CANNOT have an “open relationship” and have both people feel completely trusting of the other. Of course you can’t. It is a no brainer.

Monogomy says “You are invaluable to me. I care about your feelings. I don’t ever want to hurt you. I care about you enough to never want to do anything to hurt you, despite of temptation.”

It is a no brainer. End of story.

Why does left wing opinion piece writing always involve throwing our brains and consciences out the window??

Pete says:

11:17am | 12/10/09

When you make the commitment to have a partner to share your entire life with inevitably your faults will be exposed.  What better way to put your own faults in the back of your mind then moving to the next fix.  Each to their own I guess, so long as the “grounds/values” of a relationship are undestood and embraced by both.

Charles says:

11:12am | 12/10/09

This reminds me of a conversation from my teenage years, when a few mates & I were talking about our Staurday night activities without knowing my mother had overheard our conversation.  She walked in on us & offered this retort to a comment made by one friend: ‘That’s the difference between a man & a dog.  When a man gets an erection he doesn’t have to find somewhere to put it’.

I’d offer that marriage is a commitment to fidelity and if you don’t want to make or continue to live up to that commitment you should no longer be married - think with the right head when the wrong one gets a rush of blood!

Alice says:

11:09am | 12/10/09

I couldn’t have said it better than Andrew.

James says:

10:51am | 12/10/09

To say that women(as if it’s all women) and most men (as if it’s not all men) want fidelity is an arrogant and incorrect statement.

Most women, and most men want fidelity, not “women and most men”

K says:

10:35am | 12/10/09

I think this is just another part of life that people find “inhibits” their ability to be themselves. Personally I think it’s a a whiney cop out.

If you get married, and it gets boring - that is noone elses fault. If you make a comittment to marry and raise children, then grow a spine, and work on it. Don’t just wander away and jump on the first person who makes you feel special.

Take time to choose the right person, someone who understands you, and vice versa. Make a commitment to make that marriage work, even when things get hard. That’s what marriage is about. If you’re not up for that level of comittment, then don’t marry.

Noone ever says you have to live in your partners pocket, persue your own interests, do things with your friends & family. You are not welded to your spouse!

Sharing your life with someone is a massive commitment, and a wonderful experience, but it’s not easy. This article makes a mockery of the whole deal.

Old Clive says:

10:16am | 12/10/09

Where is my razor?. Wait till they get a dose of aids or some other sexually transmitted disease. Lose lips sink ships lose morals will wreck a nation.

kristin says:

09:54am | 12/10/09

When monogamy became the ‘norm’, only a couple of hundred years ago, the life expectancy rate was about 50 or 60 and the moral middle classes lived in large houses with servants. The aristocracy continued with their traditional & well publicised infidelity and marriages of convenience and the working class were working too hard to bother.  Now we’re expected to stay with the same person for an extra 30 years in a small house with no relief from eachother.

Andrew says:

09:51am | 12/10/09

I think you need to look at the underlying reasons why it is occurring before you can judge anyone.  Rightly or wrongly, there is usually gaps in the relationship which cause a person to stray.

RT says:

09:43am | 12/10/09

Adele - it may be your experience that infidelity wrecks a relationship, but many examples, including well-publicised ones, demonstrate that it’s not a universal experience.

Adele says:

09:18am | 12/10/09

Fidelity might not save a relationship but infidelity certainly wrecks it when it’s found out.

Liz says:

09:09am | 12/10/09

It’s a minefield and becoming more so.We all need love,care,validation and get it where we can.Nothing changes there.

Hidingbehindherscarletletter says:

09:05am | 12/10/09

I think the true test is if you could honestly say you’d be okay with it happening to your children (whether you have them or not)

Cheating does still matter. I’ve caused that sort of pain and will never go through that again. There was no ‘affair’, everything was G rated and the relationship I’d been in was dead, it just needed to be announced. It would have taken me all of a few minutes to end the relationship, but I didn’t.

Because of those few minutes, I caused a lot of pain and no one was better for it. Instead there’s a long road ahead. A lesson that didn’t need to be learned that way.

SM says:

09:05am | 12/10/09

How wonderful that your 70 something friend was “glowing” as a result of being involved in her extra marital affair.  Quite unlikely she’d be glowing quite so much if the roles were reversed and she found out what was going on.  But it’s all ok, because her view on how the extra marital affair was affecting her marrriage is that “her marriage had never been better – she still loved her husband and she felt so good about herself that she was being kind to him for the first time in years.”  Gee, I guess her husband should really feel quite fortunate - now that she’s found a way to make herself happy by lieing to him, he’s now being treated better.  She’s so happy that she’s actually being nice to him now. What a lucky fellow he is.  I hope he finds out, leaves her, and she spend the remainder of her years alone

S says:

08:52am | 12/10/09

Infidelity is absolutely fine, as long as you’re the one being unfaithful.
From the other side of the fence, it’s terrible.
This is not because we have ‘decided’ that ‘it’s a deal breaker’. It’s an instinctive reaction.
Whether this is social or genetic in origin I don’t know, but it’s real. I think that by not addressing that question you’re skimming over the heart of the issue.
Evolutionary psychology suggests that men and women react differently to infidelity. Men resent pure sexual betrayal, because their survival instinct depends on a child being theirs. Women know their child is theirs: they resent emotional betrayal (a loss of trust or intimacy) because their natural instinct is that they want their partner to invest in child rearing.

RT says:

08:25am | 12/10/09

Monogamy is a serious business between couples with very young children. For childless couples and empty nesters it is less important, or may be. And, when important, it’s important only to those directly affected.

Steve S says:

08:06am | 12/10/09

Provided you’re not the victim of the infidelity, I totally agree with you.  A lot depends on the understanding the pair of you entered the relationship with.  Obviously if it was a rather lax attitude to monogamy, then provided whatever happens outside of the marital bed remains outside of the marital bed everything should be sweet.  Seldom is this the case though and it’s not so much the actual sex that’s the problem rather the actual act of betrayal, the breaking of the trust and the ramifications that emanate from same.  We’ve seen so many domestic incidents of late involving children and so much of that can be traced back to an unhappy and unstable family environment, substance abuse (including alcohol), unbridled selfishness and a complete lack of respect for one another or self.  Alas, cheating does still matter and the best way to find out is to be the cheated upon.

Germaine says:

07:30am | 12/10/09

Human relationships are not part of the Left-Right political wars, or at least they shouldn’t be.  Catherine has distracted us initially from an otherwise valid and thought provoking article, with her introduction seemingly influenced by Left-wing academic prejudices.

However, trackiebums are obviously a serious issue (for some), so hopefully her partner will now mend their ways.  Or write a loving reply here for us to also chuckle over!