Divorce hurts but it doesn’t mean you’ve failed at life

ronny jonny says:

07:07am | 25/11/12

From what Commader Crews says in his letter it sounds to me as if the divorces in his family were caused by his sons not being able to keep their “snakes in the cage”.  Hence his use of the phrase “copulation driven”. Doesn’t sound to me like they were suffering through years of misery, sounds like they threw their marriages away by feckless cheating. If that’s the case then yes, they are losers. If you throw your relationship away for a drunken quickie you are a loser or the relationship was rubbish to start with and that makes you a loser too. The problem with the whole thing is we don’t know Nick Crews or his family and so many people have been quick to jump on him as being cold and unreasonable, maybe his kids are losers and dills. A grown man who is still blaming his parents for him having low self esteem is pathetic for a start.

Gregg says:

08:27am | 25/11/12

Divorce is something that most of us would not have on our aspirational list or not at least the development of reasons to have it there.
What I have been amazed on is that an email from a 67 year old to his adult children has received so much media attention and that it has generated so many articles.
Clearly the 67 YO might well have been having a really down period in his life to go to the extent he did, maybe early age snility or something beginning to settle in.

marley says:

08:35am | 25/11/12

I read Cmdr Crew’s letter and understood it slightly differently than the author.  I thought he was complaining about the kids because they weren’t taking responsibility for their own roles in their marriage breakdowns, were repeating the same errors, and were dumping everything on their parents (and their kids) rather than deal with things like adults.  Certainly, the comments of the son, who was, I think, about 35, suggested he had a lot of growing up to do.  In other words, the divorces were symptoms of the underlying issues and it was those issues, the immaturity, not the failed marriages per se, that he was attacking.

Well, that was my take on it, anyway.

pink says:

08:47am | 25/11/12

Relationships of all persuasions are totally unique and it is no one else’s business to judge the complexities that cause the breakdown of a marriage.
I think it is appalling that a parent would publicly critcise their childrens private business and it brings into question the nature of such a person

NESLIHAN KUROSAWA says:

09:06am | 25/11/12

Hi Wendy,

Divorce can be a bit of a traumatic experience for some, simply because as a society we always emphasize the importance of an ideal relationship which might only come in a package of “marriage”. We tend to highlight the romantic and material side of a marriage, the wedding day as well as all the highly anticipated eternal love and bliss.  But is that really like that in reality?  When we all have such high expectations from wedding certificate and the actual union of two human beings, we almost tend to forget that nothing could be so further from the truth. 

Marriage is actually a lot of hard work and responsibilities followed by some bitter sweet rewards along the way.  And looking from outside in some marriages seem almost perfect, however in reality there is no such a thing as a perfect marriage. Divorce is absolutely nothing new in our world, however only when we begin taking those steps to comprehend fully what happens behind closed doors, then we might be able to have a clearer picture and understanding of everyday realities of some families. Just like some of your replies suggested there is absolutely nothing worse than children watching their parents arguing in front of them constantly. And if parents really care about their own children’s well being and happiness, they will try to do their out most to keep on loving and supporting their children even long after a divorce.

However in some divorce settlements children are often used as a bait to settle old scores.  I most certainly believe that when mature adults start acting like grown ups then poor innocent children will stop thinking as if it was all their fault all along.  And surprisingly children are much more adaptable and resilient compared to their divorced parents.  So the actual solution lies in the fact that we should take all the obligations which might come with a marriage seriously first, and even if it falls apart try to continue to provide a stable and loving environment for children who just happen to be caught right in the middle of an emotional battle ground.  Kind regards.

Bitten says:

10:10am | 25/11/12

“It makes us weak that so many of these events are copulation-driven and then to see these lovely little people being so woefully let down by you,’

He didn’t seem to be attacking divorce to me. Rather, he was attacking the unthinking and selfish production of children who you could clearly give less than two hoots about because you think with your c***/c*** and then going on to give these little people a most confused and unstable upbringing because you’re off to f*** the next thing that caught your eye.

Is it wrong to point out that that IS an entirely selfish way of life that without question causes harm to others, in this case, the children you brought into the world without any true desire to have them, but because the use of contraception is apparently intellectually above your reading level? Nope, I’m with Mr Crews on this one.

Tubesteak says:

10:55am | 25/11/12

Divorce is a failure. The marriage vows are essentially “love, honour and obey through sickness and health, richer or poorer, better or worse until death do you part”

These days marriage seems to be “I’ll stick around for as long as it suits me or for as long as I’m happy because Disney and Hollywood told me I am supposed to live Happily Ever After and I still get half anyway even if I didn’t contribute half and sometimes I get more if I can take the kids”. I would never marry a woman that didn’t believe in the former.

The only justification for breaking the vows you made should be beating, cheating and not enough sex. These things should have been established in the 5+ year courtship ritual that you went through before walking down the aisle where you assessed each other’s suitability for marriage.

Most of the problem these days is expectations. I’ve talked to divorced people and they say some of the most trivial things. Women will say that their husbands don’t give them enough attention despite them being as boring as wet cardboard and he’s just had a long day at work. Men need a few hours of fire-gazing every night. This means watching TV in silence.

thistle says:

11:51am | 25/11/12

Divorce is a failure

And a heapawords won’t change that fact

NotSoSimple says:

12:24pm | 25/11/12

Fidelity seems to be the major issue with this father “these events are copulation driven.” He seems to be horrified that his children’s marriage break-ups are being brought about by the inability of his children to keep  vows of exclusivity. He views their behaviour as irresponsible and not in the best interest of his grandchildren. It perceived selfishness  and laziness he’s railing against, perhaps with good reason. Perhaps not.

Perhaps he’s being too simplistic. There may well be other reasons for his children’s divorces of which he is unaware.  Perhaps infidelity was a symptom of other problems within the marriages. He is judging from the standpoint of a traditionalist who believes in marriage for life, meaning sexual fidelity and cohabitation for life. Many people these days are questioning whether this model of parenthood and family  is the only one which works. It may be the one which provides the most stability for offspring, but stability isn’t the only need which children have in life. Love, protection and education from both parents are their greatest needs. This can be provided even if the parents live separately, or have an open marriage, as long as they are adult about their responsibilities. One gets the impression Cmdr Crews does not feel his children are being adult. Judging by his son’s reply, blaming his dad (however, he has been publicly shamed by his own father and anger is an expected response) he may be right.

I think Cmdr Crews decision to go public with this rebuke to his offspring was a very poor decision. Sure, communicate your concerns to your kids, but keep it private. He may have effectively sabotaged any hope he has in maintaining their relationship and influencing his kids behaviour by this action.