It’s that time of year, isn’t it? When the intention to eat healthily just doesn’t result in the same. Puritanical thoughts of eating only soup for dinner somehow morph into soup plus half a loaf of buttery toast. Steamed fish and vegies ends up as steak with cheesy potato bake.

Gwyneth: no wonder she's got glowing cheeks.

A roast with all the trimmings is a regular occurrence and apple crumble is, somehow, always okay. Yes, the winter weather is dictating my diet and I have no choice, do I? It’s rather impossible not to put on the “winter two”. Or three, or four.

And as we reach August, this means I’m stuck wearing what fits. One, my fat jeans, or two, my leggings - marvellous creations with lots of stretch. But of course, I’m sick of both. (See boys, when we say “I don’t have anything to wear”, we often mean “I can’t fit into anything in my wardrobe”). I’m afraid that looking great in winter is only achievable if you’re Gwyneth Paltrow. Aka, Wonder Woman.

Do you get Gwynnie’s GOOP newsletter? I admit, I hated them at first but am now strangely addicted to the tiny perve we get into her wholesome life. That is, when I don’t want to kill her (Vanity Fair apparently feels the same way, taking the complete mickey out of her newsletters in the latest issue).

Why? She’s too perfect. She shucks her own oysters, uses Mallorcan hibiscus salt, flavours salads with Veganaise (a mayonnaise substitute), cooks with buckwheat soba noodles (???) and take great joy in creating meals for her no-meat, no-dairy, no-white-flour loving friends. A few weeks ago she posted a video of herself deboning an organic chicken to go with her Farmer’s Market salad. Is there nothing the woman can’t do? She’s so freaking healthy. It’s amazing. Admirable. Unbelieveable. And bloody annoying. Because of course she has the kind of job where she can take months off at a time to focus on her inner health. Unlike the rest of us. 

Recently Gwyneth posted about a detox she did which, she says, “allowed me to work and exercise regularly, something I cannot do if I am on a liquid-only detox.” This particular detox involved her skipping only two (ahem) meals a day, and swallowing tablespoons of olive oil at night, along with a bunch of other rules.

Which brings me to my point. It is as I had feared. DETOX has become a new word for DIET.

Remember when diets were everywhere? All over magazines. Drop a dress size in a week, lose two kilos in two days type diets? And then they became a dirty word. Nobody would print one for fear of being taken down and vilified in the press as being responsible for eating disorders and poor body image. So guess what? The weight loss industry came up with a new term to sell their wares. It’s not a diet, it’s a detox.

Of course.

It just looks like a diet when you examine it closely. Same low-kilojoule attributes. Same restrictive food intake and weird olive-oil drinking/grapefruit eating/supplement taking/food-group limiting traps of traditional diets.

The one that bothers me most is the Lemon Detox. You’ve heard of it, right? It’s advertised all over the radio and encourages you to buy their special syrup which you mix with fresh lemon juice and that’s it! You’ll lose weight and feel great!

You know how this works? You don’t eat anything. For days. Five in fact. Seven if you make it. 10 if you’ve got superhuman willpower. They promise good health, clear skin and weight loss.

Puh-lease. The reason you lose weight is not because of the miracle syrup or secret fat-fighting properties of lemon. It’s because you’re not eating. You don’t need a doctor, a $90 syrup and a radio ad to tell you that. I did it for five days and of course I lost weight. I also put it all back on after the five days because I was so hungry, I ate double time to make up for it. It’s amazing they’re allowed to advertise it at all.

The only way to lose weight healthily, and to keep it off, is the long, boring way. You eat three meals a day, lower sugar and bad fats and exercise at least three times a week. That’s it. It’s not brain surgery.

The next time someone mentions the word detox, whip them up a batch of Gwynnie’s favourite choc chip cookies. ‘Cause even Miss Health herself knows that sometimes, amongst all of the ridiculously nutritious pressure, that you need a splurge. And the winter weight? Maybe I’ll actually like buckwheat soba noodles and vegie bacon. Can’t hurt to try …

Most commented

13 comments

Show oldest | newest first

    • Jonathan says:

      07:56am | 18/08/09

      So you actually did the lemon detox diet?  Wow.
      PT Barnum was right: there really is a sucker born every minute.

    • Kitty says:

      08:36am | 18/08/09

      All soba noodles have buckwheat in them. They’re not strange, they’re just a type of quick cooking Japanese noodle and you can buy them in the Asian section of just about every supermarket in the country. I find it really strange that you think they’re so weird..?

    • James says:

      09:50am | 18/08/09

      ~~~~“The only way to lose weight healthily, and to keep it off, is the long, boring way. You eat three meals a day, lower sugar and bad fats and exercise at least three times a week. That’s it. It’s not brain surgery.”~~~~~~~

      Please tell me you are joking?  I’m not sure what’s worse, detox diets or the continual beating of the same old drum of weight loss like your advice above.

      There are many ways to lose weight healthily - Your suggestion is just a way of maintaining your weight, at best.

      And why on earth does everyone want to lose “weight”.  When you aim to just lose “weight” you lose lots of water, muscle and fat, which might be good for a while, but by losing weight - including lots of muscle [like most cardio bunnies at the average gym do when they waste so much time on electronic footpaths]  you are reducing your basal metabolic rate, which is going to make it harder for you to keep the fat off in the long run - and it’s why so many peoples bodies and weights are like yo-yo’s. 

      To start yourself on a long term solution to reducing body fat and maintaining it at a healthy level you should be aiming to increase one major aspect of what makes up your body weight (muscle) and then eventually use that to your advantage to decrease another (fat)

      You can exercise all day long and not lose any fat, fat loss happens in the kitchen and at the dinner table - what you eat, how much you eat and when you eat it has a far greater influence than ‘exercising at least three times a week’.  If you exercise three to five times a week, for lets say a maximum of 5 hours per week, that’s only about 3 percent of your whole week - aka stuff all of an influence on fat loss - unless it’s exercise that encourages fat burning well after you leave the gym.

      3 meals a day? Sure, great way to kill your metabolism and keep your body in a catabolic state.

      Stick to fashion, it’s not brain surgery.

    • Ben from Perth says:

      11:11am | 18/08/09

      You missed the grapeseed diet that my wife’s Nan and Pop went on, till her Nan fainted from a lack of nutritional intake.  It’s one of life’s great mysteries how people can see sense in these gimicks, but one that’s been making people rich since Eve convinced Adam to go on the apple diet.

      On the soba noodles thing - you’re obviously not a Beastie Boys fan Nedahl.

    • Lauren Trotter says:

      12:21pm | 18/08/09

      Could I please point out that the word diet means what you eat - not a method of not eating.  People seem to have forgotten this…

    • Gillian says:

      01:19pm | 18/08/09

      People should stop dieting, detoxing or [fill in the blank]. I’m not an expert by any means but what has helped me maintain my weight (not lose weight) is a long term lifestyle plan which is realistic and is accompanied with an exercise plan. Remember the rule 30% eating and 70% exercise. Eating five or six meals across the day also helps to speed up my metabolism rather than the traditional three meals a day. Remember, everything in moderation and banish the all or nothing thinking. If you want to eat a chocolate biscuit please do so but don’t succumb to the whole packet.

      http://www.30isthenewblack.com

    • Ryan Vox says:

      04:13pm | 18/08/09

      Dunno why everyone is dissing the Lemon Detox Diet. Yes, of course you lose weight from not eating, but I have done this 3 times in the last 9 months and lost 39kgs and never put any back on. Also had clear skin, overcame my severe sleeping disorder and had boundless energy.

      It is designed to give you a time out from food in order to change your overall eating habits and attitude to food. Obviously this has not worked for you and you have gone back to stuffing your face immediately after the detox.

      Without changing your habits and attitude how can you expect to make an everlasting change? Detox is not a miracle that means once you’ve done it you can do whatever you like after and never gain weight again!

      Perhaps a little willpower and exercise may be of benefit?

    • VM says:

      04:19pm | 18/08/09

      I’ve changed my diet recently, but as mentioned above, I view diet as what you eat as a whole. Not some list from a magazine. You don’t need to exercise to lose weight, you need to exercise to stay fit and healthy and work your body. Weight loss is what you stick in your mouth. Pure and simple.

      Did you know that biologically, the human body is much closer to animals of herbivorous persuasion as oppose to the omnivorous commonly believed? It’s believed that we only began eating meat during the ice age when abundant plant life was unavailable. We just never stopped again. I haven’t eaten meat, dairy, eggs or any other animal derived product for a few months now. I’ve never felt more energetic or looked better. People ask “If you don’t eat that, what do you eat?” And the answer is anything I want, as long as it’s not derived from an animal. There’s more out there than you realise!

      To paraphrase a US Cardio surgeon;  “To suggest a Vegetarian diet is considered extreme, but to cut a persons chest open and scrape out the fat from inside their major arteries is OK Joe.”

    • Gillian says:

      06:00pm | 18/08/09

      VM you make a very good point. My pet hate is that people exercise for a purpose ie to look good for their boyfriend, to look good for their wedding or a special occasion and so on. People who exercise on a long term basis understand the pyschological benefits of exercise. If you exercise for the mental health benefits first, the physical benefits will follow. With everything you do, you need to think of the long term strategy and benefits.

      http://www.30isthenewblack.com

    • Lance says:

      10:22pm | 18/08/09

      Anyone who has actually done a detox diet correctly (not some fancy fad one) knows they work.  It’s not really about weight loss, more about getting rid of the crap in your body and 99% of the stuff you see in a typical supermarket needs to be eliminated.

      The detox can be harsh, really harsh, but once you come out the other end it’s worth every moment of pain. We are bombarded with so much absolute drivel from so called experts that it’s hard to seperate fact from profit driven fiction, but the billions .. even trillions spent on health doesn’t seem to be making us healthier, just helping us live with our diseases.

      Am currently doing my yearly detox, and sure its hard, but the healing benefits can’t be overstated enough.  Clean meats and fish, vegetables, fruits, nuts, seeds, unprocessed grains, organic eggs, and more ... stick to only them for a couple of months and see what it does to your health. Can almost guarantee your health improves no end.

      But of course those who knock these ‘whacky’ diets are the same people who have never tried them and just wan’t to make themselves feel better for stuffing their face with processed junk food.  Not sure why they are ‘whacky’ either seeing as we have largely survived on them for thousands of years until recently.

    • James says:

      08:28am | 19/08/09

      That’s a great detox Lance, I’d hardly call it extreme or whacky - it’s just healthy, natural and sensible eating.  It’s a pity detox’s are generalised so much and people don’t understand that you can do it healthily and there is no need to go extreme or deprive yourself of too many calories.

      VM:  If you are going to use that logic as a reason not to eat meat you should also think about the fact that ‘nature’ didn’t intend for a lot of grains, seeds/legumes and beans to be eaten - and the fact that you HAVE to cook a lot of them to avoid toxin poisoning might be a reason not to eat them.  I’m pretty sure even the Paleolithic diet includes meats, but NOT many grains/seeds/legumes/beans (if any) as some can’t be eaten raw. 

      It all depends how far you want to take it as far as eating in the way nature intended, just don’t forget that the human body is an adaptive creature - and there’s nothing wrong with eating meat and other animal products as part of a sensible “diet”.

    • VM says:

      11:05am | 19/08/09

      James, the “Way nature intended” is a very long bow to draw. Did nature intend for us to have power stations and heaters because we have the intelligence to do so? Skyscrapers? well how about Mud Huts?

      Trust me, I’m no crazy hippy. Humans may be adaptive creatures, but there are many things to consider. Just because I can digest something, doesn’t mean that I can benefit from eating it. Take dairy for instance. The dairy industry would have us believe that dairy is a must for calcium, however it’s enormous amount of protein amongst other things, contributes to the body becomes more acidic, which not only prevents absorption of the calcium in the milk, but actually leeches calcium from your bones on top of that.

      I may need to cook my grains/seeds and legumes, but when I eat them they don’t produce a ton of uric acid. Uric acid that my adaptive body isn’t capable of producing uricase to deal with.

      Then there’s the ethical side of it all. So many people eat such an excess of this sort of food that humanity has resorted to high density factory farming to maintain demand. We ignore it because it’s unpleasant. Pretend high density farming doesn’t exist, or is a necessary evil, or however else we justify it. But I’m pretty sure one day man will look back upon the days of this sort of farming in the same light as they currently do other barbaric atrocities of history. I can’t pretend that it’s all ok. Between the health benefits and the environmental benefits, I don’t think I could go back to living any other way now that I know how good this is.

      Sure it’s not for everyone. Some people may even call my compassion and empathy deluded, misplaced or just plain stupid. That being said, I’m the one living it, and I’m the one reaping the benefits, so what everyone else does is on their own heads.

    • James says:

      06:36pm | 21/08/09

      VM, I agree, I did say “it all depends how far you want to take it”. 
      It just seems you’ve picked one moment in human history but ignored another (when seeds etc. weren’t eaten)

      I’d suggest you check your facts about uric acid, some grains/seeds/ legumes can produce just as much as animal products, depends what types you eat.

 

Facebook Recommendations

Read all about it

Punch live

Up to the minute Twitter chatter

Anthony Sharwood

Hollow suit appoints yet another committee #NRL

Daniel Piotrowski

RT @_Tors: What @joehildebrand said... http://t.co/lmP6gDQLEE

Daniel Piotrowski

'D***head, get on the ground': Police investigate shocking new video http://t.co/n6CaJuL6la

Daniel Piotrowski

RT @itsKShort: Former classmate of alleged Woolwich machete suspect: "I sat next to him in Sociology at College!!!!" http://t.co/3u44k5HkJO

Recent posts

The latest and greatest

The Punch is moving house

The Punch is moving house

Good morning Punchers. After four years of excellent fun and great conversation, this is the final post…

Will Pope Francis have the vision to tackle this?

Will Pope Francis have the vision to tackle this?

I have had some close calls, one that involved what looked to me like an AK47 pointed my way, followed…

Advocating risk management is not “victim blaming”

Advocating risk management is not “victim blaming”

In a world in which there are still people who subscribe to the vile notion that certain victims of sexual…

Nosebleed Section

choice ringside rantings

From: Hasbro, go straight to gaol, do not pass go

Tim says:

They should update other things in the game too. Instead of a get out of jail free card, they should have a Dodgy Lawyer card that not only gets you out of jail straight away but also gives you a fat payout in compensation for daring to arrest you in the first place. Instead of getting a hotel when you… [read more]

From: A guide to summer festivals especially if you wouldn’t go

Kel says:

If you want a festival for older people or for families alike, get amongst the respectable punters at Bluesfest. A truly amazing festival experience to be had of ALL AGES. And all the young "festivalgoers" usually write themselves off on the first night, only to never hear from them again the rest of… [read more]

Gentle jabs to the ribs

Superman needs saving

Superman needs saving

Can somebody please save Superman? He seems to be going through a bit of a crisis. Eighteen months ago,… Read more

28 comments

Newsletter

Read all about it

Sign up to the free News.com.au newsletter