Near, far, wherever you are, you’re probably aware that this week the national youth broadcaster Triple J has released its rather ambitious Hottest 100 Of All Time music poll. And while staying positive and tallying up a rock-solid list of the songs that have brought so much joy to the world is a noble pursuit, a healthy dose of sticking the boot right in is required to address the balance.
The Punch does not endorse book burning, but there’s an argument for putting really, really bad records in a big pile and setting them on fire. And according to our scientific survey, Celine Dion should be the first to go up in flames:
Now that you’ve got it started, the next songs you should add are, in order, this one:
And this one, the first by an Australian band on our worst 100 songs list, covered here quite admirably by a chick called Bec at a karaoke night at the Calamvale Hotel:
Continue to stoke your fire with, in order from number 4 to number 10, Achy Breaky Heart, Who Let the Dogs Out, Ebony and Ivory, You’re Beautiful, Shiny Happy People, No Aphrodisiac and, drumroll please, the seriously dodgy Strawberry Kisses.
These are the songs that are, but should never have been. Musical conceptions where the writers should have been forced to wear condoms. Songs that if they were erased from the annals of history, the world would not only not even notice their removal, but would possibly even be changed for the better.
It is with this notion that we proudly present The Punch’s “Hottest 100 Songs We Would Erase From History If It Were Even Possible”. Catchy title huh.
So sit back and come with us on a musical journey, as 10 of our Punch writers take you to the town square clutching volumes of heathen musical devil scratchings, and toss them all lovingly onto the bonfire of rock and roll cleansing. The roof, the roof, the roof is on fire…
ALISON PIOTROWSKI
1. Peter Andre – Mysterious Girl.
Andre got a lot of airplay on MTV and rage thanks to a good set of abs. Thankfully the Grammys don’t hand out gongs for stomach muscles.
2. Billy Ray Cyrus – Achy Breaky Heart
The only thing more depressing than this song is the fact Billy Ray has spawned a new generation of Cyruses.
3. Hanson – Mmm Bop
The girls loved the middle one. Even though he looked like a girl. Ten years on there must be some 20-somethings very confused about their sexuality.
4. Aqua – Barbie Girl
Released their debut album Aquarium. Followed it up with Aquarius. Broke up when they couldn’t think of any more words starting with ‘Aqua’.
5. Spice Girls – Stop Right Now
They should have taken their own advice.
6. Various - The Grease Megamix
What’s worse than a playing You’re the One That I Want and Greased Lightning one after the after? Throwing in Summers Nights and calling it a ‘medley’
7. Celine Dion – My Heart Will Go On
And on and on and on and on and on and on. MAKE IT STOP.
8. Los Del Rio – Macarena
1990s answer to Nutbush City Limits. ‘Los Del Rio’ translates to ‘I am not trying to seduce you’. They were spot on. They didn’t.
9. Bec Hewitt – All Seats Taken
Don’t remember it? Be thankful. Be very thankful.
10. Barry Manilow – Mandy v. Copacabana
Both songs invoke the same reaction – a covering of the ears and questioning how Barry actually managed to sell so many bloody records.
Shortlist: Lou Bega, Mambo # 5; Baha Men, Who Let the Dogs Out?; Venga Boys, Sex On The Beach; B52s, Love Shack; Savage Garden, To The Moon And Back; The Lonely Island, Jizz in my pants; Afroman, Because I Got High; New Kids On The Block, You Got It (The Right Stuff); Ricky Martin, Living La Vida Loca; Tina Turner, Nutbush City Limits.
BRENDAN SHANAHAN
1. Red Red Wine - UB40
When aliens enslave the human race this is the music they will listen to while they’re whipping our backs and forcing us to work the salt mines.
2. Are You Gonna Be My Girl - Jet
This song is like the result of a computer program called The Corruption and Slow, Torturous Death of the Spirit of Rock ‘n’ Roll in the Post-Download, Post-Ringtone, Post-Commercial Tie-In Era.
3. The End - The Doors
I’m not at all sad that Jim Morrison died before his time, but I’m pretty pissed off that he didn’t take Ray Manzarek with him.
If you’ve got a couple of days….
4. Perfect - Fairground Attraction
It’s got beeee-eeee-eeeee stopped.
5. Gangsta’s Paradise - Coolio
The first song to make taking someone else’s song, not changing it at all, and calling it your song acceptable.
6. Bridge over Troubled Water - Simon and Garfunkel
Oh, look: church hymns just got groovy. Thanks white afro dipshit and doe-eyed midget who hate one another!
7. Karma Police - Radiohead
Agh, it’s Invasion of the Body Snatchers. I’m standing on a street corner screaming, “But don’t you see? There’s nothing to this. Nothing at all!” Meanwhile everyone else is walking down the street with glazed eyes, clutching their copies of OK Computer going, “They are genius’. They make music that sounds like long-distance dial tones.”
8. God is a DJ - Faithless
Ecstasy is a great drug… except when it convinces you that playing records in a disused carpark in Germany is the same thing as being, like, you know, the Pope.
9. Glycerine - Bush
The day grunge died.
10. Tomorrow - Silverchair
The needless mutilation of grunge’s corpse. (“The water in the tap is very hard to drink” – about as hard as it is to credit that Daniel Johns has convinced every Australian music critic he is a genius.)
Shortlist: Smooth, Santana; No Aphrodisiac, The Whitlams; Three Times a Lady, The Commodores; All I Wanna Do, Sheryl Crow; Oh What A Night, The Four Seasons; Rollin’, Limp Bizkit; Are We Human, The Killers; Madonna, American Life; Little Miss Can’t Be Wrong, Spin Doctors; Lilac Wine, Jeff Buckley.
CHRIS DEAL
1. Calypso - Spiderbait
The anthem for ditzy blonde moshing indie twits who “just love having FUN!!!1” Delete.
2. Sexual Healing - Marvin Gaye
Idiots breed not just to this song, but BECAUSE of this song. Whenever you get that feeling, please just go for a walk instead.
3. I Want To Be A Hippy - Technohead
The blueprint for Crazy Frog ringtone songs. Should never have been allowed to happen.
4. Every F**ken City - Paul Kelly
Every city sounds the same. Just like all your songs. Shit.
5. Pachelbel’s Canon
This piece of music was middle of the road before they even had roads. If you like this you probably cry over Hallmark cards.
6. Hits From The Bong - Cypress Hill
These guys must have been high to write this. Oh yeah, that’s right, they were. ALL THE TIME.
7. Smoke On The Water - Deep Purple
The most boring, obvious tune ever written. The musical equivalent of a Bryce Courtney novel.
8. Mr Jones - Counting Crows
Every time I hear this prick sing “sha-na-na-na” I want to sever a limb to numb the pain.
9. Amazing - Alex Lloyd
Hands up if you walked down the aisle to this song? Nice one. Look forward to not attending your divorce party.
10. Take Your Momma Out - Scissor Sisters
This is what happens when carnies are allowed to record songs. Roll up! Roll up! For the Worst Song on Earth!
Shortlist: Tubthumping - Chumbawumba; Today – Smashing Pumpkins; Karma Police - Radiohead; Who Let The Dogs Out? - Baha Men; Silver - Pixies; By The Rivers Of Babylon - Boney M; Let’s Talk About Sex - Salt N Pepper; I Hate Everything About You – Ugly Kid Joe; Heal The World – Michael Jackson.
JOE HILDEBRAND
1. All Along the Watchtower - Bob Dylan, U2, Jimi Hendrix…
A droning song that has been covered ad nauseum possibly because it has only two chords, which is two more than it should.
2. First We Take Manhattan - Leonard Cohen
A stark ballad about political consciousness and old age, the original lyrics were “First I take my hormones, then we take Berlin” until the record company made him go commercial.
3. S Club Party - S Club 7
From the great “Let’s sing a song about the name of our band” era of the early 1990s, the single outlined the now well-established scientific principle “there ain’t no party like an S Club Party”.
4. Who Let the Dogs Out? Baha Men
We don’t care who let the dogs out. Just put them back in and shut the f… up.
5. No Aphrodisiac Like Loneliness - The Whitlams
Should have been called “There’s No Naprogesic Like Tim Freedman” because next to him period pain is a breeze
6. Do You Remember The Time? - Michael Jackson
One of the times that MJ so fondly remembers is “on the phone”, which seems a strange landmark event for a man who sold 750 million albums and had his own theme park.
7. Astral Weeks - Van Morrison
Van famously made up the lyrics as he was singing it, which is why they’re crap and make no sense.
8. The End - The Doors
Ironically it just never did.
9. When I Ruled the World - Coldplay
Chris Martin can’t even rule Gwyneth Paltrow, otherwise he would be allowed to buy his own clothes.
10. Everything by Jeff Buckley
I know, you’re thinking “But Jeff Buckley never wrote a song called ‘Everything’...” and you’re absolutely correct.
Shortlist: Copacabana, Barry Manilow; My Heart Will Go On, Celine Dion; Barbie Girl, Aqua; Achy Breaky Heart, Billy Ray Cyrus; Love Shack, B52s; All Seats Taken, Bec Hewitt; You Got It (The Right Stuff), New Kids on The Block; Shiny Happy People, REM; All I Wanna Do, Sheryl Crow; Ebony and Ivory, Paul McCartney and Stevie Wonder.
DAVID PENBERTHY
1. Hotel California - The Eagles
Some say it’s a couple of minutes too long. It is actually 6 minutes and 31 seconds too long.
2. Strawberry Kisses - Nikki Webster
Should rightly have been the subject of a major investigation by child protection agencies.
3. Rainy Day Women - Bob Dylan
Silly hippy dirge which blights the genius of Blonde on Blonde, and wrongly slotted the Zimmer-man as a pothead.
4. Pop That Coochie - 2 Live Crew
Early gangsta rap prototype that helped turn misogyny into a musical genre
5. Shiny Happy People - REM
The annoying single from the underwhelming Out of Time LP that divided REM’s work into two categories – the great early stuff and the crap later stuff.
6. Horses - Darryl Braithwaite
The softcore soundtrack for the winning contestants of Perfect Match to root by.
7 .Whatsup - 4 Non Blondes
And I said HEEEYYYHEEEYHEEEYYYYYAYYAYYFAAAAAAAARKENHAAYAYYYAYA
8. Kokomo - Beach Boys
Terrible pastiche of daft beach references dreamed up by the marketing department to make a bit of cash for a once-great band.
Plus it was also in the soundtrack to the worst movie ever made: Cocktail, starring that Tom Cruise whack-job. Catchline: When he reigns, he pours.
9. I’m in London Still - The Waifs
Orgy of fay pommyphile sentiment for irritating ex-pat Australians who have betrayed motherland by moving to UK and acquiring faux-Londoner accent within seconds of landing at Heathrow.
10. Imagine - John Lennon
Mush-headed liberal drivel which proves even the greatest song-writer of all time can have an off day.
Shortlist: Accidentally Kelly Street; Frente; Achy Breaky Heart, Billy Ray Cyrus; No Aphrodisiac, The Whitlams; Red Red Wine; Hey Mona, Craig McLachlan; I’m Still Standing, Elton John; Smooth, Santana, My Heart Will Go On, Celine Dion; The Pros and Cons of Hitchhiking; You’re Beautiful, James Blunt.
LUCY KIPPIST
1. Bryan Adams - The only thing that looks good on me is you
The anthem for narcissists everywhere.
2. Shakira – Whenever, wherever
The simple title is deceiving because this is the most unintelligible song ever written.
3. Cliff Richard – Some People
Why? Cliff Richard
4. Rod Stewart – Sailing
The repetition of the lyrics actually induces sea sickness
5. Martika - Toy Soldiers
The creepy close-up camera action and the fact that even playing the German version where you can’t understand the lyrics is bad.
6. Warrant – Cherry Pie
This live version is especially bad…
The screaming singing. The hair-dos.
7. Crash Test Dummies – Mmmmm mmmmmm
Irritating chorus, the lead singer’s mouth, hate the clip
8. Who let the dogs out? - Baha Men
That barking!
9. Macarena – Los Del Rio
Hear it once and try getting it out of your head, it’s impossible.
10. ABBA – ‘I do, I do, I do’
Not sure I actually have to write the reason for this one
Shortlist: Milli Vanilli, Blame it on the Rain; Michael Bolton, I Said I Loved You But I Lied; Black Eyed Peas, My Humps; Samantha Fox, Touch Me; Fleetwood Mac, Seven Wonders; Celine Dion, My Heart Will Go On; Marilyn Manson, Tainted Love; Kate Bush, Wuthering Heights; Belinda Carlisle, Summer Rain; Meatloaf, Anything for Love.
TORY MAGUIRE
1. Hey Mona - Craig McLachlan
Dumbest lyrics ever: Tell you Mona what I’m gonna do, I’ll build a house next door to you.
2. I Spy - Erica Baxter
Luckily Erica Baxter is now Erica Packer so we don’t have to buy her records.
3. Strawberry Kisses - Nikki Webster
Nikki has been trying to be sexy since she was 14.
4. She’s like the wind - Patrick Swaze
Always makes me think of farts.
5. Red, red wine - UB40
More like red, red whine.
6. I do it for you - Brian Adams
Way too breathy for a grown man.
7. Hello - Lionel Richie
Hello? Is anyone there? No? Didn’t think so.
8. Ebony and Ivory - Paul McCartney and Stevie Wonder
It’s almost too easy putting this one on the list.
9. The Final Countdown - Europe
That riff, do do do do, do do do do do… very irritating.
10. My Sharona - The Knack
It makes men in pubs want to take their pants off. Not good.
Shortlist: Roxette, The Look; Frente, Accidentally Kelly Street; Holly Valance, Kiss Kiss; Shakira; Wherever, Whenever; Celine Dion, My heart will go on; Kid Rock, All Summer Long; Eminem, We Made You; You’re Beautiful, James Blunt; Little Miss Can’t be Wrong, Spin Doctors; Shiny Happy People, REM.
DENNIS ATKINS
1. Windmills Of Your Mind - Noel Harrison
“Like a circle in a spiral” ??? What the…
2. I’m So Glad - The Cream
White boys sometimes can’t sing the blues.
3. Horse With No Name - America
When country rock jumped the shark…
4. Achy, Breaky Heart - Bill Ray Cyrus
Proof that Billy Ray should have gone with his first pick, baseball.
5. Sugar Mountain - Neil Young
Sometimes you write songs when you’re young and throw them away. This one slipped through.
6. Brand New Key - Melanie
“I ride my bike, I roller skate, don’t drive no car/ Don’t go too fast, but I go pretty far”
7. Motorcycle Song - Arlo Guthrie
Having a famous father is not good enough reason.
8. Tweedle Dum, Tweedle Dee - Bob Dylan
Didn’t anyone listen to this before it was put on Love and Theft?
9. Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da - The Beatles
Proof the best thing about The White Album was the cover.
10. Reno - Bruce Springsteen
How could Bruce start a song with “She took off her stockings/I held them to my face”?
Shortlist: Sadie (The Cleaning Lady), John Farnham; A Boy Named Sue, Johnny Cash; Paranoid, Black Sabbath; Alligator, The Grateful Dead; I Am Pegasus, Ross Ryan; Jump In My Car, Ted Mulry Gang; Howzat, Sherbet; Hippie Boy, The Flying Burrito Brothers; Teddy Bear, Red Sovine; I’d Do Anything For Love (But I Won’t Do That), Meatloaf.
LEO SHANAHAN
1. Accidently Kelly Street - Frente!
The giveaway that pretty much anything by Frente! is shit is the exclamation mark that forms part of the name of band itself.
2. Shiny Happy People - REM
Once again blame the aforementioned early 1990s trend in faux hippyness for this crap song from an otherwise very good band. Kate Pierson from the B52s is roped into the debacle too:
3. I’m Blue - Eiffel 65
One has to admire this Italian techno band for hitting it big time with a song that goes: “I’m blue da di di da da da di da”. Really it’s amazing, one can only describe it as evil genius.
4. The Nose Bleed Section - Hill Top Hoods
It is tempting just to enter a series of Hill Top Hoods songs into this list and they would all deserve a place, however I blame this song for the surge in support of woeful Aussie hip-hop. Take the average sampling of an average song out of it and you’re left with absolutely nothing.
5. Nookie - Limp Bizkit
As with the Hill Top Hoods many a Limp Bizkit song could fill this list. It contains the following lyrics and combined with Durst’s explanation that this was about some kind of tortured childhood that makes this track the worst of a bad lot: “I’m the only one underneath the sun who didn’t get it I can’t believe that could be deceived (but you were) by my so called girl, but in reality had a hidden agenda she put my tender heart in a blender”.
6. You’re Beautiful - James Blunt
Much is made of James Blunt’s dangerous military service. I suspect he was actually captured by al-Qaeda, brainwashed and then released with the ability to write this song and thus force Western society to crumble without the need of terrorist cells.
7. No Aphrodisiac - The Whitlams
The fact that the Whitlams are not very good is no huge crime in of itself, it’s just that they’re hailed as some kind of musical geniuses. This song was loved by baby boomers searching for uninteresting and inoffensive “contemporary tracks”, who would crowd ABC studio unplugged sessions fawning over Tim Friedman’s amazing depth: “Brilliant isn’t he? Now I wonder who’s on Lateline.”
8. Something Gotta Give - John Butler
This gimmicky pile of slappy guitar “just chill man” crap is the kind of song that reminds us that whilst hippies feign social conscience they obviously have none, otherwise they would not force this shit upon us.
9. Kiss From a Rose - Seal
Just cause you have a cool scars on your face and you later hooked up with Heidi Klum doesn’t mean you can write really crap ballads and sing it in puffy pants.
10. Born Slippy - Underworld
For those who don’t know this song by name it’s that that goes “lager, lager, lager, mega mega white thing” and then says “angel boy” a lot. Dante should have included a ring of hell packed with pissed Brits just loving this track and calling each other “geezer”.
Shortlist: Mull of Kintyre, Wings; Thank U, Alanis Morisett; My Humps, Black Eyed Peas; LA Is My Lady, Frank Sinatra; Let’s Do the Time Warp Again, Rocky Horror Picture Show; From a Distance, Bette Midler; Mmmm Mmmm Mmmmm, Crash Test Dummies; How You Remind Me, Nickleback; I’ll Provide The Love, Toto; Original Gangster, Ice T.
PAUL COLGAN
1. My World – Guns ‘n’ Roses
The spectacular bum note at the end of the Use Your Illusion collection of 1991. A psychotic bass line combines with electronic effects and Axl Rose trying, and failing, to rap.
2. In the Navy – Village People
A general rule with Village People hits is that they’re silly, but good tunes. This is just silly. It was used by the US Navy in a recruitment campaign.
3. I’m Blue – Eiffel 65
A story about a blue guy who lives in a blue world where everything is blue. And the inspired chorus: “I’m blue, da ba dee da ba die, da ba dee da ba dee ba da die…”.
4. Four Sticks – cover of the Led Zeppelin original by the Rollins Band
The original is one of rock’s most interesting songs, from Led Zeppelin’s acclaimed fourth album, and gets its title because drummer John Bonham played the song holding four drumsticks. On a Zep tribute album, Henry Rollins massacred it by deciding that instead of singing the lyrics, he would shout them, tunelessly, instead.
5. A Jazz Odyssey – Spinal Tap
A thankfully short-lived “new direction” for the parody rockers. Check out the bass solo.
6. I Can’t Dance – Phil Collins
I can’t dance to this either – in fact, I can’t do anything to it except turn it off.
7. Fairytale of New York – The Pogues
Bring misery to the festive season in your home with this bit of Irish Christmas humbuggery: “You’re a bum / You’re a punk / You’re an old slut on junk […] You scumbag / You maggot / You cheap lousy faggot / Happy Christmas your arse / I pray God it’s our last.” Ah, the spirit of Christmas.
8 .The Only Way is Up – Yazz
A miserable song which, despite its upbeat nature, is about the lowest point a relationship can reach. Not what pop was meant to be. Also one of those songs you don’t want stuck in your head.
9. Chris Isaak – Blue Hotel
Could this be any more like I Don’t Want To Fall In Love? If variety is the spice of life, Chris Isaak likes it water-flavoured.
10. Pump Up The Jam – Technotronic, featuring Felly
One of the original acid house anthems, with possibly one of the silliest videos ever. Thankfully acid shuffled meekly off a few years afterwards.
Shortlist: The Only Thing That Looks Good on Me Is You – Bryan Adams; Making your Mind Up – Bucks Fizz; Sweet Caroline – Neil Diamond; American Pie – Don McLean; Hey Joe – Jimi Hendrix; Puff the Magic Dragon – Peter, Paul and Mary; Bad Medicine – Bon Jovi; Cemetery Gates – Pantera; Layla (acoustic version) - Eric Clapton.
How we ranked the songs: Any double-ups and triple and quadruples votes, and the order in which the songs were listed, resulted in a weighted score for each tune. We also emailed the results to PriceWaterhouseCoopers for verification and didn’t hear back which suggests it’s all pretty accurate.
And remember…
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